Unhinged Desire

“I hate you…”

“I love you…”

“You’re just stupid.”

“I am but that’s beside the point.”

“I could stick a knife in you and you’d call me cupid.”

“Possibly, I don’t know.”

“We’re both sick people.” Removing his arm from her neck and brushing the side of her naked leg. Plump and shapely but muscular at the same time.

“Our friends think we’ll commit suicide together if we don’t kill each other first.”

“What a shame that would be.” She meant it too. “Since we’re so perfect for each other and give each other a reason to get up every day.”

“...And sleep together every night.”

“Unfortunate as that seems.” Rolling over and shaking the pack open for a cigarette. Pointing the box in his direction. He shook his head.

The room was dark as shadows played across their faces through Venetian blinds in a horror show kind of way. She tossed the pack aside and released the first puff quickly, filling it with a breathy sigh.

He got up and went to the toilet to splash water on his face, removing some of the sweat from their most recent bedroom encounter; a major exertion beyond the norm as far as they were concerned. Each time more intense and vocal, upsetting some of the neighbors who began complaining about excessive noise through the walls. Banging against the headboard was an especially distinctive feature of their nighttime activities since Cali let herself go more and more each time much to the chagrin of those same hapless neighbors.

“Time for work? Do you have to?” Head dropping between her knees, hair falling over her thighs.

“Don’t want to, I know that. You?”

“I’m off today. Took the day off..for us?”

“You mean to avoid the consequences from your boyfriend?”

“Boyfriends, remember, there’s more than one. Have you forgotten already?” Clicking her tongue to underscore the point.

“It’s because I want and need to forget. What other choice do I have?” Stretching his arms high and bending side to side.

“I offered you the opportunity to be exclusive but you turned me down, remember?” Lowering her gaze and regarding him closely.

“I like being compared to others and being the clear winner at the head of everyone else. Especially when it comes to love.”

“Love?” she chuckled, “Is that what you’d call this?” Harsh lines popping out on her face.

“Silly, isn’t it?”

“Not much sillier than anything else in this crazy world with relationships like ours.”

“Love’s crazier than all of it combined.”

“Don’t know but you could knock me over with a feather if that was the case.”

“It’s the case if you want it to be.”

She got up, dressed, collected her purse and stuffed a few personal items inside. Looking around quickly to see if there was anything she might have forgotten. Even though she knew she’d get it back, it left her exposed to ridicule if she didn’t gather everything like she was never there. There was an ongoing battle between them (since they weren’t the soft, cuddly types of lovers) to prove they were competent, strong and viewed the relationship as anything but a big deal.

“Well, time to pop off as they say…”

“Who?”

“What?”

“Who says that?”

“I do…”

“And you did.”

She walked to the door after turning on her heel with a slight nod that indicated she wasn’t about to get sentimental. She loved the stupid bastard (not that she’d ever admit it to herself) but that wasn’t what their relationship was about. It was straight back alley loving and something they both relished wickedly. Experts and gluttons for personal punishment in that way. In a flash, she was gone and he, alone.

“Bitch doesn’t even know how to say goodbye. She’s too tough and cold for me. I love her, at least I think I do. Nah, that’s definitely what it is but I’d never let her know. Would destroy the entire dynamic of the thing.”

He threw his shoes across the room after sitting on the edge of the bed a while, intending to put them on. Nothing in his life frustrated him more than when she was gone from his presence. He couldn’t wait for her to leave but missed her terribly when she was gone. Vicious cycles in spades is what it amounted to, driving him literally crazy.

He looked out the window and watched her walk down the street, shaking her ass so much he was sure it was going to fall off and he’d need to go down there and retrieve it for her. At times, she was terribly clumsy but tried to hide it from him which was the cutest thing in the world. He couldn’t express those “softer” emotions because it wasn’t the operating basis of their relationship in any way.

It was past time to tackle his work as a sculptor to keep his commission. Not a tremendous money-maker by any stretch but all he could do and all he ever wanted to do. That being said, it was starting to produce a bit of income in spite of the unlikelihood. Actually more than expected in all honesty. He wasn’t really suited to any other lifestyle and others supported this view since he drank excessively and refused to get up before 2pm.

Cali lost a heel en route to the revolving door of the office building where she worked. Almost tardy for a last minute meeting scheduled with the board and they hated repeating key data points for latecomers (so much for her day off). She also realized her own residual feelings about secret and shameful nighttime activities made her feel addled around her colleagues at times, creating undue tension without apparent cause. Resenting her own out of control desires.

“Welcome Cali. Just in time,” one member glanced at his watch, “We were discussing the development potential of one of the latest, up-and-coming neighborhoods south of the city. So far the projections appear positive and we’re awaiting your input. Check out the folder at your seat. All the information’s there.”

“Thanks. How accurate are the projections and did you double-check they’ve been run through all the proper channels at this point?” Flipping open her makeup mirror to adjust what she believed was a disheveled appearance (feeling “disheveled” inside was more like it).

“As accurate as projections can be on any project.” A gray-haired, thoughtful man frowned at the paper in front of him, scratching his head and fretting over some private thought of his own. “I think we can trust these figures. That’s my take.”

