0. The Fool
Pushing your body’s limits is something every dancer knows too well, especially when you are expected to be featherlight and your body morphed into pure perfection. Anything less, unacceptable. Dance holds powerful emotions, every move, every turn and every jump symbolises some form of pain or love. As a ballet dancer, the swan lake is something you dream of dancing. It tells the tale of a young prince who falls in love with princess Odette. But she is cursed by an evil sorcerer that turns her into a graceful but deadly alone swan, only a true love’s kiss can save her. Every dancer dreams of dancing the role of Odette; a beautiful white swan who gracefully dances on the lake. But some of us are destined to become Odile; a striking black swan who represents anger and power. While others, destined to be The Fool.
I struck the floor once, then twice and a final third time, just in case my new ballet shoes were still not cracked enough. I slipped them on and rose to my feet as quickly as I could. I leaned my foot to the front, rotating my ankle painfully slowly to ensure I would not badly hurt myself. In this line of work, getting injured would mean the end of a freshly started career and the age of twenty one, which I’d rather not end just yet. I take a deep breath and finally raise my head, my eyes meeting the reflection of my own. I stare into my eyes, as if my life dependant on it, for if my eyes wandered I would only feel disgust over the reflection that stood in front of me.
Suddenly a loud bang echoes throughout the deadly quiet dance room, making me jump away from the ghastly mirror. I quickly turn around only to find Mallory smiling at me, her arms resting on her hips playfully. “What the fuck Mallory? Did your parents never teach you how to knock? Could have given me a heart attack.”, I sigh before walking to my bag, grabbing my water bottle in the process. “Ha ha, aren’t you just a delight to be around! BUT I have great great great news, you’ll never guess who I just saw!”, she squealed loudly, running towards me. I shake my head, a small smile present on my face, before asking “Who?”, my eyes slightly rolling, knowing she will go into full detail of the person she just encountered. Mallory had a tendency to talk like every sentence ended in an exclamation mark and yet she always kept me entertained with her fresh gossip. “I just saw Madame Nadia coming out of the main office! She looked as cold as ever but this means we might get the chance to have her as our dance teacher! ISN’T THAT GREAT!”, she screamed as quietly as she could before reaching over and shaking my shoulders slightly. I laughed before hugging Mallory and swinging her around, making her fill the room with her childlike giggles. “Oh my god, this is amazing Mallory. We will finally get a qualified dance teacher that might actually teach us something, unlike that odd lady we have currently. And Madame Nadia is the best of the best.” I state before taking off my ballet shoes and tossing them in the duffel bag, along with the water bottle. “I know, I heard she was more advanced than her dance teacher back when she was still performing! Isn’t that crazy? I know for a fact she will be extremely strict, I mean she just radiates this power! It’s actually really scary but also really hot.”, Mallory babbles on, while simultaneously passing me my sneakers. I quickly put them on before taking her arm while leading her calmly out of the dance room and the mirror that kept spitting insults, at only my reflection.
I walk down the halls with my arm still tightly around Mallory, my eyes wandering around at the colourful posters put up on the boring grey walls, displaying beautiful bodies entangled in one another. Suddenly a loud voice echoes throughout the hall, making my eyes connect with none other than Mrs Chris, the current principal of my dance school. “Miss Lilith, if you could please join me in my office.”, a stern smile present on her face as she speaks. I nod my head ever so slightly, wondering what I could have done wrong, I don’t remember doing anything to violate the student code. I take a deep breath and give a fake reassuring smile to Mallory, in hopes of maybe convincing myself and my mind. I follow tightly behind, my heart feeling as if it might explode. Why would she want to talk to me? What could I have possibly done?
She enters her office, allowing me to observe the room quietly. Her desk looks to be made of the finest dark oak, but in reality it is made of cheap disposable plastic only disguised as something valuable. Reminding me how easy it is to mistake the importance someone might feel in the world of dance, maybe even the world. I’m pulled quickly away from my wandering mind as Mrs Chris finally speaks up, “So, Miss Lilith, I’m aware you are probably wondering why I have pulled you into my office. I assure you it is nothing but good news.”. I sigh with relief while softly smiling “Oh that’s great, I was starting to worry just a bit. What is this ‘amazing news’ then?”. She smiles as she finally shares what she’s been hiding away “As you might be aware, Madame Nadia has finally agreed to teach the ballet classes in our school. You are one of our best dancers and I have shared your personal file with Madame. She has taken a liking to you.” My eyes widen as my brain finally registers what was just said “Oh my god, that’s insane!” I manage to utter before waiting for her to continue. She smiles, her eyes reflecting my own joy.
