stigma
bts-spring day (jvckrs trap remix)
clash
I was born of a mistake.
My mother was an independent woman with dreams of becoming someone big. She had no intentions of getting into a relationship, with that she had absolutely no thoughts of having children yet.
One day, her job was having a celebration gathering for ten years of successful business. Being the CEO assistant, she had no choice but to go. Apparently, there were alcohol drinks there. My mother supposedly couldn’t hold her liquor. She got drunk, of course, and ended up sleeping with a former close friend of hers.
That close friend was my father.
After waking up both naked in bed and with pounding heads, they quickly became stressed at the situation. I’m going to guess my mom said to keep this a secret and pretend it didn’t happen. My father agreed.
But, my mother found out she was pregnant with me a couple weeks later. I heard that she was even more stressed, and it was getting in the way of her job.
But...
She... she didn’t have an abortion. She didn’t get rid of me. She quit her job and moved away, doing all of that and didn’t even tell my father. So I can’t blame him if he doesn’t know about me to this day.
I know I shouldn’t know all of this at ten years old. But I do.
My mom moved away from the city, and to a place with less people. She was taken in by a nice old couple, who showered her with food, love, and shelter. My mother was so thankful, being by herself and pregnant would be hard. I wonder if she regretted not telling my dad.
Seven months passed and I was growing healthy in my mother’s stomach. The old couple acted the role of being my grandparents, but i’ve never met them. Not that I know of.
Besides that, my mother had begun to have a cough. The old woman became worried if she was getting sick, but mom brushed it off as allergies. But the more time had passed, the worse mom had got. It was a couple weeks before I was born. A doctor, a former friend of the old couple had diagnosed mom with a high fever.
The doctor offered to take her to the hospital, but my mom declined. She didn’t want to be seen in the pitiful condition. I would say that it was a selfish move, but I don’t.
The doctor was reluctant, but agreed with her decision. Not without giving her a bottle of medicine. She left and wasn’t seen again until after my birth.
Weeks passed and before my mother knew it, she was going through labor. Her fever had not left, and it wasn’t helping. My birth was early, unexpected. So the doctor didn’t make it in time. Luckily, the old woman of the couple was a former midwife.
My mom had passed out over and over again during the painful labor, it was hard for the old couple to see the young woman go through it. Soon, I was born. A healthy, yet premature baby. Mind the pink hair.
The old couple’s hearts swelled at the sight of my tired mother hold me in her arms, yet happiness shined in her eyes. I wish I could remember.
That happy moment only lasted for a short time, before my mother had died of blood loss. The old woman wasn’t able to stop the bleeding. Soon after, the doctor had arrived, only to see a healthy baby boy, and dead mother.
I wish I could’ve met her. Oh how I wish I could’ve met her.
The doctor had called the hospital to take my mother’s deceased body. I wonder how her friends reacted. If they actually found out about her and me. Besides that, the doctor had asked who was going to care for me. The old couple sadly had to give me up, knowing that they were too old to care for a baby themselves.
The doctor took me to the hospital, giving me proper aid before anyone can doing anything about me. After a couple days at the hospital, I was ready for adoption. But the strange thing that happened was, the doctor had adopted me. She took me in as her own son.
She told me many times that she didn’t name me, my mother did. The old couple had said, right before she had taken me, that my mom loved the summer light, and planned of naming me in a somewhat similar way. I believe that’s all I know about her personally.
I was named, Natsu.
“Why are you so quiet this morning?” Kinko asked, slamming the fridge shut with a water bottle in her left hand. I looked at her with a boredom filled in my eyes. Crossing my arms and leaning on the kitchen counter I replied.
“I’m always like this, Kin.”
She quickly replied with “You know, you can call me mom.”
“But you’re not my mom.” I replied just as fast, looking up with my piercing eyes. She stood at the counter right across from me and pressed her lips together. It was something she did when she was troubled or upset.
It felt like a minute had passed before she replied. “Still, i’m in the position of being your parent. Kids don’t call their parents by their first names.”
“Should I call you by your last name then? Besides, you said I can call you mom, meaning I have a choice to or not.” I sighed, sitting up and stretching. I heard a scoff come from her lips.
“When did you start analyzing people’s sentences?”
“What does analyze mean?”
