Total Destruction

The Doctor looked blindly into the falling snow, unable to come to grips with what had just happened. His hands tingled and started to glow again, but he thrust them into his pockets, refusing to allow his regeneration to start. His mind was in a whirl. How could he have forgotten Clara? The Impossible Girl? The companion, no, the friend for whom he had sacrificed so much; broken so many rules. He held his head in disbelief. “This is not right. It’s just not right. I can’t do this anymore.”

He spun around, his arms waving madly in the air. “You can’t do this to me again! So many, so many lost and gone. And mistakes. So many stupid mistakes.” He groaned, haunted by his memories. He saw faces surrounding him. No, not Susan, so young and in love, so angry with me when I left her behind. And Adric, so brave and strong, sacrificing himself to save others. Astrid, yet another sacrifice. Danny Pink, the soldier boy, gave all he had to save Clara. And the world. Bill Potts, will you please leave me alone! You left me. What are you doing to me? And there’s Adelaide. I should have saved her, I did save her, but she was so determined to prove me wrong. How could I have been so arrogant?

Hah! Talk about arrogant! What about Ashildr? I saved her and cursed her with life. And Clara! Clara! I saved her and cursed her with death! What kind of doctor am I? A good doctor? A bad doctor? How can I be good when I do such wicked, hurtful, stupid things?

Memories. So many memories. So many friends, all gone. But I remember Clara now, that’s something, I suppose.

He scowled and flicked snowflakes from his face. Thanks to Bill and Nardole. Or, their memories, at least.

His breath shuddered through his open mouth; his hearts thundered in his chest. “I can’t take any more pain. I won’t take any more! It’s too much. All those years of loss. They all leave me, they all die, or they just go, but they all leave me in the end.”

He fell to his knees, the cold snow soaking into his trousers. His shout became a whisper. “No more pain. It’s all too much.”