Silent battles

I don’t feel like studying. I don’t feel like doing anything at all. But if I don’t study, I won’t get a job. And if I don’t get a job, my family will marry me off. To escape this cycle, I have only one choice— to study, to fight, and to become something on my own.

But what can I do? I feel like I’m good at nothing. I have no special skills, no extra talents. At this point, all I can do is leave it in God’s hands. Yet even God won’t help me unless I help myself first. Until I take a step forward, no one else can truly stand with me.

Every day I think about trying something new, something that might help me move ahead, but I fail to take the first step. This endless tug-of-war inside me feels impossible to escape.

Life is meant to be lived—

but one needs a reason to live it.

One day, I too will tell life itself,

“This is how you’re meant to be lived.”

At every turn, there seems to be someone waiting to give others a reason to keep moving forward. But in my case, I find no such reason. Whenever I try to hold on to someone, they disappear after three or four months. I wonder—is it just me, or does this happen to everyone? Maybe my destiny itself is to be left behind.

I used to believe in hard work, not destiny. But today, life has forced me to rely only on fate. Each corner brings me a new puzzle. The moment I solve it, half of it erases, leaving me exhausted. In the end, maybe I’ll become a person without emotions—someone who won’t be affected by who comes or who leaves.

Who do I trust? My family? The same people who brought me into this world, yet can’t stand the way I look or think? To them, I’m nothing but a burden.

My heart broke the day my mother said, “Put on this cream so you look fairer. Maybe then a boy’s family will like you, and your marriage will be fixed soon.”

If I cannot trust my own family, how can I trust the world?

Now, everything is left to God. Whatever happens, will happen.

Still, a part of me quietly wishes—

maybe one day, someone will come into my life… someone who understands me, values me, and stays.

But I don’t know if such a person even exists…

Or if they will only appear after I am completely broken.