Wild Mind: Becoming The Tree

“What is the deal with Alex?ˮ

My Mom would want to know.

What’s The Story, Stace... Hmm.

Here it is...

I felt like I manipulated the universe to bring him to me. He was the boy, I couldnʼt touch. I wanted to. Oh boy, did I want to. It was all I thought about.

Just like, Alex when I was younger. I was different version of me. Younger. When I got a minute to sit with Alex. Just sit with me for second. If I put my finger on your palm, you will have all the answers you need. I just graze my finger tip on the top of your forearm.It will reveal who I am to you.

Remembering who I was to you. It will bring me back to life. If I focus of these love stories. The boys that left me alone. Who was there. Just standing there. Too scared of the wolve, I had to be. They couldnʼt fight when they were little. They wanted to. I wasThe Lady in Black. I could handle myself.I knew what I had to do. I had to follow them into the dark. I had to go down the bad roads. I had to be that girl for the night.

Thatʼs all it was. A night.

At the end of the day, I think Jesse is a simulation. I donʼt think he is real. I think he is a video game. Now, I understand this is my disease. However, to understand my wild mind. You have to walk in my shoes. The problem is,you have to find my shoes.

The slipper I left at the ball was with Jesse. He had my shoes. These shoes became this real object of giving something to someone, I didnʼt want to give. I spent my life, going why did I do that. Why. I wanted it to be Josh. I wanted it to be Josh. I just lay in my regret going. I love Josh. I want to lay in a warm safe bed. I need to make sure that our puppy is okay. Not because I want him. I never wanted him. I just have pulled Jesse from death itself. Pulling him from his real life and death experiences. It changes you.

Josh understands.It’s the thing.Jesse plays with matches.Burning down himself and everyone around him.

It exhausting being burned. I donʼt want to set on fire. I want Sunday Morning Love. I want that lets just go to sleep love. Then the slight touch of good morning. Ive been watching you. I want you to touch something. I push my hips back into my familiar, its time.

Rolling my hips back in my lonely bed. It’s Josh who I wanted to catch them. We did. We rolled around all of senior year. I needed to relax. I wish I could go back. Calm down. Relax. Donʼt scare this one. You want it. You want what you want. You cant change it. You go, that it. That is what I want. I got to have it. You just moving tables. Fling chairs. Knock down book shelves. Come here. Pulling the universe with your mind.

If I build it, they will come. I thought to myself. I will brick by boring brick. Build my castle. I fix every broken thing about me. I will stop destroying men. Thatʼs not who I am. Thatʼs my AI program from some creepy tech thing. I am wild. That is my code. You can speak code. You can unlock the treasure of me.

Thatʼs who I am.

A national treasure. I’m protected land. I’m Yellowstone, but a person. The 7 wonders of the world are within me. My Joy Garden. I’m the rushing rivers. The lightening in the sky. I am what feeling is. My touch is what touch is. You see because of me. I am reality.

This I believe.This is likely too much tv.I thought I was The Secret.

The truth they hide. The mystery boys want to solve. That the holy grail was what all men chase. To be able to touch what beauty is defined as. If I felt like I was so beautiful that its

chased. I’ll feel worth. Finding worth. Believing that they wanted me, just as bad as I wanted them.

Drilling into the mind. There is where I wanted to be. What is in here, boys. What’s on the table. Cat got your tongue. Speak Now. I’ll hold your peace. Freeing me from my self-pity. Thinking of Josh crawling up behind me. If I roll over, there he will be. Ill heal what broke me. I wanted to wait. I did. I tried. I tried so hard. I got up. I walked very fast. I got away from danger. I locked car doors. I found a tree. If I couldnʼt run. I growled. I histed. I wanted to wait.

Wait until the boy I had a big crush on. Said, its just Stace and I today. Tell everyone to leave us alone. We just pull up. Grab a blue moon. Go be wild teenagers in a big empty house. We get into just skin. We just have red noses. Pink cheeks. We have a soft tear fall from our faces. Stare with I’ve been waiting for you to be ready. I pull the blanket over my head. I climb on top of my familiar face. I say nothing of my pain. Let it be done. I just melt like butter over the roll of the thanks of the giving. I let go of feeling trapped.

