Chapter 1
Chapter 4: Becoming The Sky
Jesse and I have to have gripped throat energy.
It’s how we fuel the world. Jesseʼs childhood lives inside of me. Jesse isnʼt much on opening up. He keeps it to himself. Trying to get him to talk about it. He just loses his mind in I’m an asshole, now. This energy they all have.
When we are real mad.Each of them, I can make “I am mad face.ˮ
I just donʼt want to be mad.I want to think of them warm in a bed. My memory pressed play.Pull into whatever hips you have.
I Love Honey Pot Spies. Each of My J Boys + Alex.
They like real assignments. I am just a old friend.
Abby is working in a community where a lot of bad happen. Along with the bad, so did the good. Jesse and I are nothing but full throttle to the sun. He can map my mind. Our minds are the same. Jesse is dark kid. Who almost got kicked out of school for his comics. I thought well, we will just grow up and prove them wrong. That is where this all comes from. Jesse is laying the ground. Face up to the ceiling. He has this next page. I’m going to be hands under chins ready to hear about.Please describe.Thatʼs who we all are to each other. Story Tellers. My Cowboys of the night.
Reform of Healthcare is my heartbeat. Blending Healthcare with Workforce.
Case Managers inside of Workforce. Blending the two worlds.
Like putting healthcare access inside of schools. Putting those type of clinics near hubs.
Creating safe places.
Jesse is the stand on a car crazy. Inside.
This will free him. We just hand shake.
Laugh.Write something new to read.
I’ll just pour the water you like. Spin a melody. It frees me.
Then I’ll dramatically dance in standing water. Bringing in all those Heavenly Faces.
I’ll leave behind the toxic girl. I used just sit there and get fat. That was who I was. I get over fitting in boxes. I want to just love all my lady lumps. Just be free in enjoying food. Letting me live my life. Now, I donʼt want chronic health conditions. I need to watch my sugar. I think sugar is the gateway drug. It’s the first taste of I like things that are bad for me. Thatʼs the problem.
We like things that hurt us. We use our minds to do that. This is why every one plays games. For me, I’m play ball with My Boys. The Brotherhood. I was very much, come here. We are shooting hoops. When you just look at these are just kids. We are stuck in this simulation of its over.
I said, I thought Jesse drugged me. I believe that I am watched. That someone drugged me. I likely was not drugged. I just wanted to have fun. That was who I was.
Jesse was starting to look like Nelson. This is my big suppression. Nelson is my first crush. He was the boy walking around places I would be. I would likely tell Jesse how much I liked his older brother. The T Boys are very attractive men.
When they were just running wild boys. They had who they wanted. Jesse was getting older. I was drop my glasses down my nose, you look like Nelson. I got to the point in my old age, I can’t tell them a part. Each of them had some sort of nighttime bed story. Just thinking about some stuff.
What you guys doing. I was just a sniffing dog. I would rather be left alone. I donʼt touch anything or anyone. Thatʼs my problem is I loved Nelson when I was growing up. He was my, well well well. Who do we have here. Oh, thatʼs Jesseʼs brother. Jesse as a young boy was chubby and short. It doesnʼt even seem real.
Jesse had red cheeks. I would just spill ideas into him. He did that for me. He got older. Nelson could be an asshole. It’s just he was so beautiful. Jesse same thing. You are like just ruin my life. Doing that to Jesse has created this thing about me. That I have to heal. It’s so toxic.
Abby will nurse him back to health. This will create Heaven. That is why Jesse can’t get over it. It’s because I am this story that spins. I was this lady of good counsel. I wanted to write books for him to read in whatever prison he has created. Releasing him.
I had a dream.Josh, Stacy, Jesse and blonde girl. She was Abby.
She had tattoos and took care of herself. Which I donʼt do, because I donʼt care. I want to be left alone. I was like, Ummm Jesse. Then we all went and ate Chinese. That is what I want to remember My J Boys. Eating. Getting me something to eat. I’ll flirt with your girlfriends.
They will know how to love all my husbands in different dimensions of my mind. Whatever page of whatever world of wherever we are. Jesse having a nurse fix all the wounds the devil herself did to him. I was The Devil.
Nelson would like the part. He has been auditioning.
I feel very much under possession of Nelson. Which he is just like “what did you do to my brother.ˮI am like, “why are you so handsome.ˮ Then he can’t be mad at me. I just tell my story in all my Stacy Day energy. He is just I get it. I understand all too well, why he can’t ever get over you.
Jesse can’t get over any of the Stacyʼs in his life. He just looks for me. Finds her. Then loves her. I just try to not be
weird. Going, she is me but better. I stayed hidden inside his mind. I would rather write Jesseʼs My Space Code. It’s just the safest place for us to be.
Looking sideways at Jesse with one of his girlfriends. Crunchy my apple. Looking like Megan Fox with all my trauma. Trauma is the pain he won’t let go. When he breaks the chains. He will be free to love Abby. He does. I am happy for him. He didnʼt drug me.
It was just a bad dream of what could happen. It just two crazy kids. I always wanted to tell Jesse about Josh. Then tell Josh about Jesse. Then tell Jeff about them all. Jacob and I are very much sliding eyes on if Jeff only knew. Knew what Jacob meant to me. Jacob became the greatest of all time. He will live forever. He is Tuck Everlasting. That is his Rory Face.
Jacob wants me to love him the way I love every one. Thatʼs it. I just love every one. I just go. You know what, I love you. When its hospital rooms. Juice boxes. You feel like a sick kid, again. You think of every page. Write every page. Just the good days.
Jacob and I arenʼt taking selfies. We are staring. I map his mirror face into my program. I think as I mentally touch his face. I’ll heal you. I’ll write in detail what loving you is like. What its been like. All the good you did. All the good you were only ever trying to protect us. All of us.
Jacob like Jesse have many loves. They are who you run to. If they gave you drugs. You just made a face and took the ride. I forgive all those boys for the fun time that was life.
Who I want to be, is holding hands with Katie. Staring at her sweet face. Laughing about something only we will ever get. My mind cleared of all the bombs. It will create a safe place for every one to rest.
They are all My He. Each day its inside dialogue of what if worlds with each other them.
