Torn Shadows

Our Father, Who art in hell, Penetrated by Thy Name, Thy Kingdom fall, Thy Will be defied, on earth as it is in Hell. Give us this day our daily poison. And celebrate our trespasses, as we look up to those who trespass against us. And lead us into Temptation while you deliver us to evil. For thine is the downfall, and the weakness, and the eternal suffering Nether and never.

Amen to that. My middle finger moved from my right shoulder to my left, from my stomach to my head. I knew there wasn't a soul who would notice my sinful defiance, since everyone's eyes were closed but mine. When they opened them, my hands were flat on my thighs. It is only because of my defiance that I am able to return a soft smile to every member at the table and shake my shoulders a bit in enthusiasm. O, we were having the best of fun.

Now that that was over and done with, I happily turned to my food. Chicken in creamy mushroom sauce and fries. At least the food wasn't prehistorical.

Marie was a wonderful cook. We don't usually eat fries, but Halloween was an exception. Of course, this family would never celebrate Halloween. In fact, they would usually apologize for their 'sinful' language as they described the 'American disease'. As if praying at the table wasn't just that.

For two years, I have enjoyed defying this family's traditional upbringing. I didn't do it out of spite or revenge, I loved these people and I was beyond grateful for the way they took me in, even cared for me. It was more my way of saying: we don't understand each other and that is okay.

We ate in silence before Marie asked me a bunch of questions. She always made sure to ask me the school and life-questions before she asked her own children. It was her way of saying that I was as much a part of this family as her own three children were. She was too kind, too loving.

I don't know if I felt as though I didn't deserve it, but I did know that it somehow made me feel uncomfortable. I answered her questions with mundane answers, after which she traditionally moved over to her young children. Ron, Jake and Stephanie. The eldest was eight, the youngest five. I often viewed Marie's interest as a performance that she felt obligated to perform, since my answers never went much beyond 'lovely' and 'fine, nothing special really'. However, interestingly, whenever the kids had to answer the same questions, I found their answers to be incredibly fascinating. Either they had the most interesting stories to tell of how they had been knights who conquered the playground. Or their answers fell into the same pattern as mine had. Then I couldn't help analyse their behavior or the way they said it. Was it really 'good'? Would they be afraid to say it if they had issues? I had sort of come to the realization that my interest was sparked by the fact that I had once been their age. Long time ago. Learning about their lives was a trip down memory lane. That trip felt so comfortable, that I couldn't help but think; what do you mean, it was 'good'? Didn't school teach you about pharaohs and pyramids? That's the coolest thing I ever learned. Even though it wasn't. Not even by a long shot. Nostalgia is such a liar, I love her.

Rick, the father, wasn't here. During the week, he was off for work in Amsterdam. I used to wonder if that didn't make Marie feel incredibly lonely, but after I once caught a handsome man sneaking out the driveway as I came walking from school, I believed her when she said she really was okay. God knows what Rick was up to in the city. I'm sure that Josef, Rick's father and the final member of this table, would approve of Marie's behavior. He seemed to love her more than Rick did, even if the walls of my room revealed how much Rick loved Marie when the week-end came around. Their secret lifestyle was a lovely one to behold, as long as the kids weren't part of it. But I knew they weren't. Marie and Rick loved their children way too much to expose them to such a 'sinful' lifestyle. It was thrilling to risk being seen or heard by the unrelated and older teenager, who got home earlier and slept in the bedroom next to theirs. Risking the same with their own children was 'not having their act together' and not in an aesthetically rebellious type of way. Their act was christian, but it truly was a relief to discover that they took their own prayers with a pinch of salt. In fact, I have often wondered if christianity could not be viewed as thé narrative and rulebook that makes their lives all the more so exciting. Breaking laws, practicing the forbidden. Maybe christianity wasn't all that bad.

Still, it was not my cup of tea. Besides, there was no possibility for my life to open up romantically, even if a lot of guys in school were sort of interesting and sometimes even handsome.

