Chapter 1
I locked the door behind me and shoved the keys into my pocket as I left my apartment. I started walking toward the stairs when a voice struck my ears—one I had heard before. “Zack.” I turned my head to see a girl standing in the middle of the hallway, staring at me with wide-open eyes. She wore a pale yellow button-down shirt over baggy brown pants. Her outfit was overshadowed by a burgundy long coat draped over her shoulders. She held her purse with both hands, swinging it between her knees. Her smile was as fresh as the first breeze of spring. I never minded seeing her, but lately, I hadn’t felt very talkative. She had already spotted me, so I knew there was no hiding. I stood there, waiting for her to speak.
“Hey Zack! How you doing?” Emily asked me with sympathy in her voice. “I mean with everything you are going through, I don’t see you anymore. I tried calling you , but you wouldn’t pick up and I thought….Well it felt like showing up at your door would be a little intrusive given your situation..I just wanted you to come to me you know. An..” She stopped herself from talking as she felt my gaze focused on the wall.. “Are you gonna say something??or am I just talking to myself right now?”
She snapped her fingers in front of me which made me realize I had to say something to her, but I just couldn’t open my mouth.I probably didn’t have the energy for it or maybe I just didn’t want to.But I still somehow managed to reply. “ Yeah no, I was just zoned out for a moment.. And sorry for not picking up the calls. I was just busy with some work..And then you know there was the memorial..I had to see to everything myself.I j...” I moved my gaze down to the floor and I saw my foot swinging on the wooden floor. I again felt like I just couldn’t talk anymore. I just wanted this conversation to be over. “Soo …Yeah that’s it..going back to work today.” I looked at her, smiling as wide as I could.
We both started walking down the hall. Emily, walking beside me, tried to continue the conversation as we started climbing down the stairs. “Well I want you to know that if you need anything, anytime..I’ll be here..Like I always have been.” She gave me an assuring look to which I smiled again. I opened my mouth to say something but didn’t . When we reached the lobby I felt bad when it hit me that I hadn’t been replying to her properly. She was just trying to be a good friend.
“Emily!” I called her as she was about to leave the lobby of the building. “You don’t have to worry about me..okay? I’ll be fine.” I paused as I sensed she was about to say something. But she just gave me a comforting look and left the building. A rush of guilt passed through me but I thought I can make it up to her next time I see her. I kept staring at the door until it occurred to me I had to go to work as well.
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I decided to walk as my office isn’t too far away, besides the weather is quite nice today. But I know I am walking cause I just don’t want to talk to a cab driver or stand in between a gazillion people on the subway. It took me hardly fifteen minutes and I was standing in front of that tall building. I wanted to go in but the thought of people coming to me all day to show their condolences just made me nauseous. So I stood there for a minute and embraced myself for what was gonna happen. I entered the lobby and thankfully there was no one who knew me there so I hurried towards the elevator and waited an eternity for the door to close, luckily only two people entered the elevator so I didn’t have to talk to anybody. I thought I knew one of those guys , his name was Jacob or maybe something like Jared but he nodded seeing me so I nodded back. It took two long minutes before I finally reached my floor. I left the elevator and in front of me was a long hallway with rooms on both sides. I kept my stare on the ground and headed straight towards my cabin. I was about to put my bag on the table when I remembered that I forgot to check in at the reception .I left my bag there and headed towards the reception table. Our receptionist was a woman probably in her mid twenties. She is literally the most organized person I have ever met. Her table holds nothing but her laptop, a miniature vase, and — of course — her cup of coffee from Tim Hortons; she is Canadian, after all.
I was walking towards her but she saw me before I reached her table so I nodded awkwardly. That is literally the worst feeling. I mean if someone is coming to you why do you have to look them in the eye when he is literally twenty miles away. It becomes so weird as you can’t yell “Hello” from afar so you just walk staring here and there and fidgeting with your arms or fingers.Finally the awkward walk ended and I reached her table and leaned with my hands on the edges of the desk. “Morning Sarah!” I said being as enthusiastic as I could be.
“Morning Zack!”. She replied surprisingly as she didn’t just see me coming towards her.
“Uhh..just logging in.” I said keeping the conversation as minimalistic as it could be.
“Yeah sure one sec—-here.”
She put the fingerprint scanner in front of me. I pressed my thumb on the machine and turned away. Just as I started walking Sarah did what I had been fearing this whole time. “Zack!”
“Yes?” I said, turning my face towards her with a fake smile on my mouth.
“I heard about your mom, and I’m really sorry to hear that. My deepest condolences. If there’s anything at all I can do, don’t hesitate to let me know, eh?”
“Thanks Sarah, It really means a lot to me.”
I nodded at her with a smile as I walked away from her. When I sat at my desk I opened my laptop to start working knowing there will be a gazillion unanswered emails I’ll have to look after and I knew people will be coming all day to me to tell me how sorry they are and how hard it is on me and they wanna help me and all that random stuff they say which nobody ever means. I mean why do you feel bad for my mother passing away? Did you know her? Did you ever even meet her? No. You don’t even know ME that well to feel bad for me. Why do we always pretend to care for strangers we never knew and see once a day? Just so we can keep the environment happy?
It has always frustrated me when people ask things like “How are you?” You don’t care how I am and even if I were sick my answer would always be “Im fine.” So why the struggle? I Guess that’s something so deep in our culture that I can’t question it. And so I have to embrace it.
I started answering my mails and even the mails were people asking me how I am. I thought to myself, “When did I even make that many friends” , I don’t even talk to people properly. I answered them anyway because who knows if I ever have to ask these people for help, so I got to keep the connection straight.
The rest of my day was pretty pathetic as I didn’t have much to do but to keep thanking people for their concern. After eight long hours I finally signed off and packed my laptop. I got up and was headed towards the elevator when I ran into my team lead. I have been avoiding contact with people but it didn’t occur to me that I can’t go a whole day without talking to my own team. “Hello Mr Singh.” I initiated the conversation to show I wasn’t trying to ignore him all day.
“Hello Zack.How are you?”
“Never better Sir.”
“ I heard about what happened to your mother–and I am truly sorry for you. You didn’t have to rejoin so early, I wanted you to take your time.”
He said in his thick Indian accent. I am surprised he can still sound so Indian given he has been living in New York for almost twenty five years now. He probably visits India from time to time. I mean not everybody is deprived of a family.
“ Thanks Sir,Uh— it really means a lot. And don’t worry I am totally comfortable working again.”
“ Well that’s good. Ah– I guess you are going home right now but when you come in tomorrow make sure to let Ethan update you on the numbers, he was the one working in your stead.”
“ Yeah sure.” I replied and nodded with a smile before I left. Again keeping my eyes on the floor, I like to imagine no one can see me if I can’t see anyone. Yeah it’s foolish but enough to satisfy my guilt.
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