If he does me good, I’ll do him good. I’ll protect all those can protect me. My J Boys and Alex join forces to protect The Holy Grail. We all just look up and laugh. We slow walk into the scene of my life.
Jesse didnʼt give me drugs. Jeff I think used to want me to go away. Let’s just turn the page. I often was stuck in other realities. In those realities Jeff is this moody badass. I can’t tell if he loves me or hates me. This is just my love language. If I just step into this being what I’m into. I might get the thing, I so badly would like to have all grown up. Wanting to do good in the world. He is sick. I did all I could to heal him. I couldnʼt go into his patient room. All I could do is use my fingers. Keep him alive.
I will sew and fix any of those boys. If I hurt you. I’ll clean up my mess. If you hurt yourself. I clean up the mess. I got over cleaning up messes. I want to ride my horse at dawn. I wanted to be cowgirl. Show those boys the origin story. Before any of them.
The President herself, Ceciley Greene.I felt like Cec and I were Queens of Europe.
That they moved us here in the arch. This is what I thought. Creating stories of made up nothing. In the beginning of confusing boys on the bus. Those boys sat the seat over. We sat talking. Laughing. Playing games. Cec and I were mystery, herself.
I stayed that way. A gust of wind in your life. What happened. Where is she. I’m here. Then gone. I dance around you at the roads you travel. I’ll be the blonde girl riding her bike. Trying to find something to do on nothing to do days. Thatʼs what I chase, nothing to do days. When you donʼt have anything to do. You just have you and your mind. I like to move it and manipulate the universe. You canʼt trick the almighty. Alex might be the one to decide who the arch is.
I might just stay, Stace.The Lady in Black.
Let the world eat itself. I’ll peace up, A Town down. H Town was A Town. I was the peace up. Alex just always wanted to know the story. I just always was tapping my desk, waiting to tell you. I have to save the best for last. We just giggle at us truly being just friends. I love him more than words could ever say. I also know how scary I am for Alex. Then I heard he likes to be scared a little. I like to just think of us being 15. I’m danger herself. Back to back fighting off evil people that made me cry. That was our comic book strip.
Inside of my mind, I am writing Jesseʼs comic books. I say it. He draws it. He is my eyes for the inside of mind. I can’t draw. I can describe. I’m very good at describing my ever thought. Jesse is season one of my life. You can’t change the origin story. If you donʼt have a clear beginning. Nothing will
make sense. It’s important to know how that story is in every story in vivid detail. Jesse needs a nurse. When I’m laying drunk at his wedding. What is my speech going to say. I would say, that Jesse, My Old Friend.
My Empire State of Mind. Your need a doctor. I know that she is one of my clones. She looks like 2006, Stace. Except she showers and seems less insane. This is who you need. Same, with Josh. I think he has a girlfriend. I want to remind them all that I’ll always be here. Doe eye staring up at my trees.
Inside of My Boys, I’m always eating my apple slowly and dramatically in their face. Just crunching so slowly. So slow. Just so juicy. I know that they all want to be hit in the face. When I get real mad. I go, oh you are going to be hit in the face. They just begged to be punched in the face.
I’m like you silly, silly boys.
We are still 17 and wild. Thatʼs the heat, I like to stay.
I’m like, oh man here I am. The bad guy.
I want so badly to pull up to them boys. I think this is my love language. If I was sitting in therapy. Why do we do this. I like it. I like pain at certain level of who I am. I know where to get the toqutour I was after.
Now, they have shown me that they are alive. Cec came to the coffee shop. I felt like it was her. I thought we had been together. No time past. I felt like me, her, and Ash. Lived on an island. I felt like they favored us.
We are very pretty. You think your pretty, yes. I have to say, you are beautiful. You know why, if I waited for someone to tell me. I would be waiting a long time. People tell me, but I have to tell me. If I go, you are beautiful. Then all the pressure from the boys will be released.
Boys do not want to be your entire validation of who you are, at as a person. Be your own worth. You fill your own cup. Then when they pour in will runeth over. We want full cups. Nice to the top cups. I want something to drink. I am thirsty.
Forreal, I’m thirsty.
I focus on finding them. I’m go right back to 2003. I lived in Bostin. This is scary place for me. There were guys that used to watch my church friends. There was a big red house. The Tiffany T lived. Then Brittany L, and her little sister.
I think our church community was a target. I think out of pure good intention. Keep the kids together. Danger found us all together. We needed to be spread out. We all started roaming the country.
Carrying with us. What was that. We decide to look at all the good that was happening. How can you apply all that was
learned. Put that good into the new story. We learned a lot. We all grew up. We have our own kids. What I want to make sure is that every one is aware.
I’m stuck in 2003. Trying to get ahold of Cec or Ash. No answer. They are gone. We never did not talk. We always got ahold of each other. When we would get mad. We always reached back out. It was done. I just thought they were mad. Then I was like something is wrong.
I didnʼt want to look anymore. Cec is okay. Ash is lost in the woods in Hocking. I felt like I was there. Cec wasnʼt okay. I won’t get into it. It’s nothing I want to be in the book. Cec is the most beautiful human being you have ever saw. Cec and I used to lay in her room. Dream of writing Harry Potter. She had all the books. Cec and I dreamt. We walked the streets.
We spent our life walking around. Her, Ash, and I. Megan was there. Megan was lost. It was hard to keep her here with us. I would have to pull myself away from her.
Cec is my pull on my mind.I think about her everytime I open my eyes.
Ash and Cec.
Our computers as young woman. It was a mothers nightmare. I am a mom now. I care of nothing and no one. I am a mom. This is how I fight his wars. This is space wars for when he is grown man. Going over, why is my mom insane. Danny will be so chill about it. That is who he is. I will be like I write scary stories. I couldnʼt wake up from my dream. It was
all very real. Now, I’m Wes Caven. This is the scary town. The scary face in the shadows. Take off the mask. Nothing bad to see. Everyone is new. Everyone is sorry.
We carry on.
When as adult went over my life. I remember being sent wild stuff to them. Directly at Ashʼs computer. Not, so much me. I laid low. That was who I was. I have a way of slaying dragons. I need examples and evidence of how it is happening. This is what I felt Jesse was doing. I think he was shown stuff when he was my friend. Josh and Jesse knew stuff. This I know for sure.
