You Are the Reason • BTS Jin

Thanks to my dear friend who made my OC come to life; she produced the perfect image of Siri 🥹

Wordcount: ~3450

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Have you ever found yourself thinking that maybe love isn’t enough?

Have you ever loved someone so deeply that it blinded you from the dents in (what used to be) your perfect relationship?

Have you ever been so in love with somebody that you didn’t listen to your brain when it told you that 'this isn’t right anymore’? That your heart can’t take this anymore?

Have you ever loved somebody so much that even though you felt the distance and saw the red flags, you convinced yourself that this was just a phase? Convinced yourself that what your loved one is going through is just temporary? Told yourself that the person you fell in love with will come back to you soon?

Some people stay in relationships long after they should’ve walked away, holding onto memories instead of reality. But the thing is, love doesn’t just make you hopeful, it makes you afraid.

Afraid of losing what once felt like home. Afraid that you’ll wake up alone. Afraid that you might not love again—or, that you might not want to love again.

Sometimes, the thought of life without that love hurts more than the pain of staying, which is why people keep holding on, even when their heart knows better.

Siri knows exactly how all this feels because she’s living it. She’s in that painful space between holding on and letting go with her long-term boyfriend of eight years, Kim Seokjin.

It doesn’t help at all that she just received a phone call that’ll make her question her feelings and their relationship.

~ Riiing ~ Riiing ~

“Hello?... Jin? Is that you?” Siri asks with worry. She’s been trying to contact him for the last few hours, wondering where he’s been after she got back home from her second job’s night shift.

“Hey love, yeah it’s me…”

“Oh my gosh, Jinnie! You had me so worried! It’s freaking 3AM! Where the hell are you??”

There’s silence on the other end of the line while Siri’s heart races with concern. When Jin finally speaks again, his voice comes out low, filled with something he wishes he didn’t feel… Shame.

“I’m, uh… at the police station…”

“What?!” Siri asks with a gasp of disbelief.

Jin exhales shakily, “Yeah… I, uh… I’m in jail… have been here for a couple hours already to sober up…”

Siri’s heart drops. For a moment, her brain tries to recalibrate and process his words.

Jin.

In jail.

He’s been in there for a few hours already to sober up so he could make this exact call.

She couldn’t believe it. The man she’s loved for eight years since high school, the one she used to admire for his warmth, ambition, and humour, (plus his lame dad jokes), was now behind bars.

How did things get like this? How did he get like this?

Siri didn’t really need to wonder why. She knows the answer.

Everything started to fall apart two years ago, after Jin’s parents died in a car accident. Grief swallowed him whole, and Siri did everything she could to be there for him and to hold him together when he couldn’t hold himself.

What made things harder was that his parents left behind their Korean restaurant. It had been his father’s pride and joy, and Jin felt like he owed it to his parents to keep it alive. So, he gave up being a chef at a three-star Michelin restaurant to take over his family restaurant.

At first, Jin threw himself into the work, but running a business wasn’t the same as being a chef behind the scenes. The long hours, managing and paying staff, the stress of bills and keeping inventory of supplies and food—it all started to eat away at Jin. He didn’t study any business management so he didn’t really know what he was doing.

Siri tried to help with the restaurant. She gave up her stable accounting job, believing that if she and Jin worked together, maybe they could save what was left of his parents’ legacy. She handled the accounts, managed invoices, and she even worked as a waitress a few nights—anything to lighten Jin’s load.

But no matter how many late nights she spent crunching numbers or how many new ideas they tried to bring in customers, it wasn’t enough. Neither of them truly knew how to run a restaurant.

When the restaurant had finally run its course, Jin looked at the empty tables as if he were staring at his parents’ graves all over again. Losing the restaurant felt like losing them twice.

After that, Jin changed. The light in his eyes dimmed even more, and for the last year, Siri watched the version of him she loved slowly fade away.

While she managed to get a new job as an administrator for a family doctor’s clinic (owned by Dr Kim Namjoon), Jin drowned himself in alcohol and played games during the day. It’s been hard for him to find a new job since all the local restaurants knew him as the chef of a failed Korean restaurant that had closed down. No one really wanted him in their kitchen.

