A Clinician’s Journey from Complex Trauma to Thriving

One of the fairytales I treasured as a little girl poignantly captured the hardships of childhood. Hans Christian Anderson’s The Little Match Girl told of a young abused girl driven to begging in order to survive. Braving the cold of winter she lights her matches thus illuminating visions and imaginings of a better life. As she slowly freezes to death, she receives a visitation from her deceased grandmother. Her uniting with the one person who loved and cared for her is fulfilled through death. While this might be deemed tragic I perceived it as liberation from life’s intractable suffering. She was free. I was not.

Born into a family plagued by mental illness and generational abuse and trauma largely determined my life’s trajectory. I was either doomed to repeat this tragic narrative or discover ways to transcend my circumstances. Although the lure of death appealed to me, much like the little match girl hopes of a better life took precedence. Unbeknownst to me then, it was the myriad ways in which I endured that would eventually give definition to a deeper meaning and purpose.

The love of my grandmother, albeit ruptured by separation offered me a corrective experience of attachment. My immersion in books and art offered glimpses of beauty. My active imagination helped me escape through daydreams and fantasy and afforded me a tenable sense of agency. The spark of inspiration encouraged me to conceptualize what I desired and incited the impulse to persevere. Jung’s statement, “the soul demands your folly, not your wisdom” proved true many times over. Countless misguided steps, mistakes and self-destructive exploits ensued, but ultimately these intrepid imaginings and foolish choices led to a more grounded perspective and the fulfillment of ambitions as a psychotherapist and an interfaith minister. It also led to my reclaiming my creative inclinations.

This compilation of essays and articles is a tangible expression of decades of relentlessly seeking healing from complex trauma, and eventually attaining a life immersed in thriving. It is my offering to those who bear the scars of complex trauma and are courageously dedicated to the process of restoration. No doubt healing from complex trauma is an arduous journey often tremendously challenging and tragic, but it is a noble and necessary undertaking worthy of one’s suffering.

Intellectually understanding my struggles was critical to my stabilization. I needed to know what I was dealing with before I could attempt to mend my difficulties and exhume buried parts of me. For that reason it is my deepest wish that this anthology of articles will assist both survivors and healers with better comprehending the travails of trauma so as to lay the foundation for navigating the process of reclaiming those parts of the Self that for the sake of survival were disowned. All the more so, I hope these readings encourage you to embrace that sense of wonder that got obscured and seemingly annihilated by traumatic abuse. Let it guide you. It is a vital pathway to your sacred essence. Without it there is no purpose. We merely exist.

REV. SHERI HELLER, LCSW

New York, N.Y. July 2017