Before she’s able to continue the door to her office opens quickly and closes as swiftly as it opened. Mrs Chris smiles as she announces who just entered “Ah Madame Nadia, so glad you could join us.”. My heart speeds up slightly again before I gather the courage to turn around. I’m met with dark eyes, and even darker hair. Her face reflecting no emotion and her body language calm, almost robot-like. No smile present on her face but her eyes scream respect and yearn for power. She holds the striking resemblance of the black swan, which everyone fears to be and yet as a human; we all have deep dark desires within us. “Thank you for having me.” Her voice is as stern as she is.
She moves featherlight and takes a seat next to mine. I try not to move, in fear of this all being just a twisted dream, taunting me of my biggest desires. “I was just telling Miss Lilith about your interest in her, maybe you would like to fill her in on your plans for this year.” Mrs Chris softly says, her eyes shifting from me to Madame Nadia every couple of seconds. Madame Nadia nods her head robotically and responds calmly “Yes of course”, she turns to face me and stares deep into my eyes as she continues “I’ve been planning to organise the swan lake for years now, especially after I have retired from ballet. I’ve seen you dance Lilith, you dance with passion and with emotion, something that is crucial in ballet. After some thought, I’ve decided that I want you to personally dance Princess odette, the white swan.”. I can feel my eyes water with emotion and my smile finally return to my face, my chest feels heavy but from pure joy. Every dancer wishes to be a part of the swan lake, especially princess odette. “Thank you Madame, this is a huge opportunity and I will gladly do anything and everything to further ensure my role in this ballet performance.” I declare before letting myself squeal internally. I just got the biggest role in ballet history, from none other than Madame Nadia. I can’t believe it. All of my hard work finally paid off for the better.
Madame Nadia continues to stare into my eyes until her eyes start roaming around my body, analysing. Her lips pierce together and there’s a hint of disappointment present behind her glazed eyes. I feel my heart drop and my mind start to race with thoughts that haunt me during the night. “There is one thing we have to discuss before starting.” She declares softly. My eyes wander to my lap before taking a deep breath and facing for what I know is to come. “I’ve noticed that you’ve gained weight and as you know in ballet we have specific measurements that are needed for the costumes. You just need to lose ten kilograms and the role would suit you like a silk glove.” She continues, with no empathy or understanding of how deep her words are like knives being stabbed into me. I focus on my breathing instead, not letting my thoughts take me away from reality. I fake a sweet smile and nod my head tightly before blinking away small tears forming in the corner of my eyes. I take another deep breath and manage to mumble out “I don’t think this role will suit me Madame, I appreciate the opportunity but losing ten kilograms by the end of the month is extremely unrealistic, no matter how much I desire it. Thank you both but I will excuse myself.”. I stand up, my legs shaking slightly. Before I open the door, I hear a stern voice state “Sometimes Lilith, a person has to take risks. Some may even say a leap of faith, to truly get what you desire.”. I nod my head without turning around, feeling my heart shatter slightly. I just have to get to my dorm, then I can take a deep breath and regain my composure. Her words replaying in my mind continuously. A leap of faith. A leap of faith. A leap of faith.
I rush out of the office as quickly as I can, slamming the door behind me in the process. I lean my back against the wooden door, feeling the metal handle dig painfully into my back. I stand still for a couple of seconds until I hear my name being called, making my head snap up. “Lilith! Are u okay? What happened?”, Mallory rushes to my side, her eyes roaming my body. I feel my heartbeat speed up again remembering what just occurred, before I force a small smile out. “Yes. I was offered a big role by Madame but I declined.” I quietly reply before lowering my eyes to the dirty ground, not wanting to expose myself further. “Wait what?! You declined? You’re a Fool for doing that Lilith, you have to take risks, you can’t always hide behind everyone!” Mallory replies, her voice dripping with confusion, her arms wrapping softly around my body. I can feel her steady heartbeat clash with my own. I slowly unwrap her arms around mine feeling my emotions surfacing once again, “I’m exhausted, so I’m gonna go back to the dorms. I’ll see you tomorrow okay?” I quickly mumble before grabbing my stuff and hurrying down the ever lasting halls. Laughing faces surrounding me in my thoughts. Their smiles forcefully embedded in my head. The image of their smiles forcefully wide and unhuman like.
