To Be Blue

"We are here today to discuss the thoughts you were having, the suicidal thoughts."

The room they were in was smaller and darker to be a good psychiatric room, but it wasn't a psychiatric clinic really so it wasn't a fancy setup,

It was a once-every-two-months-used psychiatric room in the police department they were at,

It had one tall comfortable leather chaise longue opposite a big leather chair,

In between them there was a rounded wooden table with two cops of coffee and a small recorder working on it, beige walls, and a brown floor and nothing special about its walls other than it had a big window that viewed the garage of the building they were in.

On the chaise longue, setting upright, uncomfortably yet confident, tying her arms around her waist, looking at the person on the chair in great amounts of confusion and discomfort was: Juliana Shepard.

Jul was a 27-year-old female, average height about 162 cm, a normal petite feminine body, not a model's thin nor it was curvy, just in between, the fullness was mostly on the breast and belly.

Her facial features gave her an age much younger than she actually is and the innocent aura she had didn't help with that a lot.

Her hair was heavy wavy dark black short pixie cut hair with multiple layers of different lengths going from short to tall, her hair contrasted a lot with her pale milky skin,

It covered her ears from the front but she always puts her hair behind her ears to show them, her ears weren't pierced.

And her hair had short bangs that were scattered randomly on her forehead with taller ones on the sides of her forehead, her hair was thicker in the back

She had thick black eyebrows,

Her face was small with a sharp yet small jawline, the heavy light brown freckles covered both of her rounded flushed cheeks and sharp small nose,

Her eyes were big sleepy honey coloured, almost bright yellow, with dark circles under them,

Her lips were rounded but frowny with a scar above the upper lip, a longitudinal old scar from a cleft lip operation.

She was in a police uniform, a black uniform of two pieces and a bulletproof vest on top with her gun in it, the uniform also had a black hat that she took off and put beside her,

In front of her was a psychiatrist who worked for the department she worked for, his name was Frederic Stiles, 35 years old, average length, golden skin, silky brown hair and sharp facial features that worked well with the sharp black suit he wore, but he took the blazer off as it was a hot day.

He was holding a note in his hands that had papers in it, he kept looking at the paper then at jül.

The air between Fred and Jul was tense, some would think it is because they are discussing a rather delicate matter but it isn't,

The air between them has always been this way since the first session they had together last year,

They couldn't stand each other and everyone could easily tell that, maybe it is because it is obvious or maybe because of the rumours that they nearly had a physical fight once.

But even though, Frederic was a professional doctor, he knew well how to separate his own feelings from a session, so the sessions between them went pretty normally,

Most of the time.

"Dr Frederic, respectfully, I don't even know why we are talking with each other. This isn't the time of your two-month visit to the department and I don't recall asking for an urgent meeting with you before the time of your visit came,

So may I ask why I'm here exactly ?"

Asked Jul, her voice deep and thick.

Fred answered looking at her nonchalantly yet kindly if the question didn't matter to him as much as he cared about what he wanted and was going to discuss :

"A fellow officer of yours reported this to the department head as she was very worried about you and he reported it to me.

He urged me to take a deep look at the matter.

After careful thought, I felt it was a matter that can not wait till another month when my usual visits occur."

Jul squinted her eyes in confusion :

"She? The partner I work with is a man, Noah."

He says looking at her as she said the dumbest thing :

"It is not your partner, I said a fellow officer ."

She opens her mouth ready to comment but he precedes her :

"And I can not disclose anything about her personal information,

It is a sensitive matter what she reported and we all think it is better if she stays anonymous for her and you to stay on good terms."

Jul's face shows, obviously, that she isn't convinced or pleased about his explanation, but she just wanted this thing to end so she moved right to the point :

"Ok then, if that is the case then I assure you Dr Fredric that I have no such thoughts and I have no reason to even think this way."

Frederic says :

"Since we came to talk about reasons,

I have also known that a separation between you and your twin sister took place after a car accident you both had,

It could be the reason for those thoughts,

Can we talk about that ?"

Again, jul squinted her eyes and it was obvious that it stressed Fred when she did that as his grip around his pen would get tighter,

it made him feel he was losing her

willingness to talk,

She then forces a smile making him confused though he kept a still face:

"Seems like this fellow officer follows my family drama, passionately."

Fred smiles gently :

"Well, it was on the news when it happened 2 years ago so I wouldn't say it is hard to know about ?"

