Black

Black.

It said the creators of the language never had me in their stories. A girl too real they thought will never succeed. The first thing people notice about me is my skin. Which was why the creators had me carved into lines so much so that acting became a brand.

Raw.

It is sad though, I've always worn a mask, some say am even sculpted by a God to fit the definition of perfection. Hah. Hah. One day my story flipped along with my brand. Now you need to remember it was all an act. So beautiful, so dumb.

This queen acting big got her baloon deflated? Hah. Wow. So that day they saw me without a mask. Yes. No passwords, no acting. The tv host stands up and adresses the audience then says and welcome the top best startup founder in the world.

Caremre.

I take a step. Now you know been broken can take you places. Well at least in mine it did. So I take a step. Act. Think. And lastly behaviour. I wave and bounce all happy and elated.

The roar is so loud, screaming sensations of happiness, adoration and respect. The host stands up and shakes my hand. I have never been out of my world and company ;Africa. So on the newspapers no one has ever given me a handshake, I always decline.

Caremre he says again. It's so warm, so loving. Like I am more than human, like I have reached a pinnacle only people like me reach. I smile. I don't smile. Never. He smiles back. I smile again. You are on of the top percent in the world. What makes you unique.

I smile and point to my head. Intellect. 1,050,000 hours into intelligence, creativity, learning how to master the power of my mind. I also went to mit. It took a lot of hard work, training, being mentored to arrive at this equation. It took a lot of challenges. I say brushing that one off.

Your company Africa which is known by every human literally in this world what can you say about that is there. Story behind this company Africa. I smile.

Then like a light bulb I make a decision to speak what was on my mind.

I had my heart broken into pieces. I took the failure and turned it into a story.

He smiles. Beautiful. It comes as a whisper filled awe and admiration. He looks at me. Well the audience, your fans want you to create a live vlog to share your story.

Beautiful right?

That's beautiful, beautiful because he repeated that. I said that. The world thought that. I became that.

Yes I do want to share my story. I say. I am always busy and each press meeting is strictly because I am paid millions for each minute. I smiled and excused myself. I had something that work on I say that's what I always said. The work itself was like poetry to me. I could work. I could be happy. I missed Aaybz. You see I loved it just faded... As the scars on my head.

I enter the room and then I start to prepare the files. My brand made voice overs. I am so sorry apart from being black in both genes and skin color. I was beautiful. The most broken part of me had that transformation of turning my voice into a silvery piece of explosion of perfection never to be heard. The scariest thing was no one told me. I was hidden like this piece of ember that should not and most definitely could not spread and burn. So one day I just appeared and I just set flames to the world with a voice. They called me the girl with the silvery voice.

I had a lot of skills I could heal with my voice. So I changed young girls stories. Yes we live in a world we wore mask on our faces, lives etc. for me when my colors left i was simply a girl who worked with hackers to help make their dreams come true. I will sometimes listen to the young girls crying on love. Change themselves and wait for men fit to put them on pedestals. I was like a genie that changed the young Muslims and non Muslims. What was life after all without living. For some reason I pick up a camera and sigh.

To the world I was just too perfect. What if I told you then that I missed a part of my story. The part were I flip this story and tell you words from the embers of my hearts.

Black?

That's what my mom wondered. That her last born was a daughter, healthy and just... well black. My mom infact wondered why she gave birth to me. In her diaries she wrote she was wasting her time even writing about me. I was not like any of her kids. I was not born fair like my father or her. I was not great at anything worth shouting out for. I was too caremre. My early experience stories went like this. The room looks at the striking color and beauty of my mom and is awed by her beauty and then in excitement to see what she bore then goes. Black. She is black. Their eyes will go from happiness to utter disappointment.

I was always bullied too because I was too unfortunate. Whole my parentsvwho were top best in their lives. I was a fat, unlucky person to attract bullies who just well hated my face. I was born a daughter of sons and daughters of established warriors and champions. So as a kid inspiration after inspiration. Then, motivation after motivation and then act after act was zapped off me. What do you know about been seen. All eyes on you. They see the product of what they created. You. Truly you.

I looked at the viewfinder to the world. I start to cry.

Black. My name is Caremre this is a beautiful story being heard, being listened but not so good being a victim. And so my story from the viewfinder to the world. I say. I might say some words not fit to be said but I must tell you the truth must be uttered. For words I convey from the embers of my soul. I loved my parents. A love that I admit was rocky. I loved and hung on waiting with full effort and authenticity but never appreciated. One day I will find out life was all about what I did. I honestly don't regret this story. If not, how then will I ever be here.

I was three. Allow me to speak in the form of seeing myself as someone else. That girl I start to cry is black. She said excited I am going to be who I am born to be. If only she knew. Looking at her parents she uttered a prayer that wasn't hers ever. After all to her especially prayers being answered were mysterious . A fiction of wonder filled awe at times to the plan of God. She said with love and purpose. "I am going to love one man and marry him". That was yesterday. That girl is me. My story I will tell as me. For perhaps in the bitterness and to your entertainment a name. The name is Caremre. I loved it just... Faded as the scars on my head.

So how did I come here. Like I told you I was simply Caremre the black girl.