Siri encouraged Jin to try anything, even something menial just to keep the bills paid. She even suggested he work at a fast-food joint or as a café barista in the meantime while looking for something better. She didn’t care about the prestige, she just needed him to take a step forward and to help with their livelihood.

“Please apply, Jinnie,” she said softly one night, handing him her laptop with a site for job-seekers open. “It doesn’t matter what it is since we just need money coming in. We can’t afford to live on just my paycheck alone.”

He nodded, pretending to take her advice seriously. “Yeah… I’ve already applied for some jobs,” he said, avoiding her eyes. “Hopefully I’ll hear back from some of them soon.”

But Siri knew better. She knew Jin’s pride wouldn’t let him stoop so low. He was a chef, not some measly fast-food worker, and she understood that he was trying to hold onto some piece of his dignity, even if it meant hiding the truth from her.

But with Jin’s lack of drive to work even menial jobs, it meant that Siri had to get a part time job. She found one as a bartender at a strip club called Suga ‘n’ Spice, run by Mr Min Yoongi.

It was after finishing this second job at the strip club that Siri received the call from Jin, only to find out he’s in jail.

“What the fuck, Jin?!” she growled over the phone. “How? Why? What’d you do?!”

He tried to laugh it off, “I guess you could say I uh… I relieved myself in a no-pee zone.”

“What??”

“You know…” he continued awkwardly, “I peed in a public area… Apparently the bushes outside the karaoke bar are government property.”

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?!” Siri snapped angrily. “You got arrested for peeing in public?!”

Jin gulped, “Yeah…”

“Oh my god, Jin! What the hell were you even thinking??”

“I wasn’t thinking,” he mumbled, feeling totally embarrassed. “I was drunk… we all were.”

Siri closed her eyes, exhaling with frustration. She didn’t need this kind of shit right now. Not after a long day of working two jobs.

“You said you were going to be home tonight,” she says through clenched teeth. “You said you wouldn’t go out drinking again—you know we can’t afford to be throwing money away like that. You were with them again, weren’t you?”

The 'them’ Siri speaks of is the three gaming and drinking buddies Jin made friends with. Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook. They’re younger than Siri and Jin by around five years, and they’re the bane of her existence.

The three maknaes are reckless university boys who live off their parents and act like the world revolves around their next drink, dopamine rush, and sex. Siri couldn’t understand what Jin saw in them, other than maybe a desperate attempt to escape his own reality.

Jin had met the boys at an internet café, back when he was depressed after the restaurant went under. What was meant to be a few hours of gaming to clear his mind had turned into late-night (or sometimes even all day) sessions with the trio.

The three treated Jin like the cool older hyung who could hangout with them, and Jin, feeling fragile and lost, had clung to that acceptance as they made him feel seen and relevant.

Eventually, the boys started inviting Jin to parties, to bars, and to karaoke nights. They could afford to live carelessly since their parents paid their way and bailed them out whenever they messed up. Jin didn’t have that luxury but he still tried to keep up and blend in with them.

It didn’t help that whenever they went out, Jin would insist on paying for meals or drinks, saying things like, “Hyung will treat you guys, don’t worry.”

Siri hated that. She hated how Jin played the responsible older brother when the maknae’s were clearly taking advantage of his kindness.

Siri didn’t despise the boys because they were young and rowdy though, she despised them because every day Jin spent with them, she felt like she lost another piece of the man she fell in love with.

Jin wasn’t himself when he was with those boys. Around them, he became someone louder, wilder, and thoughtless. Siri didn’t like who he was when he was with them. Jin was her everything; her best friend, her safe place, the one who made her believe that love could survive anything. But lately, he’s become the opposite.

Instead of being her best friend, he’s become a stranger, and even an asshole—especially in front of the maknaes. When his so-called friends are around, Jin would talk to Siri in a way she’s not used to; with him acting as if he owns the place and like she’s his maid. “Hey love, make me a sandwich, would ya?” … “Oh, the missus is here guys! Looks like dinner will be coming soon!”

