Chapter 1
The teaching finally began.
At the dorm, I shared a room with Eddie. Our third roommate was never around—he practically lived at his girlfriend’s place. I could’ve done the same. We only ever saw him during lectures, which made our room feel pretty comfortable.
I tried to fit in and find the group of friends I’d eventually belong to. I joined a team playing some kind of shooting game on the computer, but I just dragged them down—I kept getting shot.
I also joined Eddie and his friends for card games, but even though they played for small stakes, I kept losing. I didn’t enjoy sitting with them too often. They were friendly enough, but I didn’t really fit in. They were all from the same town and had known each other for years.
I talked to Brian and my family at least once a week—we always made time to call each other. Brian seemed genuinely happy with Mayoko. They’d moved in together and even signed up for a local swimming competition with Paul. Brian always kept me updated on our friends—except Jenny. It was like she’d vanished from everyone’s life.
Just like a year ago, when I ruined everything because of my jealousy, I already missed her after only a few days. But every time I looked at my phone, I remembered—she had made me delete her number, and I had removed all her pictures.
Weekends were painfully dull. Early in the semester, there wasn’t much studying to do, so we usually went into town in groups. We’d go rollerblading, catch a movie, or find something else to do—but even the cinema didn’t feel the same as back home.
I took Uncle Steve’s advice seriously. From day one, I reviewed the material every night and wrote down my questions for him. We agreed to talk regularly so he could help me with my studies. My classmates, on the other hand, partied almost every night—either in the dorm or at the student center.
I went swimming several times a week, but the campus pool was too small for my liking. Most people just chatted, played around, or flirted, leaving barely any room for actual swimming. Sometimes I went into town for a proper swim, but it was too far and getting there by public transport was a hassle.
Brian always answered when I called, but sometimes I felt like I was interrupting something.
After a few weeks, Jenny started creeping into my thoughts more and more. It got harder to focus on studying. I’d compare my lunch to her cooking, wonder what she’d think about something, or remember a joke I wished I could share with her.
Day by day, I became more certain that she had someone new in her life. And why wouldn’t she? She was smart, beautiful—there wasn’t a single reason someone wouldn’t ask her out. Or say yes.
Except me.
Missing her made me decide to bring back the old Jay. I bought hair gel and started flirting around again. At lunch, I’d sit at a different girls’ table every day to chat. But they either weren’t funny, didn’t get my humor, or we just had nothing to talk about. They weren’t as shallow as my exes, but none of them came close to Jenny. Even the thrill of the chase didn’t excite me like it used to. I asked a few girls out for cake or a walk, but I didn’t want anything more.
Whenever I got bored, I went swimming—but I was practically the only one using the pool for actual swimming.
Around the pool, girls and guys lounged on sunbeds. When I climbed out of the water, the girls looked me over like I was a piece of meat. Three older girls giggled loudly while staring at me. The one in the middle stood up and walked over. She was tall, slim, with short brown hair. A tattoo peeked out from under her swimsuit on her left hip—some kind of bird, I think, though I didn’t pay much attention.
“Hey,” she said. “I’m Harper. First year?”
“Yeah,” I smiled, drying my hair. “I’m John.”
“We’re throwing a party Saturday night on our floor,” she said. “If you’re up for it, come by.”
“Thanks, sounds fun,” I said. “I’ll be there.”
It was time for the old Jay to score again. I styled my hair and got ready for the party. I only headed over after studying, so the party was already in full swing by the time I arrived.
As I stepped into the building, a girl handed me a drink. I wasn’t much of a drinker, but I didn’t want to hold on to any part of my old self. JJ would’ve taken the shot—so I downed it in one go. It burned all the way down my throat, but I didn’t care.
“Hey,” Harper found me. She’d clearly had a few drinks herself and had no problem leaning in close.
“Got anything stronger?” I asked. “That was pretty weak.”
“Didn’t think you were this shy,” she laughed, handing me another glass. “Bottoms up.”
I knocked that one back too, but still didn’t feel much. I never liked drinking—last time I got drunk was with Brian, and even that wasn’t a great memory. After two more drinks, I still wasn’t enjoying Harper pressing up against me, so I grabbed two more glasses.
Just as I swallowed the last sip, our song started playing—the one Jenny and I danced to at the ball. She must’ve found someone new. And suddenly, I wanted to confront her. Let her know I knew.
“Be right back,” I told Harper, grabbed two more drinks, and ran out of the girls’ dorm.
I hurried back to my room, laughing at a cat meowing on the street like it was the funniest thing ever. Once inside, I pulled out my phone and started typing in Jenny’s number. I knew it by heart—except for the last digit. Was it a six or a nine? Boobs or butt, I thought, and laughed at my own joke.
I tried nine first—number didn’t exist. So I punched in six and hit call.
It rang. A sleepy female voice answered almost immediately.
“Hallo?”