2

Life was like a thief it stole from me and then demanded the prettiest smile. As a little girl it was a gift that I could give back that smile. I was one of the most prayerful for no one and nothing but for love. To be loved. To be successful and loved. The goals that I had I forgot and it turned into being loved. My desire to be someone like the others till my stunted beliefs realized that I could never be someone. Infact had it not been for the stress and acute embarrassments I will not have turned to God. I was someone who roared, but I always had someone to tell me it was no roar. No life, it was indeed a life were I didn't live in it. I kept hoping that one day I will have someone. Someone to love, someone who will love me back. Life was a thief, It indeed was.

I loved every chapter in my life. The prayers were sublime. I loved God. A love that captured my heart and made me wage a war to be good even when it hurts and no one understand. I went through wars and due to those prayers I was that bamboo tree that could not be uprooted. I.. I know. Every artist at the game of life sculptors a piece of effigea of which king or queen he is through character. I was known for being a quiet and smiling child. At three I walk up to my mom. I take her hand and yell. " I love you". "For you I will wage a war and put a smile in the face of 1 billion girls in the world". My mom will slap me across the face and I will continue. Pray, get hurt continue. Connect, pray then get embarrassed or insulted and then pray. My life started when I was three or at least I thought. That's all I can remember. That's one memory. I fell in love with stories and so I wrote mine. A prayerful girl to later be loved and married off to the most humble and loving of all husband at four years old. Infact, I went to each of my family members telling them I will do chores like madness just for that dream to be helped to come true.

Four was a story were I started to admire and perhaps adore khanrad my brother. He turned out to be the kindest. His love was quite beautiful. It was such when khanrad started to cry. I was wondering what was up. When khanrad suddenly yells in the children's mosque were we pray. I continue to pray in my heart. The words were. I am only four black and resented, I hold the hold with love. Not all colors are meant to simply din and bring no life. I am meant to excel and tell that story to the world. Oh whom I love. My love I must know I am in the right place.

I had four siblings. The love of my life khanrad my first brother, he was the most handsome young kid that i know. He was also the most handsome adult that I knew. He was extremely cheerful, competitive, achievement oriented and loves people genuinely and is extra kind. He always takes the role of a true leader.The second was Aysha she was fair and like a god to me. She was extremely loving to people she needed in her life. She was extremely quiet however. Seeing Aysha happy made me better. She was always going to be my role model. I love her from my heart to the skies. The next was lukman. Lukman was friendly and boyish. He wanted whatever he had and made sure the ts were crossed and the is dotted. He was the most challenging of my brothers. He infact made me laugh when he would walk into the room or any room and go. My name is lukman. I am happy. I am lukman the love of halimas heart. My mother was halimas. My father was abdalle.

Khanrad walks up to me and kisses my forehead. I love you for the God of the world. I love you. The world must not take hanifas love. He says. Lukman stares at us and explodes into laughter. Aisha simply scurries off. To her we were been really weird.

That day was the first day my prayer got answered. It was a proof I kept showing on what love could do. It told me that when we worked hard, no sorry harder that ever we truly won. I know what you think that my life changed and I got better and I probably started dreaming of creating this company I call Africa. I did not call it Africa because I wanted capitalism infact it was a way of being proud that I kept my sons promise to be proud of who I was. So I called it my heritage, Africa, my Africa.

I loved to speak. I spoke to myself and sadly due to my father's influence as a politician I did not really grow up to understand I had a voice worth to be heard. Infact with the small stage that my father played. I didn't even realize my voice was top first in the world. I loved people. I always interacted and due to my brother's influence they never allowed me to be friends with anyone. Lukman always had a rumour for each occasion a structure of lies that never collapsed... Well, till now. One day my father looks at me working on my voice and talking to myself. He looks at me. Are you ok? He asks. I look at his looking huge figure and smile. No, I am not. What I expect of a father is that he speaks and listens and sorts it out with me. What he does is condenms my voice and tells me. Never lie and accentuate what God gave instead we go through all my pretend voice and find one. One that was the worst. I did not know. I thought he loved me. I wanted him to. A desperation of desire that backflipped and turned me into loving him.

I loved it faded as scars on my head. My husband, my son and my family. I held it like a story and turned into a rallying success.

3

So I was a late bloomer who remembers holding on to God. I got bullied in the playground and made a lot of friends. I was five. Most students started school at three. I started schooling at five. The schools name was gold stars. It was a really good school. They trained me to be quiet and get away from my depressing life and the stories I heard in school about all the prophets in Islamic studies class became an inspiration in my life. Most times I was prophets in their world. I was Ibrahim (a.s) with my parents. I thought the more I loved that the better I got.

One day still with my father's deceit unbeknownst to me and my broken heart that cohorted to a God. I started to cry to the teacher. I don't know who I would have been honestly.what is wrong. He asks my heart is heavy because I am not good enough. Every time I stop to think because I am a kid I forget and I don't hold it. I say. He smiles affectionately. My Caremre it's okay he says. Sometimes you must remember you are just a kid. I start to cry. He holds my hand. I suffer from a world that see my brothers as the best and my family as people who cherish. I am not me per the parade. Then something happens and my voice cracks. It opens and he pauses. What is that voice he said to me giving me a tissue. I burst into more tears. I promised my dad I won't speak like that. If he was shocked he did not let me or anyone know. Promise me you will find someone who loves you and who will tell you how amazing you are.

