At My Doorstep
“But aren’t these written by you?” He asked.
“How did y- How did you find these?” I was shocked. I had hidden them far away from everyone’s sight. How did he manage to get hold of them?
“Seems like your burying skills need a touch up,” He said and laughed a little.
---
Almost every person who has ever written a letter has either written it about something they love or to someone they love. I might be one of very rare ones to write letters about something I hate and someone I like at the same time. Someone I like - that is Nabh, one of my classmates and something I hate - the very feelings of love that I have towards him. I hate that I like him. So to do away with these unwanted feelings, I decided to write them off in letters. Not those fancy decorative ones, but on some sheets that had been lying on my table way too long.
Nabh was a good friend. He would greet me occasionally, smile at me and somedays he would bring me lunch from the canteen when I was busy studying. We would eat together with his friends and chat about my least favourite thing in the world - studies. Well fortunately, none of our friends liked it either so it was just a big ranting session. So what is the problem, you may ask? Why do I hate him, or rather, why do I hate that I like him? It was because he already had someone he admired. At first, I was delusional. I believed I could win him for myself like he’s some trophy that I could grab onto as long as I played by the rules. But that was wrong of me. He is not some prize that can just fall into my hands if I wish, it is most right to compare him to a cat if you will, who will only go to someone it is destined with. You know how the distribution system works, don’t you?
I hated how he would rush to her as soon as school was over, how his eyes sparkled when she was looking at him and how she was only one he would follow around like a small puppy with his owner. That is when I decided to let him go. I would think of him just as a friend and nothing else. I would let go of my heart for him. I wish only deciding to do something actually did it. Because guess what? Two years went by and still couldn’t let go of my feelings for him. That is when I realized what I needed to do.
---
“Why did you even follow me?” I asked him, attempting to snatch the two letters he had gotten hold of. He held them higher above my head so that I could not reach them.
“Nah, not so easily. And I didn’t follow you, alright? I just happened to see you.”
“I don’t believe it. I hid them at such a desolate place, why would you even be there?”
The one I’m talking to right now is Waan. If I talk about how I got to know this guy, we might have to go back a year. One year ago, I was sitting on a bench outside my school campus, waiting for the school car to arrive. The girls sitting beside me got up suddenly and shouted, “Waan!” while waving at him. He waved back and crossed the road to come closer to us. I looked at them from the sidelines, while hugging my muffler and my phone.
“Waan, buy us some cold drinks!” One of them exclaimed.
“Yes Waan, please!” The other one chimed in.
Waan laughed and brought out a hundred rupee note from his pocket. He shoved it in their direction and they happily chirped their thanks as they grabbed hold of it and ran to the shop nearby. I looked at him as he sat beside me, our eyes met for a second. He looked away and so did I. I remembered I’d put my earphones in my blazer’s pocket, so I took them out and decided to listen to some songs. It wasn’t long before the car arrived and we - me and the two girls that had been talking to him - got inside the car along with some other students. The car ride was peaceful as always. I always sat on the seat facing backwards and did nothing but look outside. The others around me did talk to each other but I was very rarely a part of it. I just listened to them and the wind that blew through the windows.
I kept seeing Waan here and there at random places after that day. After school at the bus stop, at a cafe, or even in the market near my house. One day I saw him at the autorickshaw stand. Not thinking much of it, I went ahead towards an auto and said, “To Kuri.”
To my surprise, I wasn’t the only one who had said that. I turned to see who it was, and yes, it was him. Waan wanted to go to Kuri as well. And we had said it in unison. We ended up sharing the auto since the auto-wallah thought we’re together. If it saves money, well sure why not. I was listening to songs like I always did, until I felt a tug on my earphone wire. I turned to him, signaling a ‘what?’ with my expressions. He signaled to me to take off my earphones, and for some reason I listened to him.
“You are in 11E, right?”
“Yeah.” I answered.
“Isn’t that the section for English students?”
“Yes, we have a separate elective subject for English along with the compulsory.” Why am I explaining so much! I hate how I get so descriptive sometimes.
“Good for you, haan.” He said. I didn’t want to talk much so I decided to get to the point.
“You live in Kuri too?” I asked him.
“Nah, I’m just visiting my aunt today.” He said. I didn’t reply and just looked out of the auto. Maybe he badly wanted someone to talk because he kept talking to me even though I was the least interested.
“I’m from the Hiere Butan School.” He told me. Of course I knew, I could tell it by his uniform.
“I can tell.” I said. Why is this stupid auto driver not driving fast! I really hate it when I have to talk to random strangers.
“So how are the studies in your school? I’ve heard that Charbloom is good in the quality of studies.”
“Section D and E are good, the others are not so much.”
“Section D is Humanities, right?”
“Yes.” I answered his question one last time before hopping off the auto rickshaw outside my house. I handed the auto driver his fee and walked off, closing the gate behind me. Why was this guy randomly talking to me. Did he hear something from my classmates? I know he’s friends with Hannah, I girl in my school.
I’ve seen Hannah in a few of my classes, and she is quite helpful and sweet if you ask her anything. I’ve talked to her a few times so it won’t be a surprise if she told him about me. I pushed all these thoughts aside and put down my bag, hugging my bed tightly. After a while, I got up and changed my clothes. I washed my face and heated up the lunch that was left for me. I watched a few videos while eating my food.
As an English student, I didn’t have much to review after coming back home. So I usually just rested and did other things after I was home. Laying on my bed, I replayed the interaction between me and that guy again and again. I kept thinking about it until my brain went in rest mode and my eyelids closed involuntarily.
---
“Just tell me, did you really write these?” He asked. I didn’t reply.
“Why are you quiet?” Why am I quiet? Probably because I don’t want anyone reading the letters I wrote for a guy who didn’t love me back, don’t you think so? I wanted to say it to him, but I didn’t. I made no effort in trying to snatch those letters from him, as he would’ve expected me to. I just stood there and looked at his face.
“Waan, you really thought bringing these with you and standing at my doorstep will do something, huh?” I asked. “I don’t want anything to do with these letters, so just put them back wherever you found them. Or whatever, I don’t care.” I said as I slammed the door on his face.
I stood just behind the door. He stood outside the door for quite a while. I don’t know what’s going on in his mind. After some time, I could sense him walking off. I breathed a sigh of relief. I hope he throws the letters away for them to never see the light.