“Never mind, your bus should be coming any minute now.” Kinko put her black, curly hair in a low ponytail. I grabbed my bag that was hanging on a chair, hooking it on my shoulder. I said nothing and made my way to the front door. I opened the door, but right before I could make a step outside, I felt a hand clutch my shoulder.
“Hey, why don’t you ever let me drive you to school?”
I tilted my head up and looked at her through the corner of my eye. “The bus stop isn’t that far. I don’t wanna make you late for work, anyways.”
I didn’t let her answer before I walked out the door, closing it after. I could just imagine the sad look on her face, and it always gave my heart tugs. I didn’t mean to be like that, it’s just who I am. I’ve been told I am mature for my age (fourteen years old) but I also have a quick temper. I don’t depend on others much, and I like to do things myself.
Apparently, it’s not normal.
When I was seven, Kinko took me to a child psychiatrist. Whatever that is.
I was diagnosed with an attachment disorder. Meaning I have trouble making long-lasting relationships, or not being able to be ‘affectionate’ to others. Something like that. It was all bullcrap, i’m fine and don’t need help.
Seven years later, i’m the same.
I readjusted my bag on my shoulder, scowling to myself. Maybe I should’ve let her drive me to school. The bus stop was a whole block away from our house! But it doesn’t matter now, i’m almost there.
I heard small rapid footsteps behind me, instantly letting me know who it is. I rolled my shoulders, waiting for the ‘scare’ to happen.
“Natsu!” A voice yelled in my ear as a light weight was suddenly placed on my back. Warmth spread on my back, making my cheeks red. I continued walking as I grabbed her thighs and lifted her on my back to make myself comfortable. I knew she wouldn’t get off until we were at the bus stop.
“You do this everyday, how do you expect me to get scared?”
I saw strands of her blonde hair fall from my peripheral vision. “I don’t expect you to get scared, I expect you to expect me.” I stopped walking and turned my head around, giving her a puzzled look. She just closed her eyes and smiled.
I turned my head back around and proceeded to walk again. “You’re not normal.”
“Define not normal."
“Lucy Heartfilia.”
“Tch, incorrect!” She exclaimed, tugging on my pink locks of hair. I exhaled through my nose, what do you get when your birth mom was blonde and your dad was a redhead? It may look pink, but it’s really salmon. Somewhat.
I saw the bus stop ahead, making me mutter a “Finally..”
I saw a lot more of kids sitting around the bus stop, looks like seats will be scarce once again. I felt the weight on my back leave, my breath coming back instantly. I breathed out as I saw Lucy stand next to me from the corner of my eye. I noticed she didn’t have her backpack on, immediately my mind became alert.
“Hey,” I started, Lucy looking at me while yawning. “Did Cana steal your backpack, again?”
Lucy smiled wearily with a shrug. “She didn’t steal it it, I let her use it for her medicine. Besides, she said she would have give it back before my first class starts.” I take a sharp inhale. Oh how oblivious Lucy could be at this age. Her older sister, Cana, would use her backpack every once in a while to carry her ‘medicine’, as she would call it. But I know what it actually is.
I just never told Lucy.
“Do you have your inhaler, though?”
Lucy looked away with a sheepish smile. “Do you want me to tell the truth or say yes?”
I said nothing and scowled to myself. Sometimes she could be so careless. About herself, her safety, her health even. Why do I even bother? Oh, I remember. Because I promised her sister to take care of her when she can’t. Geez, why can’t I be stay angry at anyone?
“Please,” She pleaded, her brown eyes dazed and full of something I couldn’t quite catch. I knew she wasn’t herself, but I also knew that she was dead serious.
“Take care of Lucy for me when I can’t. I’m a pathetic excuse of a sister and daughter, but from the bottom of my heart, save her.” Her voice trembled as she bit her bottom lip and sniffed, tears just waiting to be dropped. To fall.
I stared at her blankly, so many thought going through my head, yet I couldn’t stop myself from saying. “Okay.”
“Promise me.”
I furrowed my eye brows. “I promise.”
She gave a watery smile, a single tear falling down. She wrapped her arms around me and sobbed into my hair. I just sat there letting her hug me, my heart beating a million miles per hour. Heh, here I am, a eighteen year old girl, crying her heart out while her mind was on high.
Oh. That’s right. It’s cause’...
It’s cause’ I care.
unedited, of course.