They are a lot of memories but years later thinking about that memory it breaks my heart that I did not marry him there and then. I never met an older man that healed and kept his dignity and grace till date. He was caremres treasure. Instead of thinking of how I could create a world of changing my self. I turned myself into a puppet to people's idiosyncrasies and hopes for me. I vowed to make others love me. I changed that day.

I fell in love with life instead of the creator. I lied I was holding the world with love for myself. Most times those days as a kid of four it was like I was worshiping the world. Screaming through sensations that can never die in the sands of time. Black. He yells. It was a yell that stung my mind. It was hurtful and I looked into my brother lukmans eyes and smiled from my heart. I knew that because I felt the weight and then like a sensation it glowed. I love you. I scream. I screamed and yelled. I was scared but I expressed myself that day in a way humanity will remember me. The gurl who held them with love. I have held them ever since.

My brother looks and digs into my eyes menacingly in shock. I am almost singing in my head and behaviour. I am smiling looking like I love him. It was years later before I will realize feelings like... Caremre, why don't you love me. When I read my diaries and cry to myself on the mistake I made just been different it hurt. So what happens when you enter into the rooms of sons and daughters of perfectly sculpted who are sculptured by a God aza wajal. Lukman looks at me and scoffs. Broken black go find yourself a phone and dictate the story of a life. Fraudster. Fraudster.

So that was how my story started as a piece of thought that i could win the world and then show it to mu husband. That my story could start, that I will later keep each story for everyone especially lukman. I was shocked, not only was it his habit to insult me and abuse me till I started crying deep in.

Crying deep inside according to Caremre.

This was when I will smile and watch whomsoever had the audacity to see my mental power and Allah's power combined. Strong visualizations after visualizations. An unshakeable faith that I watched and read through any human. I declared that every day my purpose was to tell a story. My story I will craft and practice every day. I will use my real voice and feel happy. I never knew that it was right in front of me. What I have been looking for. I never knew. That the story was right in front of me. A story that I will win and I won.

Story after story till the waterfall knew ngiara was too little, too great. It was a beautiful story now that I remember. A story that built me up. I stuck to Allah because everything was taken away from me. So I prayed. In my most deepest darkest moments. I kept moving. I knew I will find someone to love, someone to hold. Someone to cherish. I just did not know that I was going to be in loss fall down like a pack of cards. That's what I thought. Broken beyond repair.

I can't go back in the past to change my thoughts but that day acting became a brand. I stress. I should have been authentic and real. I should have used my critical thinking. I loved it just faded as the scars on my head. I scoured the world. I got laughed at and kicked about as I put my emotions. Allow me to spark for at least I burnt. That is what I thought.

I got deceived with people who had crowns and hurt by the people who the world branded to love.

4

I started to act a long time ago. Hide my blood that I was bleeding and wow. I did, I hurt myself. So bad I cracked. Fell down and became pieces of broken shards. That is what I thought. I say. It's a Nigerian home to lukman, khanrad, Aysha but not to me. They ostracized me by telling the house helps to hurt me. Verbally, psychologically and it hit. I acted and said my lines.

Lukman looks straight into my eyes and yells at me. You are going to die. He says and hits me with a pen. I hate you. His face looks ugly and filled with hatred. I am smiling. Listen weird bag of acting. How do they speak to them. He yells at Aysha and the others. They whisper something into his ears. He starts to laugh. His body shakes. I want to see all he has. A trust that the Lord of heavens and earth willdefend me.He pushes me from the stairs. By some strand of luck I got hurt but I did not fall. I am sorry love. I say. It's the way I say it. Capturing my feelings in the perfection of the words. About poetry that's how it started. With pain and hurt. I fall down that day. I fall down. I fall down. My love. That is what I say.

I was too different the word crazy to understand that I was too opportuned.. I mean I chose God. The king of Kings. The house help chose today when I am bruised to take me to the hospital. She prepared me while she screams at me. Pig. She murmurs at me again. You need to die, she yells. Look at your skin. Black.and tells the driver to take me to the hospital. I am bleeding as he looks at me from the rear view mirror and insults me. I held on to the pain in my heart and expressed myself in the next words to come. I am okay. I am so okay. Thank you. I promise to be like a black.

I did not.

The doctor looks at me. He is a black man who is fit and wears spectacles. It's not the first time I have been there. Infact, he is cool, calm and collected. My love, he starts. What happened? If he is shocked, he seemed excited and happy. I scratched my body. I say. Okay. I will soon do the stitches. Is that okay? He asks. I do a thumbs up with my better hand. All were hurt or perhaps broken. Love. He says. He looks at me and I look down. Black. He says. It's beautiful. Let's brush up on the stories. He says. Okay. I say. I can. With my real voice. He pauses then smiles. Shall we? Yes doc. I say. Once upon a time. Come on go on. You need to keep moving with hope. I smile. It sparks some piece of my heart. People get dopamines and moment of happiness. It was my best, the best of best. I felt like the most opportuned girl on the planet.

I pick a brown envelope. It has a small diary. This I say holding it up was why he loved me. My husband. The definition of perfection of who he is. This story is why I fell in love. I smile to the world and cry to myself. It's so fast I know it happened in a blink of an eye. I was the worst to myself. It was a wish to have someone to love. I did not know being black took that grace. He should have just left me with my act that was fake. A broken heart when you open it finally and showed the world how much you were chosen by someone white is not the perfect combo of something you want to keep. It was why like the scars that God knew and gave for this moment this time. It was why perhaps because it came from God the right buttons were clicked and I swear my story started. I speak from the embers of my heart. At least if they burn, I sparked.