Jul nods in agreement , smiling , then she says :

"Julia, my twin studied music and applied for an internship for a big orchestra in the neighbouring kingdom before the accident took place,

she got accepted and went there to be back after it ended, but being the

Talented person she is,

she got accepted and hired in it

there and thus she stayed,

It has nothing to do with the accident,

It was just an accident ."

Then she says sarcastically:

"Not all accidents have a dramatic plot, dr.'

He seems displeased about the sarcasm so he says straightforwardly, trying to avoid further hovering around the main topic :

"Even an accident where your own mother lost her life ?"

Jul loses the smile but the sarcastic face remains, her eyes were on the doctor but her mind seemed to be elsewhere,

Fred waited for a response from her and he knew she would respond even if she didn't feel like it because that was a characteristic of her, she hates to lose an argument,

And she didnt disappoint answering :

"We had an accident, the three of us, me, my sister and my mother .mum died we survived, that is it.

There is nothing special about an accident, an expected outcome of any accident is death, and that is what happened in our case like any other case, we aren't special."

Fred looks at her eyes intensely if he is trying to penetrate them into her brain, he tries to see if it is the right choice to push further more in this topic or quit it, and after a few seconds of thinking: he decides it is the second one,

He finds himself looking at the eye bags she has , as he says :

"It doesn't seem you sleep well."

Jul seems relieved a bit now that they changed topics, she answers :

"I overwork, I am a rookie ."

Then she laughs :

"Not all eye bags have a deep story behind them, too."

The sarcism again,

it isn't something Fred likes, and it takes him a second to try to organise himself and not show his displeasure

She sighs about to get up :

"If there isn't anything else for us to.."

He cuts her off, reading from the paper in his hand :

"Sometimes while driving I think of just letting go of the steering wheel and letting the car crash where it wants,

i want it to fly in the air, make two loops so my body is smashed against its doors and seats repeatedly and my head gets crushed,

then it lands with me taking my last breaths.

I just want to know how it would feel,

How it felt."

Jul's eyes got darker listening to him read that, anger and sadness crept into them as the doctor now looked at her and said :

"Those are your words."

She says, irritated :

"My privately shared words with my ex-boyfriend."

He ignores the remarks and says :

"Those words are a clear declaration of a suicidal thought, even intention."

She sighs :

"Those are the words of a previously depressed person who lost their mum ."

He says :

"Yes , but you did take a bullet for a leutienet here 4 monthes ago , officer ,

And thinking you are dying , you also said that you desrve it , that you finally know abit of how your mother felt,

The doctor who examined you heard those words and told me that they are also concerning. "

Jul looks at him in anger then she passes a hand in her hair pulling it back then removing it as the hair falls back immediately on her head and forehead,

it seems she is thinking of a response but not finding any yet,

And so he takes the chance and continues :

"The thing is Officer juliana, if a police officer's mental status is compromised, then I am afraid they can't be in the field for a while,

Specially if they have suicide thoughts that makes them take steps towards death not the othrr way, like you did with leutienet elias , taking a bullet for him."

Now Jul looks pissed off :

"Compromised?

Your diagnosis is based on

a he said she said situation.

Is this a joke? "

He sighs, uncomfortable with her sharp tone, he says :

"That is why I am trying to have a conversation with you, to confirm that what is said is not true."

Then he says :

"And it is not only a matter of he said she said,

It is also evident from your behaviour that something is not right,

You are not interactive in the department at all,

You have been working here for 3 and half years now and you have not made a single friend in the same age group and unit of yours , not even an acquaintance,

you don't try to engage with anyone,

And even the one who engages with you, you shut away, like your partner Noah.

Partner officers usually form a bond of friendship ."

She says sarcastically and angrily:

"I was not well aware that being an introvert is considered a psychiatric problem nowadays."

He says gently :

"But you are not an introvert,

I learned that you were a popular person in both high school and college and that you can make friends , even close friends , like the bestfriend you grew up with."

Then he says :

"And what is more important is that I was informed that you have a very close elder friend, 60 years old, who lives in a nursing home ."

Jul looks at him and with each moment that passes it becomes clear to him that she is making less effort in hiding her annoyance:

"Is it a psychiatrist consultation or a personal investigation, Dr Frederick?"

He answers :

"Please, no need to take that personally,

I am just trying to form an image of your ongoings,

It is serious what we are doing,

I might have to recommend you be laid off the force for a while if I feel that your mental status is fragile."