“I always defer to your opinions. If we green light construction to begin next month, what obstacles do we face at this point? Funding?”

“Always funding.”

“Goddamned banks, private lenders and investors are our biggest problem every time. I’ll give them a call again and see if I can smooth things over before we go to the wall over the exact figures.”

“Your specialty. We’ll leave it to you in complete confidence.” The man replaced the paper he’d been looking at and removed another one. Winking at her crossing her legs under the table as something flashed in her eyes behind glasses with a rope attachment. Looking very sultry and “all business” at the same time. Did every man pick up on the fact she was a slut in spite of any and all attempts to hide it? She was a slut, wasn’t she (and proud of it), right? Life was meant to be lived after all. Eight lovers, was that too much for a woman of power, prestige and a taste for the finer things? She lowered her head in shame tinged with a glimmer of pride at her own freedom and lack of concern for what others thought. Whore too? Maybe…

“I’m on it like super glue, Charles. You’re looking on top of the world by the way.” Enjoying toying with him because she didn’t need anything from him. He was her equal. She always sensed he wouldn’t mind something more in spite of having a younger wife prettier than herself. Her senses were never wrong when it came to that. Why complicate matters more than they already were though? She was attracted to him in terms of her skills as a man killer but it was risky and could jeopardize her position at the property development firm.

“Counting on you, Cali.” Winking as if aware of what she was thinking. He was a perceptive man with the wealth and women to prove it. A good conquest for anyone.

After the meeting terminated she escaped to the office and a blank computer screen for five minutes, unable to face the number crunching exercise right off the bat. Glancing at her phone after hearing it beep uncontrollably. It was him and she knew even before looking.

“Miss you…finished a bust of you. What do you think?” It was good she had to admit but to acknowledge he was a brilliant artist would indicate she was more committed to the relationship than she cared to share.

“It’s OK,” she sent to keep his ego in check. The greatest lover she ever had and something she might get used to under the right circumstances.

“Figures…data…*sigh*...beautiful lips…” Unable to tear her eyes away from the bust. The curvature of the mouth and slightly painful expression in the eyes made her want to shed a tear. Why did something so insignificant—another fling—affect her this way? It would be over again soon.

He messaged back: “I don’t think I captured you in all your many shades and variations. You’re unfathomably complex.”

“You did better than you think,” she revealed against better judgment, “I’m happy with the result.” Unable to take her eyes off the wells under the eyes which captured her emotional state perfectly (in certain situations and overall outlook on life). Affecting her more than she realized or cared to ponder.

“I never know whether you’re kidding me or not,” came the next message. “You’ve given me something to think about though. Got another idea after having this conversation. See you tonight.”

“I can’t make it. I’m busy.” Playing hard to get was the usual tactic.

“OK, so, 10:00 then? I’ll chase you down if you don’t show.”

“Try it, big dummy. You’ll meet my darker side and .38 special to boot. Stay clear of any violent intentions where I’m concerned. You’ll regret it.” There was a hollow sound in her text, ringing true as though every word was a solemn vow. .

“You’re a rotten liar, you know that? You’d do anything to be with me and I’m the exact same. Since everything about our illicit relationship screams wrong is precisely what makes it so right when all’s said and done.”

“Being bad never felt so good? Is that what you’re saying? LOL,” she texted back with a sneer emoji.

He didn’t reply but she expected that by now. A little additional mystery and disrespect always added to the charged tension in their relationship. It was, in fact, what kept it from becoming sappy, sentimental or dull in any way. Also kept them constantly uncertain and emotionally raw from pain and longing. Maybe they’d discovered a secret formula for longevity or maybe she hated herself just that much. Who could tell? Whatever initial rationalizations she made, it was inevitable she’d end up at his place.

“Figures…numbers…blah! Looks like we’re destined to make lots of money from this venture but I’m not inspired to follow through at this very moment. I’m on the hamster wheel of progress, making money even though I have enough. More than enough to retire. Retire?” Laughing at the thought. Powerful folks never do that. It’s sacrilege to even consider it. She glanced down at her black sheen stockings and noticed a run in them. Like everything else in her life, nothing was perfect or even close to that lofty prospect.

After forcing herself to finish her work, she joined another colleague for lunch. Sarah, her closest friend and ally at the office who’d been there as long as she had. In fact, they graduated from the same university, Virginia State. Learning how to do jello shots properly together. Awful things and always in the same clubs as a bizarre yet instructive rite of passage.

“You look haggard,” were the first words out of her mouth, “How are you keeping yourself these days? I know you love your little late night adventures but you’re almost thirty and perhaps it’s time to think about settling down. Cali, you worry me.”

“Not as much as I do my mom. You’re at the end of a long line to quote a phrase.”

“You’re a glutton for punishment. We double dated many times and always had healthy and wholesome relationships. What happened to you?”

“You mean how did I go astray?”

“Somewhere you went off the deep end and dropped off a cliff!” Deep furrows cropping out on her forehead.

