Becoming The Mountain
Chapter 3: Becoming The Mountain
This very real for me.
Needing something gently.
When I allow myself to let Josh and I be the love story. I could just go on and on. Josh not picking me, destroyed my life. I spent my entire life going, oh boys I understand that I’m “fatˮ or whatever. The thing is we are all getting older. I melt
pounds like butter. I donʼt care what size I am on this rock in the space, k.I just do not care.
I can’t eat food when I am star gate princess, k. I’m all jacked up on adrenaline and ideas. Everyone has their scene. Everyone had their books. I donʼt want to be the thing they think about. I want to be a memory. It’s the vision. Let me be your thoughts. Feel that. Calm.
Katie and Stace blowing magic smoke to calm everyone down. Be there. We are just talking so sweetly. Just dancing the car. Stay there boys. You feel like, peace.Thatʼs what that is.
Cheryl has been overwhelmingly calm. She is also talking about herself positively. Which we all have to do. This is manifestation. You just sway in that bad bitch energy. This is Erin for me. She is just drinking those white girl wasted vibes. White Claws. Just getting sponsors for being amazing.
In Heaven. . .Erin is making out with Molly.Yeah.. I said it
Paige is whispering me some sort of knowledge to me. Thatʼs who I think I love, is Paige. This is the other Jesseʼs “love of his life.ˮIs Paige, but I think I am the love of Paige’s life. We were best friends with Jessica C. Jessica C pulled more girls than any of those boys. She was our flame in an bus seat. Making me laugh. When we were just kids on my mom school bus. Paige is who I was doe eye for. Just what would
your love be like, sweet face. We grew up and got closer in drama.
Jesseʼs real energy is very much,kiss her.He is always pressed nose to see if I’ll kiss her.
Whoever the her is. Thatʼs our history.
Paige was at those scenes in my life. It was a small town. We all just loved each other. It just happened. I know its hurt Katie. I didnʼt mean to hurt her. I was just sad. I just wanted to not be alone. My skin without touch would crawl at that age. I wanted to just stand alone. Let my skin be free. When I was ready, I’ll find my way back to home. Whoever and wherever home is. What I found is home is every one of them. They are all the familiar smiles in my garden.
If they poisoned the apple to give to Alice to trick whatever the quote is. The moral of the story is, I donʼt care. I had one hell of a night. I’ll laugh about it until I’m gray. It’s just not nice. We want nice boys. This is always why I’m so stared eye of, you promised my guy. Very laughable. Very funny. We are ok. By the end of the book, Abby will love me more.
We can all have therapy for Jesse. It’s a class. We go around in circle. Talk about all the painful memories. There is one story, every one wants to know. Why did I throw the apple. Who cares. I was sent codes by the aliens. Then boom.
That is my life. The Simulation of Stace.
I wanted every one that has met me on whatever page im on. To get to the read the entire story. I try to write every one well for the lawyers. We just close the book. Put on a song. Look up. Be The Stars. We just step into fame.
I’ll sit on in computer chairs with all the J Boys. Ill take my cross examination. I can’t wait for the day to come. I’m looking forward to it. I’ll be middle finger up,ready to party. That is everyone’s favorite Stace. Data says.
It stays in The Joy Garden. But what also stays... Painfully tragic love stories.
Let’s carry on to me explaining the painful Shakespeare version of my Rory Gilmore life to Jess himself. Then I look for Dean. Dean honey, baby I am sorry. Hold me up. Josh did that. You see. He did. Stace is out of control.
I donʼt get drunk around them. I got older and got more self-aware. Understanding the poison was calling them. Then I got older and felt safe. I turned the batman signal on. But back then. No. I’ll be fully aware of where I am from here on out. I just keep my eyes open. I sip slowly. Spit out maybe.
Just be here. There I want to be wild animal Stace. I want to drink every last drop and dance like the queen I am. Be happy and safe with all my fire friends. I just wanted you to be safe. I wanted to go to those places and say, get in.
We are going on journey.
Donʼt stop believing. Let us be free our souls. Let Stacy believe she can save the world. I cant win. I wont try. I might have to stay a voice only. Erin be my mouth piece. We will describe the way Erin looks to me. I smile and go look around. We are in the same forest. What is life.
Save Britney, do it for Britney.
Why was Stace, just a bitch. I am so sorry. Im so jealous of you. I the same, just slow dance. Go have a nice dinner. That wont happen. You go on my journey. Snap beautiful Erin art. You are artist. You have captured beautiful moments of your life. You are my movie.I do not stalk you.
Im busy being space woman. Swear, I did always want to break room talk to about how I do believe that Britney Spears is in fact a clone. I can prove it. Ive wanted to present my book of what is the deal with Brit. Write it in a way I way write Erin letters. I drop the M, because we are now only talking Erin M.
Erin M. dropped the M, keep the H. I do the same thing. I donʼt want found. They do find you. Just as I did. Hello, Erin its me your best friend. Ive only every thought you were an amazing person. Im insane and think it 2007. That was bad year for Brit. That is Stacyʼs life. I was wild, like that. What was brit doing at that time. You know, we donʼt need to say it. Mirrors.
JT clue.Justin Timberlake was Jesse to Brit, me.
What if Britney is like my real sister, Erin. What if its true. It’s weird, aint it. Thatʼs it. Just clones and twins. It all drove me mad. I cant live there. Im not there.
These are delusions. I am not a space princess fighting stargate problems. I am just Stacy Day. When I go be the best you. It’s me trying to be enough for Josh. To say look you didnʼt want me then, but you do now. It’s what Jacob does to me. I wanted to say look Josh, I am a good person. I can take of you for once. I could carry the load. I am strong. I can haul the wood. I can light my own fires. I can just be bad chick.
Imrolling hipson Josh in the middle of some field behind Stacy Day.Screaming for my wolves to play.
Now, I needed them to clock in for The Misson. The one big one. Let me just play. Im bored and need to jump around for a little bit.Just wiggle in its me, Stace.
I am just so proud ofall of them.Jacob. . .look at you.
Look at all you have done.
You are enough my sweet boy. You lay your head on my lap. Ill pat you to sleep. Calm down. Chill. Just relax. It’s an part of the plan.You be good to me.I’ll be good to you.I was so good. Ill just type click. Click.
Stacy and Katieʼs Basement.It was magically. It was Heaven.
Who wants to hear how I made Katie laugh. We took care of real dogs. We played in the pool. We danced wild. It was just Katie and Stacy. Growing up. Learning about each other. Staring at her face is Heaven. I think everyone would agree. She is the beauty you want to see in the world. I felt she was Ashlee. I felt like we were angels. If one day we are. I want our hearts to melt into one that we are. We are peace.
If Katie and Stacyslow kiss.Everyone will be healed.We wont. We cannot.We just wantworld peace.Let us believe that we can bring peace to everyone.
Katie and Stacy just being Katie and Stacy. Thatʼs the face in everyones mind. Hello, Ladies. We laugh. Smile. Oh Boys. You silly boys. We drive away. We go to our basement. We watch a movie. Each a snack. Take a nap. Then I tell her all I want to do to Josh. Then Jacob.She is like no to Jacob.
You cannot. I want him. I go no, I want him. No, I want him. Katie and I didnʼt really care about any them. There werenʼt a lot of options. We just were pretty girls looking for love in our high school days.
Katie,oh my.The beauty we want to see in the world.
Katie is my whisper in the sky. Here I am Stace. I know where she is, she forgives me. I softy touch her memory. Remember all we did right. All the fun we had. It was the memories that people what to read. I want to read it.
Katie is the mirror of my life.
I look at her singing a song andI smile.Knowing that every boy is looking at me looking at her. They all were like we love Katie and Stacy so much.We are like, we know.