After what seems like eternity, I finally reach my dorm room. Unfortunately it is located at the very top of the building complex, meaning four dreadful flights of stairs everyday. I try to regain my breath while simultaneously looking for the keys that chose a perfect time to hide in my bag. I know I put them here, why are they not here? I can’t have misplaced them, could I? I close my eyes and take a deep breath, mentally retracing my last steps in hopes of figuring out where I might have put them. As I open my eyes after a few seconds, I see them hanging on the door, the little colourful keychain swinging side to side like an old grandfather’s clock. I look at the keys, feeling my heartbeat in my ears. Tud tud tud. I swear they were not there. I did not place them there. I feel the hairs at the back of my neck stand up and goosebumps spread throughout my frozen body. I ignore the feeling of someone staring, trying to control my shaking hands in the process. I shake my head trying to calm myself down, before grabbing the keys and unlocking the door, I have had a long and stressful day. I’m sure I placed them there and forgot about it. I hear the satisfying sound of my door unlocking, entering my space. I close the door, my eyes not leaving the ground in fear of seeing something that might set me off. I quickly lock and leave the keys hanging in the door and walk into the open space. I feel the adrenaline slowly leave my system as I place my stuff on the round table placed precisely next to my bed. My heartbeat steady and my breath not shallow anymore. I remove my shoes feeling all the exhaustion take control over my limp body. I let myself lay down on my bed, feeling the comfort of my blanket and pillow as I allow myself to drift into entirely another reality.
I spring up with an audible gasp desperate for air, oxygen finally reaching my lungs. Breathlessly, I try to take a couple deep breaths trying to steady myself, as I feel a wave of warmth crawl across my chest. My heart begins a calm rhythmic pulse. I open my eyes and begin to peer around my surroundings, darting from object to object scanning the unfamiliar area as quickly as I can muster. The riveting sound of carnival rides and the dull boredom present in the automated voice allows me to come to the conclusion that I am in a carnival. Popcorn is haphazardly sprawled out of its bags everywhere, a thick scent of caramel rushing into my nose with every breath.
I rush to my feet, my legs still wobbly and head still dizzy from the lack of oxygen but I push my self to start walking around. Hoping to figure out how I ended up here. The sound of screaming echoes throughout the carnival and yet not a single soul is around, sending a shiver down my spine. How odd. Large signs with illuminating neon writing surround me but as I walk, my eyes catch a movement to my right making my head snap in reflex. Nothing. My eyes dart around, missing every single letter of the bright signs as I continue forward. I find myself walking for what seems like eternity before I reach a door with a round mirror hanging from it. The glass broken in areas, certain pieces missing. As I stare at what is left, I find a broken reflection stare back at me. My eye seems distorted as does my face making me open the door to avoid my wretched reflection. The door locks stiffly behind me, the silence now filled with an echoing bang that seems to continue all the way down a corridor. It’s walls occupied by old portraits of what seems to be jesters. Each painting having the same blood red and green hat with 7 bells hanging from each little side. I feel my heart beat start to rise, as panic slowly starts to spread over my body. I release a shaky breath before starting a fast sprint down this dreadful corridor. The paintings moving past, their smiles and eyes still following me. Finally I reach a bright red door, with a tiny knob present on the side.
Without hesitation, I tug on the knob struggling to get it to open. Suddenly it falters and I practically splutter through. My eye roam around, realizing I find myself in the same corridor only moments ago. I release a small cry of desperation, my body starting to release the adrenaline. My eyes catch movement on my side making my head turn once more but this time, there is a turn to the right. Which I know was not there before. It’s probably an old illusion, creating the same corridor to make it look like you are in the same place. I shake my head, it’s a carnival, of course there will be tricks and illusion. I just need to get out of here and everything will be okay, I tell myself. Suddenly, I hear the ticking of a clock. Tik tok, tik tok, tik tok. Over and over and over again. Is it getting louder? I twist my head around trying to find a clock, only finding the jesters all staring at me. Their smiles growing with each passing second, becoming more and more like my nightmares. I let out a small shriek before banging on the red door. “LET ME OUT” I scream, my throat starting to burn already. I keep banging and banging and banging, hoping to some miracle that someone, anyone, might hear my pleas for help. My knuckles start to match the color of the door as I finally hit one last desperate time before falling to the ground.