“I went bad and like bad boys way too much, is that what you’re saying? I like to stretch myself to the limit and play with fire until I’m consumed?”

“You’re jumping head first into a volcano but farbeit for me to complain. You know my record with marriages and what not. Three failed ones already. Blah! I’m one to talk about anyone’s relationship quirks and failures.” Shaking her head and dumping another forkful of noodles into her mouth.

“You’re a big help because you care. No one else does and no one ever has. My mother’s like my dependent. She can’t survive without me and my dad’s completely absent from my life. Major daddy complex issues define my life and loves. I’ve told you that before.”

“Let it all hang out, sister. You do you without apology or regrets. I’m on your side. It’s destroying you but you love the pain and suffering more than anyone else.”

“I love men with all their faults, misconceptions and childish tendencies. That’s what I love more than is healthy for any woman.” Sipping her iced tea thoughtfully and tossing another drop of yoghurt into her mouth, letting a sliver slip down onto the seafood salad she tried to finish as quickly as possible.

“They have many and so do we apparently as your experience and mine clearly demonstrate. Can’t deny the flaws and challenges draw us in like moths to the flame. We’re women born of the adventurous spirit, trying to figure out who we are while testing how much disappointment we can take. That’s how I see it.” Sarah placed her hand on Cali’s knee and squeezed to elicit a more personal reaction.

“Well, back to work. Are you feeling as overwhelmed as I am at this point?”

“I’m in accounting where the workload never eases up, only shades of bad to worse. Boredom too. You think you have a fear of numbers? Sheesh!”

“Mine bite more than yours. We never know if the ones we see daily are real or just a figment of someone’s overactive imagination.” She confided with a sudden dark shadow covering her face.

“Or designed to make a project look a lot more attractive to investors than it actually is. Is that what you’re getting at?” Sarah smirked with sagging cheeks.

“You know that too well from a safe position in the number crunching side of things.” Cali bumped shoulders with her, envy showing through her attempt to appear light and carefree.

“We all have our crosses to bear.”

“I’ve borne more than my fair share with the men I run around with. Job and personal life are just different shades of living at the edge of safety and sanity.”

“Get over yourself, girl. Lots of women have it much worse than we do.” “That’s what I keep telling myself and still don’t believe it.”

“Cool it, cookie.”

“Alright, see you later. Thanks for the pep talk by the way. As usual…”

“Nothing I wouldn’t do for my worst enemy.” She chuckled with a grin that faded quickly.

Cali jumped up and demanded she pay the bill before Sarah had a chance to say anything. No friend of hers was going to be of so much help emotionally AND pick up the bill too. Wasn’t ever gonna happen that way.

“See ya Catwoman!”

She flashed a ferocious expression in response to the characterization and slunk back to the office to continue the process of diving into making mathematical sense of the indefensible from a financial standpoint. Trying to make things as palatable and attention-getting as possible.

“Beautiful. All wrapped up with a ribbon and bow. That ought to knock their socks off and if it doesn’t, I’ll knock their teeth out. Hard to please financiers.”

She hit the save key and sent the final product to all partners, thinking about the sculpture with wells under the eyes that made her consider how much emotional depth she had that only he saw and no one else. Where was this going? He was her number one now but what exactly did that mean? Wasn’t like they were ever going to get married or anything. Ick! Marriage? She’d rather be thrown in prison or so she told herself. To someone who knew her well, he could define her with ocular accents. That scared her paralytic to be honest. Reckless.

“I’m a stupid female. But maybe we’re all stupid when it comes to love and sex. There are no geniuses.”

When she glided into the room that night, there was a strong odor of cigarettes and liquor already in the air. He’d gotten ahead of her. She wasn’t strictly in the mood for indulging so much, needing more companionship and distraction from her own inner state which wasn’t settled at the moment. Men were a good diversion from loneliness and despair which was a major driver of her seeking them out, so many of them, on a regular basis.

“You’re late. I was expecting you an hour ago.” He hissed, since a bit of scorn went a long way in their interactions. “I’m horny and you made me wait again.”

“Sorry my schedule doesn’t align with your hormones. I thought you were all about self-control and could handle anything. An hour’s wait blows it all to hell?”

“Hah! You’re one to talk with your schoolgirl outbursts after sex. Who often sounds like a jilted and rejected child.”

“Speaking of which, I’ve got a headache.”

“So do I as luck would have it.”

“Guess we’re doing it with frowns this time.”

Why not?” Chuckling at his own unshakeable nerve. “You look much cuter when you pout. Makes me hornier than when you smile.” Removing his buttoned shirt with a noticeably exaggerated motion and tossing it to one side after a single twirl that accelerated its flight.

“Want me to undress slowly or quickly this time?” Gaze fixed on him.

“Slowly, I want to savor the sweetness of your body shape. Curves one would expect on the most windy Swiss Alps highway, maybe better when all’s said and done. Can’t tell and wouldn’t know.”

“Bastard. You know my curves are the best you’ve ever seen and ever will. What do you say to that? Look at me…” Turning on the balls of her feet, left to right, with lifted heels. “Can’t argue with that. Grabbing her by the arm and tossing her on the bed roughly. Just a bit at first, respecting the process should be gradual and increase in intensity. “You’re almost as frail as a feather ready to be plucked at any point in time.”