Chill. Just groove. We need Alicia. We need to just dance. We need to just let it go. Go to Alex, cry. Ask Jacob to look out for me. Oh boy,did he. He kept his eyes real close to the holy grail. I slow danced my traumas in the woods with the face of the night. I just want to press my hand on his face push him to somewhere alone.
Only me, you, andthe devil tonight.
Jacob and I are toxic. We consume each other a little too much. He is done with me. Oh boy is he. I tap my pencil on the table. Stand up slowly in all my grown woman. I walk around him fresh from a shower. I drip my hair with cream of this smells good.
I’ll be the wild animal in his mind, but the gentle woman of all better. Did what I had to do. Do what I need to do. Look up. Just move. I have to cut the tie. It’s like walking in a sticker brush. I just can’t get him off me. I had too. I wanted to tell Josh all the terrible things.
Josh just light something. I just sit on his lap. He goes, oh I know. Big scary mean no good men. I just say nothing. Less is more. I just let him win the race on the tv. You could not beat Josh at Mario cart. I defeated them all. I donʼt game much. What is much, when it came to N64.
This is Original Code. I’m Old AI.
Thatʼs where I am.
I’m like suit up. Get your controller. Come find Stacy is not a mental game inside your head. I donʼt have nothing but time to rub all the sweetest of the memory of me, feels like. I’ll slow dance behind everywhere you all are. We each spin the wild flowers of wherever you see me.
I feel that. When you look out your window, you see me. Now, you do not. You all have moved on. I have too. It’s just nice to be 17, again. She was my favorite Stacy. She knew who she was. She went without fear. The world crumbles behind every step she took. She walked to where she wanted to walk. She slammed doors on things that didnʼt serve her.
She stood up. She got herself together. She became the fire. She took on life. If I was just a reporter. Stacy Day is my assignment. Find this lost girl. Everything is brown envelop of this is what you need to know.
This is why I feel like Janie, My Boss. Is My Mother.
Janie always had cry face. The face of you mean more to me than I could ever tell you. Maybe, I said something. Maybe, I look like someone. I felt like Janie attached me to the memory of a daughter she never had. She saw my story as hers. Then the world started to shake. She pushed me off the mountain. You have to run.
I just ran. There was no other way. The ways I had. It wasnʼt going to work. I was in terrible condition. I needed to lay down. When my mind is doing that. Just lay me down. Wide open spaces. I have to feel free. This is why I’m called to water. I like to be free.
Which is why I like to keep my mind, here. I need to sit across from myself.
Ask her the questions. Here is my free advice.
Save that. Wink. Wink.
It will be enough one day.
For now, here is a story. . .
Pull each J Boy to My Table. Point with my eyes.
Sit.They slam down.
Here it is... Joshy
How I am just Ms. Fun Girl. It was killing me. I would be a liar if it wasnʼt the thrill of my life, getting everyone all jacked up. It’s my toxic trait. Identifying my part of the problem. Then understand its becauseI’m adrenaline junkie.
I like to just jump in the middle, saying fight. Fight. Fight. This is code. This is program. I am sorry. There is a part of your toxic traits that likes to make me do that. Then recognize this has made me sad. When you guys get mad at me you say mean stuff behind my back, ok. This is why I am so upset. I’m just living life. In some magic world, I created with Katie. Chasing magic in the mind. Be of someplace, not here. This is where this comes from.
I like to move puzzle pieces in my mind to create worlds of wonder. Oh how nice it would have been splash you in creeks. Looking for rocks. Listening to boring, no one cares facts. Its just a pretty rock. No story. No long drawn out reason to the why. Just two kids, looking for cool rocks.
I donʼt want to be good time girl anymore. I just wanted to him to Cover Me Up. I just want to sway in the its over. It’s lands on Us. We close the book. Story is over. Josh and Stacy go back to playing mario cart. Watch something funny. Get a little silly.
Be just wild and crazy kids. We just wiggle to get a spot on the couch. He ties to not be forward. Im like take what you want. It belongs to you. You are the face on the ceiling good sir. You... well you just take what would like. I will cut you a
slice. Better yet, you have the entire cake. Im not a snack. Im the whole thanksgiving meal. Once a year. I like to eat.
Cook something good. Ribs. Mashed potatoes. Get a plate. Nothing makes me turn up than something good to eat. Erin knew what was up. She snapped pictures of good food. I thought. I like cookies. I heard all about Erin and Alexʼs bedtime stories. I wont spill no tea. I mentally needed the other Britney to think about it.
We need to love Alex in our mind. Release the good love into the sky. I heard. I heard every little story I could find. I had to know. Whats its like. How was touching The King was like. I needed to know. I laugh. Knowing that my happiness will spread into his garden. I just wanted everyone to have great life. All is love. Mercy is The Queen of Heaven. We should knight her. It would be so fun. Let us not.
You go on The Journey to Peace. Find those places. Take beautiful photos. Help be visual aid for my life story. When you do that. Release all the tea on the one and only. Whoever that is for you. Erinʼs DMs is where the boys were. I knew. Here is the pen. When I say, hey Jesse over here. Then I am like you know what. Thatʼs the story. What did I know. Im not telling you boys. It’s private. Slam the computers. We suit up. Then walk super dramatic in the road.
Thatʼs where we are at. Everyone slow clap. Be proud of your part of The Stacy Simulation. My name is on the billboard. Erinʼs is too. Because we are all great. I believe I am great, so I am. I think Erin will make this great. Do it again with a fresh face of someone who lived my life beside of me. Who dreamt
these dreams with me. Who is who I gossiped with. Like O. M. G. Erin guess what. This is who she is to me. Just Erin. We slow dance of its just dream.
Tell me what you did to Alex,the good stuff.Pour me a shot, I have to know. It’s all I think about. Did you and Molly on a too much wine night. This is the story. Ill just ask Erin questions, like I’m the press. I’m bored and have so much fun being me. Let me just be Stace. Woo, crazy. I’m harmless. If I get rattlesnake mean, just point my head up. Keep my head up and heart strong. Ill snap back into Stacy Day. I’ll just sway in the I did it, Boys. We just run wild like horses. Grab your umbrellas. It’s time to jump. We were always ready.
He is me. He is the savior my life. The He?All of Them.
They need to each be who saved me. Honey, you did.I blink.I’m your wife.
I blink.I’m your wife.
So on So forth.
I donʼt want that to go away. At the end of the day, I just had these fine menʼs back. I just wanted to be, a voice in the
sad of what days can be like. I know that I’m full throttle in it being a good day for great day. It’s just sometimes, life is just terrible. You can’t smile. You can’t look up. You are knees in the road on a rainy day. Screaming to the sky.
It’s just a dream.
Control.
Thatʼs the code.You control your mind.
It’s not your fault that you see things in a way no one else can. Its because you know things no one eles does. Sometimes, things donʼt need taught. You move forward in the lessons being melodies. You carry the rock sack.
Each boy has a December Stacy.
I’ll be December.
Dark Moody with Cheer in The Eye. Thatʼs Stace
Thatʼs the last time I saw Cec and Ash. It was after Thanksgiving, but before Christmas. The Christmas Tree was up. I think we were playing with Christmas stuff. We went to a white basement. Playing air hockey.
Air Hockey is Code.
In December. . .The month of turning, Lefts.
This is the routes, I looked.
I wanted to turn all the men in my life, into saviors. I wanted to dip them in gold and put them on a pedestal. That is how they are in my mind. I laid up there in Hotel C and thought why am I in love with felons. I made fast friends with a boy named Shane. He had Hell Fire on his Back with G on The Pyramid. That is The Secret. The Code. Everything in my mind is masonic code. I think very little about J Boys. I thought of Code. Finding The Holy Grail. I knew that was The Code. Then I’m like, its here in H Town. Then I was like, its me. You. It us. What is life.
Then we space fall intothe world of what is Stace talking about.