Josh was Vinny. Jesse was Pauly D.
Everything I am, is entirely with my whole heart in love with Vinny. Just like Snookie will forever be in love with Vinny. That was me. This was The Note. I love you Vinny. Always will be thinking of your warm plate of chicken and tomatoes sauce. Drinking something fruity. Being colorful space people.
This put us into risky situations. One day at Cecilys house. The last time I saw her. I saw her at the coffee shop. It’s her. She is alive. Then she got hurt again, but she was the main source of my pain. The abuse she endured. I was there. I was there. I saw. I didnʼt know what to do.
Im sorry. I scream.
Scream knowing that she was hunted and they destroyed her. I just sat there like helpless trash. The last time I saw her and Ashlee. They took me into a new house. Ive never been to this house. By this time in my life. I’ve been going to C Town with Hi-Y. I’m very young with no one but strange men. This as adult. If it was my child. If when I’m reading, I’m reading with my moms preceptive.
So now, I’m Lori mad.
Cecily dad was bad man. I never saw his face. She just said, stay away. I learned to listen to my friends. One of the boys around us, later in life went to jail for murder. I won’t say what he did. His name is Nathan R. In my head, he is why my friends disappear. We used to spend all our time on that same road. He did a very bad thing. Which I donʼt want to say. Last name, I can’t remember. He was 3-4 years older than Cec and Ash. I was like, this is not ok.
He is who introduced them to drugs. We were all of 10 when we started hanging with him. We used to sneak out of the house and meet him and friends. Then abuse happened. I just stood there with big old red haired man kissing on me. I just start crying. Then I pull away from him. Stand somewhere. This happened a lot. We always were running away to be with older boys. We grew up and those boys were bad. I grew up and wanted to make it better. When I was little girl, I would say What would Jesus do? That was what I would say. I’m 10 years old. By the time, we got to 13. It was awful.
I said, I’ll grow up. I’ll get the power of the world. I’ll find Cec. I’ll heal her. I’ll pull her from whatever darkness they had on her. I think Jesseʼs first girlfriend is Cec. Cec went from
Jesse to Jeremy. Jeremy and I hung out in and after high school years. Jeremy loved Cec. When she disappeared. He just lost his mind. Where did she go. I donʼt know. Thatʼs why he stayed close to me. Looking for her. Thatʼs the theme with me. You remind me of someone. This statement is always said to me.
I take the face of who want to see. Who you want me to be. Who you want me to be. I can’t see what you see. Thatʼs why every one is staring at my face studying. I can’t be who you need me to be. I say this when I need to heal. I have to detach from all sources of energy. I go inside.
It’s just a story. It’s just a dream. It’s not real.
I say, rocking back and forth in C-Town.
They will always keep me locked up. I decide how much freedom I want to have There are rules, that I was to follow. This is my disease. There arenʼt rules. You are free to be whoever you want. Be Stace. Take the keys. No, Stace wants to ride. I like to be driven. I like to look out the window. Dream dreams. New worlds.
Cec is Who I only ever saw once or in the shadows. Ive never wrote this because I wasnʼt here. My memories were with me. This is why I can remember. Cecily and Ashlee around the time I feel I went missing. Cecily and Ashlee told me how these middle aged men were going pick us up for an good time at 10pm meet time.
We did that stuff so much.
We would sneak out at The Lake, all of 10 years old. Then met older boys. It’s just everything My Mom would loss her mind over. I was the golden child. I never did anything wrong. I just sat in my seat. Ate my nutty buddy. Pass a waffle to my safe friends.
Listen to My Mom yell at everyone.
I mean that was all I saw. We were 10 years old. These older boys just torn apart my friends. I loss a lot of time at Ashlees house and my memory falls to Mikes farm. I used to drive past his road after leaving Ashless house. At times I donʼt think I left Ashless house. I feel like I stayed.
Then other Stacey went home to the addiction.
Which is why I remember the addiction stuff more. I waited years to be able to see the abuse of my friends. Who I wrote these terrible stories for adult me to read. I started to see alarming signs that I might have mind blocks because I wasnʼt there.
When I talked to Katie, Jacob, and Jesse in December 2020.
I was not Stacy Day. They all test me.
They ask questions only Stacy would know. The years it gets sadder. It might be what my mind did, but I think I’m two people. I need to be allowed to be two people. If I’m two people than I donʼt feel shame. I remember Stacy Day.
I think she was little girl lost at a hotel. Only to come visit. Then she disappeared again. Katie knows. I know she knows. I can feel it. After the hotel, I wasnʼt Stacy. I can go picture by picture of who I am in each photo. I know itʼs the thing my eyes do. I might be switching in and other with what my mind did to protect me from experiencing anymore pain.
What if its true. Let me try explain to why I think it could be. Everyone wants to know about conspiracy’s. You couldnʼt handle the truth. It’s far uglier than you could imagine. When you know there will be and always have been slaves. They just change faces.
I think human trafficking was complex.
That they thought they out smarted The Holy Grail. If I believe I am The Holy Grail, than I can defeat The Dark Lord. The head of The Snake. Who was behind the human trafficking. I wanted to use my clues. I think there is a good army put clues in music, television, in an way I can understand.
To slowly tell me who I am. The little girl lost.
I was Jon Be. This is what I thought or her story was what happened to me. Thinking they switched her. That she was
alive somewhere. This story needs to be healed inside of us all. It’s been our entire life with that and OJ. These stories are trauma induced. I donʼt like it. When I was hurt, her face became mine. The lost girl. I was her age, when I start running around by myself. This is dark and depressing. Yes, that is why Im sad I feel the pain of that little girl. Im experiencing that. I donʼt like how much they talk about her case. I think its too much.
Thatʼs why I wont be descriptive with my abuse. I donʼt want to be descriptive unless I have to be understood. I think David is my key. I think was drugged himself. I loss a lot of time with David at HIY retreats. We will be eating an plate given to me. Then foggy and wander off.
Where is Stace. This is repeated. There you are. This is why my mom fiercely holds my hands. She only does it for Stacy Day. She knows when I’m Stacey Sharp. She lets me go. This is why she was okay when I left. I was already gone.
