Chapter One: Leave the Pieces.. When You Go
It is time to take my turn.
This phrase, I whispered to myself, as my fingers hit end on my former life. The life of titles and privilege in my ivory tower. To describe how it felt in the moment to slam the door on all my hard work.
I would say that my fingers felt, like toes hanging off the edge of the waterfall.
This waterfall was only in my mind, but the intense feeling was the same. Moments before, I had to make the call of my life.
End stable income to my home and my family.
The cost was only my entire soul. The alternative route would be to say, no more. Raise my chin to the sky.
All I need is love and sunglasses because my future is bright. This moment in my life, there are battles far greater that I need to fight for than that job. At the end of the day, that is all that was.
A job. Not My Dream.
This decision was by far the hardest I had to make up until this point in my life. My head looking over at the water rushing over the cliff. Knowing that jumping off this ledge could kill me but staying were I stood was certain death. I was swimming in a rapid river, surrounded by sharks. In this water, I was bare naked and emotionally raw.
The sharks smelt blood in the water up ahead. They arrived and exploited my pure skin covering my heart. That day in my waking life, I hung up that phone with a person, whom I loved.
A maternal love.
In her arms, I felt safe. The safety was necessary for my survival in that river. My spirit is a wild animal, that cannot be tamed.
One cold day in December, her safety blanket could no longer cover me. My howl had got too loud, the sharks have found me. They had sniffed me out. In this moment, we cried. My fate was shown. All I wanted was my mom or a mom. Some sort of maternal guidance in this bed I made. That woman could have never been my mother. I had a mother. However, she was a million miles away. Fighting her own battle. Her battle was far greater than mine. She was battling against Cancer. Cancer does not care that her daughter is suffering. Suffering from what could be a major failure, in some eyes.
In my eyes of perception, I seen failure was a prison hold in my mind and heart. All I wanted was to lay my head on my mom’s lap and cry. Although my mother loves me, and wishes she could wipe this slate clean, she cannot. I must clean the spilled blood on this cold floor, where I stood.
My trusted friend at that job, whom I just told goodbye for the last time. Never wanted to hear the words, goodbye from me. This time she knew that I would never be coming back, like I have always done years prior. Year after year, I lined up like a whipping post for whatever my job duty was for that day. My back was bruised, and I could not take anymore. Then the wind filled my lungs, with God’s Grace on my shoulders. I closed my eyes. Threw my body off the cliff into clear abundant waters below. Where I go, is none of their concern. My talents will be spent elsewhere.
Then I stood up from the chair of despair I had been sitting. This chair was my cliff. Gathered my pride. Stopped my shaking hands from disbelief that I did what I did. Closing that chapter in my real-life book, because I did not want to experience it any longer.
My son in that moment, looked up and smiled. My health melted back into my physical body, knowing I had made the right decision.
“Don’t cry, Mommy. Its over.”- Danny (My only child)
Then I walked my heavy head to the bathroom. Wet a rag, washed the panic attack from my face. After quitting a job, I gave my entire soul too. That job had me sign in a book of a beast. With wishes and hopes of green grasses. Climbing the hills of that mountain had some of the worst treacherous terrain, my feet have felt. Searching for green fields. Hill after hill. River after river. The greener pasture never appeared. Just smoked filled colonies of chemicals and cheap thrills.
Getting high from the gases exhaled from praises being sung from the helicopter above. That helicopter overhead, was filled with clean smooth sharks. Sheltered from the heat of the war below. My hands were worn ragged, from the fight of my life.
These little hands I have, were split and bleeding. My face is sagging from crying in my car for years for people and places that never mattered. Their problems, I have carried for years, uphill. In that moment standing on the cliff when I jumped. I let all those problems, fly from my broken and bloody back. When I crawled with my weaken frame of a body to the bathroom mirror. When I stood in front of the mirror, where I used to be met with my smiling face. That smiling face was usually paired with my sunny disposition on life.
Now I seen eyes red for worrying about my mental and physical health. My insides were now cynical and bitter. My beaten heart was seen on my face for the world. I was dying of disease in my mind. Day by day my soul was fading.
My legs shake on the tightrope, I was walking. The tightrope is starting to feel like there is a weakness ahead. My iron gun is loaded and ready in my shaky hand. The river is flowing fast beneath my worn feet. Yet, I kept walking uphill on a tightrope. Then the sounds of a long black train, lingering in the hills in the lower part of this mountain. Worry waves in my mind like a dark spirit. Then the fires in the distance, cried out. Screaming like whistles in the wind.
“Keep Going”, was the message.
That ghost that wonders the woods I walk, continued to whisper into my fogging mind.
The next morning on day one of my new life. When I took a big deep breath of new life. I got dressed and made my plans. Each step in the plan, will need to be taken very carefully. This road is untraveled, and danger appears ahead. Now we move onward in faith. A spirit held my hand cosign me not to darkness.
The dark force had ahold of me.
Seeing the glory of climbing that mountain was still gripping my heart.
Thoughts of failing was sinking me into the ground. Each step forward, felt like I am stepping into wet mud, after a winter thaw. My biggest strength was now sinking me. Each choice was sealing my fate..