Tears threaten to drop from my eyes but I press them shut, now is not the time to start crying. Pathetic. I raise my head and sit there frozen. The corridor is no longer in view, instead I am surrounded by what seems to be a thousand mirrors. I blink a couple times, starting to wonder if this is all a twisted dream. As I start to look around, all I see is myself. My eyes red and teary. My face pale, sweating building up on my forehead. I turn my head hoping to avoid myself and yet my own disgusting reflection rears its ugly eyes at me. I start to notice the disfiguration of my face. There’s no beauty or elegance just distasteful asymmetrical piercing my eyes, slicing at the slim piece of feeble self belief I might have had. As I sit there, the putrid desire to force fingers down my throat is strong but I bite my tongue instead, hoping it might distract me from my own hatred.
All of a sudden, a loud mocking laugh bellows throughout the labyrinth of mirrors, making the hairs on my arms stand up instantly. In a frantic frenzy, I bolt straight ahead until I feel my head smash against the glass like panel, a loud bang booms throughout the room. I place my hands in front of my body, trailing along the glass walls hoping to find a path out. My hands finally reach an open area, allowing me to continue that way. I gaze at the floor averting my eyes from the horrors that reflect from every angle, implanting thoughts of pure self hatred and dismay into my fragile mind. When all of a sudden I hear a loud jingle, almost like a bell being shaken in the distance but it sounds like its moving closer and closer and closer. I swallow my fear that is raging throughout my body, sending shocks to nerves I never knew was possible. I begin to pace faster, clashing into the mirrors and glass panels that seem to pose a desire to see my horrid demise. My head starting to ache from all the trauma induced. The jingle steadily increases louder with every passing second until it bellows through my mind as if it were mere inches behind me. I somehow manage to find the strength to turn my body around and I wish I hadn’t.
A horror beyond humanity with soulless eyes stands staring into mine, its shocking features striking as something peculiar. His eyes as dark as the nightmares that infest my dreams every night and his skin melting right below his eyes as if he was dead tired, going down his odd face. His lips thin and dirty, his smile inhuman like. As if it was cut into his face, from ear to ear. His complexion pale almost grey like, as if he were dead. But the worst of it all, his teeth. Spiked and bared, ready to be used like a wild animal. His hand dry and cracked in certain places but the most striking, his nails. Abnormally long and shaped into spiky claws that could easily slice through my skin if desired.
After what seems like an eternity, I’m finally able to move my shaking limbs. My eyes still staring into his, hoping he doesn’t move. But hope is a cruel thing. As I start to move painfully slow backwards, he starts to move towards me in a rapid pace. Jingle, jingle, jingle. I let out a frail scream before turning my back to him and running, not caring about anything but escaping. Anywhere, just to get away from that thing. Suddenly I see a bright red exit sign ahead and let out a silent scream of relief as I start to finally near it. I’m so close, I’m almost there. I keep chanting to myself on repeat, hoping that this will all just be an awful dream. A twisted nightmare. Just as I’m about to finally reach the exit, I feel my whole body smash into a glass panel placed directly in front of what I thought was the exit. I feel my body crash to the ground, my palms bloody and my limbs weak, the adrenaline slowly leaving my vulnerable body. I raise my head only to find the jester looking thing standing over me, his smile growing bigger and bigger. “Please..ill do anything, just let me go..”, I plead my voice barely a whisper. Exhaustion slowly starting to take over my body. My eyes getting heavier as I force myself to keep them open, I can’t fall asleep now. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. He tilts his head, his smile still present, as his hand starts reaching towards me. His nails grazing my cheek when suddenly I feel a burning sensation on the side of my face. Too weak to scream or to turn my head, my body loosing all sense of control, I feel myself lean backwards. Before my head hits the ground, I see his lips move “disgraceful, pathetic, ugly, useless..” he mocks. His voice becoming more and more distant as my eyes finally shut.
I spring up, my heart pounding the blood rushing to my ears. I feel a stream of sweat pouring down my face giving me a searing pain on my cheek going towards my mouth. My fingers trace along the pain, when I pull them back I realize blood covers my fingertips. A gasp leaves my mouth as I rush up, sprinting to the bathroom hoping that its all in my head. When I finally look in my reflection I see a small but precise gash elevating from the corner of my lips to my cheek; in a grin like manner. A loud gasp escapes my lips as a droning sound buzzes through my skull, vivid flashbacks of the horror in my dreams come back to me.