Instead of being her safe place, he’s the place she dreads coming home to in fear that she’d find him passed out drunk with the stench of vomit lingering somewhere. Or she fears that their place will be a disaster again, littered with beer bottles and half-eaten snacks she knows she’ll end up cleaning.

There have been some nights when she would come home from work only to find all four guys in the living room with empty bottles on the tables, takeout containers scattered across the floor, and Jin passed out on the couch while the others shouted at each other over a video game. During those moments, Siri would quietly clean up and convince herself that this was temporary. That the Jin she loved was still in there somewhere.

Sometimes Siri also fears coming home to nothing (just like tonight). To find that Jin’s out partying or clubbing like some reckless teenager, wasting their money all willy-nilly when they can’t afford to be doing that.

There’s also a nagging thought in the back of her mind that Jin might do something stupid. Something that could shatter the last bit of trust she has left.

Siri never believed Jin would cheat on her; he’s never given her a reason to think that. But with the boys’ influence and the constant drinking, the worry sometimes creeps in because she knows Jin is a very handsome man.

Her fears nearly came true once. It was late one night when Jin stumbled home drunk, mumbling apologies before collapsing onto their bed. At first, Siri was just angry that he came home like that, but then he started talking—or more like slurring his words.

Jin told Siri that at the party a girl had flirted with him. The maknaes had teased him about how he still ‘had it’ at his supposed ‘old age,’ and Jin admitted that he liked the attention and he liked the feeling of being noticed and wanted.

But the moment the girl started touching him, he hated it. He pulled away immediately and didn’t let the flirting continue. He couldn’t betray his heart.

“I like when people notice me,” Jin confessed that night. “But it’s not the same. She’s not you. I couldn’t ever do anything with another woman without thinking about you, Siri. My heart… it’ll always be yours.”

As much as his confession made her a little jealous and hurt, it also soothed her heart. It was enough to ease the doubts inside of Siri, even if it was just a little. But the fear never truly went away, because while she believed in Jin, she didn’t trust the people around him, or the way alcohol turned him into someone reckless.

After that night, Jin promised Siri he wouldn’t go to any more university parties. He said that it felt wrong being the older one there anyway, that the crowd made him uncomfortable, and the flirty girls just reminded him that that isn’t the type of man he wants to be. But pubs and karaoke bars? Those were still ‘safe’ he claimed. Those were places to relax, to unwind, and to have fun.

With the many drunken nights, false promises of getting a job, and with Jin’s lack of ambition—as well as now hearing that her beloved is in jail, of all places—rather than believing that their love could survive anything, Siri finds herself wondering if their love is enough to even survive today.

Jin’s heart sinks with shame at the tone of Siri’s voice when she mentions 'them.’ He knows how she feels about the maknaes; she’s expressed before that she doesn’t like who he is when he’s with them, and he doesn’t blame her for thinking that way.

“Yeah, I was with them,” Jin admits guiltily. “They came over to our place but then they got bored playing Mario Kart and wanted to hit the karaoke bar. We just… we got a little carried away and I forgot the time…”

“Unbelievable,” Siri mutters. “I told you they were bad influences, Jin. Eight years together and now you’re calling me from jail because you drank too much with the young and dumb?”

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles. “I didn’t mean for it to get this bad.”

There’s silence again for a moment. Siri was processing everything while Jin nervously waited for her response, biting his bottom lip and hating that he put himself in this position.

When the silence became too much, Jin’s voice comes through hesitantly because he knows he fucked up. “Uh… babe? You still there?”

He hears her sigh before she answers tiredly, “Yeah, I’m here.”

Jin swallows thickly with shame seeping into his every word. “Can you um… can you come bail me out? Please?”

He couldn’t see it, but he could just imagine the disappointment Siri must be feeling in him, and he’d be absolutely right.

“Is there a fine to pay? How much is it?” she asks him.

Jin winces because he knows Siri won’t like the answer. “The officer said it was $350…”

Siri’s heart drops. $350. That was their groceries for the week and part of their rent money that they’re already behind on. Now it’s gone. Just like that. All because Jin couldn’t fucking pee in a toilet!!!