John especially. I sometimes caught him staring at me, but he was the last guy I would think was interested in boys. And even if he was, I did see my men as a commitment. It's a nice fantasy, secretly dating some of the guys in school, but something told me that road would not make me happy in the long run. Okay, John was alright, but was he really as loving as I imagined him to be? Knowing myself, I would probably fall madly in love with him if he only stroked my hair softly. I closed my eyes tight as I called myself out for those illegal fantasies. Theaurn! He does not like men!

'Are you okay?' Marie was staring at me.

I looked at the plates on the table and saw that they were empty. I started taking them. 'Yeah, I was just thinking that I might clean the table already. But go on ahead and talk further!' My eyes fell on Jake's plate, he wasn't finished yet. Damn, there goes my cover. But I just casually pinched his shoulder as I said: 'And you go on eating your greens, little one'. I walked to the door of the dining hall, the plates collected on my right hand.

'We could do it together!' Marie shouted after me as I opened the door.

'No that's okay.' I closed the door. Marie always offered to help, but I actually loved cleaning. Besides, she had already done the cooking and I knew I was supposed to be a child, but I really did feel grateful for the way this family had taken care of me. Cleaning was the least I could do. I walked down the long and wide stairs to the kitchen. It was cool inside the hallways this time of the year, but I embraced it. It made me hurry along the hallways and appreciate the heated rooms. I walked on the cold tiles of the kitchen floor and started putting everything in the dishwasher, feeling lucky they had one. I was almost finished when I thought I heard a sound coming from outside. I froze, before I slowly stepped closer to the window. The flowers and trees of their wonderful garden were gently swaying. I couldn't see very clearly in the dark, but shook the uncomfortable feeling off my shoulders.

Even in the dark, this incredible fairytale- like property in Brasschaat had a way of bringing comfort. I again felt privileged for the fact that Marie took me in as Feline, a friend of mine from Antwerp, had recommended me to knock on her door. I had told her who sent me, but was only able to give my own name and the circumstances I was currently living in. A homeless minor in search of a place to stay. It had felt incredibly embarrassing, why would this woman even consider taking in a stranger she had just met on her doorstep? But she had immediately taken me in for a drink and as we had been talking, it seemed as though she was starting to trust me, loving the idea of taking me in for a bit. There had been so much I couldn't share with her: where I came from, who my parents were, how I ended up on searching for a home. All I was able to do was describe what type of a person she would be bringing into her house. Something must've made her trust me, because for all she knew I could have been a criminal.

Of course, I had had some papers with me and at first she said she would only allow me to stay for a week. But before I knew it, we were filling in some necessities together and I was able to move in with her family permanently. The secondary school was less than five miles away, I had a soft bed, a kind family who provided for me and a warm home. To this day, it all still felt like a dream come true, even if I loved to fantasize about running away all the same.

I turned around and got back upstairs to retrieve Jake's plate. There, i told everyone I would be going up after I was done downstairs, so I could still get some homework done. And so I wouldn't be too much of an intruder, but I didn't say that out loud.

As I finished up downstairs and eventually walked up and passed the dining hall, I heard Stephenie claim it was sad that her classmates were celebrating and dressing up for Halloween, while she was not allowed to go outside. I agreed with her, of course; it was incredibly sad. I had never told Marie, but Halloween was definitely in my top five favorite festivities. To me, the lukewarm and Gothic thrills, made me feel more normal. Sometimes, I felt as though a lot of my personality was based on autumn and I love taking eerie, forbidden pathways along the way. It made me feel strange amongst the people who spent their winter holidays going to Spain.

Even tonight, I considered reading some mildlyscary children's comic that would bring me into the Halloween spirit. Or even climb out the window for a late night adventure. I arrived on the third floor and walked to my bedroom door, contemplating the list of comics on my shelf that could satisfy my needs. I opened the door dreaming of my warm blankets, when I halted. On those blankets, there was a male figure in dark clothing.