The way I wrote my story went like this. A quote, A story, A practice session, A write up of how everything truly felt. The feelings been I wanted him to know I deserved the love. A love I craved for since I was 5 and could write. I was smart like that. I was fast like that. I just did not know. So here went the beginning of years and decades to hold someone who did not even fit my definition of my perfection in the end.

"The scars in my heart lit up tonight and I will never let go of such a feeling. It lead me to find out the beauty of what it felt to be alive for you my somebody. The love of my life. If I hold on. I can never let go".

Once upon a time... Somewhere far away. Far far away a five year old started to smile. She had a light in her smile it raptured and took in the world. The smile has a shine that enveloped the world with love. The world of every one she must love and care for. Her beautiful and amazing family loved her back, her family cared about her and were there. The world loved her and adored her. She lived happily ever after, the end.

I was with khanrad. Khanrad was the kindest. I absolutely love him. Being with khanrad brings out happiness in my heart that ruptures to every one. Just a smile. I was with him and he smiled. When he smiles. My name i am going to say today as I look into khanrads eyes is Caremre. I love you. The love must come from my heart. I started to yell and scream. I am Caremre. I start to cry and smile. It was the sweetest when khanrad finally starts to smile. I am khanrad. He says pleased to meet you too. It starts to scream sensations in me. That I did right .to tell people what they meant to me. That I was finally loved. Wow.

The truth my dear husband was I was so vulnerable. I felt like crying. I craved for love. When I watch movies of what love felt like. I start to feel unwanted. I am scared I am an outcast. I am so sorry the love of my life.

5.

IThen the day came when I let go. I just did. I should not have had. I should not have decided to be a monster to myself because life was hurtful. No. I nod sideways. My name is caremre. Caremre he says and hisses. I start to smile because no boy has ever told me those words. Infact no prince. Not at all. We were in a building, it was made of glass. Skyscraper. He motions for a car. I smile and let it show. My voice shows. When he says I want to express my love. He says. Yes your highness I say.

We enter the car and then he gives directions to the building. How did he know Nigeria I wonder. I asked them to build me a building.just for you. He says. Ok. I say. I want to express my love. He says and the car arrives at exactly that word. Like he acted it. He starts to smile. We enter the building. My love. Oh you whom my heart has loved. My love of you whom I cherished. As of played I laughed. I was three. I wanted to say I had one too. A diary and not like his. It was better and more spectacular. I start to smile. Then he climbs a stage made of bouncy castle and yells it shrills and declares. I love you Caremre. Was that not beautiful. A figment of my imagination declared and calmed. That was all I wanted. How I told that story to everyone who will hear. The name of the boy is Kaden. I called him Kaden the roar of my heart.

Kaden jamil was a royal from the part of the world I could only wish I looked like. He was white. Handsome and outspoken yet only when he needed to. He was extremely self controlled. He was and I repeat the most loving. He had the personality of a king already as a prince. He attracted and demanded attention. I adored him. I wanted to tell someone what happened that Kaden jamil the one. I had already agreed he was the one stole my heart and ran away. The wooden heart I had I wasn't aware already. That he has come to claim my heart. I swear it is a memory I remember and keep today then I go all I love and I loved him greatly. Like the man in my book. He should have known. Thank God.

Kaden jamil would be my spark. My reason why. I imagined him. I am sure I went mad in front of people though to me I was sane. I love him. I say. Kaden jamil. Yes he just was caremres love. That is what the world says to be who you are born to be. That is. The king of Kings I held and upheld so that I could hold the world with love and be a vicegerent of God. I on the other hand did not love the world. Yes, at some point I did

Kaden jamil. That's what I wrote. I am here for you. I love you. That's what I said that day. He pauses. I will be leaving forever. He says. Ok. I say. Thank you. He bows and we enter with his entourage. The car drops me in front of the house. Thank you. Who were you with. Lukman asks. I hug him immediately. I love you brother. I do. I say. He pauses then yells at me. He says he is going to tell my mom and walks away in shock. Aysha smiles. Is this even okay. She whispers worriedly and sits next to me. I sit down and seep in her kindness towards me. She yells at me and hisses. Aysha she was. She orders lukman to yell at me, she tells khanrad to give up on me. I see you smiling at her. Aysha says. Let go. Then she hisses one more time and turns back.

There was something about ayshas rudeness. It attacked me so much so that I wondered if I was okay in the head. I was so broken so I started to imitate. Imitate what a wife would be like to my husband. I wondered if it was sane and I'd I was okay. Then I stated to dream like my mind could ever. Like a surge of power in me. I started to wish that I was his perfect being, that I was good enough, that I won.

Ok weekends when our relatives visited. I walk to my grandma first. Good morning ma. I lament in hausa. Ir was a northern language from Nigeria. Love she says so much so that everyone knows she is pretending. She kissed my forehead. She starts to smile. My love she says. It hurts me, so I pretend that I am okay and i I unleash the dreams in my heart.. she is completely taken back. You said Kaden jamilm yes I nod my head . Oh. The sky is your staring in to point she says and starts to laugh. So that is why lukman hates him. They are mates if I lay ask . I nod my head like my life depends on it.

