Chapter 1
TW: self-harm, emotional and verbal abuse, depressive thoughts
2012:
REASONS WHY PEOPLE SHOULD HATE ME:
I’m fat and ugly. I’ll never be as skinny or beautiful as Cat and Tori.
I’m too tall.
My smile is awkward. I had to wear braces for three years or else I’d have needed jaw surgery.
My cheeks are chubby.
I’m pretty sure I have a double chin.
My skin is too pale, and I can’t tan.
My blue eyes make me stand out.
My side profile makes me feel ugly.
My body is a cage. It betrayed me when I gained 30 pounds in three months and became fat and ugly. I couldn’t even vomit all the food I’d eaten. I hate my body so much I can’t stand the sight of it naked. I can’t even look at it after I’ve showered. I can’t be naked in front of Beck when we have sex.
I hide food. I started hiding food when I was 16, when I refused to eat dinner with my mother. I hide snacks because I’m afraid someone’s going to steal my food and leave me hungry. Sometimes I eat because I’m emotional.
I can’t even stand up for myself anymore. I let people spread rumors about me and beat me up in the hallways. To them, I’m just “a bitch,” “a gank,” “a freak,” “a monster,” “a sociopath,” “the school’s resident whore,” “Amy Lee,” “the Twilight vampire,” and millions of other degrading names. Most of them haven’t called me by my real name in over a year. The day I was first called “a sociopath,” someone spat in my face. I felt like I was being crucified, wearing a crown of thorns.
I relapsed into self-harm. These days, I can hardly stay clean for an hour, let alone a day. The scratches on my forearms have multiplied like rabbits. I can’t even slam my head against the wall anymore—the last time I did that, I got a mild concussion and ended up in the ER. My eyebrow tweezers are all I have left. My scissors and the scars under my breasts and on my bikini line aren’t enough.
My own parents hate me. They probably wish I were never born. I had to run away from home with my little brother. In my mother’s eyes, I’m nothing more than “a partridge who let herself go,” “a little bitch,” “trouble,” “incompetent,” “disgusting,” “an underage prostitute,” “idiot.” My father hardly ever looked at me—he’s always been married to his job.
I’m a burden.
I was never the perfect daughter. I didn’t have the same ambitions as most people in my environment. I never made my parents proud, even when I was seen as “quiet and obedient.”
I come from the kind of environment that controls your world, whether you know it or not. And there’s nothing you can do to stop them. I’ve seen things most people will never believe.
I’m scared of death, but I’ve been suicidal. How pathetic is that? I couldn’t even kill myself because of my fears.
I drag everyone around me down.
I take up too much space—both literally and figuratively.
I’m scared to make promises because I’m scared of breaking them.
I always push people away and hurt them because of my stupidity, selfishness, anger, hurt, and pain.
I have inner demons.
I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t fit in.
I isolate myself and run away from my problems because I always feel unnecessary, unwanted, and unneeded.
REASONS WHY PEOPLE SHOULD LIKE ME:
I’m hard-working.
I love bunnies.
I like to read.
I love music.
I love my friends, my little brother, and Beck, and I’d fight for their happiness in a heartbeat.
I try my hardest to keep my promises. I promised myself I wouldn’t take laxatives again after Cat and I abused them to lose weight back in sophomore year. Even during my hardest days, when I weighed 140 pounds, I didn’t take any. It was to protect Cat, especially—I didn’t want her to be influenced by me.
2024:
REASONS WHY PEOPLE SHOULD DISLIKE ME (or so I imagine):
I don’t share the same beliefs as many people. Or if I do, it’s for completely different reasons based on my life experiences. I understand I was born into a certain type of environment, but that doesn’t mean it was all glitz and glamour. If only people knew how much I wish I weren’t born there. Nobody chooses where they’re born. You can’t change your past.
After all these years, I still have a hard time loosening up in front of people. I still feel lonely in a room full of people. It brings me back to my high school days.
I still feel it’s my fault that my first pet bunny died. I didn’t give him the love he deserved, especially when Beck and I were in university. We were focused on taking care of Jack and earning money to provide for him.
Despite everything I do, people still find reasons to hate me without knowing me.
REASONS WHY PEOPLE SHOULD LIKE ME (if they want to, of course):
I’ve accomplished a lot. I was the valedictorian when I graduated from high school. I attended Juilliard on a full scholarship. My first play, which I wrote and directed at 15, was somewhat successful, leading to its revival in New York a few years later. My first short film, which I wrote, directed, and produced at 17, was a success, and people still discuss it, especially regarding mental health. I’ve written and directed multiple music videos, films, and plays since then. I’ve acted in films and plays. I still get music gigs as a singer and pianist. Let’s keep this a secret: I volunteer at soup kitchens and shelters every weekend. I love connecting with people. I’m proud of teaching the kids there to sing, play piano, and analyze literature. Watching them grow fills my heart with something I think is pride.
While I’m not the friendliest person, it’s easier for me to make friends now.
I love music.
I love to write.
I love taking walks.
I love movies.
I love books and reading. We can discuss books together!
I love my family.
I love my friends.
My dream of living in New York and being happily married to Beck came true.
My smile is kind of cute. It suits my face now that I think about it.
I’m growing to love my naturally wavy hair.
I look good in wide-leg pants and trendy clothes.
I think I’m starting to like my eye color because it reminds me of the ocean, which I’ve grown to appreciate.
I nailed the “Given Up” scream in public and made Chester proud.
I’m learning to be an amazing mom for my future children.
Because, just like you, I’m a human being with wants, fears, emotions, and dreams. Just like you, I have the right to be happy!
In 2012, Jade showed the lists to Lane Alexander, her school counselor. He had read through her heartbreaking reasons for being disliked, his face a mixture of sadness and understanding. He had asked her to make a new list—a list of reasons she should be liked. It had been hard for her back then, but she had tried.
Years later, in 2024, Jade shared these new lists with Dr. Bennett, her therapist. Dr. Bennett had known her since she was 19 and had seen the progress she had made over the years. Jade still struggled, but the lists reflected her growth and resilience.
Beck found both sets of lists—first back in 2012 when they lived together in his RV, and later in 2024. In 2012, when he saw her list of reasons for being disliked, he had cried. He wrote a response back then, a list of his own:
Reasons Why Jade Should Be Disliked:
NONE.
And then he wrote another:
Reasons Why Jade Should Be LOVED:
She’s strong, even when she doesn’t feel it.
She makes people laugh, even when she’s hurting.
She’s real—more real than anyone else.
She’s creative, and her art is beautiful.
She makes me feel alive every day.
She stands up for what’s right.
She loves with her whole heart, even when it scares her.
She’s brilliant and always learning.
She never gives up, no matter how hard it gets.
She loves me, and I’ll never stop loving her.
In 2024, when Beck found Jade’s updated lists, he was proud of the woman she had grown into. She had fought so many battles, both within and outside herself, and though the scars remained, they were a testament to her strength. Beck sat with the lists in his hands, tears once again filling his eyes—not out of sadness this time, but because of the incredible woman he was lucky enough to love.