“Why do I make you so nervous if you’re always telling me how weak I am? Unintimidating I am?” Smirking at him, pissing him off, and driving him absolutely crazy. Challenging his masculinity and making him want to punish her sexually.

“Your inability to be shocked or subdued. Never met a woman who didn’t have some breaking point.” Shuddering at the thought.

“Never met a man who didn’t either. We seem to scare each other witless, which amounts to the heat and friction in our relationship.” Licking her lips as white lingerie and see-thru panties occupied his attention like a flaming blimp about to crash.

“Dessert is here…yum yum…” climbing on top of her like a cat prowling over a carcass, sniffing every part of her body. “Wicked.”

“You are…I am…we are…together!”

“Lay flat and let me tickle you to death. Don’t move or it’ll spoil the effect, you have to be very resilient and not squirm or react. Build up the tension so it’ll all come out in one megablast of ecstasy.”

She could only laugh since it was just like him to overintellectualize a sexual event as he flicked her nipples, stiff-tongued, over the silky soft material. The effect made her want to writhe with pleasure but she remembered what he said and resisted, at least for the moment. She didn’t want to be too obedient after all.

He rubbed her thighs with his hands while sucking her nipples harder until they chaffed slightly under his not-so-tender care. Scraping his nails against her inner thighs till she shook but only slightly and only for a second. What was he doing? Trying to torture, bring her to the point of ecstasy or something else? A bit of both?

“Bastard—you asshole!”

“Bitch and slut! How much do you love it when I do this to you?” Grabbing hold of her hair and yanking her head back for a kiss before guiding her head down between his legs forcibly. Making her struggle to get her head into position but not close enough to commit the act and not allowing her to get away either. She didn’t have to beg exactly but had to want it, need it, be his slave.

“Dirty bastard! Swinish beast! Ravaging demon! You’re an evil conqueror of women with no respect for any of us. Violating women’s rights!” Adding to the narrative with as much intention and drama as she could muster. Reaching out to pull him closer which he resisted because the tension between them had to be as much physical as psychological. The combination, unmistakably devastating.

“Pleasure me down there my little slave. You were born to give me pleasure because that’s your

highest purpose in life. Hope you realize that.”

“Your pleasure’s all I care about, my liege lord!” Moaning while wrapping her lips around his member and attempting to rip it off him in one strenuous and heaving effort. She would make him pay for being such a master of every fiber of her being. Any man with such power must suffer for the privilege.

He pulled her up before savaging her breasts with his hands, sucking her nipples with raw energy and power. Stroking her inner thighs with the points of his nails, digging them in just enough to cause tingles of irritation, heightening the sensations between them. She was dripping by this time but it wasn’t enough. He was waiting for the constant surge so he could slide into her like a raft on a raging river.

“Uh…uh…,” trying to curtail the primal need for more, wanting to submit but denying her own vivacious desire for him, whom she hated because he needed it too, “...dear, that’s incredible. In-cred-ible. You’re driving me wild. W-il-d!”

“Glad you think so but I don’t care what a little whore like you wants. I’ll do whatever I please to you and you’ll take it because you don’t deserve any better.”

“Do your worst. I can handle anything!”

“Hah! A challenge. I accept bitch!”

“That all you got, tough guy?”

“I haven’t even gotten started on you yet!” Hiking up one leg over his shoulder while teasing the vagina walls of her pussy with his hardened meat stick. Taking pleasure in her writhing around and moaning uncontrollably.

“Fabulous, I await the next round of pain or pleasure. Your choice, beastmaster…”

Throwing her other leg over his shoulder and squeezing his neck with all her might. She tossed her head back, letting her hair splay across the pillow and headboard. A sudden desire to knee him in the balls and pretend it was an accident struck her from nowhere. Similar thoughts had occurred on previous occasions during sex just to see how he’d react. Moving her legs around to test whether she could make it look like an accident; convincing herself it was an innocent wish and not her primary intention.

“Damn all this waiting. Give it to me torture devil! Get inside me, I can’t wait any longer. I’m about to explode with anticipation…”

“Hah, that’s what you always say yet you’re still here and so am I. We’re long survivors of suffering and torment who will continue to endure. The gifts we give each other. Priceless treasures.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about like you don’t really know what you’re doing. I can see through your little act.” As the room became hot and heavy with their breath and incendiary activity. “All you can do is toy with me but you can’t take what you want like the beast you pretend to be.”

“I’ll take you and stick you like the pig you are! The little whore you aspire to be but never quite let yourself go even though you want to.”

“I’m a whore and you’re a ravenous pig in a pen.” Drawing his swollen member into her dripping wet, hungry cavern. Wanting to suck every bit of him inside her, not only the parts that naturally fit.

“Enough! The hour of the time is here! Get ready bitch!” Pounding her like a battering ram between her shifting, squirming legs. A shameless glutton for these moments and surrender was the only option but she wasn’t completely submissive even under the most intense feelings of pressure, lust and desire. Nothing was as simple as it seemed when it came to sexual passions or endless pleasure streams.

