Broken hearted woman's plight

***BROKEN HEARTED WOMAN’S PLIGHT***

Who puts so many steps on a place like this, I never imagined entering a civil court could feel heavier than climbing a mountain. Since sunrise nothing has gone well. Not in accordance to my hopes and plans anyway.

I know my winning is inevitable so why am I this nervous. Wait… is that my reflection in the windowpane? I look a mess! Talk of putting myself into a suitable nice dress, there was not enough time to comb my hair, it’s really wild. My face looks terrible, it looks and feels like it’s taken a couple strong slaps, my eyes too. They are really swollen and red. Although besides the stress, the other reasons maybe embarrassing… I haven’t had a proper sleep in four days.

Is the security guard opening the door for me? He steps aside and like a perfect gentlemen directs me in. He’s lucky I’m six minutes late for my children’s custody hearing to give him any attention, I see through his pretence. Like every other man, pretending as though he has any respect for women.

There are too many people in here, far more than the last hearing! Every seat is taken, every one but mine. Most faces I haven’t seen, they are neither his friends nor relatives. My ex husband must’ve spent a fortune hiring them to daunt me. They’re all staring at me with these judgemental looks in their eyes, like they are looking at something alien, something strange and disgusting. As I sit down, a man at the back of my seat makes weird forced coughing-like sounds, mocking me... maybe that’s the petty role my ex husband has given him, take away my confidence.

It’s adjacent to my ex husband’s, my seat. Only divided by the aisle. I can see he’s changed a lawyer. Opted for a woman! She’s younger than me, and definitely prettier. Poised, has a smaller waist, huge but oddly attractive lips, a longer neck, she’s got everything beautiful on a woman that I don’t.

The judge is surprisingly impatient today, doesn’t even wait for me to gather myself, quickly jumps into it. Expresses how grateful she is that I finally joined as if six minutes is too much time to be wasted. Then jumps to asking my ex why he thinks he deserves the custody of our children. What’s wrong with her?! She did the same during the first and second hearing, dumping all the attention on him. I mean I’m the mother but she hardly ever gives me the opportunity to defend my standpoint. Shouldn’t I be asked that question first? She’s even given him the permission to change lawyers, is that even legal?

She stands up with a folded white paper in her left hand, my ex’s lawyer. Let her high heels beat against the floor and twist to the front where everyone can see her. He’s all the time been staring at her as she moved, my ex-husband, satisfied, a nefarious smirk on the mouth, like he’s already won.

She unfolds the paper. Looks at the judge, directly at me, at the crowd, back at the judge. And then starts by asking if it would be allowed that I come forward to the stand so she could ask some questions that can help give clarity to her representee’s pleas. Am I a criminal now? For not willing to be separated from my children. She just agrees like she isn’t the one in control of this court, the judge.

Wait! How did I miss this during the last and first hearings, the judge's been throwing this weird conversational eye at my ex-husband. Come to think of it, is it just coincidence that she’s also the one that did our divorce.

It's okay I will answer any questions this lawyer's got to prove to this hired audience that no one is more capable of taking care of the children. Unlike him I do not need no stupid lawyer to convince even this home wrecker of a judge that my children are better off staying with their mother.

She clears her throat, the lawyer, and then smiles at my ex-husband. God! I realize we're strangers but do I hate her soul. I wonder to how many men she's been more than just a lawyer.

'Ms Shandaro. Would you care to share with the court the last time you had something intoxicating?' the lawyer asks.

So what if I bowsed with Brenda, Nancy and mai TT last night, and maybe three or so nights before that, it helps me get my mind off things. When my husband and I divorced he left me adrift and isolated, I needed to feel something other than hurt.

'Is this even relevant!' I scream at the judge. Pause a little and without hesitation and with shaky but emphatic voice continue telling her that,

'First, my ex-husband claimed divorce and I let him have it. He may have left a couple properties and the, and the house to my name but he took one of the main reasons I had waking up early in the mornings, my husband! Now that I have slowly started mending myself what does he do? Huh? Pour hot water in the wounds?'

The whole court looks at me like I said something of a taboo.

Speaking of relevancy, faking hesitancy, maybe a little respect and pity for me, the lawyer goes ahead and asks how often I prepare meals for the children

'Why is she asking me that! I teach only good things to vana vangu inini, if I'm not there Tino can cook for her younger brother. She might be eleven but she is capable enough to looking after him, she may as well be capable of taking care of me too,' I say all that loudly! After all I'm proud of my parenting, I could say it a million times more if given a chance.

She looks at her paper, the lawyer, opens her mouth, closes it then finally says she's exhausted all the questions she had for me and the judge says it'd be fine if I reclaimed my seat.

The lawyer then requests for an audio to be played, says its a voice message of my daughter to her father. First she looks at me, the judge, then nods, giving her a go ahead. is she kidding me? During the first hearing she said that the children were not to participate in all the court's proceedings, claimed it would damage them psychologically. How is it any different from this then?...

The recording is very short and straight to the point, Tino is pleading to her father that she and her brother be taken away from me, says that I bring men at night. Oftentimes, I take blue pills that results in me looking lifeless, like those zombies from the TV, and most days I come back home drunk, says it frightens her.

