WHO?

- Who was I before they got to me?

No one, really. Just like the rest of you out there: pretending to be the soul of the party, when in fact you’re just another shy kid, waiting for the best part of your life to begin, when it’s obviously way too early for that. Drinking too much, not having any idea how to dance, but doing it anyway; trying to be a better child, a better student...a better person; you know what I mean, eating healthier, going to gym, pretending that I know life is going to get better, but being aware that’s not going to happen any time soon.

Hard, isn’t it? That is what we all do, pretend. That is what everything revolves around, pretending. That is what, somehow, everybody is exceling at, without even trying nor learning how to do it; pretending. Quite sad I would dare to say...sad, but exhilarating. Being able to be someone else; talk different, act different, move different, even smile different. Can you believe it? SMILING!! The most natural form of expression, can be faked. Intriguing! This 7-letter verb provides you with a opportunity that no one else, no one in this world can give to you. So much power, given so easily to something, that at first sight may seem irrelevant, small, harmless; but you see, that is the beauty of things: you never know what’s hiding below surface. You just need to decide if it’s worth digging or not. Me, personally, I’ve always been the kind of person that believed there is more than what meets the eye and I’ve always started digging without any precautions. Going deeper and deeper each moment. Craving the bottom of it. Giving all of me, all my sweat, all my heart, without thinking - not even for a second - that all the mud I threw aside might come back crushing me. Burying me. Leaving me surrounded by dead particles and cold matter.

“I am afraid that I don’t quite understand all these metaphors.”

No matter! I was getting on to a side track. Where were we?

“Who w..”

Oh yeah, who was I? I didn’t really answered your question. The truth is I don’t recall anything before that...

“You keep referring to it by that. Perhaps you can try to define it?”

Well, you are not quite specific either, calling my problem “it”. This is the truth, right? I do have a problem.

“I’d rather call it, an inconvenient.."

Huh! Inconvenient...hmm! Fancy word! Like I said, the power some people invest in certain words is...Well, let’s just say I find this interesting. This problem...sorry, inconvenient, is what changed things for me. You need to understand that my reality switched in a second. Everything I knew or believed in was, just, gone...like a distorted image. A parallel reality. It seemed like I still knew everything and everyone, but at the same time, nothing and no one. I was still me, but not really. Do I make any sense?

“I think so, but what I don’t seem to understand is the cause of it, I mean the cause of your inconvenient.”

You mean, who did this to me...

“You said that someone got to you and then you changed. So, naturally, I take into consideration the possibility that those people might be what - to use one of your metaphors - pressed the switch button. ”

Very well! *smiles* I think we start to see eye to eye. However, after all this years, I can’t seem to blame them anymore. Perhaps I just came to an understanding with myself, that I need to take whole responsibility for what happened and stop blaming everyone else for what, can just as well, be my mistakes.

“You know, there is a very fine line between taking responsibility and taking the blame. It’s all about perspective. But before we draw that line and come to a conclusion, why not tell me a story. You can begin with the first moment you realized something was different about you.”

Weren’t you supposed to tell me that it’s not my fault and that I need to hate the ones who did this to me, because, otherwise I’ll just hate myself and I deserve better than that??

“You, yourself, as much as anyone else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

Are you seriously quoting Buddha to me?

“I can’t comfort you with these optimistic pieces of advice because I still don’t know what happened. I need to hear it first and then I’ll decide whose fault is it.”

Alright. Alright. Fair enough...ready for the story of my teenage years? You can expect cheesy and weird and childish moments; but, after all, we have all been there.

*nods*

Can I have a glass of water first? Talking about it makes me kind of...

“Nervous?”

Oh no, not at all. I am way past that phase. It makes me feel...numb; Not the most appropriate word, but it makes me thirsty.

“It’s called anxiety. It causes dry mouth - therefore the thirst- by sending fluids away from your mouth and sending it to the areas of your body that need it, or by increasing acids in your stomach that may contribute to a loss of saliva."

I am pretty sure I'm not anxious. I think I'll know better how I feel, don't you?

"How about you let me diagnose you. That is why I am here, isn't it?"

Fine, whatever. You do your job and I'm just going to pour my heart out. Is that how it's supposed to work?

"I'll get you some water and then we'll begin."

*smiles*