“Only a disgusting, vile animal like yourself would even give the time of day to a nasty, ever-in-heat slut like myself.” Wrapping her arms around his neck with him thrusting over and over as a piledriver driving a wedge through pure granite. Clawing her nails into his thick-skinned back and squeezing his butt cheeks like she wanted to drain the stuffing right out of them. Emasculate by ripping off his testicles with her inner thighs, tame the wild animal that he was and send him back to his tribe in shame.

“I’m wild for this, you, us…dreaming about these days and nights all the time, those shadows that mirror us as we screw.” He was babbling or trying to say something remotely poetic to add quality and substance to a mere lustful encounter. It was something that drove the devil out of her (which admittedly didn’t take much effort).

“These moments are the best of my life and something I think about all the time. Especially the dirty talk. Nothing liberates my soul more than that. I don’t have to care what anyone thinks, especially the one screwing the daylights out of my ass!”

Laughing at the absurdity of her words in light of the utter lewdness of the situation. She liked indulging in outrageous and even schizoid thoughts while partaking in primal activity like salacious lovemaking. What could be more at the fringe of human experience than that?

“I could die in your arms tonight?” Curling her head forward to kiss him.

“You just might if you keep talking like that, you freak! I thought we agreed not to get too mushy or sentimental about things. You’re not backtracking on our agreement not to involve too many emotions, are you?”

“Can’t help but have a few when it’s this good. It’s your fault. Hard to be a robot with your lovemaking prowess.” Smirking at him and squeezing his butt harder. Driving him deeper inside as the entire thing set her body on fire. Being consumed was good!

“We talk too much when we’re doing the deed but I think it adds to the overall excitement. I really feel for the first time that chatting, especially dirty and competitively, heightens it for me.”

“Stop it, you foolish jerk. You’re just saying that because you think it’ll sound good to me. You’re hoping to impress me with compliments because you know I love to talk out my feelings. Give it up because you sound like a suck up.” “Hah! You’re not going to get me with that played up routine, calling me names and hoping it upsets me. You should know by now that egging me on like that doesn’t work.” Lifting up the corners of his mouth while peering down at her, the petulant child.

She laughed at his reaction because he was right. She was always trying to get his goat and stick it to him. Catch him off guard in some way by testing his vulnerabilities. It was the way of the subservient to the master. The rules of engagement for them.

When they were finished and every last bit of his joy juice was all over her body, they laid on opposite sides of the bed in silence. Suddenly conversation wasn’t natural or fancy free any longer. Both staring in the opposite direction and reviewing all the details of what just happened in vivid imagery. Not wanting to spoil satisfaction or satiation with words because it was whole, complete and pervasive.

“I have to go.”

“You don’t want to stay the night? You can wash up here before work tomorrow.”

“Starts to feel like a real relationship when I do that. Could be dangerous. Not my cup of tea as I’ve told myself on more than one occasion. The longer we spend together enjoying each other’s company, the more it seems like a normal, healthy relationship.” She frowned and hissed at the thought.

“And that’s simply unacceptable where you’re concerned?” He chuckled light-heartedly, stroking her hair with the back of his hand. “Kind of pretentious, don’t you think?”

“Isn’t it that way for you?”

Looking down thoughtfully, “I don’t know. Is that your ultimate take?”

“Don’t know anymore but can’t stay tonight. It’s affecting me all wrong and I don’t like it.” Dressing and arranging her things to take with her. “Hand me my hairbrush. I’ll need it tomorrow or I’ll look like a ghoul.”

“The way we spend our nights together, I think we’re both ghouls.”

“We transition through each other’s lives like a couple of broken down old barges in the night, don’t we?” Smiling wickedly and sighing heavily. Stretching her back and reaching her arms to the sky. Yawning to cap it all off in a complete cycle.

“That said, I’m out of here. Been amazing but there’s only so much I can take.”

“See you tonight, kid.”

“Yeah, we’ll see.”

“That’s a yes.”

“It’s a definite maybe…”

He laughed at this. “You’re an addict, you know.”

“To work?”

He laughed again. “To me and all this.”

She walked out without another word. Some things were better left unsaid like maintaining a certain level of disregard for each other to keep animosity and competition high. Her home felt cold when she returned to dark surroundings before switching on the light. Dropping her purse on a sad low coffee table, sighing and rubbing her face vigorously while being careful not to smear the makeup too much. It was hard coming home to nothing. She checked her phone and there were five messages from five different men. Typical but less than usual, she wasn’t impressed and had no desire to hook up with any of them for the rest of the day. She kept thinking of “him” but didn’t want that either. Playthings and role-playing playmates were not to be recognized as any more than they were.

She laid on the bed and glared up at the ceiling with a growing migraine headache. Used to having them following a good time by now. It seemed to her that pain always followed the pleasure she felt like there was a clear price to pay for happiness. Hateful as that was, but it was all only temporary, particularly in her life. Crazy life, unhappy wife, or permanent bridesmaid in this case.

