Never enough
The lingering burns from her past, left scars on her heart. “I never deserved to be hurt.” She whispered as tears fell. She looked at the photo hanging on the gym wall—a dog-eared photo, framed. Sung-ho smiled as he hugged his soulmate—the new life glowing on her face.
She thought of the day he told her. Jae. Please, I need to talk. She finally had picked up after endless voicemails. Why? What more is there to say? Her words she soon regretted.
T-that day, the hospital after the accident. Your mom..
She told me..that you’d had an abortion. He started. What? His voice cracked, " I'm sorry..I never meant to hurt you. I-i we lost our baby. I was so angry, so devastated, and broken.
I tried to talk to you. Make sure you were ok. Alive. He fought through his tears. ‘After the wreck..”
His voice became heavy. She had told me..told me you were fine.
That you never wanted to see me again. That you regretted us. The baby. That you thought , you were too young.
I was so angry I blew up and she threatened me. I tried for months to get you to talk to me.
Hyun Jae's eyes widened, her heart wrenching.
But your mom never let me, she even reported me for stalking..she gave me a restraining order. I-i I'm sorry. I should've tried harder. She shook violently.
I should've told you the day we reunited. I should have told you everything. But I lied, hid things from you. Im so sorry. He broke down his voice gasps and sobs of sorrow.
She was angry beyond anger. Without thinking, she lashed. Words of pain and betrayal dripped like daggers.
She hurt him. She hurt the person she loved out of anger and pain caused by her mother.
He tried to hold onto her. Grasping af sand as she drew away further from him. She closed her heart completely.
The photo made her feel so much anger and pain after a year of knowing. Knowing her unborn baby was taken from her. Her life was stolen. Her mother betrayed her trust. Destroying her happiness. She never got to process it. Buried between the amnesia. Years living as a ghost of her former self. Until that day he rescued her from her tower. He saved her from being killed. The concert and the gunshots. It all had flooded back after the storm they had endured. But instead of walking through the fire together. She scaled him. Closing her heart. “It's for the best” she uttered. In her mind in order to heal she had to leave them behind. Even if it meant losing the love of her life. She needed to become who she is now. The woman that she had survived to be. The person she needed to be strong. Without him…
She pulled herself up slowly. The chains are crumbling to the ground. She clenched her fists. Feeling a slow feeling of anger and determination. “I won't let this stop me from fighting for myself.” She proclaimed. It hurts, but I won't let it break me. I have to keep fighting. “ she thought. With one final tear, she wiped her eyes. Never again will she destroy me. No one will hurt me again. No one. Her thoughts became her own. Her feelings more important than her heartbreak. As she pulled herself to the exit. She looked back once more. “Goodbye, eomma” Hyun-jae whispered. Lowering her head in grief, and resignation. Her voice broke. But her spirit didn’t.
Though Hyun-Jae hated that she felt the weight of her trauma weighing her down like a thick blanket.
She wanted to fight for herself, even though she had to draw strength from nothing. She felt she was grabbing sand and watching as it slipped from her fingers.
She lost her memories, now that she gained them back she felt like it was impossible to overcome the darkness within her. She lost the love of her life, her mother, Ga-eul. She even lost the relationship she could have had with her father.
If it wasn't for her mom keeping everything a secret..lying, manipulating…and taking her future.
She screamed out loud punching her invisible demons. I hate that you kept this from me, I hate that you tried to control me, I hate that I wanted you to love me. I hate that I sacrificed so much of my life wasted on pleasing you. I hate that I believed you. She screamed again uncontrollably twisting her body in the room. She threw off her gloves, sinking to the ground.
You were never there for me! You left me alone! She spat the words out curling her body inward. How am I supposed to overcome this huh?! Why would you ever try to push your shit on someone else! Why couldn't you love me for me and stop trying to force me to be everything you're not? She began to weep silently, falling over to her side. Why didn't you love me…She sat there for what felt like hours. Until she was finally able to move. She pulled herself up.
I'm done wasting any more time on you. She said, pushing her hair back. She walked over to the exit taking her keys with her. She looked back one last time before throwing the door back with a slam.
Hyun-Jae felt a new determination rising inside her. I'm never letting her destroy me again. She sucked in a breath of air. Never.
She walked towards her car. The sun had already set. The night sky is clear. She looked around her. The old parking lot is filled with potholes. A small dandelion grew in the cracks. You too huh?
She felt a connection to the blosoming flower, finally feeling like her heart wasn't in pieces. Finally feeling free from the chains of her prison. Taking out her worn camera, Hyun-jae had tucked it away in her bag. zooming in on the flower, golden, beautiful, and slightly wilted. Her camera shuttered, capturing the fragile star. Once her photo was set in stone. The tear-soaked girl, took her gently tucked it in the bag. As she walked to her car, she glanced at the golden glow of the sun. It peered through the trees. She did her best to carry herself. Hyun-jae may have been alone. Lost. Afraid. But she was stronger and was never going to let anyone hurt her again.
As the car started she wondered to herself how Sung-ho was doing. Was he finding himself, had he fallen in love again?
She turned on the radio, “I wish you could love me again no, I don't want anybody else”. She sang. She backed out of the driveway slowly. Putting her car into drive. As she reached the road. She sighed. She looked into her rearview mirror, at the beautiful cherry blossoms falling slowly to the ground. As she drove away towards the unknown.