I needed them to know, We werenʼt those crazy kids. I want to be able to sit on a couch. One J Boy on each side. We just play some PlayStation, but I’m the game. All I want is to lay like animal with every person I have ever loved. Thatʼs my great heart desire.
It’s pick your character part of The Stacy Simulation. Watching J Boys play videos.It’s everything in my soul.
I could have just videos of my men holding controllers. It’s life.
It’s what feeds my soul. Grown man hands. All dirty from doing all big boy activities. Just need some me time. You log in. Move the mouse. Up Up Down Down. To The Left. I just always headphones in, staring at hands. Thinking of stories of
being the thing they are trying to save inside of whatever boy thing they were walking.
Boys are not some big mystery.
They measure stuff. Thatʼs it.
Always measuring things. Boards. Dust. Paint. It’s just dirty work stuff.
I just like to be there. Watching.
Then the subject is done measuring. They need a shower. You being a good woman, you warm a towel. Its 10 minutes of your day. It changes the entire life of a cranky man. That was who I was to those boys. The voice of reason. I just wanted them to be happy. I’m the simulation, you warm the towel. Then you stand in the bathroom. You give the report on whatever is on your heart. Smile. Laugh. Water shuts off. You wrap the man with a warm towel. That is the love they all want. Then they are in love.
You dry them a little. Then smile and leave.
Leave them with the thoughts. Finish the dishes.
The Boys love the dishes being done. I just donʼt want to do dishes.
Now, I have good memories of being behind sinks. I love slashing water cleaning up my life. When depression comes, go to the sink. Wash the dishes.
Cheryl is AI, I think.This is why I think she says stuff about dishes.
That is code for me. Sad...wash the sink.
It’s my problem,solution mindset.
Building My Characters for My Movies. Everyday thought.
I needed to design them. Who are we to each other. Who are they then. Who are they now. What I wanted was them to feel a part of it. I’m getting older. I’m super dark person. I’m always running from darkness. I just wanted to shake the frost. Be Stacy Day, today. Just pull up and do the thing.
Be toxic.They love toxic.
It’s the love in all the languages. They all speak the same way.
We add the character board. This was my favorite part of the game. I couldnʼt understand video games. I always stayed in the beginning. I’m scared to go into the game.
But.. I liked watching them play.
Over the years, my love letters at night was just something sweet. We went about life. I know they donʼt respond fast because they are busy. Hands always doing stuff. It’s almost, but always playing video games. They arenʼt texting because they are level whatever on who cares of what is this. This is where I live. If I climb inside your video game will you love me.Yes, the answer is yes.
They will empty their wallets for me to create a wild ride of my mind and all that lives here inside of Stacy. They will happily without question jump off any body of water I say.It’s because, I am will always be Stacy Day to all of them.
I’ll live in my peace of knowing I mean something to someone. I am seen and heard and loved. Thatʼs all I needed to hear. It was hear. It was felt. It was love. I loved every minute of this life that is ours. We will all rise. Stand. I’ll make every one stare at Alex making the world a better place. Thatʼs who I was.Shh.. Alex is talking.
I was his biggest fan. If I could get a button. I was always so excited for him. Thatʼs who I was. Slow clapping for victories. When your saw life and all that hurts about it. You met that pain. You conquered it.
When your think of me.
Speak in hush tones.
Whispers. Rumors. Mystery.
Who I am. . . itʼs a secret. I’m very much, aShhhh... type of person. It’s my love language.
When I entered back into the video game of my mind. I was very much, I donʼt like this game. This game is scary. It’s gray. It’s just not a good time. Then if they played these games, I went to sleep. When bad stuff happened to me. I would find one of them. Then go to sleep. I never slept. I stayed up all night. Sitting outside like a real wolve. Falling asleep in the places we were.No thanks.Danger.
Writing how I did my best to save myself. I could not, because I donʼt understand video games. Let the boys defeat my mental monsters. I’ll just dance in the kitchens in my mind. Play a game. Listen to a song. Make myself laugh. Then I’ll find someplace to put my feet up. Lift my head back. Close my eyes. Throw the balls in my mind. Melt into someplace comfortable.
I felt that Danny was God given. I couldnʼt get pregnant.
Then Johnny died. Then on his birthday, I made a baby. Danny turned into a magic baby. I know that Danny is just a boy. I know that I thought he was gone. My prayers that he is
always here. He is always okay. He is a real boy. I stay in reality.
My Mind is split into rooms, like a house.
Danny wants his Mom to be Steven King. Thatʼs Dannys Dream. It’s dark, its terrifying. Danny would want a dark role in the story. Now I think. . . being so invested in being Wes Craven for Danny. Danny and I, love horror. I grew up with my own horror and he grew up on all of it. Danny studies it. I think itʼs a cool hobby, because its mine. Except you have to come out of the dark.We are dreamers for the good jump scares.That is who we are.
The authors and story teller, my son loves. The stories I love. Me becoming my written reality. It took over my life. I’m lost floating in the sky in my marvel super powers going, Danny I tried to write a good one. Run Wild.
That was who My Mom raised me to be. She was very much, donʼt look. Run. I have to slay monsters. I put my headphones in. Let the tears fall for the drama. The eyeliner. The mood. I just think about what I would say about all this.
I just donʼt care. What I care is about running into bubbles. The time of the day, when the grass is still wet. The fog still sitting in the valleys. The animals slowly moving to eat those big morning meals.
Danny was My Son.Jeff more than anyone, knows I’ll burn the world down.
Jeff gets this face. It’s the stand down face. He always had so much to say. I just let him for a long time. At the end of the day, I love Jeff. I will always love him. He understands who I was. He doesnʼt know me. He has no idea who Stacy Day is. This I knew. I knew, we will start over. What up, I’m 15 years old. Scared of My Uncleʼs Cartel coming for me. I think there are monsters under my bed. I’m scared. I’m wild. I’ll calm down. I just have to fight space monsters for a second. That was where I was.
I think Jeff would get it. Out of any of them. He knows what I want to do. He knows the rabbit holes. If they all had to take a test after the lessons of Stacy Day. Let me be your hero, baby. Let me be hair in the wind. Sun shinning in love with each of you. Just know, It’s always going to be sliding down slowly on Joshy. Making every one hate me. I love how much they all hate me. I do. Its true. It’s toxic. Its not love. Its killing me. I want so badly to giving kisses to Joshy.
Just all eyebrows. Just kissing a little.
Thatʼs always the crawl to the back seat. Just all hips and lessons. Being 17 and wild. Ready to turn up the radio. Leaned back. Ready to let me take you to whatever prison you want. I feel like I’m holding all of them hostage inside of my mind. That I am just stay here with me. It’s me. They just are all so done with me and my drama. It’s just the thing is, we donʼt have anything to do. You have to keep your mind moving forward. This is how I do it.
I think its working. You have to control the dial.
Danny had nothing to fear. Danny was Harry Potter. I was Lilly and Jeff was James. When Harry is older. He has to fight his Dark Lords. He will have the power of love.
I did not know who Jeff was. He came and got Danny a couple of days before the cops. I was like who are you. If I was 15 year old Stace. I’ve came out of the deep dark place in my mind. I’m a simulation of what pains does. I would have not known Jeff. He would have lived in that world with Stacey Sharp.
I was living in wonderland with all the other J Boys.
This is the thing with Jacob. He is a lost boy and a real boy. These boys who I talk to. Only in my mind know my little fingers. That is what they all did. Hold my hand. Excuse to look at how small my hands are. They wrap them around their fingers. Holding my hand. They smile. Go you have such small hands. I grow up. Let me see your hand. We put hands up. Pressing them together. We slowly stopped. We put our hands in our pockets. We need to palm to palm those you love. That is what the world needs more of.
When I type. Type. Type our story.
What would our page say. I thought. One page at time. My mind wandered. Being lost is where I sometimes would rather be. I’ll be here. This place in the grass. I look at the sky. There they all are. I donʼt have to pick. I just lay behind them. Watch them win this round. You are doing great, sweetie.