It was Jenny’s voice—my heart skipped a beat.
“Hey,” I said. “What are you doing?”
“It’s past midnight,” Jenny replied, half-asleep. “Is something wrong? I was sleeping.”
“Oh yeah? With who?” I asked, my tone sharp and unpleasant.
“Excuse me?” Jenny’s voice turned alert in an instant.
“You heard me!” I shouted.”I know you hooked up with someone!”
“Have you been drinking?” she asked, disappointment echoing in her voice.
“That’s not important!” I yelled. “But you know what? I’ll let you move in,” I added, trying to sound generous.
In the background, I heard a distant male voice. At the same time, Jenny responded:
“Thanks, but I’ll pass.”
The call ended—Jenny had hung up.
Almost immediately, I dialed Amber’s number. She picked up quickly.
“Little bro, what’s going on?” she asked.
“I knew she was seeing someone!” I shouted. “I knew it!”
“You’re drunk,” Amber stated. “Get some sleep.”
She hung up too. I was starting to get really angry—everyone was leaving me alone. So I called Brian. He picked up a little later, and I could hear him breathing heavily.
“Something wrong, Jay?” he asked right away.
“I knew she was with someone!” I shouted. “I knew it!”
“What?” Brian tried to make sense of what I was saying
“She’s seeing someone,” I repeated.
“Are you drunk?” Brian asked, not even waiting for an answer. “Let’s talk tomorrow, okay?”
“Whatever,” I muttered, and this time, I was the one who hung up.
I finished off the rest of the drinks. That’s when I noticed my suitcase. I yanked it open and pulled out the package.
It was a bedsheet, printed with a photo collage of Jenny. Some were professional shots, others taken by friends. The images weren’t large, but on the pillow, there was one single photo—her smiling, just as she touched the tip of her nose. She looked unbelievably beautiful.
In the center of the sheet, I found a note:
“In case I can’t sleep next to you, Messyhair.”
Fuming, I grabbed a pair of scissors from the drawer and cut the bedding into pieces. I threw some of the scraps back into the suitcase, then collapsed onto my bed, still fully dressed.
At dawn, I woke to the sound of my phone ringing. I wanted to ignore it, but it was Grandma calling—I couldn’t just hang up on her. She asked if I was okay, how school was going. My head was spinning, but I tried to answer her questions. The conversation didn’t last long, and I tried to get some more rest, but the light was bothering me. I hadn’t pulled down the blinds last night, and since my sunglasses were within reach, I put them on and lay back down, covering my head.
That’s when Grandpa called.
He asked similar questions, and I couldn’t understand why they hadn’t just called together. After the call, I sat up, drank some water, and placed a cold, wet cloth on my forehead before lying back down. I felt awful, and I could only remember fragments of the night before. Eddie wasn’t in the room, so I couldn’t ask him.
Then something else rang—this time it was my laptop. I sat up and answered the call. Brian’s grinning face appeared on the screen. I could see in the camera that my gelled hair was sticking out in clumps.
“So, how was your night?” he laughed.
“No idea,” I said. “There’s no girl next to me, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“What’s the last thing you remember?” he smirked. I started thinking—and then it hit me.
I remembered calling Jenny and hearing a man’s voice in the background.
“I went to a party, and then I think I called Jane,” I said. Brian just sighed.
“You definitely called Amber and me. I could barely understand what you were rambling about,” he chuckled. “What did you say to her?”
“I confronted her about her new guy,” I said firmly.
“Got it,” Brian sighed. “Well, I think you should pull down the blinds, eat something, and get some sleep.”
After Brian hung up, I ate a few bites, even though I wasn’t hungry. I was just about to lower the blinds and go back to sleep when my laptop rang again. Jenny’s photo flashed on the screen—she was calling. I was glad. I wanted to talk to her about last night too.
I quickly sat down in front of the screen, tried to fix my tangled hair, put on my sunglasses, and answered the call.
I tried to hide my disappointment—Uncle Steve was smiling at me.
“Hi, Johnny,” Uncle Steve said. “Sorry, I’m not great with computers, so Daniel helped me call you. Remember, we agreed I’d help you with your studies.”
“Today?”
My question came out a bit rude, but Uncle Steve didn’t seem to mind.
“I didn’t sleep well.”
“Sorry, I didn’t know,” he smiled. “But I’m free now.”
“I see,” I said. “Alright then, let’s study today.”
“Good,” the old man said with a laugh.
I pulled out my notes and read my questions aloud to Uncle Steve. He answered everything, and I tried to write down his responses, though my head was splitting. I really tried to focus on what he was saying, but nothing stuck. At times, I had to prop up my head—I felt like it might fall off my neck. I just wanted to survive the conversation, which dragged on for nearly two hours.
Uncle Steve told me about the animals he’d worked with over the past few weeks—how he treated them, what he did. I pretended to take notes so he wouldn’t think I wasn’t paying attention, but I couldn’t form a single coherent thought.
