Chapter 1 - Self Discoveries
The weather that morning was miserable, and only got worse from there. The darkened clouds along the horizon seemed sinister. Made more so by the distant rumbling of thunder and the occasional flashing lights that cut through the dark sky like static, outlining the gloom. The refreshing ocean breeze that seeped through the windows caressed my heated flesh as I laid drowsily in the comfy bed stifling a yawn. Yet, sleep was evasive.
Suffering with insomnia helped matters naught, and having an overthinking mind that wanders along, mixed with the excitement of returning home, made matters all the more exhausting. Despite going to bed late, I woke earlier than usual. Afterall, I had a boat to catch. Bags were packed and ready for departure. I was always overly equipped.
Leaning against the headboard of the bed, I reflected on the discoveries that I’d made. These revelations left me in total wonderment at the self destructive damage I’d been undergoing for years. But like the slogan of a political party, I decided that “Change is a Must!” In this instance, I knew that I needed to re-evaluate everything and everyone in my life. Change was inevitable!
At 5 am, I peeked out the window around the curtains, and could see the slight lift of the darkened skies turning light. Gathering my necessary toiletries, I headed for the shower. Letting the water slice down my body - from head to toe, I imagined it chasing the heat of the sweltering evening away. Basking in the refreshing feeling or calm, I took a moment and spent some time with the maker. Gratitude for life was always required.
Carefully, I disembarked the ferry and hummed a happy tune. I was one step closer to home, one step closer to fulfilling the goals that preoccupied the whole existence of my being.
It was a new year, and I was starting it off with zeal to challenge myself with the goals put together on my week long vacation. A vacation that was the first of many to come. Though it was just a week, a lot came to light about myself that needed to be faced.
It had been years of the same thing - work and home, then added school to the equation and the routine sucked the life outta me. But if you’d asked me before I’d taken the trip, “are you okay?” the answer would have been the usual, “Yes, I’m good.”
Nobody noticed that I was tired and overwhelmed. None picked up on the subtle signs of my quick annoyance or the way I snapped. I was always aware of others’ well-being or in tune with their emotions, but when it came to me, no one could see through the responses given.
Did anyone ever truly cared?
Was I just too sensitive to others but not myself?
Since the trip. I realized that genuine happiness remains an elusive term. Being ‘okay’ and ‘alright’ was no longer enough for me. I was missing a ton of other things to help keep me settled, I was discovering that there was some kind of turmoil within. I was beginning to see that a broken girl lies beneath the multitudes of swift excuses and brief responses I’d given to everyone. And in order for me to gain that true contentment I needed, I’d have some changes to infuse.
One would wonder if I’d lost it since I lived in a peaceful area on the island. But no, I hadn’t. I’ve understood that there were decisions I needed to make to get me where I needed to be, not where I wanted to be, and definitely not where I’m at, at present. Positivity was the new norm for me, and I was excited to see where it would take me.
A notification pinged my phone, alerting me of a new message. My step falters slightly to the sound, but I continue on. I was almost to the customs building.
Did I even want to know what it entailed?
Would it even be worth the read?
I no longer had that mindset to deal with negativity, no matter what form it took. That headset was so yester-year. Another two alerts chimed in soon after the first message. Groaning out my frustration, I stopped to the side and closed my eyes for a moment. Centering myself with a chant that I’d been using this past week, and relaxed a bit.
You’re a strong independent woman, who knows that she wants and can achieve it all! Don’t let nothing and no one deter you from your goals. No matter how strong the adversity. You can conquer it all!
Heaving a shaky sigh, I opened my eyes, stepping further to the side with my suitcase, ensuring I was out of the way from the disembarking passengers. A nagging feeling of impending doom slithered down my spine, and I shivered in trepidation.
Why me?
Am I that unlucky?
Whom did I offend?
Pulling my phone out from my backpack, I swiped the screen to unlock the phone. That feeling of impending doom, morphed into reality.
The first few lines I read left me reeling. I could feel the start of a headache coming on. The freeing mood that I was just basking in, that happy -carefree mood, almost flew out the window. For a brief moment the smile upon my face vanished away, my sunshine was nowhere to be seen.
Closing my eyes, I could feel one of my many panic attacks clawing its way up to my chest. That tell-tale sign of racing heartbeats, intense stretch of my veins along my neckline towards my shoulders, the sudden twinge of indigestion pain when I had no indigestion problems, all had me cursing black and blue within my head.
The uncontrollable course of events drives me crazy. Off all the times, it had to be now.
Taking deep breaths and chanting calming thoughts, I felt the panic retreat to the back of my head. Slowly opening my eyes, a dull tension pulled across my forehead, and behind my eyes could be felt. Other than that soft throbbing, I was okay enough to move forward. Lifting my head towards the darkening heavens, the setting sun was slowly fading into billowing clouds. The weather seems to mirror my present emotion.
I had no plans to be caught up in any of the bad weather nor this chaos of confused and weak dance of an excuse of a non-existent connection. I whispered a prayer requesting strength to ignore and to have peace of mind. Taking deep breaths, I slowly release my displeasure. Muting the phone, I returned it to the pocket of my backpack and proceeded.
My stint in customs was brief as I had nothing to declare. Stepping out of the customs office was swift. As I stepped out onto the walkway towards the main road, I glanced about at the bustle. It looked like any other day on the island. Patrons going about their day, vehicles blaring loudly and chatter or laughter from individuals permeate the environment.
Despite having a bitch of a headache, there was a spring in my steps, and a smile on my face. A smile that may seem foreign to some onlookers who only see impressions they have formed. I was home. Finally, I could put my foot up and relax. I could now battle any obstacles and implement changes.
My peace of mind was top notch and I was determined to achieve it fully. Grabbing the phone, I slipped out the door and walked over to the sitting area overlooking the cliff, towards the Atlantic ocean. I unmuted the phone, unlocked the phone and took a deep breath to stabilize my mood. Opening the messenger app, I clicked on the message bubble and felt myself grow drained. Letting out a curse that could make any nuns look at me in disgust, I fought for control over the feelings and emotions that were threatening to spill over.
I can survive this just as I’ve survived everything else before. I didn’t need these silly excuses from weak individuals to placate me.. For that’s exactly what they were.
Excuses.
An easy way out, a way to escape real life problems.
Why do I even bother?
Was I deserving of this?
NO!
Determined now more than ever, I decided I was done trying. I was tired of giving and not receiving. I wasn’t going to fight for something that wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t going to fight to clear up misconceptions that could simply be dispelled with being faced head on and solved with sound decisions.
Yet, despite my positive rant, and self beratement, I saw myself typing a response, asking a question I really shouldn’t. Asking a question to prolong a conversation that could have just been ended with one simple response. It was like I enjoyed this extended torture. Something I would never encourage others to do.
“Did you ever truly love me?”