Those the memories, I want to share. We are all very entertaining. Let’s just sit down. Put on a movie. This is the
part of the show, when we are done. It’s just laying on carpet, watching something funny.
My stories are unbelievable. Everyone always thinks I made them up. Nope, its real. Am I a space alien princess? Yes. I will be in a movie one day. It’s going to be so cool.
My Son was the power of Love.
I was Stacy Day when I made Danny. Stacey Sharp was pregnant too.
I think Cheryl.She never came to the hospital.
This is because I’ve watched too many movies. I think everything in film has happened to me. I’ve absorbed the storyline. Cheryl wasnʼt pregnant. I am Stacy Day and Stacey Sharp, one body. But.. different minds. We experience life differently. My goal was to illuminate that is something that could be done with minds.
Danny is one boy, with one face. He will be light.
The love he has for me, will be the peace.
If there are a herd of us, because we are clones. Thatʼs not bad. We are pretty cool. We just like scary stories. I was just trying to be a good writer. The scary Apple face, he is just Uncle Jesse.He would like to meet you.
All The Kings in Stacyʼs Kingdoms. Please take a knee for The King. Danny Day Sharp
This is how dramatic I am. To me I am always announcing how much I love my son. This is because I know that we share the same mind. This is how your get through it. When you want to be dark, because being dark is fun. You have to put your face to the sun. Remember who you are.
A long time ago....In a land not so far away.I was The Fastest Girl in Town.
That is my chant into the gut of every boy I’ve love. Remember who you are.Thatʼs how they like to receive love from me.
Gut Punches.
You have to punch the gut of life. I loved nothing more than sitting back and remembering. Remember all the wrestling. Being silly kids on nothing but summer days. Riding in the woods. Jumping in water. Burning memories down with why is Stacy filthy.
Thatʼs who I was at that age. Covered in mud. Always. Just head to toe dirty. I loved hugging all of them. Rubbing mud up their noses. Getting every inch of their face covered in
all my messes. Those wild animals that I ran with. They love making me need a shower. Being Stacy of The Wild. I just jumped in water. Each J Boy has baptized me. Literally, hold my nose and dunk me. Each one. We all loved swimming. Any body of water we found ourselves in. Dunk me, I would say. I would start again.
I still do. I go find rushing water. I’ll lay. Just be still. Look up. Warmth. Be still. Just let what is to happen. Happen. The world gets quiet. You breathe in. Breathe out. The wind wraps the dead grass. You let go of your red balloon.
It always floats to all The Loves of My Life. There she is, they say. . .
When Danny does meet Jesse. Danny will make fun of me for when I thought Jesse was some sort of something. What I donʼt know. It’s a not attached memory. I donʼt think I was there. If I was, I was under real magic spells. It’s real. I’m so mindful on what is consumed into my database. I’m dodging and weaving mind alternating space spells. The boys get it. They do. I’m so much power for them.
In my mind, I’m Rory and I’m teacher at the school of secret societies. The only students are My Band of Brotherhood. It’s just lessons and slamming things. Scaring all the handsome men of my life. I’m writing Logan those dirty books, he would want. She didnʼt need to look for words to say. Rory, knows how they all made her feel. If I’m long gone from this earth. I want them to think of all the love I gave them.
If Jesse ever meets Danny.I’ll tell Danny. . .Make sure to put yourself in his good eye. Poor thing
can’t see. Inside of my mind, I thought of funny stories. Memories. Growing up with my son. Reminds me of growing up with my friends.
Danny has heard all The J Boy stories. He hates them, just like The J Boys do. I keep my stories to myself. Move my grin for my memories of sin. Josh was just always to The Right. I didnʼt want to go to The Left. It was the other direction. My smile and jump from the table. That was me. Smile and jump. I grew up and got big. I rolled off what I climbed. Thatʼs who I was. A climber. Thatʼs what I do. Climb. Look up. Find a way out.
Josh is the boy that I run for. Tag you are it. Tap. Smile. Run. That was who I was. A hand sliding away. I’ve just always wanted to open the front door. Kick off my crocs. Walk to where Josh is standing. Ask him to stand still. I lean in like I’m kissing Luke. I’m all grown up. He is just a face at the diner. We just have a coffee. We just eat some eggs. I tap my leg. Throw my head back laughing. We sit with everyone. I am just Stacy Day.
Star grazed in love with Joshy.
They all just surrounded me with the but whys. I will. I will. But first. Let me tell you a story.
You have to enter into I think My Sisterʼs have evil twins. Except for Tab. The only one I care to fix is Cheryl. Everyone likes Cheryl more than me. She is more attractive. She is a better artist. Overall, just a better person. I wanted to elevate her to believe it for herself. I know I’m great. I donʼt care if it makes sound like a crazy narcissist. I call this Nelson energy. I just believe I’m the bigger dog, I am. I’m just a little girl with cry face. I needed to be bad bitch, Stace. I need The Brotherhood. Who had turned on The Queen. I was to keep my mouth shut, because itʼs the code.
The secret was a secret.
Shhh. Donʼt tell.
I know they do. I donʼt care. I think its funny. Who cares. When those boys need a place to put their head. They will crawl slowly from war. I’ll throw water on their face. Then pull them up. Put their head in my lap. Say, you are my face. I just brush the hair away from the ear. I lean down and whisper. What?I donʼt remember. They might. I’m always passing notes.
They are many of me. I donʼt know what I say. Believe when me when I say. I donʼt control my mind. It’s controlled by who controls Britney Spears. We have to break the spell. There is no one that is more capable to finding Britney Spears that of The Red Queenʼs Army.
We are going to close the boardgame. Turn off the movie. Be here in reality. Slow dance in those ever close forest. Move the camera. I know the story. I didnʼt need an interview. I already had them. I wanted everyone to sit in a circle. My Mom
was dumbldoor. However your spell it. When she died. It was time. Every one lift your wands.
We shut off. Our systems went down. We went into healing mode. Clean the system. Cool it down. I’m old AI, ok. I’m 90ʼs AI. I’m malfunction like Britney and Kayne. I am to Erin as Kayne is to Britney. He told us. They make clones of people they want more access too. You can’t trust anything. We need technology to fix the problem. By spreading the word and being self-aware of the dangers of the world. Thatʼs it. Thatʼs all I was trying to do. It just came out scary and terrifying. I had to slow down.
Look at the codes.If I was Britney Spears Clone.
They know I’m going to be locked into JT. Thatʼs my code. JT is my lock in, pay attention. Any J. If I was Britney its JT. J Timber Lake. I was The Lake. The J Boys were my stabber villains. My killers. Just silly boys in masks. I pulled one by one all the scary ghost. I try to be a thrill writer. I’m so good that I made you believe we were there. Didnʼt mean to. I scared myself more than anyone.
I was done crying on rivers.
Years, we have watched JT be like, look what she did to me. For me it was The Apple. Then the game of boys. Oh my the games, I’m so Toxic. Britney’s real responses to The JT Code. This is how you heal everything about Britney.
Everything video for Britney is about being born again. This is what Britney is telling you.
JT said Britney died in a car accident. Britney said, but I’m born again.
See..They talk to each other.
This is how I communicate with all The J Boys + Alex. My biggest fans.
My Top Ten.
Focus on JTJT leading the pack. JT was the code.
JT put spells on Brittney. Locking her in her own mind. We have to free Britney of mental prisons. This is the goal. You have to see Britney being in jail. She is. We all want Britney to be okay. Everyone in the entire world, wants Britney Spears to be back.