I. The apple was the last time I was at school. I left with Jesse. They moved us at the same time. Stacey Sharp left with BJ. I look so weird at this time. Stacey Sharp is taller than me. She looks older than me, by years. I think she is 2 years older than me. I have different birth marker.
My Stacy Day birth marks arenʼt on Stacey Sharp. If the sun shines on my left hand, just like an stamp under a black light. It will reveal a shape. I used to tell me to check my neck. Stacy Day has a mark on her neck. Stacey Sharp didnʼt have it. Stacy Day has shorter legs. Stacey Sharp has bigger shoulders. I felt they put spells on me.
That I would just get up and move. Then the other me would start living my life. I feel I was at a breaking point of being switched. That I now understand to be disease. If I’m not crazy that is how it happened. I’m in the matrix and you can’t trust anything I say. It was long time ago.
I can’t say anything if I wasnʼt here. Just let some other girl be me. Noone will notice. We didnʼt. She was me and I was her. We just lost days, but every day is the space. I think they did this at Julies house, Cortney’s mom. Thatʼs why I was exhausted. Stacy Day was coming back more and more. I think Alex noticed my changes. Why does she look so different today.
Jesse. . .why does she not write the basement. I didnʼt remember, because Stacey Sharp wasnʼt there. I was. After the hospital, Stacey Sharp died. I was Stacy every day. Except now I can feel my disease that it could be in my head. Then worry they will do it again. I think I just created this narrative to help explain what its like to be in human trafficking.
When I felt like, Stacy Day was reborn and found. It was hunt to be inside of me. The Blessed Virgin Mary. This is likely some sex game with The J Boys. You want to flirt. Im going to convince you without a shadow of doubt, that I am The Bless Virgin Mary.
Everyday I investigated human trafficking. That I felt it was my lifes work. I didnʼt want my story to just be about boys. We get it. Not much to say. Except we are all time travelers with multi selves inside The Stacy Simulation. Thatʼs what I believe.
To feel Heaven, you have to be inside of me. Just thinking about what Heaven feels like will heal My Lost Boys. Ill understand that I was 17.. writing poems of being naked. I was always naked. I thought it was funny. It wasnʼt funny. I was like danger find me. Take me. Ruin my life.
I felt like they switched me from birth. That they were trying to find who would generate the most power. Would it be Jacobs ladder. No. He was my tragic lost soul. He was to help me find my lost girl.
He was the shadowy figure in my life, that knew the truth. Stacyʼs gone. I heard this. Katie would say it. Jacob did. If they didnʼt say. They thought it. I heard it. I was not Stacy. I need to be her, That was not me.
If you believe me. I can heal it. Even it itʼs not true. It’s this key to free me. I need that key to find me. It’s me dissociating with myself, to protect myself from my life.
I was here. My mind was lost. That is my lost girl.
Iʼm not buried underground. But I felt like I was. When you understand that I felt like I was. You hear me. I felt like I was. I felt like it was you or me situation. I had to fight or run. I had no one else to run to.
Karen, Meganʼs Mother is My Angel. She did all she could to protect us. She couldnʼt. The wolves came down to the fair. Hunting grounds. We were the deer. Then the renters. The
changing faces. The scary rooms. My soul was stuck inside of those changing apartments All of sudden I saw Meganʼs daughter.
When I feel like Megan was taken. She was pulled out of school because she got pregnant. I never saw her again. She was a lost girl. I was there. Often when the abuse happened, boys left me alone. I heard what they did to my friends. This is why I went driving all over the high school grounds. I felt our school was built and designed for the hunting grounds.
Using slave design.
The town was divided in race. In my time it was class. The haves and the have nots. What I wanted to do was show the haves wanted to help. They remembered me. They just want to help. How can we help you not fear us. I sipped my coffee with my tears. I did my best to show what would make it better.
They kissed all my boo boos for the trauma of yesterday. Then I could breathe easy. That Iʼm not in danger. It was just a dream. I would scream. It’s my way of protecting myself from being stuck inside of reality that isnʼt. This is big delusion for me. It’s why I did what I did. When itʼs at the end of my rope.
I stood on my feet and cried to Alex. Holding myself.Then things get better.
Alex was the look up guy. Girls are going to anything to get the best guy in town. It started when we were just cubs. Girls were trouble. I was the trouble that Alex wanted to get into. I knew it. I would destroy that sweet boy. I would never touch. I would dare to try. Knowing his Lion is going to break up the friendly chats. Too close.
It’s all in my head, but it makes a great read.
It’s not in my head. It was real. It was us. That little red face in his band coat. He just stays so focused on being a good man. I just had the honor to watch how he got all that goodness, it was his mom. He watched me walk when I lost my mom. He just ate his sandwich and said I am here. You wont ask, but Im here. Im always here. Im not going anywhere. Just put your head down and walk forward. Walk fast. I did. Just walk away.
When we were kids, it was a We are just talking. Nothing to see here. That never happen. But it did. Even if it didnʼt, thinking it so much as a kid makes it real. So let it be real for me. It brings me joy.
Thinking that I am joy for those of my past. When I feel like the good guys. That is the stories, you want someone to remember. The goods ones. When open page one of my good memories. It starts with Alex. I smile in the gentle smiles. Slight touches. Bouncing in a dark seat on a dark night with the troubled girl.
Wondering what she is listening to?
Maybe, you sat across the seat. Maybe, you jumped over a time or two. We made our plans. . .
“Listen, Alex, listen, hear me.ˮ
The Mr. President can I just get a moment. Then I slow my breathing all dramatic to really take in the moment. The wind chilled. Alex was going to get shiver down the spine. He found me. Then all of sudden, I remember.
It’s the strangest thing to feel. I know people believe me. It’s just all weird. It’s like all just a dream. I felt that pain of all my depressing myspace blogs. What up with Stace. Where did Stacy go. She isnʼt here anymore. Stacy donʼt get lost. Keep an eye out for Stace. When was the last time you saw Stacy. She isnʼt here. I donʼt know where she is. Have you saw her. Have you saw her.
Then people stopped looking.
