The Ascent

Jasmine often heard people say that you should live the life you choose, that there was only one life to live, and that you should do so according to your own wishes. However, she came to realize it was easier said than done, especially for someone like her, someone who felt guilty over even the smallest things that could hurt or insult someone else. 

It would have been easy and liberating to just go somewhere where no one knew her and start her life anew, be whoever she wanted to be. Yet, there was always something stopping her. There was this nagging feeling that she couldn’t do that to the people close to her, the same people who couldn’t care less about her wishes, about her dreams.

For days, for years, all that she heard from them was judgment, how she was wrong in the way she lived her life, in everything. Still, she loved them too much to do anything but nod her head in agreement, as sometimes that worked in getting them off her case.

But not this time, not this day.

Something was brewing in her from the early morning, but she did her best to keep it at bay. Taking a long walk through the park didn’t help, nor did the meditation.

It was as if she had reached a limit in what she could go past, and this was it. The dam was about to explode. All the pent-up emotions were about to burst through, to drown all the connections she had, break all the carefully built relationships. Familial bonds, friendships — they were all going to suffer equally.

“Are you in another one of your moods?” her roommate, who was also her cousin, asked. “Honestly, you really need to get yourself a boyfriend. I’m sure there is something he could do to improve that constantly sour mood.”

The condescension in her voice was as clear as day. The disdain of the fact that Jasmine wasn’t chasing around boyfriends as her cousin did, that she was waiting for the right person. It was something Theodora often made fun of, something Jasmine was used to. However, this time, it was the final straw.

“I’m not in the best of moods, that’s true. But I am human, after all, and we can feel different things,” she said sternly, finding it difficult to control her tone, not to scream. “It sure would be nice if you and everyone else didn’t judge me every time I allowed myself to feel any emotion you didn’t approve of.”

“We are just trying to help,” Theodora said defensively, clearly not realizing that they were doing anything but helping.

They didn’t get that pointing out someone’s flaws and every single mistake they had ever made in their lives wasn’t helping them. They couldn’t see that instead of offering a helping hand, they were crushing Jasmine’s spirit, making her think she was not worthy of anything. That everything she ever did was just one huge mistake.

After all, if you keep hearing the same things constantly, you believe them at some point, no matter how strong you are. If those closest to you don’t respect you — who you are — you can lose the self-respect that you had, if you had any.

“Your way of helping is so controlling and humiliating. Every time you say something or do something ‘to help’, you only make everything worse because you don’t understand me. You never did,” Jasmine said, her tone rising with each new word that burst out. “Regarding getting a boyfriend, I really wish you all would stop implying that sleeping with a guy would solve all my problems.”

“Well, science proves that intercourse is rather healthy. It improves the hormonal balance and increases your serotonin levels. Maybe, that way you wouldn’t be so grumpy all the time,” Theodora said, repeating the words Jasmine had heard from her many times before.

Worse than that, even her family, her mother, kept telling her something along the same lines. It was embarrassing, to say the least, and made Jasmine wish that her family were a traditional one, one that was against physical intimacy before marriage, as it would have made things so much easier for Jasmine.

As they were, they couldn’t accept Jasmine’s insistence on waiting to actually feel something for a guy before sleeping with him. Especially not in the modern, liberal world they lived in.

Maybe it was a healthy exercise for Theodora and the others, a fun outing, but Jasmine was different, and she wished they could accept that. If people widely accepted different sexualities, races, and types of relationships, why couldn’t they also embrace her choices?

After all, didn’t she accept all her family unconditionally, even though she didn’t agree with many of their views? Even though she was against her cousin dating a married man, against her family members having affairs for different reasons. It was their life. They could choose how to live. Jasmine just wished they would give her the same respect.

“I don’t care about the science of it all or how much fun it is,” Jasmine said, making one last effort to make Theodora understand her. “I only care about having strong enough feelings for a guy to want to share everything with him, even at the lesser, physical level.”

“You keep looking for a Prince Charming on a white horse!” Theodora exclaimed. “Well, let me tell you something, he doesn’t exist, okay? The most you can expect is a horse!”

“That’s not true. I just don’t want this superficial nonsense that the rest of you value so much. I want to connect,” Jasmine said, exasperated.

No matter what she said, Theodora would never see her, nor would her family, because they didn’t want to. They didn’t care enough to see things from her perspective, as that was the only way to perceive the true nature of a person.

“You are weird, Jasmine! You will never find anyone, not with that attitude of yours,” Theodora said, storming out as if Jasmine’s different views of life and love had somehow offended her.

That was to be expected. Theodora was the person who was most set in her views of the world. Everything was black and white. There was no space for gray areas. Since Jasmine was the largest gray area, Theodora shut her out instead of questioning any of her own views. It was easier that way.

Sometimes Jasmine wished she could do the same. However, it was in her nature to consider things from all points of view. That was another reason it was difficult for her to accept that they didn’t even try to unravel the mystery that they thought she was.

Alone with her thoughts, Jasmine mumbled to herself, “Well, that went well.”

Every time Jasmine voiced her opinions, things ended with people walking out on her. It was so odd that they would be so determined not to see the other side of things, to the point of being weird.

Sure, Jasmine’s views weren’t the most popular ones. But there were less common views out there, which were readily accepted in the past. So, what was it about hers that rubbed them the wrong way so much that they had to reject her?

Confused and tired, Jasmine moved towards the window, hoping that the view of lush greenery might soothe her mind the way it usually did.

The new silvery flowers got her attention as their fluffy heads gently swayed in the wind. They were unlike any flowers she had seen in the past. So delicate and yet so strong at the same time. They were mesmerizing.

However, soon enough, she got a strange prickly feeling, the familiar feeling of being watched. Quickly, she tore her fascinated gaze from the exquisite decorations of Mother Nature to the road nearby.

That was the first time she had seen them.

The bald men.

At least, that was what she thought they were then.