She lit a cigarette and stepped out on the balcony as the moon appeared from behind a cloud, spotlighting her face and forcing her eyes open. She lifted her chin and firmed her cheeks in an attempt to bolster her resolve and push away feelings of loneliness and detachment. Who did she really have to depend on? Female friends? Yeah, there were a few. She had the moon which came out to greet her, showcasing her like a Hollywood starlet. If only…

A tear appeared out of one eye and she let it fall, trailing her black eyeliner with it. She didn’t attend to it but fixed her hair and adjusted her posture to a more stout position, straddling her legs across the floor tiles. Dress swaying in the wind, enjoying breezes up her thighs.

“How am I going to cope with how I feel? This is crazy! I’ve never cared about any man very much, likely because of my relationship with my dad. Loser was never there for me or anyone else. Leaving my poor mother with no support and no protection. Can’t leave my fate in the hands of any man and can’t trust them. That’s me and nothing will change it.”

A call came on her phone. “Yes?”

“It’s Lawrence. You sound rattled. Everything alright?”

“Lawrence…hi…what’s on your mind? You realize it’s almost 1:00 am, don’t you? You’re reaching out kind of late.”

“I was thinking of you. Thought you might be in need of some support. Don’t know why I felt that way.”

“I’m always on your mind.”

“Not always but now and then, yes…” Sneering into the phone, “...aren’t you glad to hear from me?”

“If you can cheer me up, you’re forgiven.”

He laughed, “I’ll put on my jokester hat and get back to you. Actually, I just heard about a man who drove his car into the river deliberately. When people asked him why he did it, he said he was tired of his wife complaining about being too lazy to wash it, that’s when the idea hit him.”

Lawrence wasn’t expecting much from the attempt.

She burst out laughing, it affected her on some level, unexpected even for her; catching her off guard. “Not bad, not bad, nice work. Dumb joke but it made me smile. Probably not even true, is it?”

“Don’t know, frankly. Who cares? It’s a joke. You are glad I called then? Knew you would be but I can tell you’re down.”

“That’s how desperate I’ve become that even a call from you brightens my day. What have you been up to these past few days?”

“Working mostly and hungry for the next time we see each other. Not much else in my life other than what we have at this point. I’m sick of numbers and computers. They make bad friends and even worse lovers.” Clicking his tongue to portray a carefree outlook.

“You available next Thursday? Got some things I’d like to discuss with you if you have the time. Long conversations have become our trademark. Deep, deep, deep…”

“Among other things.”

“No need to mention those since we’re so far apart and “possibilities” aren’t possible if you know what I mean.”

“True and brutal.”

“Let’s do Thursday. I think I can make it, let me rephrase that, I’d like to make it. Be just what I need at this point. Some comedic relief from Lawrence the sense of humorist from heaven. Life’s been too serious lately is what I’m trying to convey.”

“It’s all meaningless, isn’t it? This life. What else is there to do but look for any sort of distraction from the dull, gray routine?”

“The cheerful angel has turned to the harbinger of doom.”

“Humans are complex creatures, you know that!”

“Complex, hateful and corrupt which you should know more than anyone else from the field you work in.”

After hanging up the phone and receiving a couple of sexually suggestive texts from him, she leaned over the balcony to catch a glimpse of a homeless man just coming out of a door well. Shuffling his feet and wandering around in stop-start motions. Feeling as much pity for him as she did herself but at least that man had his destiny laid out for him. He knew what to expect. The lights of a plane blinked overhead as it sailed across the sky soundlessly, looking like a paralyzed bird bound for far-flung destinations.

She laid on the bed, glancing up at the ceiling with silver-ringed light and glowing halo, attempting to rally the strength and will to face the day. She couldn’t be late because she had a high-level client meeting first thing, which would make sleeping difficult without having much in terms of emotional reserves to handle unpleasant situations and experiences with grace and ease. She would have to fake it in other words. Slumber came slowly but surely and she tossed and turned like a washer on heavy cycle.

At the office, she immediately hooked up to the coffee IV as though anything else would relegate her to the operating room on critical. The wealthy client came in decked out in full Armani with the most expensive-looking briefcase she’d ever seen. Looking right through her and waltzing into the office with more confidence than was believable or possible. Dropping the case in the corner and extending his hand like an anvil to be dropped the moment she touched it. Appearing not to care about anything but himself and his affairs.

“Jason Perth…” introducing himself only after the handshake and settings adjustment were out of the way, “...CFO for Damonsky Corp., the company looking to partner with your firm on the South Beach Miami megaproject. We’ve got the architects and designers lined up along with 50% of the funding and just need your company to access additional capital as well as the project oversight staff. Can you guys handle that?”

“I read your report and I think we may be able to work together but there’s a problem. Our funding sources might not greenlight the type of project proposal your company normally deals with. Funding and project management could be a problem. We’ll have to work outside our normal operating circles, seeking third-party ones if you get my meaning.”

“Don’t care as long as it’s legal. We’ve dealt with Saudis, Russians, Italians, Turks all in good turn. Each with their own issues but managed to slap together projects in spite of major hurdles and questionable statuses in some cases.”