I lived by where I went missing with Ash and Cec. Down the road with Mike. Who I felt owned me. Now, Mike likely did not own me. I just made this up. This comes from a real place of trauma. I felt that on very deep level. Hear me out in know Mike is a great man. He would honestly find this entire thing assuming.
Mike went above and beyond for Jeff and I. Which I think was his way of being a good guy. It’s just inside of my head, everyone wants something from me. I had to break that curse. Just allow myself to be loved for all that I am.
He just said this the years I lived with him. I would not wear a bathing suit around him. I would be full clothes. Stacey Sharp was always there. Stacy Day was close, but hidden. I felt it the first time we both lived near each other. Stacey is not me.
When she lived my life, I was someone else with some strange man. Mike living so close to Ashlee, I was like this haunting reminder of the abuse I experienced as a child. Why do you trigger me so bad. Could you be someone who hurt me as a child. I cant remember.
Why I feel at home with you. You have been a watchful eye. Mike was too much. I just got bad vibes. Mike saved me. I love Mike. I lived a very nice life. I think this is why Mike is so emotional about me. I think he feel like something I donʼt know.
He would just always try to fix Jeff and I. I would just sometimes why do you care so much. Whats in it for you. Why are you begging on your knees for our married to work. I was going back with Mom. Putting Stacy Day back with her wolve.
This would the first time that Stacy Day reunited with her Mom. Since, they died in 2006. I feel Mom and I died then. They put clones in while we are recovery. I think is a good lesson for recovery from anything. Die.
Donʼt be dramatic, just let who is holding you back die. This is inside of your head. It’s cutting chains in your mind. When I had enough in life. I snap. Im gone. The new me is back. Stacy Day. I have the mona lisa smile. I am the Code.
Nicolas Cage is clue that I am whatever movie was about. Unlocking my life will free lost kids. This is what I felt. I understand this is all in my head. I just had a lot abuse at the farm. I was abused different up the road at Ashlee.
Then Ashlee and Cecily disappeared from my life.
The last I saw them some guys were picking them up at the skating rink. I was scared of the plan. Begging my mom to come get me. She was mad. She was on those pills. I was all 13, yelling at her in the bathroom. Taking threw my teeth to not be heard. I was put in a lot of terrible situations of my childhood.
By the time I was 13 I had real reason we were be lost girls. Cec and Ash thatʼs how I spelled their names. Adult me didnʼt know who they were, because I didnʼt live that life. That wasnʼt my life. It’s why I had all that eye liner on. They kept cutting my hair crazy. It was to hid that I wasnʼt me.
Stacy Day is the same height is Tab.When Im Stacey Sharp Im way taller than Tab.
It’s weird.
This is mental.This is my wild mind to protect me.
I donʼt know if its just because I morph into a beast, so I become a beast. I feel there is Stacy Day and Stacey Sharp. Stacey Sharp is great, but she just aint me. There is only one Stacy Day.
I was Stacy Day atThe Mayo Clinic with My Mom.
I can tell.My legs. It’s in the legs.
Thatʼs what I see. My eyes look down at my lap. You seem different red riding hood. This was the story my sister Cheryl told me. I feel this might be me walking the shoes of my sisters life. She did live in human trafficking. I lived it with her. Just be nice to gentleman fancy. Wolves have to eat.
When I was kid, we did a lot of scary things. We were 10 meeting men and disappearing. One of our abusers later in life was charged in the death of child. Which I think I absorb this story because he was Ash boyfriend. He was trouble. He did all kinds of terrible things. She was gone.
If you went to call her. Sorry she isnʼt here.
We donʼt know where she is.
We didnʼt have myspace or facebook. We had to call around. Then stop calling. Ash moved to Athens. They say. We just proofed one day. She didnʼt move away. She would have told me. She would have called me. I never heard from her or Cec after I called my mom in a bathroom. Begging to be picked up.
I sometimes donʼt know if that happened or heaven is protecting me of knowing the truth. That when I did go lost. I
had dreams of Gail. Giving me clues. I often wondered if it was an experiment. My Mom came and picked me up. I was like thanks a lot. She was like what.
I was like,
“Cec and Ash are meeting middle aged men at the skating rink to do what they should not be doing. I did not want to go missing tonight mom, so Im sorry to stop the party but Im about to be kidnapped.ˮ
She cried, because I likely said it just like that. There are times that I feel like that other girl came home. That they heard me and took to the basement. Cec and Ash were all weird about the basement. This house was so weird. I was so uncomfortable. I was trying my best to avoid the wolves. I had to watch them getting abused.
Cec dad was hiding or something. Didnʼt want bothered. Cec was gone. She was my best friend in the entire world. She showed up at the coffee shop, but I donʼt know if that Cec. Sure they say it is, but I know my own. Cec was destroyed by this town. I found Ash, but it wasnʼt her.
IF it was she was controlled by a controlling guy that wouldnʼt let her have Facebook. I think some of these people are just simulation of clues. I trust nothing. Cec and Ash disappeared. They were taken. I believe that. Its likely because they left my life. No one was talking. It’s weird. We went every day in each other’s lives. Then boom. Nothing.
These are the questions I had to answer. Where did they go. I think Bekah thinks I’m Trish. An girl that died when I feel I went missing. Around the same time. Bekah had an friend in greenfield. She died without answers to why. I met Beckah when I was Stacey, not Stacy. Stacy was gone, at this point. I think believe I came back at Stacy to experience 2006 and my deflowering.
They let me be free, but still watched me. Bekah used to break down about it. Bekah house was black out periods. I would wake up in weird rooms not feeling like Stacy. Her dad was some powerful man. The house was right on the highway. I spent a lot of time there.
Bekah cant look at me. She thinks Im Trish. She isnʼt the only one. Its always you look just like... I just saw you. You may be The Blessed Virgin Mary. I likely come to save you or be a guide. Why I’m so connected to angels and heavenly messages because I believe I am Heaven.
I am what God made heaven for.
That God missed me so much. That he built Heaven. The help of Jesse building one song by one song. I think Jesse is gone, like Cec and Ash are. I donʼt need to have this meeting with who I think are clones. I cant feel your soul.
I donʼt think any doubts that I feel in a way that is beyond. I can hold you and know you are who you are. I know you are insert lost person in my life. It might all be dream and something my mind did to me. Believe me in knowing, I think my friends disappeared the night Cec and Ash were my entire life.