Jul looks at him in surprise, she moves her hand to put it on her mouth, moving one finger over her lip scar up and down as she says:

"I can not understand what does me having an elderly friend has to do with anything really ?"

He says :

"I just need to understand why you would feel the need to go to a nursing home to try to make friends out of both your age group and your environment when there are a lot of people here working with you that can be friends to you."

She laughs, still touching her scar back and forth :

"Your informer didn't do their homework well,

I don't go to a nursing home to make friends,

The nursing home belongs to Mr Samuel, my elderly friend as you describe it, who also happens to be my dad's best friend and neighbour for years and the father of my best friend( that you mentioned) since childhood.

I have been around Sam since I was born,

I would come with his son to the nursery house to play and have fun,

When I was 18, I started to work there during the holidays and thus Sam and I became friends,

Besides being like a family member to me :

He is a former police officer and I had already put my mind on being one at this age,

Being the first one in the two families _both my mum and dad's side _to be one, I had none to guide me, my father's family are bakers and my mother's family works in trade.

Being a police officer in our kingdom isn't easy and is very competitive, it takes a lot of work and needs a lot of effort, there are many tests to pass and many skills to acquire,

I asked him for advice and guidance and he helped me, lots, he is the reason I managed to become a police officer.

I feel like being friends with him is less than enough payment for what he did for me."

He says :

"Then it does not have something to do with you having a troubled relationship with your father,

Does Mr Samuel represent an alternative father figure to you?

One that you actually hoped for ?"

She looks at him surprised by how directly he said that, then she sighs and says :

"What exactly does this have to do with my alleged suicidal thoughts? "

He looked stressed, he wanted to talk but she preceded him :

"I think I have the right to stop a session if I am not feeling comfortable continuing."

He says, kindly :

"At least let us try to reach a result, Officer Juliana?"

She says, angry :

"A result about what?

Respectfully, all you did today was gossip about my personal life in my face."

He says :

"I am just trying to do what is best for you,

, anger won't help,

In fact, it is another point I wanted to discuss with you, your anger,

You get angry very quickly ."

She looks surprised then she says laughing :

"I get angry quickly?!

If I do get angry quickly, Dr Fredric, then it would have already happened from the moment you started reading my own private conversations( which I said at times of vulnerability to a former close person) like you are reading a queue in a newspaper."

He says trying to remain calm:

"You may not notice it but people around you did comp..."

She cuts him off :

"People around me ?! Who exactly?

You? Because I am sure I never reacted angrily towards anyone here, except you."

He looks at her for a second, offended then he says :

"Not me. coworkers,

A fellow officer complained of unnecessary intensity and anger in your behaviour towards them."

She squinted her eyes :

"I never treated a co-worker this way."

Then she thinks and suddenly she looks like she figured it out,

She laughs :

"It is Charlotte Miller, isn't she ?"

And she doesn't need him to answer, it shows in his eyes that she laughs :

"She is the writer of today's play and you are the actor."

Then she sighs and takes her hat putting it on her head, saying as she looks down adjusted :

"How much did she pay you?

I would think of threatening but you look like someone who has nothing to lose Dr Frederick so I would say it is money that gets you going."

Fred says angrily:

"This is an outrageous thing to say, Officer Juliana, I can not believe you said such a thing."

She laughs now looking at him, her eyes sparkling with hate:

"Good thing that you are recording then so you can double check it."

Then she gets up and walks away closing the door behind her while he stays in his place, shocked at how things turned,

Till she suddenly comes back in, walks towards him then says :

"On second thought:

I think it is better if you don't."

Then she takes the recorder, opens it and takes out the tape of today's session while he gets up and says angrily:

"Officer Juliana, this is crossing the line and against the law! "

She laughs putting the tape in her pocket while walking to his office, taking out a new tape from the drawer then walking back to the table where she puts it in the recorder saying :

"Use that law to prove I took it, if you can,

As far as is known:

You forgot to turn the recorder on when we started the session."

He says pointing at her pocket :

"It is in your pocket ."

She says looking at him intensely:

"Try to take it and this time it won't be rumours of physical fights between us, it will be facts."

He stays still, she sighs walking away:

"Be thankful I didn't let my anger issues take over me and destroy the recorder itself ."

Then as she was about to open the door to leave, she stopped for a second then she walked back, took the recorder then threw it out of the window leaving him in shock,

While she smiles :

"Or don't."

She walks away as he shouts :

"The department head will know about this! "

She waves goodbye closing the door.

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