Without warning, a loud knock echoes throughout the room making me jump up in surprise. “Lilith? Are you in there?”, Mallory asks, uncertainty in her voice. A sigh of relief leaves my mouth and I quickly cover the blemish with my hair. I sprint across the room and swiftly open the door, finding Mallory standing there her face splashed with concern. “Oh my god, are you alright? You seem…rough”,she hesitates to say. I take a deep breath and force myself to crack a small smile before quickly answering “I just had a weird..dream, that’s all Mallory. And you? Everything okay? Im sorry I rushed out, I just needed a minute.”. My head leans downs, noticing something present in her hand. She notices my eyes drifting to the object present in her palm and a big smile spreads across her face. “I was walking to your dorm and I found this on the floor! Isn’t it disturbingly cool?!” Mallory states before handing me what seems to be a card. The card itself is simple, black with scratches of color present on the back but when I turn it around I feel my face loose all the color it previously might have had.
It’s the same inhuman creature. Its smile disturbingly familiar, his skin pale and grey. His hands reaching towards me, as if he was trying to get out and continue the job he didn’t have the chance to finish. It’s the same monster, the same thing that chased me. Terrorized me. My hand drops the card, it slowly swaying side to side like a feather. As if it hadn’t just crashed my whole world in a matter of seconds. Without a word, I usher Mallory out of my room, the door slamming in her shocked face. My hands shake as I grab the card by the edge as quickly as possible and rush to where I have my lighter, hoping to get rid of this nightmare once and for all. Click, click, click. I continue to press on the button continuously , praying it will light to bright flames. I feel the frustration rise across my whole body, the adrenaline returning once more. Work, work, work, work, work. I chant to myself. A frustrated plea leaves my lips when all of the sudden a loud click echoes throughout the room, the oranges flames licking the card softly. The crackling of paper surrounding me. My eyes close as I feel my heartbeat settle back into a calm rhythm. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe.
Suddenly a familiar jingle rings in front of me, making my heart completely stop for a split second. It can’t be. My eyes fly open only to find the same horrid jester smiling at me. His lips widening as he sees my fear spread all over my face. His dark eyes hold amusement when he abruptly moves his hand towards my cheek, making me flinch away in terror. Frantically, my body lurches sideways trying to get out of this claustrophobic room. My door swaying open as I sprint past, not daring to look behind me. The thud of my heartbeat painfully loud in my ears. Tud, tud, tud. The only thing alerting me that I’m being chased is the horrid jingle that continues to chime throughout these never ending halls. Every door and number blurry past me as I continue to run. My eyes catch sight of a metal door in front with a large exit sign displayed, making me remember there’s a large rooftop.
When I finally reach the door, my hands shake as I roughly press down hoping to get upstairs as swiftly as possible. My anxiety rising hearing him becoming closer, closer and closer. My feet continue in a synchronized pattern up the stairs, my legs tense and filled with adrenaline as I rush upstairs. It feels like time has completely stilled. The same hall, the same sounds, the same movements, the same fear. His mocking laugh vibrates throughout my entire body but I finally reach the top, letting out a small cry of relief. The rooftop is only accessible to certain year groups of my school and people rarely go up here, after the last horrible accident. It is eerily, deadly silent. The view is usually magnificent from up here, I used to come up here a lot when I was stressed, but now I have no chance to admire. I force myself to continue to sprint, the ledge not far from me. I feel my body tense, my breathing becoming rapid and shallow. Making my whole chest heave as I continue to force my body to it’s limits. Suddenly the memory of Madame Nadia’s words echo brutally throughout my head. I slowly exhale, feeling my feet standing right at the beautiful edge. Sometimes I have to allow myself to take risks, something I’ve avoided my entire life. My feet rise up as I finally let go, taking my final leap of faith.
In that moment Lilith had completely let go, she accepted her fate, whatever it might have been. Unfortunately for her it was not a pretty one. Her upper body was pierced through the spiked metal gates, that were created to protect the students from any harm, how ironic. Dark blood dripped down, small pieces of flesh still stuck to the hot metal. Her head was completely bent back, her eyes now lifeless and limp. Her limbs twisted in all directions, still displaying her flexibility after years of wasted work. Bones forced themselves out of her skin in certain areas, making her look like a used marionette. Her skin was gashed in certain places, the flies already surrounding her. The crows perched on the trees nearby also seemed to take an interest and pecked at her bloody, open flesh. The Fool still stood on the roof, admiring his splendid work, as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a card. He threw it towards her body and left not looking back, his inhuman smile still present. His job was done. The black card swayed back and forth until it landed reversed on her chest. ‘THE FOOL’ written boldly on the center of the card, the blood slowly trapping it in place. But as the blood continued to surround it, the jester’s disturbing face started to appear on the back. It seemed that Lilith’s nightmares would continue, even in her death. There was no escape, even from the deep, dark, unknown.