Just walking down the stage at Kings Island. We are 8 years old. I rode up the water ride. I said, There she is. Erin when she went to see Britney Spears. I’ll never forget how she described it. All her glitter chapstick. It was like I was walking in her footsteps. Britney was here. She was so in bliss of Britney. I thought, its just Britney Spears. What’s the big deal. Then I spent my life, being like what is wrong with Britney. I did this for Erin. Trying to help her see what happened. Britney is who Erin prays too. Erin is who I pray to. We know why I pray to her. She has always been this way. When Britney lost her mind, shaved her head. She was like, OMG. I was like, OMG. We were all like, OMG.
I have solved the great problem of the world. Britney is not Britney, she is a clone. If she isnʼt a clone, than she is AI. If so, we can reprogram her. We can remap her database. We can turn her back into Britney Spears. Jean Jackets and lip gloss. We can just be there.
Let’s make Britney The Problem.
What happened to her to make her like that. We had to ask ourselves. This is on a real level. I thought there is no one more hunted, then Spears. I grew up and felt like that. Camera at the table. The camera above me. The camera over there. I just put the camera on myself. Make sure you get the story right. I just kept my book open. Let whoever wants to read to read.
I knew that I could reprogram Britney Spears.
My Get Out of Get OutThe Self-help book by the crazy conspiracy girl.
Hood Up Peace Up
Writing stories as a little girl. I wanted to be a dark writer. Jesse drew dark stuff. I wrote dark stuff. We imprinted our vision of how we saw the world. Into the world. I think we have mapped reality.
If I make Josh and Jesse at peace. I’ll be at Peace.
There is enough for everyone. I donʼt like sharing. It’s messy. I like to pick one and stay there for a while. Then I’ll wander around. It was time to just crawl into my own bed. Curl up with myself. Tell my story. Then they all could read. Thatʼs what I was after. A feeling.
Katie might be The Real Holy Grail. I might be The Devil, herself.
Trying to be Good. I was just so bad.
We laugh going...We both are The Holy Grails.
We just melt on the inside. Be left alone.
Dance.Dance is what we will do...
In my happiest place. If I was asked, go to the happiest place. It’s watching Katie eat ice cream cones, driving listening to painful emo music. Talking about some J Boy. Dreaming of Hercules. Grooving down back roads. Alone. The morning after. The next day. My new dawn is Katie and all her long red hair.
She is the one that I put under my blanket. Leave her alone. I would growl all night. Pacing the treelines. Fighting the devils and demons that wanted her. I suited up to protect her. I couldnʼt always save her. Katie needs to run. She needs to be free. She has to love and be loved. I just want to sit by the door and be there if she needs me. I’ll be here. Close enough to save her.
I’ve drank so much poison. I’ve been someone I donʼt recognize. I did this at a very young age. I want those faces of me to disappear. I donʼt want to remember. I want to take pages from my diary. I want to just slide down trails. Remember when.
Be here. Right here.
Cheryl is not a evil monster, who takes my child. Inside of made up storyland. I go she hurt me or my feelings. She is now a villain. Inside of my head, I turn a one sentence of one moment in one day. Now, I’m going obsess about it. Now, its all I think about. It’s just not the big of deal. You go. You were hurt too. You need to run into this hospital with me. Get out of the war. Now, that we are locked away with this wild mind. What will we create. I can write it. You can see it. What will we do about it.
I’m not this I know everything person. It’s just I have sat with nothing but my opinion on what I think every one should do. That I have a massive ego. All I want to do is show you the way. How becoming Beyonce saved my life. I stomped to my freedom. I was here. I was forever and always. I defeated the code. Beyonce defeated the code. They had her on spells. Her
and Ri. Ri was like, look at my skin. Woo. Be was like I’m going to take a break.
Remap her mind. Now, she is a different person. What if she is AI. We will never know. It’s so crazy. It’s all I think about. Thinking about this makes me feel like its happening to me. I’m projecting these fear on my life.
To Me, Cheryl can be evil enough to switch my child. I know thatʼs hard to hear. How could I ever think that. Understand me when I say, she can hurt. She doesnʼt mean to. You just pull the knife out and say, What is wrong. She is harder to understand than me.
All in all. I’ve done a good job at preventing more trauma to happen to me. I have this god awful mean face. No one wants me when I’m hillibilly porch wild old lady. Who is insane and mad. Fighting wars from 2007. I’m snapping peas with crazy mammaw.
I know when its just time to go to bed. The fight is over. I slid my hate trophy away those houses with each of those men in my mind. I sat on the kitchen table. Telling the same old lies. Lies. Lies.
Except its not lies. It’s the slow truth of a painful life. It’s the slow pull of when she was mine. When it was on our page. When you were the lips on my neck. When it was my hips in your stomach. I spin and turn. Stare up. Make a silly face. Laugh. Giggle to get away. Spin behind me. Chase me. I run off into the dark. Smiling with Katie. Putting on a melody. Protecting us with her eye.
She is The Eye.
I think that the devil tries to mirror true power. Which is why I’m so worried that I was the real devil. I was just oh man. I donʼt want to be the devil. This sucks. I want to be the good guy. The good girl. I know I play bad so well. Its wrote for me. I am ms. Pain. I know that throwing that apple. Thinking of sitting on his chest. Just clean him up.
I did this scene with all The J Boys, but never Alex. No, I can’t hurt that one. This is the game inside of head. Seek and destroy J Boy. Then love it. Really just enjoy the pain. Just be there. Why do we go there. Oh yes, you like it. Donʼt be afraid.
Learning to not be afraid of Jacob.
I never was.
He was my glace and smile. Just look.Just smile.Look down.
Look to the side.
Think. Type.
What would one say
Let Jacob watch me kiss Josh. This is what The J Boys want. I’m in the give the people want they want. No more tensing. This was it. Housewife erotica. This was it.
I would slam Josh into things. I know that is his trauma. Why are you so jumpy. Oh yes, I was mean. I would just throw him around. It’s because I wanted to play. I just wanted to play and run. Jacob wanted me to throw him around. Jesse already got throw right away. He was voted off the island. Except he is a fan favorite and keeps coming back. Season after season. Here he is.
Jesse has become a map. I can talk to Josh about what Jesse is trying to say. Except Jesse is just emotional. He can’t be emotional because he is big strong man. Except Jesse is still a sad 16 year old boy. Feeling like he has lost every one. He needs Josh. Josh needs Jesse. More than me. They all were very, bros before Stace. Except I was The Queen of The Brotherhood. You are to do anything I say. I command you with my words.
They are just like no you donʼt. I’m like, yes I do.
Then it starts over again.
I donʼt want to be Captain America. I think I’m the captain. That I was made in a science lab. I’m 100ʼs of years old. This is what I feel. It’s wild. I think its because Katie was always praying on me.
When Katie and I would be crying. Sad girls with sad feelings. We would eat snack cakes. We would say, we are ok. Then we just moved on. We laughed it off. We loved all of the boys who followed us around.
Katie was beauty herself.
I felt like I was her Shadows.
Not meaning to. Just trying to find my way. Who I was. Just two girls trying to find who they were in the world. Our smile. Sunny shine. People wanted what we had.
My sisters hurt Katie. In ways, I’ll never say. I’ve only wanted to lay with Katie and cry. Hug. Heal. I donʼt cry anymore. Nothing to cry about. It’s done. We have so many days. One day, its you. It’s your time to go. What would you came here for. Will you do it. Will you be who you are designed to be. We are a design. Each person has their own Gods and Devils. Every one had their own garden. Each of us have a snake. A apple. It’s findings yours. Finding yours will heal you.
I believe it to be true. Which makes it reality.
Believing My Sister Cheryl is Evil. Made her Evil.
I wrote her into the story of my life. Except she was not a good person to me. Except she was made to be the sunshine. The light. The comic relief. The calm down. The bright spot on the dark parts of who I am. I could take the eyeliner off. Be still. Be Stace. Look ahead.
Bring the sun... Forgiveness.
What the deal was,I felt she would do something like that. Get pregnant with Jeffs baby when I was.
I on purpose will make Jeff wonder. Is that Your Baby?