My mind was no longer in control..something had ahold of me.. or someone….
Unable to hold My Tongue.
Caused me to give back My Broken Crown.
When I got to the peak, I found that that mountain I had been climbing, was not what I thought.
It was a Volcano.
A big scary Volcano.
Not, the utopia, that was listed in the job description.
Beautiful greenbacks jump in the distance, showing glimpses in the dust clouds.
Close enough to imagine how you would spend the earned rewards. My dark journey in the wood’s uphill, was starting to open into beautiful fields of abundance.
I can smell the sweet fruits of a labored climb.
Smells like Apple Orchards,,
They promised me abundance. Like, Eve in the garden.
I knew this story, I seen the ending.
No, I will not speak of your sins. I will be safe at home and tucked in. Warm. Happy.
My heart was flawed, I knew My Weakness. My Addiction..
My Kryptonite
You cannot tempt me. Your values are all shot.
I am simply just standing up from that table.
God has a better table in mind.
With every power, comes with a cost. My dream of financial freedom was starting to pull out its hard branches from this magic forest. Nothing in this dream, that I was living was not what it seemed. The greenbacks turned into evil mushrooms in the dark grasses, surrounding my feet. If I do not run to safety, they will get ahold of me. Catch me if you can. The world at the top of this volcano, was reaching a pressure point. This mountain is rumbling. The rivers are rushing, and the dams are weakening. My senses, are pulling me to run, jump, or pray for safety. Sirens were ringing from the ground below.
Unfortunately, I have been climbing this far, I need to see the eye of this fire deep into the core. I am not a quitter, but if I do not leave now. It will cost me more than my scrapes on the knees. A cost so high, that I simply do not have the funds to pay. As I leaped pass the opening of the beast, I threw the slip. A slip, I signed when I ran my mouth, for that last time.
You can bare your beast of burden on someone else. My life has purpose.
At one time in my life, that was my entire purpose. All my joy I found in my title and my duties. However, God wanted me to move on. He gave me every clue to leave. I was not listening. I was unable to be moved, he had to move me. This I see clearly, now. With his grace protecting me. I will not pay your cost. My life is more valuable that any amount of money. Even if my value in your eyes, cannot be seen. The light inside of me, will be seen in due time. This smile will beam on you. My heat will rise from the ashes, where you left me.
My eyes connecting to my divine purpose, went up to the clouds. I began to scream from my lungs to the winds plying for guidance of what my next move should be. Prior to that call, I wondered if I should, keep playing with fire. My heart longs to feel the heat on my face, daring me to lean in. I knew what I needed to do. It was going to hurt, in a different way. The kind of heartache, that can shake the earth. Every fiber of my being begged me to stay on the edge. My toes tapping for the moment of greatness.
That life was not the greatest God had for me. In one swift movement, I turned my back on the fire. Took a deep swallow to hold my tears, as I felt the fire flooding behind me. Then I started tumbling back down the hill. Hearing my ghost screaming, “RUN!”
I let my body go limb and roll down that hill. With no worry, that I was going to get hurt. Letting the cold wilderness, use my body for its desire. Leaving not a trace, but warnings that linger in your mind. The spirts that have crossed me, will wonder if they should run too. Think of me as your ghost in your mind, Listen to my warnings. Worry not for me, I will be okay. Always here.
My hope is that my people will only speak of the good memories of me. Remember my warnings. You will have to save yourself. My morning yearning will be filled with love. Those spirts that crossed me in my escape from that nightmare, will always live in my heart and motivate me to carry on.
This is fall was the last fall from grace. I promise you that. My future has a divine purpose, that I will not give up on. Up until this moment in my life. I have been lying to everyone. My happiness was fake. My smile forced. However, my words of encouragement I used to help strengthen my fatigue heart. My love for you was not, an illusion or fake.
Every relationship both professional and personal is real and pure. This is something, I cannot change in a swift movement. My loyalty could never be bought, traded, or stolen. My conscious is clear and pure like my heart. I Am Free from the pain. Friends carry onward and upward. I hope you carry these words with you to help guide you on your journey in this life.
It took a lot of sacrifices to get to point in my journey.
That climb on that mountain, took pieces of My Soul, peeling off my skin like paint in an old house. Much like this old house on a hill, that I sit in to write down how I found myself, again.
After taking such a tumble. The volcano was the den of devilish sharks. That were shape shifted into my demons holding my keys to success I longed for. These sharks were greasing me up for years.
They fed their belly full of My Labors….
Despite the efforts of those sharks in that climb. They will go to be hungry tonight. They may have been trying to prep me for a feast, but I never showed up to dinner. Their bellies will have to stay empty. My server tipped me off that sharks were hungry. The eyes of someone I used to know starred at me.
My friend’s thoughts lingered in my mind and soul, with words of “you should properly leave”. Words that only lifted into my heart from the heart on the person other side of the device in my hand.
Friend, I will do just that. Just as you trained me to do.
Stand Up and Take my Bow.
“Don’t concern yourself with this mess you’ve left for me.
I can clean it up, you see just if you are gone.
There is nothing you can do or say.
You are going to break my heart anyway.
So just leave the pieces when you go. “
– The Wreckers
Song: Leave The Pieces