We all looked the same. Then there was a new me. I just didnʼt fit who I am. I think and know that we experienced a level of abuse that is too dark to say. They are gone. I search for them. They are Alice. Im always looking for the blonde girls. Our hair changed. My mom was changing our hair to make it curly. She was trying to change our appearance to not be spotted. My Mom was very abused by Donny. It was awful. I donʼt dare to say it out loud.
Mom wanted to know whats wrong with Stace. The boyfriend of Ash was Nathan R. Google him. Go away. Ill wait. I donʼt want to read it. He was bad man. He hurt Ash. I cant find her. All these years. She never reaches out. I wondered if the family would tell me. They would have I was there everyday. I lived with Ash when I was all of 8-10 years old.
It started in The SECOND Grade. I can just see it so clearly. By the time we were 13. We message some guy on our broken in devices. Strange man arrives. Gives up a ride. We were always forgotten. I was little kid. We just walk miles. Meet some guy. Then things go black. When you come too. Its just all a big blur. I was the one girl that was not okay with it. I barked everyone away, because I loved Jesus. This is what childhood diary told me about myself at this time in my life.
I loved Eric and Jesus.
Ash and Cec everyday. Then nothing. Gone. Cec was my sister. Why didnʼt her mom say anything. Her “Momˮ came to the coffee shop. Not her mom. I think that why I am this show. It’s because they know Im The Holy Grail. When I came to and understood what happened to me. Put the clues together. It was illuminati all the bad in the world.
Just one story. My story is many others. It just have never been heard. I know I should calm down. I am calm. I know that I am Heaven. Ill be with all my friends inside of wonderland. If they are okay. Thatʼs okay too. I know Im mentally ill. I have a lot of issues. It might all sound crazy. Just hear me out.
Chase the white rabbit. Learn the codes.
If you donʼt want to see. Donʼt look. Im turning the page. Im Stacy Day. No one is hunting me or my child. We are safe. I am well and wonderful. I just like writing. I need to sit up. Ive watched so much tv. I am fine. I need to get some stuff off my chest. When I do. Ill just start feeling better.
TO Me Cec and Ash are gone. I think Megan is not Megan. I donʼt know her, because we arenʼt kids anymore. I donʼt recognize them, because we arenʼt kids anymore. The ones Ive know throughout life, I cling to guide me.
I get scared. I get very scary. Itʼs a real fear.
That I still do. I try to not be scared. I am always waiting for the knock on the door. Im that little girl again. Watching
Cec and Ash slowly fading. Did Nathan do something to her. She just vanished.
I donʼt believe thatʼs Ashlee I met because I have spies. They use the internet to get access to me. Im Tony Stark. I have to hid. This is what I believe. That Im the most powerful thing the world has ever seen. I feel like I proved that part of the story. I knew that when they set up The Apple Moment in my story.
I knew that I was going to find Ash and Cec. That is who Im looking for. I never not looked for them. Cec has a facebook, but I donʼt think its her. I believe Im not Stacy Day all the time. The other me is my Evil Twin. That wants to destroy my life. She does. It’s exhausting rebuilding. Itʼs the theme. I think they want me to be in pain because pain is power.
If I The Holy Grail experience bad. You will feel hell on earth. If I create peace for the past, that it will bring peace. Creating Heaven on earth. The Blessed Virgin Mary is what God made heaven for. Her beauty was so beautiful that he created Heaven. I was in Heaven. I felt Jesse made me Heaven while I remembered.
Then the curtain pull to reveal he is a lost boy. Staying forever young. I couldnʼt find him or reach him because he is gone. I know they sent me some guy that looked more like Nelson than Jesse to have this big Park meeting. That wasnʼt us. It’s was Stacey Sharp, not me. Then Jesseʼs, not him.
This is what I felt. Jesse just is always there for me. Then all of sudden it was gone. We made up. Then he reached out. That was Jesse. Jesse was mid 20ʼs and was still slim. Jesse
in the park, eyeroll he said he got to 300 pounds. I know dogs grow, but Jesse and Jeff were slim guys.
I think they switched Jeff back and forth. I can tell in pictures. The same with Jesse. Jesses faces changes because its not Jesse. This likely because he left my life.
TO ME, he is a lost boy.
Thatʼs why I write. That where he is. It will reach him. Thinking I have better luck to get The Heavens to do something about it. Then a picture. It’s just not Jesse, I am sorry. I can tell who my puppies are. You can sniff them out.
TO ME... Jesse left when Cec and Ash left or around The Basement. I feel we never left The Basement. That they locked us away and just watched us. Switching me back and forth with Jeff. When I wasnʼt with Jeff. I was with Jesse.
This donʼt feel all that bad. . .
In my head Im just with Jesse. The same with Josh P and Johnny. That they switched us in and other. Like Josh P. is a lost boy. Thatʼs not him. Then it will be. Then its not. I see him. His wife is like this is Josh P. Im like ummm no it is. Thatʼs not him.
TO ME... He disappeared in Wilmington at Shannons house. Bad stuff happened there. She drugged him. I think she drugged us all. We were out of our mind. It wasnʼt just alcohol. It’s hard to remember this, because I was so destroyed on whatever was given to me.
I didnʼt do drugs.
If you wanted me to be high. They would drug me. If I was drugged. I was more willing to do what was excepted for me to do. I think they drugged Josh P and I. Get up to do stuff. Sometimes it was Stacy, then it was Stacey. Creating duality. One is Heaven and One is Hell. This is why people are scared of me. When Im Hell, you aint Stacy. My loved one echo to me. I know.
I had to Kill that person. I had to do. I starved her resources when I was in the hospital. I gave her no nutrients. I melted her into neverland. Then Stacy Day came back. This is very real for me. I know it sounds insane. It’s real for me. I have to walk around it to understand what in the fuck. I know it sounds crazy. Follow the rabbit. Take the red pill. Maybe not here. Maybe not this dimension. Maybe in another realm of what could be going on. All together, it makes you take a step back. Am I a little girl trapped in a basement. Or is the basement in my head.