Do I do, what you do? No. The answer is no.I could have, but I didnʼt.
I keep my mouth closed. He is what he is. I was good to him. That boy is your boy. I think they made Danny in each J Boy. Josh and Jacob both have sons around Danny’s age. I felt like the farmed us. This is what I believe.
Thatʼs was why we were messed up and forgetful because they were switching us out with evil twins that live the underground tunnels of an town with a terrible past.
This is The US Code.I think that movie is real.
I Think its what they did. This is the dark stuff of my breakdown. We can talk about it. I’m a scary person. I get weird eyes. Look like Thatʼs so Raven. Then I destroy my own life with my own thoughts. I can’t let go of the past because im hateful. Like not in the fun way. Like, I really am hateful. The truth is The T Boys, liked to have a fun time with My hot sister. I was just mean ugly person.
Thinking that was happening. Made me jealous. I stopped being good time girl, because of the trauma. It doesnʼt mean, I donʼt like to be invited. I like to have fun.
This is my trauma. I wanted to hang out. I aint got nothing to do. This was why I have this, pout of what’s wrong when it comes to The Jesse and Cheryl Storyline. Thatʼs what it is. I Think Cheryl got with them all. She tried Jacob and he turned her down. I know she would and was all over Josh. I wanted to free My J Boys. Alex doesnʼt have trauma of Cheryl.
Except my life for Alex is world news. I am his feed. What is going on with Stace. Alex is just checking in to make sure we are okay. Over the years without words, I know he has seen the sadness in my eyes. I post that way for a reason. Picture. Date. Abuse. Trauma. Marker. Remember when.
I am creating data. That is who I am. That is what I have always done for all of my life. I wish I didnʼt but glad I did. Now, I can see it. It makes it real.
I donʼt really want anything from anyone. I want to make a movie. I want to retire in a easy job. Easy jobs feel like retiring. When you are just good. You just glide.
Jesse worked at scary hotel in Portland, Oregon. He became famous for being Jesse. Jesse and Stacy are pretty big deals. We are famous for the good time train of every one wants to be our friends. We just are smooth. Jesseʼs story telling. Spread like wildfire of the story of us. We burned the world down with our tragic love story.
It’s just what every toxic never able to be loved vibe. That was who I was. Touch me. Donʼt. I love you. No, I donʼt. That was who I am. The sweet girl. You have your Stacy. The face that belongs to you. The one you save to a private album of just want to look.
My sweethearts in my life. I just want to remember slow dancing in the places where our faces meet. Standing under the choir stairs. Walking into big yellow rooms. Staring out windows. Dreaming of the words for my stories. Set the scenes for those who cared to look. Who am I to you in your frame of the me you keep.
Where are your now. Who are any of us.
All I know.I walk these streets forever.
Looking for The Her Looking for The Him.
I’ll find my friends.
I felt like given our ages. Given the year of the times of my friends. Given the new technology. Given the empty houses. Given the distracted parents. Given. Given. Given. That I might have a case. I might be able to free The Girls with Long Red Hair. The Red Pills.
I won’t say names. I know your names. I remember the stories. I am sorry for what I couldnʼt protect when I was just a
kid. I was just Stacy. It was just me. I am sorry. Now, I run around looking for clues. Trying to solve riddles. Find things meant to be forgotten. Gone. We want to see. Wanting to open up MySpace. The Map. I wanted to see My Space. The Galaxy of who I was. I wanted to remember.
I wanted to dance in the yard. Arms wide open with Josh. I wanted to write what they always wanted to read. How do you feel about Josh. Oh Boy. We are going there, ok. Like I’m always being interviewed by Jesse or Jacob in my head. Asking me questions. That I feel like a bug being possessed under a possession spell.
I like that Harry and Ron, learned real magic. I think Neville needed to cut the head of the snake. I’m scared that it was me. That I sat with The Dark Lord in my head for long. That I became The Dark One. I didnʼt want to be that dark.
Thatʼs too dark. I wanted run to Neville who had the biggest glow up. Just kiss his sweet face, like I always did. Just shaking hands of let me love you.
I’m just not Joshys type. I’m not. I saw what each of them like. I knew the love they like to receive. I wanted to make all of my boys comfort at night. I did my best to adjust my love dial. All grown up. They just want long letters of I’m all better. We laugh. We see a new start.
Let’s go back to where I went lost.
They watched us in our computers. I worried that this was wide spread problem. That is started where we stood. It was our story that gave the idea. This was the big fear. The big problem I was trying to solve. It’s a dark problem. I’m sorry. I just want to be safe. The what happened, I donʼt care about. It was yesterday mes problem. I move forward in the today.
Abby is beautiful. I know that she is a great person. I know that sometimes, she might struggle with Jesse. I understand how to handle each of My Boys. I know how they need to be guided back to the light.
In another realm in a different dimension. We all lived as one. This is from our youth. I hold them all for one moment of one day in my life. For life, I’ve been follow me. We walk in creeks and trails. I walk them up mountains.
When Jesse is just the worse. You want him to sit in time out and come back a different kid. You let him. Stacy is going to go have a talk with him. Say, you do right by me. I’ll do right by you. I’ll start with releasing Jesse. I donʼt want his soul.
I want him to step into greatest with me. With Josh.
Let’s just say hard things. It’s not my problem. What those boys are to each other. It’s none of my business. Except it is. I love them. I think of them every second of every day of my entire life. I’m never going to get over it. I’m always going chasing all of you.
Most of my happy memories. It’s just Josh and Stacy. Sitting in the grass. Looking up. Just being still. It’s this small
moment of my life. This memory doesnʼt hurt. Then it did. I was just like, why?
When I get mad. I get dream girl evil. I spin into The Lady in Black.
But I am Stacy Day. I will be back.
I’ll take my soul. Then I’ll move on. I want to drive around. Give every one back whatever emotion trauma, I took from you. I’ll heal. I’ll put my hand out the window. Let the wind grab it. I’ll drive down the highway. Looking up. Being lost in a song. There I’ll be. Thatʼs my memory.
I look over. Its Joshy hair. Moving in the wind. Trying so hard to be cool. I just wanted to say, pick another car. This one is driving straight into darkness. We are bad. We are not good people who are the darkness itself.
We were no devils. Just funny kids. Trying to move the day. Be wild. Be free. Getting into trouble. High from the rush. I donʼt do drugs. If I do inhale. I take it easy.
I want to open the doors. Every one walk through the doors. We all stand in a circle. Michael himself, walks out with a Tuba. Gets on One Knee. He says, “Ihave always loved you. Ohio State Rules and Michigan sucks.ˮI’ll be like “Oh Honey, they have pretty lakesˮ Then we kiss and be married.
Thatʼs Alexʼs memory of me.“Alex, I am in love with Micheal and I must have him.ˮ
I couldnʼt ever spell Michaels name right. That was who I loved before Josh. I drew pictures of his face. I loved him.
Alex, I love him. I must have him. Now, in space wars with Alex.
I have to unwire our childhood to understand our code. Tubas. Sweats. Pink Floyd. Mud. Fake Grass. Laughs. Snacks.
This is My Alex Code.I have code with all of them.
If I believe The Alex is The G in The Masons.
This is a big deal for me.
You have no idea. How much, I believe this. I wish I didnʼt. I wished I could be a normal person. Who isnʼt obsessively trying to prove her point. This is the deal.
Now, I thought that Alex would know where The Tunnels are. You see, I know where the tunnels are. We have tunnels all under us. I felt this was the real Hell on earth. Believing that I am the dark one, trying to bring the light. I needed a mission to chase.
I love those boys, donʼt get me wrong. It’s just life moves on. People go to work. Your drink your coffee. Take your nap. Read your book. Move forward for yourself.
For Me... My Mission is find. . . Cec and Ash.