I am sorry she says a laughs a long loud laughter until everyone turns to stare at us in shock. They smile at her and hisses at me. Yes my family had now learnt the art of disgracing me they infact commented that hurting me brought out the best in me. I on the other hand smiled my brightest smile and wanted to kiss her forehead. As I leaned in she pushes me roughly and I fall down and start to scream. I love you. That's what I say infact as I fall down And my head hurts the table and small gadh appears and blood starts to trickle

I get up

6.

Did you give up?

Was it scary?

Are you okay?

That's what my doctor asked. His eyes glancing at my parents as they rolled their eyes at me and them. This is not fair eh eh em abdalle I want to leave. This girl is not serious. Her voice is now in a yell l. Like it's a warning she can't keep her act and she then resigns to insulting and hissing at things. I started worried at her. Mom. I say. Are you okay. She looks at me with the last step headiest eyes I have ever seen and hisses deeply. Doctor. My dad says. Please can you treat her as soon as you can, I can settle some bills if we can leave in the next five to seven minutes. He looks at my mom and smiles reassuringly he whispers something about paying her she smiles then she sighs. I will be in the car.

I start to cry but I say its about school when I may confronted. The nurse walks boldly. Ma. She says. This girl has been suffering from her siblings and can't be targeted and destroyed. She is so brilliant and smart. My mom motions to the driver. When she goes out and says some horrible words then slams the door so much so that the building shakes. I... I start to say. My dad drills into my eyes. Why are you so unfortunate Caremre. He yells. Let go. He yells. Let go. He says. Start helping your mom in the kitchen. Be. Caremre be. Okay I remember clearly. It was my birthday and I was seven. That's when the Jekyll hit the Hyde.

There are scars and there are scars. For you to indeed show those scars to people. They are scars and they are scars. So I held mine like a trophy. Like an art piece I carved mine into memories, stories pieces of love to my family. I turned mine into the beauty beyond the barriers that sensibility showed.

I wanted to smile that day like an extraordinary girl. I didn't question life for not giving me my life. I started the Kaden's file. I called the file. Caremres treasure. The file has everything to show my husband and kids just how much of fun we could have. The genuine love I had I had given my family and I was scared that they would be no love left. It was a sad story of decades and years of toiling and trying.

More than anything I wanted to love and each day was a brand day to brandish the love, the might of it to my family and those books. I wanted to be a hero and maybe a champion in the story called life. It was all I wanted to be accepted and loved. It turned out I was been carved to be desperate, hurt and have no identity. I am black. I am beautiful. This story that I tell was made by the king of Kings as a banner for which I am identified as a human who is worthy to be black. I was angry when I said it. I was hurt when I felt it. I wanted to tell the story in one day. I wanted to carve out that hatred instilled inside me. So I adjusted the mic.

I did not deserve a man. My mom said it. You can't marry that man. He was only ten. Yet she called him a man. Now, there are ways to break a girls heart. This is a story where at first I am not enough and like most melodramaa even as the worst I had to win. So that day I sparked and I burnt. I want to study mathematics in mit. My mom stares at me. You are the lowest in your class are you telling me you are going to mit. She says. You don't need to pay for anything. I say.

So why did I go to MIT. Breathes deeply. To tell the world that I was. I am an actress I have drilled that into you by now. It was a brand that I was known for so much so that cameras are clicking and am on the show my lies are the times and trust me. It destroyed me. Hmmm. I wanted to tell and have a husband that was not mine. When in his box the world saw the tag a king and I was a pauper. So I just did some make up. I mean who doesn't like make ups. You are right sighs I have never worn even one make up in my life time. I lied. I wore masks with foundations enough to build sky scrapers and reach the space so much so that it will be the reason why the world rotates.

Apart from being that quiet girl outside I was a freak inside. I realized one man loved me so. I gave my whole love to him. I was scared it wasn't going to last so I wrote it in a book. Beautiful right. I mean I bled, I cracked, I broke for a man you don't see near me now. I say stressing each words with indignation and then the right in my silvery voice leaves a scar on my audiences heart. Caremre the most loved I say. I start to laugh. Now in the laughs there are categories of laughter's. One is the one that you stress. Its your life so your heart almost falls out and I swear it must hit and change the targets demeanor.

Hmmm what a fraud!. I have never laughed this one. It starts like a piece of music with all the years of pain down into the words I convey in just a few seconds of a stanza that I laughed. Was it a genre now. Was it a genre under poetry was I changing the sands of time. Wow. How I wish I repayed that day a man showed me what love felt like. Because now that you say it. Capture this. I smile I aced it. There are moments and this moment was one that I wanted to perhaps act and explain describe and expatiate iterate innovate integrate create invent on. Crash went my hopes. I am sorry I say out loud I am scared I started to lie. I want to be genuine.

7.

I did not like to dream because I could not get all I wanted. I started to dream ever since I met Kaden jamil. I remember how I practiced just for Kaden. Kaden was the only reason why I did all this.

I finish watching the vlog and yawning. I adjusted my five day old tee shirt and looked at my phone that was on airplane mode. I entered the boring most famous restaurant and felt well fed. After six spoons. It was making me wanting to barf.

Where are you

Mom

Where is she

Dad

Black from a tribe resented...

Abdalles treasure

Are you ok

Aybz

I stare at the screen shots. I enter the car and try to shut the stares. Whatever that was it belonged to one girl. Sorry, one woman.

