November 12th

November 12,

Today I start writing this diary. Dr. Bellot told me it would be very good to clear my thoughts and ease my worries.

I think I really need that these days. I’ve wanted to do this for a long time, and although it’s quite late, today was an exhausting day, and I need to let it all out.

Regular day. A lot of work.

Boss was impossible, as always. I’m sick of it. But that’s nothing new.

I got home tired but happy to see Sofi. She is my driving force. She helps me endure all the crap.

Sometimes she scares me a little, but she’s the most important thing in my life.

When she was four, right after losing her mom, Sofía used to fall asleep on my chest while I sang to her. I could feel her warm breath against my neck, her little hand gripping my shirt. In those moments, she was my whole world.

But today was one of those days. Today she frightens me, and I don’t know what to do.

Am I a terrible father for being afraid of my own daughter?

I got home a little later than expected and found her in the garden. Always in the same spot, staring at the wall. I’m almost certain she was talking to someone. But she was alone.

God, I was so tired, but I’m sure I saw her there, and I could also hear her voice.

I didn’t mean to interrupt her.

I’m afraid that she really was talking to herself all that time. Or maybe it would scare me more to know she was talking to someone. Or something.

Well, I didn’t want to deal with that at the moment, so I went to grab a quick bite in the kitchen. And that’s when I saw her come inside. That was the strangest and most terrifying thing I’ve seen her do so far.

I am absolutely sure the garden door was locked and secured. I even checked it afterward, and the key was still in place.

How is it possible, then, that I saw her come through it?

Did she just come in through the door?

But that would be insane. I guess she came in and then locked it herself without me noticing.

I’m just so tired that it’s making me see things. So I went to take a nap; I couldn’t keep going like this.

But could I really fall asleep? Could I even rest a little with all those thoughts and visions spinning in my head?

Finally, I decided to go down and spend some time with her. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I did that. I wanted to see her as a normal child, as the sweet, beautiful little girl she is, to put my mind at ease.

But as soon as I approached the living room, I heard her talking to herself again. Or so I thought.

I’m certain I heard another voice talking back to her.

At first, I thought it was another child, but she had never mentioned a friend and had never invited one over. She struggles so much to make friends!

Then I thought someone had broken into the house.

I walked to the kitchen and heard a deep voice, like an older man, completely unfamiliar to me. It dragged its words, slow and heavy, and worst of all, it was talking to my daughter.

A terrible sense of dread washed over me, and I ran to protect my little girl from the intruder.

When I arrived, I didn’t see anyone there. I looked everywhere, and there was nothing.

But out of the corner of my eye, I caught a flash of movement, something small and slippery, sliding away into the darkness. It had no clear form, just a shadow that seemed to escape.

Small.

Way too small.

But the voice I’d heard was that of someone older, an adult, almost like an old man. I ran after the shadow and searched everywhere, but I found nothing.

I thought about asking her what had happened.

But what if she did answer? What if she gave me an explanation I wasn’t ready to hear?

I think I’m losing my mind; what did I just see?. What the hell was it?

I guess I’m just too tired and seeing things.

God, how I need a drink. But I can’t throw away eighteen months, and I don’t want to lose my daughter.

I don’t want to be afraid of her. She’s my daughter. But what kind of father am I if I can’t look her in the eyes without feeling something is wrong?

I won’t let them take her away from me. I don’t know what someone else would do with her. If she managed to scare me, I don’t think other people would have the patience for her.

I don’t want her to be locked up in a psychiatric ward.

Or maybe I’m the one who should be?

No, I don’t want to think like that. I’m just tired. I’ll go to sleep. Tomorrow everything will surely make more sense. I just need a little rest.

Her teacher asked me to come to her school tomorrow. She says there was an accident.

I hope she didn’t hurt anyone.

Again.