Chapter 1 - The Sneezing Buddleia Fail
Pofi Pavu knelt outside, hiding under a buddleia bush, her eyes watching the doorway to the Body Waxing Suite with intent. Her nose was running. It was already a few hours into the morning and she had noted six clients entering and leaving the suite, none of whom were known to the Agency. She made a mental note that six was not an excessive number and did not imply anything untoward going on.
The market was already bustling. Trolls, Goblins, Elves, Gnomes, Dwarves, Humans, Ogres, Halflings, and even the odd witch, all mingled together like a fresh fruit basket on a summer’s day. The flow of pedestrians was making it difficult for her to see the doorway easily, especially those standing around gossiping.
She sneezed and wiped her button nose with the back of her hand. The buddleia bush was affecting her sinuses.
“Now listen up, Pofi,” her boss’s words rang out again in her memory, “you’re on a thread, a knife edge. You mess this up, and I’m seriously going to have to consider letting you go. I can’t have undercover agents being discovered and foiled by the general public every time. You are resourceful, you did well in the training, and I know you’ve got it in you. So, I’m giving you just one mission to fulfil today and I expect you to fulfil it satisfactorily like every other agent I have under me. I’m not against you, Pofi. I want you to come back with good news. I really do, but if you don’t…well, you put me in a very difficult position. Do I make myself clear?!”
Pofi had nodded. Oh, how she hoped she’d get it right this time. In fact, she was determined to get it right, applying her training to the letter. She’d read the manual eight times last night from cover to cover - Direct line of sight of the target, inconspicuous hiding place, zero chance of detection, no use of non-agency supplied magic, decisive action trigger (any evidence of actual theft), and excellent knowledge of the surroundings ready for pursuit and interception, or trap. She’d studied the local street layout until it was burned into her brain. This time, she was really ready. It had to work. Being as small as a gnome meant she was completely hidden under the buddleia bush, her green and black clothes blending in well with the environment, and her glasses and moustache easily disguising her. She was undercover.
She sneezed again.
Woof woof!
A small terrier began barking at her under the bush, pulling hard on its lead, causing the owner to look.
“Leave it, Gator? It’s just a sneezing Buddleia Bush.”
The dog continued to bark though as Pofi tried to shoo it away, desperate to keep watch of the door of the Body Waxers.
The owner grew closer, peering under the bush.
“Oh! There is someone there. Hello? Who’s hiding there?”
A couple of other passerbys stopped to look at what was going on. Pofi decided she had no choice. She needed to get away and so she reached into her bag and pulled out her agency-supplied WANDSEAL© (“It does exactly what it says on the tin”) bag. She reached inside and pulled out a tube. She read it - “Makes you temporarily invisible for five minutes” Nasal Spray. She put everything away, shoved the spray up her nose, and squirted.
The dog grew closer and the owner leaned right down to peer under the bush. Pofi’s top half was already gone.
“Oh, is that you, Pofi?” said Mrs Grimes, a halfling butcheress and local busibody who lived around the corner. Pofi did not answer but pushed herself deep under the bushes as her legs also began to go.
“It is you, isn’t it? Don’t try to deny it, I can see your old boots. They’ve got your initials on.”
Pofi winced and pulled her feet close to her body, so the Goblin couldn’t see them, just as the invisibility spell took effect. Now she was invisible, she relaxed.
The dog was still starting to come in under the bush having got Pofi’s scent and more people stopped to watch the commotion.
All of a sudden, the door to the Body Waxers Suite swung open and a tall, wide-eyed man shot out. He glanced directly at the Buddleia bush, before then launching himself down the street in the opposite direction carrying three bags of gold. Pofi cussed and was out from under the bush straight away, giving chase, when the terrier’s jaws clamped tightly around her right boot as she shot passed.
“Ahh!” she cried as she fell to the ground, her invisibility spell immediately being broken by the dogs’s attack.
“Grrr!” said the dog, enjoying the new game and shaking her right leg.
“It is you, Pofi? I knew it was you. What on Earth were you doing, hiding under a Buddleia Bush?”
“Great!” she said, “Seen when I don’t want to be, not seen when I do!”
The dog shook her foot.
“Get off!” she cried, as she saw a second man stagger out of the Body Waxers. He seemed confused. Half his body was hairy, while the other half was completely bare. Thankfully, he wore a sheet as a loincloth.
“Er…Help?!...Thief?” he shouted, pointing away the man who was running down the street, “...er…my gold?...Someone?...Anyone?”
Pofi tried again to get to her feet to give chase but as a gnome it was hard for her to get the terrier off her boot. She kicked at the dog in frustration as it growled and shook its head.
There was a small gasp from the crowd that had gathered.