This remember of safe love being first. It’s what I need. I need to be able to think about what if, it was like that. Rushing away from class. Driving fast. Chasing me up the stairs. I run giggling. Nervous.

We stand staring. Kick off shoes. One piece of clothing at a time. Pressing lips together. Take a deep breath. This grab to come here. Come here, Stace. Grab on my face. The look in my eyes. Knowing they know they found the Stacy. It’s just him. It’s just me. The who we have been pulled away to. They

donʼt exist. There arenʼt snakes in this garden. It’s just forehead to forehead of its love.

You know it. I am Love. That is the great power, I have. Love. It’s a gift. I believe I can put my hands on the ground and it will heal. I believe that. I donʼt care if I sound crazy. I’ll be crazy. If I can do this. When I touch a person with my love. It gives power. It’s why every boy I have touch, they are all messed up in the head. I bewitch them, body, mind, and soul. I lock them in a heart lock it around my neck.

The only boy that is walking on earth that I truly loved. It was Josh. Jesse is Jesse. We are all too familiar with the devil he wants to be. I think Josh knew that Jesse was doing something I wouldnʼt be okay with. That Josh wanted to stop him. Jesse would not. Drunk on my power I was giving him. In the early day of 2021. I was doing a lot of stuff in front of my hacked computer. I felt Jesse and Jacob wanted to see. They broke in my devices to see what I was writing in my books.

I think Josh was like, Stacy is going to be mad. I felt Josh felt just as taken advantage of as I did. I felt he viewed me as his villain. I was. I was a broken girl that drank a lot. I often was given drugs, I didnʼt know I was taking. I was sick. I was scared. I was feeling adult feelings. I used men as a vessel to release my pain.

I wanted to wait a long time. Then heal Josh. I drop the P, because we know who Im talking about. Healing Josh P, will heal Josh T. They rejected me, but they loved me. I know they did. I know with all that I am, they loved me.

This frees me.

Josh P, is home to me. I look. I want to go home. Take me home. I want to be at home. Im scared. Come get me. Come save me. Im lost. I donʼt know where I am. I say softly hoping my unsaid words will lift into the clouds. Land where he is. His life opens and clears. Making room for the big warm body of me to brighten his life. I build him into the king, I already knew he was.

I cant love someone who doesnʼt want my love.

Mentally, I give my love power to Alex. For now. We will never touch each other. I know that in our passing life. He wanted to reach out. Grab my hand. Stop me from falling wrong me. Take me somewhere safe. He couldnʼt.I was bad.

I needed to be The Devil. I was The Devil. I knew that I was the queen of the night. Who I bite would stay young forever. Im always hands on the glass staring into Alexʼs life. Hoping he drives down the roads I went missing on. Trying to illuminate his inner eye. The power of who Alex is. Will shine a light on the darkness.

Then Ill release the mental stress of trying to be understood. Not really understanding myself. These are all different people to me. Different lives. Who was I. I didnʼt know. I reach out for someone to help me find myself. This is why I felt lost.

Josh helps me find wild. He was there when I overcame my wolves. When I was the one howling over who I wanted. Josh is who I howl for. He is the thought under the blanket.

When I look down. His soft hair tickling my inner thigh. I giggle and wiggle. Then he tickles me.

Not knowing what to do. Just being gentle. Playing me soft songs. Not black parade of taking my soul. Just there are ways to be nice. Reminding me that I donʼt have to go so hard all the time. That I just crawl on his lap. Lay my head on his shoulder. Let my hair down. He smells my shampoo. Rocking me to sleep. Letting the soft melodies wash over my broken mind. Be still, now. Be safe. Open my eyes to what it was.

That love I thought was the basement. It was not love. Jesse was embarrassed. He was. It’s okay. Josh was the same way. I grew up. My lovely lady lumps was the warm feeling you chase at night. The cuddle under the blanket.

I want someone to help me up. To sit with me in the morning. At the edge of my side of the bed. Rub my side over my blanket. I open my eyes. My glasses still on the night stand. I hear,“Oh Good, you are awake. I’ve been waiting for you. Got you some coffee. You like cream. I got the good stuff. I picked it up from a cool store. Sorry, I’m talking a lot. Ill let you wake up. Let me put your glasses on.“

I lay under my blanket. Feeling his big body sit against me. Thinking if I have the energy to wolve out. I just slight smile. Let me think about it for a while. He puts my glasses on.