The Last Time I saw them alive. They were meeting middle aged men, looking for a goodtime with a 13 year old. I’m not saying anything, but I think this is a problem boys. I slam my assignment on all my strong mens desk. I’ll say, listen. Listen. Give me a second, let me think about it. Okay. This is what we have to do. We have to learn to calm down.
I’m going to scare Erin. I the real Britney is a evil clone. Britney Spears would be The Lady in Yard for Erin. If who you love the most, is who comes to kill you. Thatʼs the story. I didnʼt mean to scare you. When I did mean to, I’m sorry. I’ll do my best to make sure, she knows I’m playing. Except a lot of me, really was. I’m all of sudden 15 years old. So, Erin is always getting me in trouble and taking my shit. This is how 15 year old Stace would say it. In my therapy books talking to all the wise men. I will get it off my chest.
I love Erin.Thatʼs my big suppression.
All I want to know, is what does Alex wear to bed. What is his nighttime routine. Does he wear sweatpants or is he a matching jammies. I like to think of Alex as Home Alone Kid, all grown up. His adult house looks just like Home Alone. If you are a Stacy Fan.
You know that Home Alone is original code. It made think of Jesse in 2018, in December. I watched it and thought about
getting lost in the sea of Jesseʼs family. Then I think of Alex. He was the new kid on the block, when he was little kid.
A blonde boy, in the sea of brown hair boys. Alex was very different from them. If Alex needs to use swear words, I would give him a feelings stick. Get it off your chest, oh great one. I love just being around Alex, when he is mad. It’s the great thrill of my young life. We usually would be fighting the same fights. I was very much fist to face of yes.
Alex is always going to be 15, trying to run to world. I think he wears matching jammie set, kind of guy.
Maybe, green flannel.
She is The Key. I think Erin is The Key for My Childhood suppressions. I think Mercy will have gained perspective of causes, she would like to get behind. Along with she had eyes on me dealing with my adult troubles. Her medium Cadillac no whip. She is the first lady of H Town. She has to have a cause for the pictures. I like to pretend to be Alexʼs PR, in childhood land. I like Mercy. I planted seeds.
I knew that she was the one. I know that she would like stories of what a young king was like. He is very much the same person. When he was younger he would roll his sleeves up. He would get hot. Then he would pace. Gathering things. My memories are often internal dialogue. Alex doesnʼt say much. I would look and create words in his head. This the theme with every one. I like to create narrative from wherever my eyes are on.
Mercy is beautiful and smart. I just love that all of them are looking for woman with intelligence. When I do my power points. I’ll include all The Queens. We do our dramatic dances in the videos of my life.
Thatʼs The Thing with Erin and I.We are beefing inside of Music Videos.
It’s so funny and thatʼs how you need to describe it to your therapist that you all need because of me. Erin in the sun over the hill. The smile in the distance. I love drinking and spilling tea. Keep it sweet. Keep it simple. Mostly, keep it kind. If your say that about her to me, what do you say about me to her. This continues. We use kind words for everyone.
Unlocking those stories will open my doors. I turned the key. Erin would remember Cec, Ash, and Stace. Focus on those three. Why do we look like twins. Younger me, does not think I was attractive. Now, I’m unkept. This doesnʼt make me not beautiful. I just really was, a t-shirt time kind of girl. I love Jesse and Josh, like Pauly D and that other guy who is the love of my life. Everything I am, I am thinking about that guy. What’s his name. Google him.
Vinny.
Let’s just stay here. Josh is Vinny. This is Code.
I watched that show with him, when I was with Jeff. I sat with Josh on these futons of our life story. I’m sitting with
Josh. Blowing smoke on him. Rubbing his head. Tickling him. Just hoods up. Smile drawn. I’m locked in. Internal dialogue activated.
Thatʼs what those boys think about from Heavenly Stace.The internal dialogue.
All those unsaid words, boys.
All I have to say, is I want you all to crawl from The Lake in My Mind. Run up to me drying off. Who am I with. What was her name. Was it Cec and Stace at The Lake Day. Who can remember us eating popsicles. All The Lost Boys were at The Lake.
Those years we all went. We had snacks.
Popsicles Stacy Code.
Each major memory. I’m eating popsicles.
To know Stacy, is to know that I’m so obsessed with symbols. I speak in code. It’s all I know how to do. It drives me crazy. Itʼs the what’s wrong. I’m The Code. I know I am, but no one will believe me. I’ll just la la la done The G Code. Understand that the mysteries of my obsession with being Rory Gilmore, is the magic spell to unlock all of goodness.
To be loved by Rory G, herself.
That was Love.
I’m The Bad Rory. The Good Girl Gone Bad
That is the Vibe.
Thatʼs how I talk. I have never left this spot of my mind. Where, I am directly. I think that I am The Queen of The Night. This means, that I run Hollywood. This is what I believe. I think they told me. If you know, okay we are going to give you massive signs of who you are to us.
It was going on before Jesse in The Park.
Jesse was just very much, like who are you. Why are we about to be on the stage. I felt like our life story. It was the open of the curtain. We were lights hot, nervous. Every story in every chapter of my life. It was watched. It was documented with the media. I was to be named The Queen.
I just wanted so badly to do a good job. This was my one big chance. I worked so hard. I was so exhausted. I was so sad. I was a bad mom. I had to do what I had to do. I wish I could be more of me. I know that Danny will always be okay.
Jeff and I are aliens. We will use our space power to protect The Arch of Covenant. I Think I spelled it right.
Jeffs numbers. We all have number. Jeffs numbers are the beast. I won’t write it. I think my writing has power. This
just always made me wonder. I was like, I really hope I’m one of the good ones.
That can’t be me. Oh my god, I hate me. Jeff knows that I fight space monsters. Sometimes, I think Jeff pushed me down rabbits holes. I would fall and go down rivers and oceans.
Inside of my head. I am laying on my back. Staring at The Sun with Cec. It’s just her and I. Sometimes, Ash. We are floating at The Lake. Those boys watched. We just let them. We run to the swings. We play in our sand. We grew up. In my mind, we traveled the world. We laughed. We ran the world. It was her and I. All grown up real life spies. We had the magic within us.
Where ever she is. My storybook reaches her. I’ll be running down our roads. Looking for you behind every door. I’ll always come back. I’ll always find you. If only in my mind. You will be 11 years old. Dancing our troubles away. Riding our bikes up mountains.
We lived free. We can go now.
We spark the match.Drop it on all the burned our souls alive.
We had Jason chasing us. The real Jason.
I am sure, an actual Jason.
I worry that Cec and Ash are stuck in human trafficking. That they are isolated from me. Just as I was. Do not talk to them. I would try to set up a lifeline to get out.
As much, I forgive Jeff. I know that inside of my head, we really are good vs evil. Our tragic love story. We can just laugh. Go on Joe Rogan our therapist. Jeff and I would let Joe figure out how we all just kiss and make up.
It’s the need to punch them in the face.
This comes from me, protecting Cec and Ash.
They were very abused and I was the witness. I grew up and spent my entire life. Trying to be capable to save them. The only thing I knew to do was to write our story. Its just not fun to read. I’m a read in-between the lines.
Being very, get off my friends. I would get into the faces of big older boys. I’ll snap and growl usually men. Girls can be the villain too. Girls use womanly wilds and mind games. Thatʼs the weapon in the room with Ms. Scarlett.
Sam who is Ms. Scarlett. I’m recasting and I’m going to make that Erin M. storyline. It just hits different. This is what we will do. Erin M. is the snake in the grass vibe, I’m looking for. Do not get upset. It’s just storyline. I have none of any of the clues on who any of you even are. I have some overly contrasted hyper photoshop of some people I used to know.
I’m Detective Sharp.
Where, I truly feel I am the real FBI, investigating the missing person who I believe to be. Except, I am Stacy Day. I’ve just experience so much trauma. That I have completely detached.
Inside of me, I’m in Lovely Bones with Cec and Ash.