By the time we finished, it was lunchtime.
I went to shower and brush my teeth, and that’s when I saw a piece of the bedsheet on the floor. I picked it up and tossed it back into the suitcase. Fragments of the night before started coming back. I really needed to talk to Jenny. I tried calling her, but her phone was off.
All I wanted was to rest, but the calls kept coming. Dad, Mom, Amber, Brian—and then Uncle Steve again. Twice. He said he’d forgotten something. My family kept asking how I was, what I wanted to eat when I came home. Because of all the calls, I couldn’t get any rest until evening. And the next morning, classes resumed.
—
The following week was awful. I was tired all the time, barely able to study, just counting down the days until the weekend so I could finally rest.
But the weeks that followed only brought more disappointment. The weather was different—much colder—and even though I kept tagging along with different groups, I couldn’t really connect with anyone. I tried to call Jenny, but her phone was off all the time, so I casually asked Brian during one of our conversations.
“Amber’s model’s phone is off,” I said lightly. “Is everything okay with the shop?”
Brian just smiled and sighed. “Oh, right,” he admitted. “Jane asked me after your night call, and I forgot to tell you.”
“Tell me what?” I tried to hide my anxiety.
“She asked me and Amber to remind you that since you didn’t keep your word—her never hearing from you again—she took care of it.” Brian hesitated, then added, “She didn’t explain further, but Paul confirmed she blocked your number.”
“I see,” I said, hiding my disappointment.
A couple of days after the call with Brian, I stopped going swimming. Somehow, I just didn’t feel like it anymore.
My real friends were far away. Even though I talked regularly with Brian and the others, I could feel the distance growing between us. School didn’t feel special either—Uncle Steve had already told me about most of the things we were learning. Most of my classmates didn’t study much; they only opened their books before tests.
Uncle Steve often called on weekends, but Jenny’s picture had been replaced with a horse, and her name changed to Uncle Steve’s.
It was already late autumn when, one Saturday morning, I called Amber. She never brought up that I called her in the middle of the night—never even mentioned Jenny.
“How are you, bro?” Amber asked. “Go ahead and talk, I’m listening—just cutting fabric while you do. I’ll put you on speaker.”
“If you’re not alone, I don’t want to bother you,” I said quickly. “I know your partner blocked my number.”
“Yes, right,” she said apologetically. “I forgot to tell you… I’m alone now.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I replied, trying to sound proud. “I have something to tell you anyway. I’m kind of seeing this tall, slim girl with short brown hair. Total opposite of your partner—she knows everything. I’m learning more from her than she is from me,” I added smugly. “Her name starts with an H, but you know me—I always forget names,” I laughed. “She’s got a tattoo on her left hip and—”
I was about to go on, but Amber cut me off.
“Sorry, bro, I have to go.” And just like that, she ended the call.
After Amber, I bragged to all my friends about my new fling—and then decided to make the story real.
That evening, after studying, I headed to the party district. The brunette from the pool was there again, sitting at the bar with her friends, drinking and chatting. This time, I approached her with purpose. She’d make a perfect trophy.
She was wearing a mini skirt, high-heeled boots, and a top that looked more like a bra. I asked her to dance. She smiled and nodded after I offered her my hand.
A mid-tempo song was playing—not too slow, not too fast. Perfect for dancing with a girl: close enough to put an arm around her, to gently touch her, but still requiring some actual dance skills. I ran my hand along her bare back, but the whole thing didn’t excite me like it used to. The spark was missing—the kind of connection I had with my ex from our very first dance. Jenny had someone now, so I had the right to move on too.
The song ended, and I walked her back to the bar, to her drink.
“Do you know somewhere quieter?” I asked as I sat down beside her.
“I do,” she said, finished her drink, stood up, and I followed.
We headed toward her room. I took her hand, and she smiled at me. We walked, and I asked her the usual questions—about her family, her studies. I answered her questions too, but I wasn’t really listening. Her room was on the fifth floor of the girls’ dorm. While we waited for the elevator, she turned to me and smiled.
“We don’t have to talk so much. I’m not looking for a husband,” she said with a grin and pulled me into the elevator as the doors opened.
Inside, she gently pushed me against the mirror, wrapped her arms around me, and kissed me. I didn’t have to bend down—wearing boots, she was almost my height. I tried hard to return the kiss, but the whole thing felt wrong. I don’t know why, but it just didn’t feel right. After a few seconds, I pulled away—luckily, the elevator doors opened just then.
“I’m sorry,” I said as I stepped out. “This wasn’t a good idea.”
I left the surprised girl behind and ran down the stairs, back to my room.
After that night, I mostly just studied and slept. I couldn’t bring back the old Jay, and I started avoiding parties altogether. I slept way more than I used to. This place wasn’t what I thought it would be.
In truth, I hated being here.