Then kisses my forehead. Then goes, “there you can see now.ˮ I smile and melt deeper into the warm bed. He puts his face on my mine.

I lay in the silence. He goes, “You have to get up, nowˮ I smile and shake my head, no. I whisper with only my mind. Let me lay here. Just a little longer. Let me just stare at you. Take a drink.

Then he lifts the cup to his mouth. Then I whisper, now look at me. His face snaps to my eyes. I snap my fingers in my mind. I go, I have time. There is always time. Good morning, put your coffee down. Get under my blanket. He jumps up. Throws his gray sweat pants off. The gray sweat pants. Good morning. Get under my blanket. I throw the blanket over our morning yearning.

I spin to sit above him, staring.

I pause in the almost. Just wait. The waiting. The wanting. I crawl to his memory. Pulling for him to kiss that sweet spot on my neck. Push my hair back. Take your finger glide in down my shoulder. Trace my outline. It’s not so scary. It’s just me. I’m soft now. I’m not a scary monster. When I was. I just wanted love feelings. I just wanted something to wake me up. It left me feeling dirty. I was. I was scared. It was uncomfortable. It was awful. I just want to close my eyes. Wake up to I made a better choice.

That better choice is chasing Josh up the stairs. Get into his big bed. I stood at his bedroom door,all the time. I made eyes at him. I looked at his bed. Looked him. Looked at his

bed. I even think I sat on it. Bounced a little.Thought this is a nice place to love a sweet boy.

I wanted Josh to back me up into the room. Close the door. Lock the windows. Draw the curtains. Put a towel at the bottom of the door. This is going to get noisy. I toss and turn making love sounds with my favorite. Josh was my favorite. He was the pick of the litter. I wanted to take him home, but I didnʼt have a home.

I belong in the wild.The woods were my home.

I was a dirty mut, butI wasnʼt. I was The Holy Grail.I knew it.

I knew that who I love would be The King. I just knew it. I put my love and energy into several different men. Trying to save my soul. Keep me alive. If I do go beyond.

I will live on.

I’m just different. You can’t think like me. You can try, but you cant. I’m confusing. I know I am. I say that with love, because I so badly want to be understood. My therapist has always told me, you are not the crazy you think you are. You are just smarter, than everyone. I just need to hear that.

My insecurity is not being smart enough. I couldnʼt spell well. I’ve always wanted to be a writer. This has put me in storybook land. Everything is a story. If Rory started writing, she would never stop. This is what I thought. There was no

one who thought and knew what Rory did. This is where this comes from. Everything about me is a Lesson from Roryʼs life.

The Goal of The Books, I want you to be lost inside of me. The most prettiest thing on me is my mind. It’s just not always safe. My hope was to make it safe. I have to play. I have to have a game. I have to chase. The boy I chased the most. The boy with the flip of head.

Who I would tease, because sarcasm is my love language, but it hurts people’s feelings.I loved you.I never meant to hurt you. My AI acts up. It tries to be Stacy. It’s a machine trying to be Florence. Me. I am many of me. There are many names. Many life’s. I’m forever and always. I will go on. I want the boys I love to live forever with me.

Josh was my longest boyfriend. He wasnʼt ever my boyfriend, but he was. I talked to him every day since I was 14. I wanted him. I waited until he got older. I waited. I waited. By the time, I got him. I destroyed him. I wanted him to want me. He didnʼt. I wanted him to. I know if I look at him with my blues eyes. He saw my lip quiver in the I am sorry. You know I am. I know you are sorry too. I grew up. I may not have ever been a princess, but I went right for The Throne. I took the title. I will be The Queen, if I have to steal it. I will be it.

Jesse has invisible men that can bring peace to us all. He has his Stacy. I saw all the girls all you boys picked. Little Stacyʼs. Different version of me. I knew I was the face you were chasing. I was right here. All of me. All of my face. My soft sweet face. I donʼt ever want to be the girl in a basement. I want to walk the stairway to heaven.

