Chapter 1
Feelings
Is it that bad? Is it really that bad to... die? I always try to stay positive but I have my own limit. I can't just... keep on doing the same thing every time. I know I am way luckier than other people. I have a perfect family who cares about me, they provide me full shelter, foods, and loves, I have all necessary items for school and for fun, and much much more. But, what is wrong with me? I don't like myself, in fact, I hate myself. I haven't accomplished anything to make mom and dad proud of me, and they are disappointed in me. How do I know? They say it every time. Is it because we are an Asian family? But mom and dad are not even close to being called strict in Asian vocabulary - well, in my knowledge.
I just feel really empty. I only want to play badminton and make a living out of it but mom and dad just completely turned e down. In fact, I don't think they have ever encouraged me on what I really want in my career. Other than saying, "Hey, you got to do something you can make a living out of it not just something that will not be profitable for the future." And they say that every time I suggested something. They said you don't have to be an engineer but to me, you are always slowly pressuring me to do it. That invisible pressure that is saying, hey, you need to repay me by doing what I want you to do. I can feel their tension as they keep on comparing me to other people. They have never comforted me or ever had the time to I guess. I feel so lonely and afraid that they might not love me anymore because I have disappointed them so much. I know how to change myself but I feel empty and less motivated as each day goes by. And one thing that is so sad is that I CAN'T TALK BACK TO MY PARENTS. If I did they get angry for not listening to them. But I am listening and have been but it is not that I am not trying not study but I just do not have motivation or passion about it as much as I have for badminton. I know the reality is way harsher than this and that I have to do stuffs to make things happen BUT PLEASE DON'T MAKE IT SOUND SO EASY!!! Because it is not. Not for people like me who have absolutely no faith in myself for anything anymore. It's not like I don't want to become someone with a proper job with proper career and life BUT I FEEL LIKE IM STUCK HERE FOR A LIFE TIME. I don't see the point in life anymore. I know I am being a kid and people will say like "Deal with it if you want to live in this world." They are alike literally telling me to die because I don't fit in this world and may be if I reincarnate to another world where I can actually fit in.
I hate myself for everything I do. Even bring myself down is what I despise about myself. At school, I act. I act like a perfectly normal girl who is doing okay in classes and just normal school complaints. But at home, I always feel depressed. I have been depressed for awhile now. The thing is I cannot ever open up the real me in the real world. I don't trust anyone. I have friends but, I know and I can tell that none of them really like me. I can tell. From all of them, I know they never ever liked me. Even my badminton team, another family I always like to hang out with. I can tell. But I don't think I ever cared much about that. The only thing I cared is that myself. That's right, I am selfish, self-centered brat who only cares about myself. And I hate myself for that.
Lately I can tell my personality has changed within these 6 years since I arrived to America. In Burma, I was a good kid. But one thing that has been very common since then is that I still don't have anyone I can trust. That's right, no one. I love my little brother, but he is still young. I can't just open up to him right now. If I did he might have to go through life the same way that I am going through now. I want him to enjoy life unlike me.