Siri feels her chest tighten with frustration and irritation. “Jin… That’s basically our groceries for the week and we’d be short on rent—fuck, we’re already behind on that by a couple of weeks—”

“I know,” he says quickly. “I’ll make it up to you, I promise. I’ll look for jobs again starting tomorrow, okay? And if I can’t find anything, I’ll sell some of my gaming stuff or my Mario collection.”

Siri wants to believe him, she really does, but she’s heard this before. Every time Jin promises he’ll do better, every time he swears he’ll change, he means it. And for a few days, he’s good. He stays home, doesn’t drink, helps clean up the place, even cooks her lunch and dinner. But then one of the maknaes calls him up or knocks on their door uninvited, and just like that, the cycle starts again.

“It’s okay,” she declines Jin’s suggestion because she also knows how much his Super Mario collection means to him. “I’ll just ask Yoongi for some extra shifts.”

Siri sighs with exhaustion, feeling so tired and annoyed with all of this—with all the shenanigans Jin’s been getting up to, all the mess she has to deal with—all while working two jobs to keep them afloat.

The thought of taking another shift makes her stomach turn. She’s already running on long hours, little sleep, and what seems to be the endless pressure of keeping their lives together while Jin keeps making stupid excuses to not get back up on his feet.

“Love, no,” he tries to argue. He actually hates that Siri works at a strip club because of the type of men that go there. He knows his girlfriend is beautiful and he doesn’t like that men would be ogling her; it makes his heart burn with jealousy. Sadly for him, her working there brings in quick money, and Jin knows he should just be grateful she’s only bartending and not stripping. Still, the thought never sits right with him.

“You shouldn’t have to work extra shifts, and I hate that you work there—”

“Then stop giving me reasons to,” Siri cuts in, annoyance clear in her tone.

Jin goes silent and Siri could tell she made him feel guilty. Good. She wants him to realise they’re in a shitty situation all because of him.

“I know I messed up and I’m sorry,” he says gently. “But I’ll do better from now on, kay? I’ll come up with the money, I promise.”

“Sure you will,” she says flatly with doubt.

“I will,” Jin tries to insist, but even to himself, it sounds weak.

He hears her sigh on the other end, a long, tired sound that makes his heart twist painfully with guilt.

“I’ll leave home in a minute,” she finally says. “I’ll come bail you out.”

That single sentence makes Jin’s chest hurt with even more guilt. He knows Siri is exhausted. It’s three in the damn morning, and she’s about to drag herself out of bed to fix another one of his mistakes. He knows it’s his fault that she’s this worn down, working herself to the bone while he keeps finding new ways to let her down.

Jin stares blankly at the cold concrete floor of the holding cell, swallowing the lump in his throat. He doesn’t want to lose Siri. He tells himself, I’ll do better this time. I have to.

“Okay,” he says quietly. “Thank you, love. I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah.”

The flatness in her voice feels like a stab to Jin’s heart, but he tries to lighten the phone call, even just a little.

“I love you, you know,” he tells her honestly. “Don’t know what I’d do without you.”

There’s silence. A long one. Siri doesn’t mean to let it linger, but as mentioned previously, she’s stuck between holding on and letting go—where love still exists, but the faith that once fueled it doesn’t.

She knows Jin means every word he says. If he didn’t have her, he’d probably be living on the streets. He likely would’ve drowned himself in alcohol and ended up dead somewhere if he didn’t have her to rip the drinks out of his hands.

Siri hesitates in her reply, her heart feeling heavy and unsure with how she even feels anymore.

But finally, she exhales and says, “Yeah, love you too.”

The moment the words leave her mouth, Siri knows it’s not the same. She knows what’s missing. The ’I.’ It’s a single letter, but to her, it feels like everything she’s lost in this relationship.

Herself. She’s lost herself taking care of him. That one missing word holds all her doubts and all her exhaustion.

Jin doesn’t notice that she omits the ‘I.’ He doesn’t catch the weariness in her voice, and to him, her words are enough, as if maybe things are still okay between them.

When the call ends, Siri just stares at her phone, looking at the screen of her and Jin doing duck lips together. It was during a time when things were good and she could easily say she loves him.

But in this moment, she recognises how hard it’s become to say 'I love you’ and mean it.

Because right now, love doesn’t feel like it’s enough.

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