No, no, no nononono, that's not how she feels.

'You put her up to this! You forced her to say zvinhu zvakashata about me didn't you?' Not realizing that I'm now on my feet I furiously scream at my ex-husband. Then suddenly forget that there are people with eyes on me, my mind throat deep in thoughts, Really? Am I so rejectable and horrible to be around that even my children have abandoned me also. I can't control the tears. I had not any emotional connection with any of those men. My friends told me that it would help and I have only brought them home since the children’s custody first hearing. Frankly maybe a desperate young part of me hoped the children'd notice, tell their father, maybe he'd get a little jealous, feel a bit protective about his family and even though it would never be the same, feel pressured to reconstruct our marriage.

I let out an ear deafening scream! This is too much for me to handle, I have never felt this heartbroken. Divorce was very bad but it did not hurt like this, not like my daughter’s words.

Wait… Have I been quiet for long? They look like they_Everyone watching the hearing have been waiting for for my response, yet all I just did was scream. Some of them look shocked and confused. Some are whispering and pointing fingers.

This is a bad feeling I'm getting, I feel I played right into this lawyer’s filthy hands. Proved I'm too big a lunatic to take care of the children. This will go down in history as the shortest court session ever. I've lost again.

'MWANA WEMUROYI! I'm going to kill you,' I pounce on him, my ex-husband, grab him by the collar and begin shaking him with so much vigour. He once told me he finds intellect sexy, now he's gone and proved his point, left me for a f**king lawyer!

Is intelligence the only thing that matter? I've been nothing but loyal to this man. I even quit my job and dismissed the housemaid so I could properly take care of him, cook for him, do his laundry. I have given… Sacrificed everything I am for this family.

Four men from the audience rush to restrain me. My breasts, my abdomen, grabbing everywhere not minding what they put their hands on, I can feel a hand slipping fambling around my virgina. I keep kicking and trying to reach for him… until I completely tire and unable to stand. And so powerless that I can’t see or hear proper.

Even though the men are leaving me lying here half naked, half dead, soaking in my own tears like something emotionless made only to be toyed with, at least the wrestling is over. I hurt everywhere

‘Out everyone!' the voice is pretty faint but I imagine it's the judge shouting at people who've circled around me. Its her voice I hear last before everything goes black

I am not sure for how long but, I must've passed out. Only my ex-husband, his lawyer, one female officer and the judge remain. All the others have been driven out. My ex husband tells the judge that he's already contacted the asylum, they are already on their way and hopes they are able to help, then accompanied by his lawyer heads towards the exit shoulder to shoulder.

I feel very cold, especially on my back. The dress moved all the way to the neck during the tussle, leaving my underwear and even my bras exposed. They did not even bother to cover me, suppose they took my unconsciousness for melodrama.

The judge and female officer both come and help me to my feet. The judge has watery eyes. They are happy tears, must be. She must have been laughing her guts out. She removes her coat and covers me with it, 'get yourself together shamari. It's possible for you to reopen the custody case, your children are still very young. They need their mother.' she says

Is this her way of mocking me, exhibiting fake sympathy and kindness, she ought to spare me the sentiments. I saw the eye, I saw what she did, her looking at him like she is looking at something other worldly. I remove the coat and throw it in her face.

'Was it good? Hmm? The sex? I know you slept with him,' I realize what I said is no joke but this makes me laugh.

Tears run down her cheeks as she quivers. She shakes her head and leave, running in her heels. Two women in uniform from the asylum walk in. With tighter grips for women grab me by the hands and lead the way to the exit. Almost dragging me.

Their vehicle is right there, parked in reverse so close to the steps. Seems all those people who were witnessing the hearing have been driven away from the stairway to the court’s entrance by those three giant police officers, now joined by a few people from the news and papers they’ve crowded just a little further from the vehicle.

I'm sure the people from the asylum’d've driven into the court if it were possible. Whether they have been bribed or threatened I can't tell. They are hurrying, like a trophy has been promised upon my arriving at their crazy people’s hospital. They did not even silence the engine.

He, my ex-husband is standing beside the vehicle conversing with his lawyer, smiling to what she just said. Its almost celebratory, his smile, like he's won a lottery or something. Like taking my children from me is fortune altering.

Upon noticing me, he puts on a sad face and keeps staring. It's a look I've never seen from him, mixed with regret and shame.

I have to loosen the women's grip and walk faster, and quickly into the vehicle to escape his grasp, he may have won the custody but that does not earn him the right to judge me.

As I sit down and try losing myself in contemplation, he's already there, leaning against the vehicle. Looking at me. He says it does not please him to see me in this state and does not wish to separate me from the children, just until I get better. Well, I can't answer to that, even children realize it when they are not needed. I just sit back, close my eyes and bite my bottom lip so not a word escapes, at least until the vehicle takes off.

When I open my eyes, with journalists’ camera lights sending me off and him standing in front of them with his fists clenched, we are already driving away from the court, past the parking lot.

My children are there, in their father's blue SUV. Playing with their newly bought gadgets and enjoying snacks. They are supposed to be in school, and after then back home, with me. It seems while I've been fighting for them they have been against me all this time. It's heart breaking how quick loved ones even those you brought into this world turn from family into enemy.