Envious Ethan
I'm so lonely. Everyone whispers it in the halls. Laughs at me as I move.
Teachers praise me. I'm at least happy about that... *You think you DESERVE that!? You're an IDIOT. So many people suffer and.. what? You're getting A's on Poems.*
...
As I made my way down the halls, my eyes stared to the ground. I felt every gaze. The murmurs and whispers groping my brain. I couldn’t shut them off. I hurried to my class. A trip. A spill of a bag. I rush to pick everything up and say nothing as I continue my walk. *You should’ve said sorry. Idiot.* I know. I always knew I did something wrong. Others would’ve said sorry. *You’re scared.* I’m scared. Of course I am.
I walk into the classroom and sit down, staring at my desk. I pull out my notebook and quietly start writing
Dear future me,
I might remove the pin tonight
The one wrapped around my neck so tight
A promise to all whom I love
I’ll stay, just for kicks and fun
I write to you every time
An emotion I dislike
Appears deep inside my brain
But all it does is fuel my pain
Am I useless?
Am I hurt?
An emotion that I assert.
I stare at others
and wish they have.
Their smiles and friends
and all of that
Won’t life cut me a li
A shadow falls over my desk. I freeze up.
“What’s that mean?” A finger, rough, with a small scar, points at the ‘I might remove the pin’ line. I quickly slam my book shut, looking up at the guy looming above me. He tilts his head, an eyebrow raised. “You alright, bro?” He asked. I swallow hard and blink. “I’m- I’m fine- it’s nothing, just a poem..” I hug my notebook to myself, staying away. “What’s that line mean, broskie?” He repeats “Its nothing..” Why wont he go away..? *Awe~ someone’s concerned about you... they don’t fucking care, man.* “Its.. nothing... an inside joke...” *With who? an inside joke the loner has by himself. Pathetic* “With some.. online friends... I’m writing them a birthday card.” *idiot.* He walks away. I don’t move for a good minute, thoughts and eyes blurring as I stare at where he once was, heart pounding. I finally breath out and shove my notebook away as the teacher comes in, quieting for our lesson.
An hour passes. So do my thoughts. I forget of the poem and the hell that is my life and indulge in history. Until the bell blares. I slam down my pen, breathing hard as everyone starts to pack up. I hear a laugh. I look around. Its no one. *BAhaH!! You idiot! Getting all scared over a damn school bell! You’re a freak, man!* I stand and shove stuff into my back, Pulling on my bag, until “Ethan. Can you stay and talk for a bit with me?” I glance back at my teacher and slowly walk over “Y...yes sir?” I quietly ask, eyes to the floor. “Your poem about the stars was great. It won out of all four of the classes. Grab some candy, and I recommend joining the writers club! They’re looking for a leader, I heard.” I slowly nod, grab a useless piece of candy, and walk off “Thanks” I whisper as I leave.
My mine is a haze as I walk to lunch. Something claws at my stomach, but as I glance at the food, I turn back to walk. I sit down, that quiet seat in the corner by myself. Like usual. I place the candy in front of me. Chocolate. I lay my head down and stare. I pull out my notebook.
Chocolate
Makes so many people
smile
I have done so
in such
a while.
C H O C O L A T E is scribbled at the top. A title. I close my notebook and open the small bar. I take a piece and eat it, staring out a window. Its nice out. For once the voice is quiet, until it finally thought of some sorta insult. *Eating all that? You’re fat enough. You should give it to mom.* I pause. Yeah. Its right. I take two more pieces and then neatly fold the cholate and slip it into an empty pocket of my bag. I’ll give it to her at home.