“Lots of additional unknowns involved from what I can tell. Hope we can work through them all and still stay within the proper timeline.”

“Proper side of the law too, eh?” Grinning with a full set of shark teeth.

“It’ll all work out. We’ll make it so.”

He winked at her in complete confidence, seeming to understand she was the sensual type, susceptible to flirting and god only knows what else. Was it that obvious to everyone however much she tried to hide it? She knew he wasn’t that perceptive, not as much as he pretended to be. Probably thought he was a smoothie with the ladies and could get any girl he wanted with that fancy suit and smile. To be honest it probably worked with most women but she wasn’t like the others. She liked ’em low, cheap and dirty. Well, not exclusively, but for the most part.

“I’ll get to work right away. Leave the supporting documents, financial projections and staff requirements on my desk and I’ll call you after I’ve had the chance to review them all. Give you my assessment in the afternoon. Work for you?” Looking down at her desk, arranging some papers along with the pen tray. Dropping down into the chair and leaning back casually as though suddenly turned on by the man’s demeanor. Quiet strength she called it on first impression before realizing he was probably quite muscular beneath all the fashionable attire. Might look as good or better when removed. Who knows?

“Thanks, I’ll wait for your call.”

She wanted to tell him to go screw himself but resisted her natural desire to insult all men just to see how’d they react. To see if they could take it like a man. Sometimes men who buckled were more attractive than ones who fought back. Depending on the man and the way they handled the heat from a woman in heat, or women on a manic tear to test the fiber of men with the stuffing kicked out of them. Weakness and strength were equally attractive at different times with different men.

She pored over the documents like an animal feeding on a carcass after driving out competitors. Survival of the fittest, most dominant and resilient was her way of thinking. The figures, spreadsheets, data streams and financial projections encircled her head like a cyclone but she dove into them like never before after reaching the pinnacle of efficiency and enthusiasm regarding the completion of her work. It was a matter of pride and having people praise and view her with unforced admiration in meetings. She could do it every time if she just set her mind to it.

She called him a couple hours later after everything seemed buttoned up nicely. Explaining how the final analysis was that the project could be completed in less than a year if everything she envisioned went off without a hitch. Confident that the funding could be secured with a little inquiry into non-traditional sources she counted on under such circumstances. “Fabulous!” he blared out, “Are you free for drinks later?”

“I might be. What do you have in mind?”

“Nothing radical or revolutionary. Drinks at the hotel bar. Radisson on 6th and Tremont. You know the area?”

“Of course, just off the center. Everyone knows that place.” Obviously unimpressed.

“8:00?”

Pausing to let her respond. The line was quiet for several seconds as she considered whether or not it was a good idea to get involved with a major client. On the other hand, might work out to everyone’s benefit. After all, he wasn’t too shabby-looking or completely lacking in charm either. Trending toward arrogance but that was OK in her book.

“OK, see you there, but I can’t stay long. Only an hour or so perhaps. Maybe less…”

“That’s alright. I’m happy for any opportunity to see you. Saw something in you I valued and admired from the get-go. Think we could work together on multiple projects.” Voice narrowing and dropping off to emphasize the point.

“See you at 8.”

She clicked off suddenly, initiating the cycle of impoliteness and bad manners that characterized all of her relationships with men. Making things easier and less stressful not to feel the need to be nice and friendly all the time. Didn’t come naturally to her anyway. At times, however, she longed for something softer and more amiable in her relations but considered these fleeting moments silly and childish. Thoughts drifting to the sculptor who loved and immortalized her, who wasn’t a fool or a child but still felt that way about her. Making it hard to despise or dismiss him. In fact, he filled her up physically and emotionally and she both loved and hated him for it. He was right: she was an addict at this point.

She entered the hotel from the taxi after adjusting her skirt which hiked up a bit during the ride. Wanting to look her best even though it was just a business meeting as far as she was concerned. Perhaps more, but she didn’t want to consider those possible outcomes yet since she wasn’t eager to accept any new drama in her life. That being said, drama was something she fed on which energized her soul.

“Hey you…,” he opened with, “...Cali, thanks for coming. Thought you might leave me high and dry from the way you hung up so soon. You look like the type to do that.” Smiling with a hint of sneer, sensing she wasn’t sentimental or sappy. “Beer, wine or something else? What’s your pleasure? If we manage to put this all together, we’ll have major reasons to celebrate. It’ll put both our companies at the next level in terms of the commercial property development world. Everything’s on me.” Taking a sip from the brandy snifter and swirling it around, peering through it like a man of true refinement. Charming to say the least.

“We can do it. I made a few calls and the ball’s already rolling. Multiple funding sources have expressed an interest. Serious people, not dreamers or people making empty promises. People I’ve worked with before, reliable.” She assured him, crossing her legs under the table and lowering her head with eyes scanning the room.

“I knew you were the right one after doing a lot of research on your company, among others, and deciding you were the best chance for bringing this large-scale project to fruition. Your reputation precedes you and I heard good things about your previous undertakings. Now, let’s forget the work talk and move on to other things. Are you married?”