The car driver stares at me then drives really fast to the helicopter. Immediately I enter. A phone is handed. Ya Habibi azik you are back, welcome. My mom says. My sister is given the phone. She nodes a no. When the phone is being almost taken away she yells and says. Yes love. I say. I need to know when I see you. Thank you. He says then she says it. I love you Kaden. Oh please I say. Really she says I can see her heart bouncing to tell me more. I didn't know you could travel really fast.

You will look for me and realize I did. Why will I be there. I was there. I will create a company called Africa. You don't believe in me. You don't love me Kaden.

I look around wishing to see a black girl who smiled with the sun and who loved to stare at me like I was worth it. I walk in the palace and walk like the king I am. I have already changed into my clothes so I walk into the meeting room. I tell them everything, everything. My dad fires up.

My son cannot, will not, must not what is this. He says thoughtfully but the emotions raw. My king one of my uncles say. Make him the top best company owner in the world. I look down. My dad says. Thank you. Make him. Now.

Oh you whom I cherish. My dad says and hugs me. My heart misses you. I love you. I hold him and kiss his forehead. It's an honor. I open one of those weird apps that you could connect with the world and create an account.

Kaden jamil. I typed. Age it asked. 30. I scrolled through before I found her face. Posts and voice overs of her silvery voice. I used to call her the girl with the silvery voice. Was she okay? Is she alright? I yawn I was going to be like her. One she said I was too kingly to ever win in the game of her life. I called my robot

It's apparently 7 years. The robot says. I laugh. I give it the request to create lukman and his bullying. That's dangerous sir. Ok I say why. Uhm you will need to step up and I measure you ur capacity. I yawn and listen. To do all the chores in the palace twice from 2am before 5am. Ok. I say. I stare at my room. I pick up the book that I was reading when it happened.

...

We had a meeting with Africa. It was caremres company. We wanted to create a company in mars. I intentionally walk. I walk to the meeting room instead of using the slides I which was a type of show that clicked and moved you about. I see different company leaders and CEOs. She looks like a queen her eyes is like staring at something it made me pause before I declared the words confidence, might, power and excellence. They were so beautiful. I wanted to surprise her and tell her that I did it. Mr Kaden we want to create a company in mars. It's the way she says it curt, rude and with no emotions. It was an order. I want a company on all the planets and to even create a new one. The meeting starts with her giving orders to everyone. She was not speaking. Angry maybe.

Then the agreements are read to me by my secretary. I collect it and bang it on the table. Miss. I start. Misses. She says. My heart ruffles in laughter. Then bangs. Did I just condemn and hurt a human the words hang. I am Kaden I say and I am married to no one. I yell. The camera was rolling somewhere. I am Kaden jamil. I divorced you thrice miss. I say. I expect her eyes to break into hurt. They instead mould and she looks at me dangerously happy. The change makes me to flip in shock. Who are you. She asks. Who are you. She says I thought she was playing at first due to the kindness and pure love. Then she smiles and refuses to make eye contact. To joke on my colors like the king of Kings. How I wondered did you sow the feelings into a word.

She laughed In a silvery laugh then went away. I follow her fuming. Because I wish I could speak to her and tell her just how I felt. Then I stare at her. Kaden she starts. A ruffle laughter. I had never ib my life met a woman up close who had the demeanour Caremre had. You gonna walk in there she says. I watch her did she really practice this for seven years. Perhaps as she brushed her teeth every morning and night. Then she angrily wove it into happiness thinking black you are so black like those people. You are going to be a lukman and hit me with a past. You are going to stop me from my dreams you are going to start to break me lie khanrad and leave like aybz. Kaden jamil it was haram to fall in love. Then she pauser. I have never loved you . She walks out and opens the door carefully., black she murmurs.

I loved her.

You what. My sister almost choked on her food. She chokes when I tell her. I give her some water and she starts a coughing routine. My love, she laughs. A girl like her deserves no guy like you. The best of them only want the best. I know. I say. You don't think you are one do you. She says then walks out of the room.

I absolutely loved that story. I am going to be better. I say. Easy. I thought and walked out of the rooms the rooms in the castle had hundreds of rooms. It was so detailed to fit out tastes. Each room has a routine and purpose. It was so weird to think of rooms at a time like this.

I walk out of the room and then enter my car. She was still around and I thought to give her a visit to tell her I was okay to apologize. I enter with my box of chocolates and roses. It filled my arms and some were in the car. Hey I say. Hey. Open the door. Her whole TV crew where inside and they stared at me. Hi, sorry am late. Kaden jamil. I say. They are staring, I pause too and deliberately say. I love your show. I am the king of some place far away. He starts. Really. Someone says she seemed to be the producer.

She directs me and informs me that she was creating a show called becoming miss Kaden. Really I say. I wanted to try the whole acting scheme. You are going to tell what your past relationship was like and then I promise you will be back. Is that okay. She says. Yes. I say. I love her I can do anything for her. And then I turn back. She is dressed in the most beautiful gown I have ever seen. It's the softest shade of white. It fits her skin and she looks toi beautiful that my boxes of Godiva and roses practically looks stupid. I walk to her place. My name is Kaden. I say. She stares at me and for the first time ever she looks at me. The look she gave hurt.