A shadow. I think its just someone gonna walk past. He doesn’t. “Heyo, Mr. Writer.” I glance up and stare up at the Jock. What was his name again.. oh.. yeah it was like... Colt.. or.. something.. “Its... Ethan..” I whisper “Holy shit-” He gasps “You speak.. damn, everyone ‘round here says you aint.” He slips in across from me and starts eating. “Noticed you all alone.” He says, mouthful of tater tots. “Thought that’d mean it’s an alright time to ask about your poem!” He swallows. I heard you’re a real good writer, yeah? Teach always displays your Poems and essays and shit! I’m used to gettin’ Fs and shit... So, quick ask, I know its big time, mind tutoring me?” He chews on his cheek, almost.. nervous...“I promise I’ll be good! Listen good and all that shit! I’ll even pay- like- how much you want, man! I won’t even bring up no rumors! Wont tell no one shit!” He’s pretty much begging.He’s so loud.. its making people stare... why is he here... *to use you..* “...Sure...” I whisper, voice like a single ice cube on a hot summer day. “If.. you want... I’d like to be paid.. f...five dollars an Hour... is.. that alright..?” I stare at my lap, hands fiddling. *What?! You’re going to LET him use you for a measly five-*For mom..*Ugh.. you’re emotional.* Colt perks and smiles like some puppy. “Seriously?! Bet dude! Thats so amazing! Whats your number so we can schedule!” Number... that might be hard.. I don’t have a phone... “I uhm.. don’t have a phone.. my moms real strict.. but uh.. I have a few messaging websites on my computer... we could message on there.. like discord or something...” He looks up and his smile softens, but he doesn’t question. “Yeah, sure dude! I uh don’t have a profile but I’ll download it and uh.. add you? Write your used down for me!” He hands me his phone, open to the notes app. I quietly type in my user and slide it back to him. “Thanks again, dude!” He says cheerfully. We sit in silence for a few more minutes before he finally interrupts it “you don’t eat...” He slides his tray over. “You can have the rest.” He stands “I’ma go early to gym. They don’t give us warm up time. Bye dude!”
Dear Future me,
Last I wrote, I said I might remove the pin
I decided against it.
Reasons being -
I promised some guy I’d tutor for him
He gave me tater tots
Mom would miss me
I can make money for her now while helping others
She can force A smile I can’t.
I love mom.
-██ / ██ / ██
When I got home, I gave momma the chocolate. She smiled so wide, asked where I got it though. I told her I won it and she hugged me real tight. “Brother ain’t home. He’ll be with his wife for a good bit” I nod and kiss her cheek “Love you momma.” I rush off to my room. A new friend request on discord. ‘Il1key0vr3teyez_X’
“Heyo :)”
“Hi.. If I can ask, not to be an intrusion but what’s your username mean”
“Oh, since I’m only using this app 2 msg u, I thought I’d make it like a secret compliment 4 u! It says I like your eyes! They’re a nice olive green <3”
“Oh... I thank you then...”
“np! Also when would meeting up 2 tutor b best 4 u”
“whenever.”
“is tmmr after practice (4-5:30) good?”
“Yes, sure, I’ll be in the library?”
“Bet! Anyways I’ma go call my gf, bye dude!”
“Good bye.”
The next day, at lunch again, I sat, alone as usual. I wrote, once more not eating. “Ethan!” I heard a call. Everyone looked up. So did I. Colt. He waved and walked over “dude, you ain’t eating again?” He sighed and places his tray in front of me “Eat. I’ll go buy myself another.” I stared down at the food. Fries and a burger. *He’s pitying you.. HAH! You don’t deserve that.. youdeserve to starve..* “I.. its fine, its yours, Colt,-” He sat down and tilted my chin up, expression stern yet kind. “Eat.” He said. I finally nodded and took a fry, taking a bite. It was good. “Thank.. you.. I’ll pay you back..” He smiled and stood “No need. Bros treat bros.” he ruffled my hair “Least I can do for your help, dudeskie!” He walked off, probably to get more food and sit at his usual table.
I ate it all.