I was not Stacy at Thanksgiving. Stacy is short. I stood above My Uncle Jerry. My string on my shirt it was lifted. Katie told me. Someone was picking up my string. This would be my clue to chase the rabbit. Wheres Stacy. She never came home after The Basement. She was gone. She was gone for wild. Maybe, one weekend a month she would come back. Then she was gone. Everyone missed me. It was sad. Where is stacy. Thinking that Im mentally somewhere else.
TO ME... I was someplace else.I was being held somewhere with Ash and Cec. That is why I felt.
I donʼt know if My mind is tricking me.
TO Me... its true.
I’m only explaining. I know that if I get too far into the rabbit hole. I’m back at the hospital. I just want to explain. Understand it all real to me. I close my eyes. I’m there. I’m walking these roads. I’m there. Unlocking suppressions opens up what adult me can identify as abuse. Have the words to understand.
Ash and Cec might be gone.
We won’t ever know the truth. You can tell me the truth and Ill nod and pretend like I agree so you can be right I can just be crazy. This is familiar. I just always like, I think Jesse will get this. Then I was like, one better Alex.
He has to walk around looking at stuff. I think he might just take some longer looks at stuff. Where did Cec go? Everyone asked me. I’m donʼt know. . . the last time I talked to her some random middle aged man was going to come pick her up for a time with friends. This was not a new thing. It started when we were 10 years old. If not younger. The older we got, the worse it got. They always bring the friends. Someone for everyone. This is when I just stand frozen. I couldnʼt do what they did.
This is The Matrix. It was at The Matrix when they had 18 year old boys with 13 year old girls. At Stars Cinema. Which they recently tore down. It was haunted. Goodbye. I’ll build a better one. They always put some guy on me. I just got up and
went to Lizzie McQuire. That was my story. I was over being put in those situations.
The thing is people think I’m the bad one. I am not. Katie was way worse than me. She was just the sweet heaven. I loved Katie. I hope love falls on her in the ways she needs.
I donʼt even think Katie knows these stories. I tried to move away from my storyline with Cec and Ash. Katie and Ash are the same person to me.
Leading up to my big breakdown.I’m in flashback.Speeding through every bad thing thatʼs ever happen to
me. I was just over it. I had to go inside. Renew.
Telling The Story of Cec and Ash. It will be remembered. That was who I was trying to save. Thatʼs what I am always trying to do. I think I’m some warrior princess.
It was weird, back then with my friends. We did this all the time. I was so scared that night. The last night I saw Cec and Ash. I shake thinking about it. I didnʼt remember until I went to the hospital. I knew if I was like people who are believed to be alive are likely stolen in human trafficking and random kids are living their life as their evil twin to create simulation of Hell.
This sounds insane.
I cant say things like this. So Ill hold my tears and say Im fine. Nothing going on with me. Im not thinking of anything but rainbows and suns. Then just all at once, I remember crying the phone with my mom. Then nothing. Other me was with her in the car ride home.
This is likely all my disease.
Just my mind splitting. Maybe after trauma, I turned off. I became a person who could fight for me. I just went inside my head. Stayed Alice. Looking for her friends. I write these books that it might help them find me. That Im a beacon for me. They will come back to me. They never do. Jesse stays away so I cant see his face.
TO HIM... Im gone. His Stacy was gone.
That is how they say. The Stacy they loved was gone. The boys I loved were gone. Now this can all be trauma taking them. Or we could be a simulation. Inside my simulation I can find some resolution to why I never saw my friends again. Boom... they are gone.
Just like that. Thatʼs how fast people come in and out of your life. Never really feeling real. This is why I cling to Jacob. He feels real to me. I think he is immoral and changes. I think he dies and comes back life. I think he lives my life. Understand the pain of dying.
When I was little kid, you didnʼt feel when you died. The older you get you feel it. My Uncle Jerry can tell if Im Stacy. There she is. I think that these other people are to protect me from experiencing too much trauma.
TO ME.. that is what I think happens.
Jesse can be this cruel terrible person to me. I just would not allow myself to believe that was who he was. I heard the heaven that was around me. I was walking in hell. Trying to find his lost souls. Jesse was just here. Then he was gone. Never to be seen.
Thatʼs why I threw an apple at his face. It wasnʼt Jesse anyway. Jesse was already gone. Jesse would never let me suffer like a dog. His evil twin, maybe. We said this. Thats her Evil Twin. She didnʼt do that it was her Evil Twin. I felt like it was clue. What if we all had Evil Twins. Why we all changed so much. Why we couldnʼt find each other. Katie is gone. Her eyes are not there. I think Katie lives inside of me. She was little girl lost.
We donʼt see each other because if we did. We would know that she was not her. I was not me. We are soul sisters. I can tell on our faces. This is why I destroyed all of our old pictures. It felt like I was programmed by evil to destroy the evidence. If I looked back with clear eyes. I would see the changing of faces.
Now... trauma changes you. Katie just boom... gone.
Out of my life. Yes we fought. We were just beyond fights. Evil me pushed her away. She just disappeared. I felt she was gone. I felt she was lost girl. Same with David. David did what he did. It was a primal time in everyones life. I felt like there was set up at houses to watch the kids be kids. I always felt hunted and watched.
TO ME... Katie died on the mountain in Hocking.
Someone said, I was Trish. They just looked at me and cried. Thatʼs Trish. Thatʼs Trish. Shannon took us up this mountain. It was den of nothing but hungry wolves. Katie and I would have been 16. She walked away. Someone else walk back.
She was abused in a car by some friend of Shannons. Katie disappeared. Her hair changed. Her body changed. I knew Katie like the back of hand. She was my soul. The lost of Katie is the loss of my soul. It’s that serious.
When I talk to her it doesnʼt feel like her. All these messages for years. Everyone is quiet. Maybe because we grew up or they are gone. They donʼt say anything back, because they gone. They are lost kids. Now, I know its because life is hard.
But... I just got to this point of everyone being like whats wrong, stace. Where did you go. I just felt like the repeated words, it was deep mystery.