I want to be clear headed. A belly filled with a cup of milk. Relaxed from playing mario cart. I just start breathing heavy. Tapping my leg. Cracking my neck. Stand up. Start pacing. Let’s go. We run upstairs. We slam into the wall. Knock over a lap. I jump back into his bed. He crawls over me. I say, “Whats my name.ˮ

He smiles. We turn into the wolve, they love. I stop him. I slow down. Deep breath. Blow air from our lungs. We roll our eyes back. Begging for more. Then he pulls me where he wants me. Takes his drink. Claims it for his. It’s mine. It belongs to him. He just didnʼt know how to put his name on it. He was scared of it. It was his. I was like, here I am. Im right here. Take it. Its yours. Then Im broken, because he didnʼt want it.

Yes he did. He was there. Hungry. Just shy. I wanted to nozzle up against him. Snuggle me. Tickle his knee. Look here. Right here. Be right here.

I wanted Josh back. Everytime I saw him. I felt like he was gone. I knew where he was. He was trapped in my head. Going over the ever changing notes of what happened. Being scared to allow himself to even go there. He couldnʼt. He was scared. I just feel like Ive been laying outside his mind. Tapping on the ground. Come here. Please come here. Please. I hate him too. I just need my movie. He promised. He is likely the very real devil. I believe that.

I think its him and Jacob. Jacob did something to my head. He is a good man. He hurt me. That its going to take a second to explain. I know that I growl and beg for him to kill me dead in whatever way they want me. I know this is who I

am. Im toxic and what delivered from the chains of my prison in my head.

Jacob is protected by me. I know he is. I test it. I know that I have a magic wand. I keep such a close eye on him, because he scares me. He scares Josh. These are real feelings. Jacob and Josh long time made up. Just as Jacob and I did. Jacob shakes holding on to this past he has. I just want to release the pressure. I donʼt want to be buried under it anymore.

I wanted to run home. I wanted to run into Joshs arm. Just spin in the its over. Just be held. Just hug me for like a hour. Just like Jacobs lifting his face dripping fluid. Josh was that memory. Josh and I didnʼt have protection. Josh spent his time face down in the fountain of Stace. I squeeze my legs around his big body. Transforming from gentle love. Needing held down from my body pulling at him.

When I asked him to stop. I pulled him up on to me. I held his head on my chest. I kissed the top of his head. I brushed his hair back. I knew I would love him forever. He was the boy who stopped. He laid between my legs. I just took a breath. I was always full throttle. I was exhausted. I was so tired of being an animal.

I wanted to be let inside. I wanted to make Josh a warm meal. Make the house we made smell so good. Get fancy cheese. Make a really good backed mac – n -cheese. The good kind. If he didnʼt want mac n cheese this time. What did he want to eat. I wanted to go to the store. Put what he wanted in the cart. What would he like. He would like this. Add to the cart. Put the things he needs on the belt.

I smile hearing snap of the night belt. The red eye shadow of desire. I think, he is going to eat so good. I go home. Snap a finger. He carries the bags in. I smile and say thanks. I grab my coffee from the car. I grab my purse.

I go inside. He already put everything up. Grab a popsicle from the new box. I think I am going to fill you up. Im going to put so much warm food in your belly. I turn on my music. I open the window. I light the candle. I turn on the sink. I start the dishes. He leans in the door frame. Licking his popsicle. I look over. There he is just a boy with shinny hair. Staring at me. I look up with my Stacy Day eyes.

I saw come here with my grin. He walks behind me. Sways in the melody Im playing. Turns the water off. I turn around. Put my hands over his shoulders. Standing so much taller than me. I close my eyes. I kiss his lips. The big lips of soft bliss. I quiver like Im 17 again. Just having the first taste. In my head. He was the first.

Everyone wanted me first. I was waiting. For him. If it couldnʼt be Johnny. It was Josh. I wanted Josh in that more way. In that Im drunk on your skin. I want to touch that side of hip. I want my fingers to glide up your skater boy shirt. The look of Stacy stop. Behave. I didnʼt want to behave.