Later, same day, I was at my locker when suddenly someone slams against me, pressed up against me. I start breathing heavy before I hear: “SHit- Ethan, sorry dude, are you alright?” He takes a step back and starts dusting my back. I glance back up at Colt, Him, and swallow hard “Its..” I take a deep breath “It’s alright...” He sigh and nods “good good. How you been..?” He leans against the locker. “...The usual...” “Thats nice.. hey, just to double check, is 4:45 good? I asked coach; we’re getting off around that time.” I nod “its fine... library?” He nods “Sounds good. i’m goin’ off then. Bye!” He ruffles my hair again and rushed off. I wave back.
Later that day, we met in the library. He smiled and sat down, starting to show me his essay. We went over writing techniques, simple ones. “Ethan?” Asked Colt randomly “Oh, yeah..?” I responded. “...Not to be uh.. an Intrusion but... whyare you always alone?” I glanced down at my lap, eyes scanning a sentence over and over again. “No one..” *HAHAH! You’re gonna spill your guts and then he’ll fucking think you’re a FREAK!* “Gets me... no one gets me...” I finish. He tilts his head but nods. “Course.. yeah... sorry to ask, It was real personal for like our third time talkin’!” He stood and stretched “I’m finna go off n change, I’m still sweatin’ as hell from practice. I’ll be fast.” He smiled at me. He had nice teeth. Canines were sharp and they were tinted a slight yellow. Not too dark, not like he didn’t brush, but just... a slight tint. After he went, I fell asleep at the desk. “Ethan..” A voice whispered “Ethan, cmon, dude. Library’s closin’...” Next thing I heard was a rustle of fabric and a “hupp” as he carried me. I was too tired to say a thing, staying like a sack in his arms. He laid me in the back of his car and sat as my pillow till I woke. Thats what he said as I was tensed next to him as he drove me home. “Oh...”why would he FUCKING do that... thats weird.. weird weird weird weird so fucking weird shit *He’s using you, obviously idiot. Lower your little defenses and then you’re gonna go and tell him all about her* I tense up and stare out the window, refusing to look at Colt. When we get to my house I get out and then stop, looking at him in the car. “T..Thank you, Colt... I’m sorry I fell asleep during our session, I’ll be well rested next time.” Colt smiled “Anytime, dude! You aint gotta be sorry! Though I missed your eyes, your snore is nicer!” I paused *Awee~ you don’t know what to say do yo-* “Thank you.. I like your smile...” He chuckles and waves me off “Haha! Oh my god you’re too nice!” He waves. “Bye dude!” “Bye.. C... Colt..” I turn off, walking down to my house.
I sit in my room, on my bed, staring up at my roof. ~*Bu-woop*~ I sit up and tilt my head. A notification. I stand and walk over. I check discord “Heyo, Ethan!!” Its from.. Colt...
“Hey Colt.”
“Theres a game tmmr, Coach asked me 2 invite anyone I wanted so will u come :D”
I stare, not typing for a minute “..Sure.. yeah.. yeah I’ll go.. how much is it?”
“Coach said it’s free for any1 I invite ;) (star player buffs lol)
“oh.. well... thank you, colt. I’ll come..”
“K! I’ll pick u up round 4, hope thats all good dude!”
“yeah...”
“Sleep well, bye broskie”
“Goodnight.. sleep well..”
I stare at my screen and smile. I click on one of my servers - [Depression is a Phase]. I type, just a quick thing in general: “I made a friend (I think). He invited me to a football game.” I smile. Hearts, thumbs ups, good jobs all appear. “Thanks you guys...” I close my lap top and get back on my bed, actually happy. I grab my notebook from beside my table, as well as my pen. I quietly start writing
Dear future me,
Twice in a day,
I know, so rare
however It seems theres someone whos gotten through my hair
and skin, into my brain
a guy named Colt, I can’t escape
He has a toothy smile
yellow, sharp teeth
nothing like how
I used to see in movies
he kind
and caring
invitied me to a show
I decided
I might just go
and sit there, in the stands
with a crowd
so loud
in reach of my hands
And focus my blurry eyes on his blurry figure
and watch him play