Feeling like uncovering my story. Ill shine a light of the very real truth of what is actually going on. I wanted to get it off my chest so that way I could live. Keeping silent about
what I thought. It was killing me. I was always holding this in. Thinking no one would believe me. They donʼt, but It was nice to be heard. I just needed to be heard that I was very young. I was very hurt. I was very lost. I created people to protect me from the very real abuse I was enduring. Believe me or not. Makes you wonder, donʼt it.
When Im Stacy Day. I write faster. I was better. You can understand it. You can feel it.
Because I was there. That other me, wasnʼt there. She destroyed all my pictures of my lost friends. The ones I have left donʼt even look like them. Making me only remember The Evil Ones. I started to destroy the memory of the evils ones. I donʼt want to remember.
This could be the version of the monster who of who they were. The face of my trauma giver. This why I forgive. It wasnʼt them. It was some other version of Us. I think Jacob believes it. Thatʼs why he is so freaked out about it. I have never not been a little right about him.
What if that is the deal. This thing in the middle of us. He is the only one from my childhood that has stayed with me. Why I like to be real close to his face. Are you Jacob. I think they did something to him prison. This is like absorbing his trauma.
TO ME... He didnʼt come out.
Then he will come back. Why Im kind of always about to cry around him. He wont be him. It’s my up close look in my adult life of us changing. Sometimes, he is Jacob then is isnʼt.
Thatʼs the other Jacob. We donʼt like each other. Then Jacob will appear. I see him in real life.
When I became a adult. I didnʼt see my friends anymore. I only ever saw Jacob. When I did. He was Jacob. I was Stacy. I would remember who I was. It would be us. Then high school memories would come back. Before I am taken, It was Erin T telling me about Jacob on the phone.
I think Jacob first big time was to picture of my face because he kind of made it seem like that but doesnʼt say anything to protect himself from being honest. He was Jacob after he came back from Texas. Now, he isnʼt. He is gone again.
When he comes back, he will come find me. I donʼt want to be around him, if he is gone. I know this is my disease. It’s like Jacob just being there for me when I do change. Jesse not showing his face, is because its not Jesse face. He was hit so much to distort his face, so you couldnʼt tell it wasnʼt him.
I thought this is why they went for My Sons face. In my head, that they wanted inside of Dannyʼs mind. Bad people not anyone in the story. That faceless people wanted to hurt Danny. This is where this comes from. This is why I lost my mind. I was 10 years old, trying to protect him. Thatʼs all.
To take him like I felt Jesse and I were taken. I know this is just delusion. I know. I promise you. I know.
I believed it. I just have to get to why.
I was scared of me more than you ever know. I knew it was just going to get spun on me. I was just hold up wait a minute. Im in stuck in 2006. When I went missing. Ash and Cec went before me. I was not going let you hurt me.
Let the lesson David tell you.
The boy almost died in that park. He might have. David did not go easy. If it came for me again. I was drugged. I would be like just a drink. Then boom... wild animal of what is happening. I think I was given drugs by likely my sisters maybe. I donʼt know. It just seems like that.
Then I would open up for the room of men I was put in why Shannon. Shannon was the sheep herder and the drug haver. Cheryl at the time as the sun. She didnʼt drink or do drugs at that time in my life. She would go away too. Then Evil Cheryl was there.
I felt we all were being switched in and out in some big simulation. This is likely just identifying duality at the core of who are. That everyone is okay, we are just exhausted. If its all just a dream. Then itʼs a nightmare. Im always searching for my lost friends. This is all I do. I look and look.
I knew that Jacob would understand. He was gone. He lived after his cancer. I felt him. He was there. I know it was him. I sniff his mouth. This is my wolves. Snap my fingers and he stands behind me. He didnʼt always come when I snapped. I knew it wasnʼt him. They were switching him.
Putting him in these situations in his youth to being at the top of union. I felt like was Mike. Did Jacob buy me. The invisible price tag, I felt I wore. No, he did not. He does not want me. Just a penny for my thoughts type of love.
I felt like at times, Jacob was. . . She is mine. I own her.
I want him to own me. I very much want it.
Thatʼs why they want his this painful own me. I like it. I cant say I donʼt. It’s my love language. The reason why this is my love language to feel so much pain from experience love is that to be love in any kind is to be completely own.
TO have complete ownership of what my love feels like. I’m exhausted from thinking. From figuring it out. That I want someone to order me around. I think this is my sexual suppression. In the same breath, I can’t allow someone power over me. Except I want someone to have power over me. Jacob is just the exact grip of pain, that set my dial of here I stay. The pressure felt with only a look.
If Im The Blessed Virgin Mary. My Love is Heaven.
Jacob turning My Hell into Heaven. That was the warm in my cup.
It’s the most powerful drug. Which is why they hide it in an unattractive woman. Stacy Day is beautiful. She is a vision. Stacey, has a jacked up face. The real ones just know. Most of the real ones are gone.
Emily gone. She disappeared. Allie is here. She just looks different. When I see her. I feel her. Alison is gone. I see her sometimes, but she is gone. Katelynn looks different. Nina looks fine. Chelsea is gone. Beckah is gone.
What I felt like that human trafficking that took me. Switching me. Who took Cec and Ash. That they did it with all my friends. We were Fire Friends, because we all burned along time ago. We were just memories. I only had a short window of time to tell my side of the story of the disappearance of Stace.
Hear me, that I know its likely all delusion.
To me. . . Im chasing down the people who took Cec and Ash. Im hunting who took Jesse. Im trying to break into Uncle Charlies Basement. A stones throw from Jesseʼs Basement. The entire thing was simulation to abuse me for my entire life, it the most wild way. I cant believe this. I stay lost. I donʼt want to be lost. Ill just keep typing.
Thatʼs why I wont send Jacob my story. That aint Jacob. I think Jessica notices too. Whats up with Jacob. Why he is just light and air. Then bang. Oh god, you are scared. It’s not Jacob. It might just be his Wolve or it is that he might be someone else internally.
I kind of need him to validate that he donʼt always feel okay in the head all the time. Not growl at me for what I already know he experiences. He is the only thing real in my simulation. When we first kissed. I know that was not us. The
second time I think it was. It’s just it is C Town and My Trauma. Thatʼs why I’m so nervous.
A Church and Hotel. It’s The Stacy Show.
Jacob and I. . . Tap. Tap. Tap. The story continues to write itself.