Kaden jamil she says. That's great. A box of Godiva and roses. Actually I say I told the company to send in a box of Godiva and roses to this house everyday. Awn she says. The gifts. My husband always gave me gifts. Aww. She says. Her voice crafted to slice and attack till I gasp in pain. My name is caremre. The lady with the silvery voice and she opens a box of Godiva and collects the flowers. Thank you.

She throws the gifts in a bin when she thinks I can't see her and starts to murmur. I hate it when she murmurs. She looks so old. I am way to cook to be old. I can hear that Kaden. She says. Really. I say. I did not know I was close... Kaden Kaden she says. Who are you speaking to. The king of Kings. I say. I thought you gave up on him. Yeah I say not wanting to speak on Jaden. So I say holding my anxiety attack. Ok Mr anxiety attack stop speaking will you. She almost yells. I look at her and smile. I love you senorita. He says. Ok. She says. I love you too. So why don't we go back to who we used to be. I say.

I loved Kaden she says. It scarred me. I look into her eyes. I am so scared of the hate it has. Like I was too incapable and then in that moment I turn my words into the feelings and I was feeling so good that creativity sparked in my head that I cry. Kaden she says. Speak. I love you. She pauses

8.

Kaden just said it. He said he loved me like it meant the world to him. What do I do I smile and break and explode creating a blend of beautiful rainbows. Are you okay. I said. He smiles. Kaden has gotten brazen and tough and manly like the first day I met him. I want to go for a shoot I say. Ok. He answers.

Then he stares at me realizing he hasn't asked were his beloved aybz was. Aybz. He starts. You know I love you come out. Oh you roar of my heart. Must the waterfalls know of the tears that emerged. Where are you. Aybz its your dad the love of your heart he fell in love with a name called Caremre the embers of his heart. It was melodious as he kept on speaking thinking and expressing his love to aybz. He was realizing that maybe something was wrong but not death.

Aybz the roar of my heart he yells and yells and one more time he comes to were Caremre is standing. Well he says. She on the other hand is shocked and she holds his hands and tells him a story. A story she starts in a feeble voice. I tried to tell him to live that his father will be there. He blinks and then I move scared he was going to hurt me. Then he excuses himself.

Kaden

I stare at the letter. So I starved my family to death. I was on my prayer mat. I. I start. Am sorry. Tears seeped down from my face. He holds the letter and reads.

The other roar has spoken to the other roar.

So together we become the lions of Allah. Dad I am about to die but I thought to write this. I fed my mom and I choose to let go. I swear this is my purpose to watch her be enough for you like you never thought. So I had her create Africa. I wanted to tell you that the company mire than anything will be the reason why I perhaps am loved more than ever now. It is said we fall in love and I think you are wrong. You probably should read all her diaries and all her videos. She loves you. There are scars and they are scars consider this a scar filled with light that ruptures all the hate you give.

Then one day you realize how special you are. You are special like that and I love you. I needed to tell you to be a king and remember you are caremres ember and spark that turned her world like wildfire. The reason why your wife is alive and I am dead is because of qadr. I love you. Much love Kaden's hearts roar.

Ya Allah I say and pick the letter I go to the wall and start to write. It was white like the world filled with nothing but innocence or ar least in my intoxication of regret I was thinking so. Kaden jamil the roar of aybz heart get up. The image flew out of my mind and I tried to capture it. Turn it into stars that lit up my world. Kaden jamil is not to be joked with. Kaden jamil was told he wasn't good enough that's why he yelled he wouldn't be yelling if the zap of the flutter of the heart was not there then this regret will be the spark that ignited better.

I know that you told. I say stressing on the word told so much it was a music. Mr Kaden the broken but I swear I say as I write my character. Caremre I say breaking my heart you aybz I am going to make sure that I am caremres treasure. That the flow of the waters ngiara will testify that the purity of my heart flows like the lines that I carved into this moment now.

Ubuntu is a term that stands for I am because we are. And if it must to fall then our pieces must never for let me define the term. To live we must see. Sight in the sense that we understand that we can be alive. So living it is. What is life without you Jaden that's what I thought. That Jaden my twin was a roar till you came aybz and everything I touched just turned into the wrong I was. No I say I stand up imagining that Kaden's roar were all rising from the motion of kneeling and the feeling was that we rose and were doing a motion that the world knew that it belonged to us. That moment now.

As I start to feel sadness it sparked now Jaden told me to never be right for all he knew when I remembered what right did to him I got scared and toned down my act but then in that moment I start to cry not because I was grieving but because I won.. Kaden jamil he said is my father. And aybz Kaden is my reason of being Kaden the king.

...

So there are kings and there are kings who are you? It was my gym robot torturing my life as I bounced, broke and got motivated. I had turned every sort of motivational speech to be my songs when I was in the gym the reason was it motivated me and made me a better person. A better warrior and lastly a better king. I had immediately made myself king and my dad had came down from the throne. I started to cry I started to tell a story I wanted two people to be telling a story no matter what happened.

My story. Now I know what you think that Kaden jamil was a king who was like a lion. He was bold, a king and he was perfect. He was royal and had everything in the world. That's what I thought. That what I thought. I wanted to grieve because everyday was a story of being perfect. I wanted to feel just how it felt. So, I felt the moment. The moment that aybz started to realize he was going to die and that his mother will be no more and he chose to feed her instead. I felt the hunger, I felt it not like aybz did for perhaps he felt humble and like a warrior. I imagined standing there as someone helpless who watched a victim killed by me Kaden jamil.