“Don’t you kick at Gator, young lady,” Mrs Grimes spat, “ How dare you? He was just protecting me!” and she began hitting Pofi over the head with her shopping bag.
There was a small round of applause from the crowd.
Pofi tried again to get up, but realised her efforts were futile. Constantly whacked by a shopping bag, she relented, and just lay on her front.
‘There are definitely potatoes in that bag,’ she thought.
She put her hands up.
“Alright, Mrs Grimes,” Pofi said eventually, “I’m sorry. I was trying to stop the theft that just occurred over there, but once again I seem to have failed. Can you get your dog off me?”
Mrs Grimes stopped hitting her.
“What? Are you undercover again?” she asked.
Pofi sighed.
“Yeeesss!”
“Oh Pofi, it wasn’t very good. Undercover means creating a disguise so no-one knows who you are…not hiding under a bush.”
The dog shook harder, as its teeth gained a better purchase, and started making holes in Pofi’s red boot.
“Yes, I know…look, can you please just get your dog off me?!”
Mrs Grimes looked affronted.
“Alright, alright, keep your hair on. If you’re going to go round hiding under bushes, what do you expect? Of course dogs are going to sniff you out! Come on, Gator.”
She slowly got to grips with Gator’s reins and pulled him off.
The dog whined disappointedly.
Pofi slowly got to her feet and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. She looked around, the crowd watching her every move. The thief had completely disappeared, the money was gone, the burgled man was a crumpled heap in the doorway of the shop, and everyone had seen Pofi fail.
‘Great!’ she thought, her shoulders sagging.
“You know, Pofi,” Mrs Grimes continued as Gator sniffed Pofi’s boot and then cocked its leg against it, “I admire your tenacity, but it’s easy to let your fears alter who you are. You need to rise above them.”
There was a murmur of agreement from the crowd.
Pofi stood looking at Mrs Grimes blankly, as Gator’s urine splashed all over and into her boot. She smirked, which was the most polite face she could pull, and then she pushed her way through the small crowd, walking away from Mrs Grimes and her dog. She was so annoyed, she really felt like giving Mrs Grimes the finger, but chose, instead, to be professional…and just swear at her under her breath.
“I heard that!” Mrs Grimes shouted after her.
Pofi winced, and walked over to the burgled man, who seemed to be crying into his loincloth. Her boot squelched as she went.
“What happened?” she said, sniffing.
The man looked up. He looked a little more in control of his faculties than he had earlier.
“Who’re…you?” he looked at her quizzically, “Oh wait!...Pofi Pavu?...No!...No wonder the thief got away!”
Pofi wiped her nose with the back of her hand and then offered the same hand to help the man up. The man looked repulsed and shook his head. He stood up on his own.
“Why don’t you just tell me what happened?” she asked, getting out her notebook.
The man sighed.
“I was getting…body waxed when…well…the fumes…and his voice…so soothing, lulling…head massage. Then…door was open and my gold was gone...and my clothes. He took my undergarments?”
Pofi noted this down in her notebook. It was classic Body Waxing manipulation and it was rife in the city.
“So, what did he look like?”
“Er…like Sacheonite.”
Pofi also noted these useless details into her notebook. Sacheon was a far eastern realm where everything was made. Everything.
“Anything else you want to tell me?”
“Yeah, you did nothing. I’m complaining…to your boss!”
As if she didn’t have enough problems.
“Fine,” she replied irritatedly, “I’d get your wax finished first. You look like a half-skinned Flomtoid!”
(The Unobjectionable Flomtoid was the lesser known cousin of the Abominable Snowman).
The man scoffed.
“Better a Flomtoid than a laughingstock!” he retorted.
Pofi carried on walking, her boot squelching as she went.
Inside her little heart deflated like a punctured beachball and dropped behind her kidney.
She couldn’t believe she’d failed again. Everytime!
She followed the rules, did what she’d been taught in her training, made sure every box was ticked, and yet failure followed failure. She wasn’t sure she could keep this up for much longer.
She damned well knew she wouldn’t have much choice anyway. Her boss, Mr Le Cerclé, was very likely going to fire her any moment now. Undercover Agents of the Haerie Dangally Realm were expected to achieve results, no excuses.
“I bet you didn’t have these problems!” she said, looking up to the sky.
Maybe she wasn’t supposed to be an undercover agent. Maybe she was better off selling pans on the market. That had occurred to her. But what she knew in her heart was that this was what she loved. The case assessments, the setting of traps, the fight for justice. This was who she wanted to be, and yet, no matter how hard she tried, ever since day one, she’d failed. Everytime.
Well, now she was going to be fired for it - and what were the newspapers going to call her then!
She went to see the boss.
