Conversion

“Hey, I’m home!” I called out as I walked into the front door and tossed my backpack onto the floor with a loud thud.

“Alice, if that's you, I'm back here!” called out my dad.

“I hope you went grocery shopping because I am starving,” I said as stepped into my dad’s office. “I’ve been surviving on trail mix and instant noodles for a week.”

“Yes, yes,” muttered my dad, not bothering to look up from his notes.

“Um, aren’t you going to ask me about my trip?” I said, trying not to let the hurt I felt show in my voice.

“Oh, right,” said my dad, his eyes bleary as he looked up at me. “How was it?”

“Pretty good. Had a lot of fun, got to see a lot of cool things,” I said. “It’s just on the bus ride back home, Billy Greenfield kept turning around in his seat so he could try to look up my skirt. God, he’s such a creep!”

“Oh wow,” said my dad, his eyes going wide with excitement. “THow exciting!”

“Huh?” I said, confused.

“In fact, it’s perfect!” said my dad. “A male trying to get a look at a female’s genitalia is a prime indicator of a healthy heterosexual sex drive.”

“Jeez, Dad!” I said, my cheeks burning with embarrassment.

“That is exactly the kind of response I’ve been looking for,” said my dad. “I’ve been compiling a list of triggers that could activate the mating instinct in men.”

“Oh, yeah,” I said. “I remember you mentioning this before I left. The gay conversion thing, right?”

“Yes, exactly,” said my dad, nodding. “Those bastards at the NIH laughed when I applied for a grant, said I was crazy. Ha! What do they know? Any behavior can be changed if you apply the correct stimuli. That’s basic science!”

“I don’t know,” I said, speaking softly so as not to trigger him. “I was always told that some people are just born gay.”

“No, that’s where you’re wrong!” said my dad, once again getting that excited gleam in his eyes. “Every male has a built-in instinctual drive to mate and reproduce with a female. In a gay man, something in their development caused that instinct to fall dormant. But with the right trigger, I am sure I can reactivate it!”

“I don’t know. I suppose...” I said. “Why are you even interested in this, anyway? I thought you were working on your water-powered engine.”

“Meh!” said my father, a sour expression briefly flitting across his face. “I put that aside until I can get the money for some better equipment.”

“I take it you got some funding for the gay conversion thing then?” I said.

“Yes!” said my dad, his eyes lighting up. “As it turns out, there’s this organization called the Adam and Eve Foundation. I mean, yeah, they’re run by a group of religious zealots, but they’re loaded! They got wind of my idea and advanced me the funding for a study with no questions asked. Those bureaucratic boneheads at the NIH could learn a thing or two from them.”

“Oh,” I said. “That’s great, I suppose. So, uh, what are the parameters of the study?”

“It’s fiendishly simple,” said my dad, a big grin on his face. “I recruited six gay men and I’m exposing them to various stimuli to try and awaken their heterosexual instincts.”

“Ah,” I said, not quite following. “Like what kind of stimuli, exactly?”

“I put together a video of carefully crafted images and sounds specifically designed to trigger their natural biological urges,” said my dad, paging through his notes.

“Um, what kind of images and sounds?” I said.

“Oh, you know, images of female genitalia, sounds of females having a climax, that sort of thing,” said my dad.

“Oh,” I said, trying not to squirm as I stood there.

“You see here? On my last iteration, some of the subjects achieved a 10% hardness,” said my dad, pointing at a graph. “That may not sound like much to you, I know, but no one has ever come close to achieving results that good before.”

“Um, what do you mean, ‘hardness’?” I said.

“Oh,” said my dad, using a matter-of-fact tone. “You know, penile erection.”

“Woah,” I said, my eyes going wide. “You’re measuring how hard their dicks get?”

“In layman’s terms, yes,” said my dad, frowning. “But then, for some reason, the numbers dropped off during the last round of testing. I just can’t figure out what went wrong.”

“Um, Dad, I hate to even ask this,” I said. “But, um, how exactly are you getting those measurements?”

“Oh, it’s simple,” said my dad. “I have the subjects line up naked, and then I visually watch to see if they become aroused.”

“Woah!” I said.

“There is a scientific device called a penile plethysmograph that would deliver more accurate results,” said my dad. “But I just don’t have the funding for that kind of equipment yet, so I had to make do. But I assure you the results are all perfectly viable.”

“Sure, sure,” I said, an image of my father bent over to peer at a bunch of naked guy’s cocks stirring up a strangely powerful mix of emotions inside of me.

“I’m on the cusp of a breakthrough, I just know it,” cried my dad, shaking his fists. “If I can just show the foundation some tangible results, they’ll give me as much funding as I want.”

“Well...” I said. “And I don’t know if this is a good idea or not, but I was thinking maybe the problem is that you’re not engaging all the senses.”

“What do you mean?” said my father, his brow furrowed.

“I mean, visuals and sounds are part of what, ahem, triggers arousal,” I said, my cheeks growing warm. “There’s also things like scent. I heard that the way a person smells can have a very powerful effect.”

“Oh my god, yes! You’re right!” said my dad, excitedly jumping to his feet. “Pheremomes, of course! Why didn’t I think of it? Yes, yes, yes! Olfactory triggers might be the missing key.”

“And, um, also touch,” I said, nervously tugging at a lock of my hair.

“Yes, yes. My original plan was to give my subjects a fully immersive experience,” said my father, rapidly writing down notes for a moment before pausing, a dejected look on his face. “Alas, I just didn’t have have the funding to hire a female subject. I looked into it when designing my experiment, but the cost of hiring a prostitute was shockingly exorbitant.”

“Prostitute?” I said with a gulp.

“Where else can you find a woman that would be willing to try and get a group of men sexually aroused?” said her dad with a sigh. “I got some very closed-minded responses when I asked around at the local colleges for volunteers, even though I told them it was for a scientific experiment.”

“Some people just don’t get it,” I said, shaking my head. “It’s not you're doing some kind of lewd or perverted thing, right? I mean, it’s to advance scientific research.”

“Yes, exactly,” said my father, nodding. “But the only females I could find who were willing to do it wanted to charge me an absolute fortune. Oh well, it’s no use. I’ll just have to try and think of something else.”

“Um, well...” I said, my pulse racing. “If you want, I mean, I could maybe help you out.”

“Really?” said her dad, his eyes lighting up.

“I mean, I am a female,” I said, my cheeks growing a bit warm.

“You would do that? Oh, that’s wonderful!” said my dad.

I stood there as my dad wrapped his arms around me in a tight bearhug. I was having a lot of conflicting emotions about volunteering for the project, but I was tired of seeing my father fail.

He had always been the epitome of a mad scientist, brimming with excellent ideas but unable to convince others to give him the time and money to prove it. But maybe with my help, this time he would finally succeed.

“All those fools who said it couldn’t be done are gonna be eating crow when I prove them wrong,” said my dad with a triumphant grin. “I can’t wait to see their faces!”