I was broken as I watched him start to feel dizzy, and write a letter. Was he aware that the person he wrote the letter too killed him. What was I thinking as I thought I lost a piece of me till I realized I lost a roar and something even deeper. Trust. I did not love aybz. I was not the father aybz deserved. It was pathetic. And then I looked at myself in the mirror shocked that that's what it felt like. I felt human.

9.

Caremre

Aybz.

Aybz

Aybz

It played in my mind like I was playing each word like a song. A song that each stanza had a line. My line was bigger than the past. Only for the next line to punch me and then the third time I said it. It felt like I was Caremre. Black.

Caremre stared back at me in the mirror her eyes were sad. Maybe that was why I was strong. I swear I lost them all. My family and I didnt feel. I could not understand why. I could not tell the world and tonight I wanted to. The vlog was about to start but this time it had Kaden. I did not want to see him and perhaps tell him how it felt. More than anything Kaden jamil turned out to be a better person than everyone. I thought that if I lied I will be okay that he won't leave like everyone I loved. Kaden jamil did not hurt me. He loved me. It's just I was not good enough to take on my challenge I was not smart that way. Something says in my heart. It was good because no one heard that. Except me.

Do you expect me to do some vlog. Kaden was screaming on the phone. I am grieving he says and stares at me. It was a voice call but I knew every way that he was. Every smile that he had. Every reaction and response every glint of the eye and everything what he loved and what he hated. It's just wow I grew tired. I had felt like a warrior because I was accepted by the world for my story but then Kaden starts to ask where is my wife. I am here I say. Listen to me. He says. Are you okay. I am not. I collect the phone.

I open my diary and start to cry. On that day I shouldn't have had. I should not have had ran away because Jaden was no more. I should not have had. I start to cry and read the next line. Kaden jamil apologizes for the hate he gave. Aybz died and I take responsibility. I see myself there I hear him pick the car keys. Caremre he says I wished you understood.

He starts to drive. Can I help asks leave the phone. I sit and hold the phone to my ear and then I sit in the crew. I hear Kaden crying. It's so sad I remember the time lukman felt insecure but in the end he had made up for the tears and broken arm and legs. He had apologized. Khanrad in the other hand was a better consoler. He could make you smile and laugh. I keep reminiscing till he walks and stands in front of me. I am not even aware. He just looks at me and says I need a hug. It's haram I say till we get remarried.

I find myself in a car and driving to the palace. The palace. That's were Kaden and I lived and I vowed to be a wife. I remember the atmosphere as I yelled because it hurt and the way it was so big with people who hisses and plotted against me. He looks down and he looks at me. I remember telling the world I was in love with Kaden. It broke my heart. The thing was you are right next to me and all we are doing is grieving. I started to cry. Remember when your father laughed at my terrible food and he wondered why I could not make millions. Remember when your mom laughed that we will never last.

I started to cry. Caremre he says. I heard you. Please forgive me. He says. Then he starts to look furiously ahead. Caremre I say. You have never cried in those vlogs he adds. Yeah. He says. I start to snicker. It's okay I'll be your khanrad and lukman and everyone okay. He says. Ok. I look at Kaden and I apologize. He laughs. I love you. He says. Really. I say. What he asks. I am grieving. Exactly he says. Let's ace this.

The gates open. I expect the rudest glare or the loudest hissing from the guards because my stories is what is navigating all over the palace. I start to sway as I sit front and back in fright and anxiety. I remember all the stress and hate when suddenly he stares at me. Ace this. He repeats. Is the black he spats also part of the crew. Kaden jamil simply yells. That's my wife. That is my wife he yells Kaden jamils roar. Do you want to die. He yells. No. The guard says. Then let go of harming a lions roar or I do that. He says. Kaden smiles at me and then starts driving furiously into the palace. He parks correctly then walks opens the door for me. I expect to see the entrance but all I see is Kaden's palace mosque. My dad and uncles are inside and everyone. He says. Let's get married. I need a hug.

The Imam pronounced us husband and wife and then presented the dowry of a Quran to her. I laugh and snicker and then kiss Kaden jamils

...

Kaden jamil.

The alarm clock rings. The alarm feels so loud I know that because my head cringes the first time.I put an arm to keep my hair out of my face . My father always advised to never keep my hair long. Kaden he warned it's better to keep a beard all the way to your chest. Wow! and then finally I wake up. I pack my bag and enter the bathroom. I always keep my toothbrush first to dry out in a place I invented then I pack it in a bag. I loved it.

I stare at the mirror. Wow. I say. God created me so perfectly. Now where did I keep my comb. Then someone closes the door. Oh it's just Caremre. I go out and peep. Then I stare at her, I was actually peeping wondering what she was doing in there. Then I remember. Oh. I say. Caremre is my wife. Wow. I quickly and perfectly brushed my teeth then I head out to the room after the skincare.

Salam. She says smiling and offering me a beautiful piece of carpet and prayer beads and Quran. It's time to pray lazy head. She says ruffling my hair. Ok. I say. I take my phone from the robot. Wow.. the robot starts. Your wife she is so amazing. It's the way he says the so. With idgham. The stress. I stay in my tracks. Sorry. He adds. Ok. I say. I wanted to kungfu slap my robot till it turned to bits of metals.I

The end