I’m so scared they are stuck in The Beast. I think thatKings Island is Code.
All of it.The Beast in The Woods.
That HTown was The Beast.
Who was The Beast. We all were. We were all created monsters. We all said stuff we wished we didnʼt. We all did stuff we wished we didnʼt.
I want to walk into a smokey room. Stand in front of the PlayStation. Squat down in the serious face. We go where did Cec go? Proof. Gone.
She stayed connected for small time. Then she said, I’m meeting middle age man. He is going get me cigarettes. At the time, I think she started doing drugs. We were 13. I was very much, What Would Jesus Do, Stace.
Like, people think I’m some big scary person. I’m always standing on fire, begging God himself to free me. I do get freed. It’s the best thing to show how its happening.
Who cares how I describe it. Let me tell my story in the way I want to read it. I want to be the girl in the back of the bus. Notepad and ideas. Thinking of stories. What would I say. Be all the things Rory wanted to be. I just did. I am proud of myself.
I know a lot of it was out of control. I just rode the wave. Jesse knows how to walk into the room. Every one sit down. Listen. Ok. Here we go.
Josh and I, eyeroll at the drama.
Josh wants to know who Jesse and I are to each other. He was only there a few times. He heard the stories over the years. Which is just unsaid words. Then you go inside of your head on what you think happen.
What every one wants to know. How did I see things for what they are. I see a girl, looking for a good time. I just played a song. Had me a drink. Something to smoke. Found a lap to dance in.
That was who I was to Josh... I was always in his lap.
Listening to all the Stace likes you music I could find. I just rolled the mountains of me. Melted like butter into his chest. We stumbled around. Then we would find our footing. Josh would go too high. Come back, my friend. I was so scared for him.
He broke the toilet one night. I knew. We needed to calm down. I just stopped drinking. I didnʼt drink after I got with Jeff.
I felt like I was druged. Shannon did a lot of drugs at that time. I drank entire bottle of yager. Then I went to black world. In and out.
This is the night of bowling ally. When I wished I just got out at Josh house. Told his mom, I didnʼt have anywhere to go. I couldnʼt go home. I had no home. I didnʼt have Katie. I lived with Shain and Cheryl. I couldnʼt be at Shannonʼs. Everything was coming down on me. I was about to be adult. Take care of myself. I didnʼt have no one.
I wanted to just walk into Joshʼs bedroom. Lay down. Put my three pairs of clothes in the corner. Just be there.
Thatʼs not what happen. No. Josh said, I do not want you. I am whatever whatever. Black out mad.
I just eyeroll back mad, holding a phone.
I put a lot of hours in trying to get Josh to love me. He did not. He could not. I was just Stacy Day mad. This is someone and something I have worked hard on healing. I am not mad at you. I hate myself. I donʼt hate anything more than how much I hate myself.
Now, I’m like love you as much as every one does.
Every one for all of my life, is like you know what. I love you. I am like thanks. Then they are like, you are scary. I just want to be like, Danny likes scary stories. I like bible stories. We both like Marvel stories. I did my best to blend it.
Well, trying to find the missing youth.
I broke free. All at once. My soul pulled into the sky. I was now, Stacy Day. I had every memory. Every story. They gave me back my memories. The real stuff. It was a story so insane, that it has to be truth. The truth is crazier than you could ever imagine.
I have a love language of feel my pain. This I need to heal.
This is my attempt at diving inside the inside of me. Let my wonderland, be your glory. Making great men, great. This is also my love language. I want all those devils in my garden, know I love you.
Close the scary book of my life story. Now, I’m data.I’m not real.
Love me that way.Just a channel in your mind.
Just me a HugKiss on the forehead.
Let me go. Except, do not.
You beat my chest. You sit on my chest.
Wake me Up.
Wash me in The Water.
I’ll forever be standing in the yard. Wash the horses in the sky. Dancing in the rain. I’ll be all grown. Spinning in the created rain. I’ll be all the things I want to see in the world. I’ll put the days in the catalogs of my life.
I’ll be a statue.I’ll be studied at Yale.
I am Rory. I do not care about love stories. Who cares if I’m pretty, if I can’t pass midterms. What would I write. I would go back to by old writing. Roryʼs best piece is The Life and Death Bardage. This was the best piece she did. We always thought Logan, thought if only she knew. What would Logan spill over the years. Too drunk. Lips the tongue on the truth. What is the big secret. This is what I thought.
I knew that Alex was a Mason. I just knew. I didnʼt need to see his pin. I knew. I lived my life, trying to figure out what is up with that club. Then on deep dive. I was The Holy Grail. The entire thing is set up to watch me.
This is what Rory found. Now, she can’t print it. Noone will believe her.
She decided to just write the good stuff. The slight jumps. The boo.. he is here. The moments when they jumped into the scene. I wrote the stories, I wished I could tell Ash and Cec. All
the stuff they missed. When I was with my new friends. What they missed.
I wanted my fire to pull them out of wherever they are hiding. If I can calmly tell all the boys, that this isnʼt about you. I know each other them think I am talking about them. Sure, honey. It’s about you. It’s our song. Wink. Wink. It’s always the song, because its mine song. The song belongs to me. I sway in the feeling of being enough.
Erin I know, understands the love language of pain.
So, I’m going pull her chair up first.We are going to do some Stacy is Tony Robbins energy.
I know the answers I looked for. I know that we have to heal this pain thing. We all want to have pain in our life. In our heads. We are old. We can’t go hard like that. We just want to sleep. Cuddle. We want a different vibe.
Pacing around the drama stage, making Erin jump. It’s a core memory. That now I think its just funny. I know I am famous. I want to make her famous. She already is. She is my memory of who I could be. This is the lesson the face. Look at the faces around us. Why we all look like sisters, maybe we are. Spooky.
This is just delusion that started conspiracy of Blue Eye, Brown Haired Girls, like Katy Perry and Zoey D. Zoey is another Stacy. In the multi verse of The Stacy Simulation. I am these different faces. Understand who I am and when I am that
person and love me in that specific love language will help me to heal.
If I am, I’m Lucy today. Treat me like Lucy.
If I say,I’m Zoey today.
Love me that way.
Jeff did this well. Except I have the ones that want to be 17 standing over Jesse with an apple and the face. I’m just naked covered in fluid and regret. To me we were that exposed thatʼs what those memory turned into. Just these beast consuming each other. I had to let it go. I had to stand up and be like. Stop this from happening in your mind.
Then I just want to fix him. Be his nurse. Put pressure on his wound. I’m in scrubs. My hair it back. My glasses are slipping. He tried to push them up. His hands are covered in blood. I tell him to save his energy. I’m this little girl who hurt her best friend. I just pick up the pieces. I didnʼt mean to hurt him. Then I get him to the ICU. I’m dressed in scrubs.
This is who Abby is for him. She is the good, I could be. I am. All I’ve really wanted was to catch up with my old friend. When I sit them all down. Throw a shot back. I feel mighty safe with all you great men. I know you are the monsters I love. Be calm.
I’m always going to be 17.
Covered in his blood.
I grew up and wanted to fix the me that did that. Then I understood its now my love language. Break him to heal him. I have the face of Abby. She is a nurse. Jesse needs medical attention. Glove up. Just a nice girl. I saw that face really working at nursing homes. I know it was to get close to Abby.
We had us a real love story. Thatʼs what we need. Josh has love. Jeff does. Jacob does. They all have love. Alex being in real love with Mercy. Then what man doesnʼt want to be on a pedestal. Let me love you. Just relax. That is going to be how we heal. Alex has always just wanted to know. So many inside questions. Soft laughs with look away eyes. We tap the pen on the tables in our meeting halls. Getting the bagels in the back. Scooping the grapes on the plate. Look to the side. There I am. Smiling and walking away.
Just as I think Alex and Mercy are a power couple. I think the same thing for Abby and Jesse.