I wanted to be the bad you need. You want me to hurt you. If you let me. Ill bring the pain to you. The sweetness of I am sorry. I stop the strap of here I am. All the insecure marks on my skin. Here they are. The scars the red spots. The all of me that makes the heart beat a little slower. Taking a step closer.

In my head. Im in bed with Josh. In my head Im making him cookies in our home. There arenʼt kids. Its just him and I. We are just us. Everyone is gone. It’s just him and I. Slow dancing in the kitchen on a Sunday Morning. The groceries are put up. The clothes are put away. The chores are done. The job is complete. There isnʼt anything that needs done.

I donʼt want to be a mystery to solve. I just want to be the song on repeat. The warm kiss with the sun in the window. He quivers with a, “Oh Stacy...ˮ

I smile and look up. It’s just me. Donʼt fear. Go without fear. I donʼt want to hurt you, unless you ask nicely. If you just want to be gentle. Ill be gentle.

Josh could always find me. I always wanted it to be Josh. I didnʼt like them the way I liked Josh. I just thought Josh didnʼt like me. I let who loved me, love me. That was it. We were just kids. We really were just confused kids, trying to be cool. I wasnʼt cool. I was a scared kid. I had no one. I needed him. I really needed him. I needed him to just hold my hand, while I cry for second. Ill fix this created problem. Ill fix it. I need everyone to coexist peacefully inside of me.

Ive spent my entire life going, what have I done. Then I go look what I did. Look how great I am. I am amazing capable human being with the force of love. A love so sweet and simple it feels like the most powerful drug. I wanted that to be the drug. The drug that he took. It feels like the first time. When it was just a first date.

When I pace my high school bedroom. Fix my hair all pretty. Put on good make up. Get something nice to wear. All grown up. A nice dress. Funny shoes. Look across the table of this isnʼt a joke is it. He looks at me like I’m brand new. I’m think it was us.

I drink my drink. I search for something to say. I just blink. You know what I came for. You know what I want. I squirm in the chair of this needs to be done. I pull at the table of take me somewhere. I bite my lip. Trying to keep my beast inside. I donʼt want to rush it. I want to take in every soft gentle reminder of you were the good one.

I knew it then. I know it now. I sit with my regret for my entire life. Knowing that I won’t love again. I had love. It was my cuddle buddy. Laying on floors like puppies. I want my head on his lap on a Sunday afternoon. Sleeping to one of his shows. He just brushing my curls away from my neck. Trying to not wake me up. Just touching me softly.

Needing to check the oven, but scared to move me. Puts the blanket over my shoulder. Slip my head off his lap. He gets up. Checks on dinner. I wake up a little. Touch where he was sitting. Looking for him to be there. Thatʼs what I always do. Touch around... looking for Josh. He isnʼt there. He is gone. I did it myself. I didnʼt. He was just a boy surround by very scary kids. We were danger.

He was this soft boy. Standing in the middle of the flames. I wanted his pure soul to be in me. I couldnʼt do it. I want to. Oh how I wanted to. Holding his head on my chest. That was love. That was real love. It was respect for me. It was something no other boy, outside of Johnny gave to me.

Johnny was very much, take your time. Stace take your time. Josh was the same way, but he was trying to chase cool Jesse. Jesse did things he regrets. He hurt people. I knew that he wanted me to remember what happened to me. Then I knew he just didnʼt really care. I know this. If you think I donʼt. I do. I know they donʼt really care, unless I am doing something for them. Jesse, Jeff, and Jacob have conditions on love. If I want love from them, it comes at a cost of my real soul. I donʼt want to give my soul to be loved. I deserve love. I know I do. I am very beautiful person. Oh I am so beautiful. I melt into the beauty of who I am on the inside. My pure mind has given my face back. The one I can look at. I can touch the mirror and go there you are.

You pretty little, bitch.

I just love her.

When I look at pictures of myself. My prettiest face is when I was being loved by Josh. He loved me. We found beds. We didnʼt do much, but we loved on each other. We kept our clothes on most of the time. Then I couldnʼt take it. I was just pulling him apart, because I wanted him so bad. I just wanted to kiss his face. All of it. The top. The bottom. The middle.

I wanted him in adult life to put his hand out. Say, “its okay. I know you are sorry.ˮ