“That’s direct for a first meeting.”

“We should get that out of the way at first, shouldn’t we?”

“Perhaps. No, I’m not and don’t want to be.”

“I am. Not closely, in fact we’re separated but don’t get divorced because of the children.”

“Children…?”

“Don’t you have any?”

“Oh, heck no!” making claws with her fingers and souring her face as though even the thought made her cringe. “Don’t have the time, temperament or inclination.”

“It’s not all bad, you gain a lot and learn a lot by raising them. Teaches you what you’re truly made of after your bones have been used for cutting the teeth of the young.” Laughing at something his wife used to claim when he looked down and out.

“Interesting perspective but doesn’t change my mind. Although, I don’t know. I love children, just don’t think I’m mature or stable enough to handle all the needs and rapid-fire changes in personality.”

“They’re individuals and you only have so much control over them. Dominance isn’t assured in any way if you know what I mean.”

“You have to compromise and even bribe the little monsters is what you’re saying, I guess.” Smirking at him as though he was making as many excuses as possible.

“Ever slept with a married man?”

She laughed bitterly, “We’re not even finished with the first drink yet. You’re a charming and good-looking man. I’ll grant you that. However, I usually don’t cross the line into married men. Could come back to haunt me at some point, karma might bite me in the ass if I do get married and I’d feel I deserved it.”

He laughed at that. “You’re quite a woman and we have to work together so I won’t push. Don’t want to make you an enemy since I’m sure you’d be a fierce one.” Smiling proudly and rubbing his eyes from overwork.

“You’re separated?” Adopting a flirty and flagrant tone with her chin resting on upturned palm. Feeling more comfortable after he retracted his come on. She could relax and just be herself after surviving the initial onslaught and remain on friendly terms. “I guess extramarital activities are more acceptable when you’re separated.” Lowering her gaze and clapping her eyes together.

“Separated. Free in a way but not entirely. That’s how it works. I don’t inquire into my wife’s dealings and she doesn’t ask about mine. A noble agreement of sorts, trying to keep things relatively sane for the children. If she does anything at all, it’s outside the home. Myself too.”

“Sounds like a positive arrangement that keeps everything running smoothly. At least you’re not involved in a gruesome mashup over property, kids and money. Endlessly at each other’s throats, in and out of courts, custody battles and what not. It’s ugly.”

“How would you know?”

“My girlfriend went through it all not long ago.” Finishing her drink as the waitress approached the table with a couple of fresh ones. Assuming they both wanted the same. It was that kind of place where everything and everyone was predictable. Most folks liked it that way.

“You’ve got a unique sense of style and worldview to say the least. Could be something in it for both of us at some point in the future even if not now. I can wait.” Spoken with a slight grin that faded slowly in signs of inebriation.

“That goes for both of us.” Uncrossing her legs and peering over his head at a man she thought she recognized. Had she met someone here in the past and forgot? She was losing track and losing her mind too. Did she have a heart left?

“On that note, I should get going. Told you I couldn’t stay long and meant it. We’ll continue this stimulating conversation at a future date.” Tilting her head toward him while glancing out the window to see if a taxi was available.

“Hopefully more “stimulating” next time?” Winking at her with a strong sense of his own purpose; without movement or signs of jitters.

“Hopefully…,” flashing him a naughty grin with a brief twinkle in her eyes, “...never can tell.” Striding out the door with a light step as though another member had been added to the Cali fan club. How much more could she take? Best not to consider that now.

At Marshall’s place she felt a sudden peace and calm; refuge from a crazy world, something she never had growing up. This was home if she could withstand such a horribly traditional and overused concept. Never had one in the past because her childhood was a disaster of neglect, abuse and non-stop arguments between archenemy parents. Signifying she was rarely the center of anyone’s attention.

“I like the bust of me. Shows you really care and value who I am.” Sputtered while riding on top of him and tossing her hair back. “You’re really talented and will make a lot of money someday, I hope.”

He chuckled, wearing a grimace and trying not to cum too soon. Thinking she was always kidding him as her usual style and approach.

“I really think it captures you at your moody best. There’s a profound sadness and deep injury to your soul I tried to expose.”

His words tweaked something inside her; awakened a sleeping leviathan. She struggled to keep it down because it threatened her composure and mental stasis. Internally, the battle raged on and she knew she shouldn’t suppress her negative emotions too much but give them free reign, face them openly, but just couldn’t in this case. Not yet and not under these circumstances.

“Funny you should say that. You don’t know my upbringing or what it was like growing up in my family. Dysfunctional doesn’t even begin to describe it.”

“Tell me about it, mine wasn’t perfect either if we’re comparing dark pasts. I grew up in hell: poverty, alcoholism, weekly beatings. Protecting my mother from my father’s drunken rages. I escaped into art in order to reach a world of peace and tranquility. Beauty and love.” Stroking the sides of her thighs as he vaulted her body higher then lower with each thrust. The grind became more intense as the walls of her vagina groped every bump and vein on his member thoroughly and completely. She could control the muscles to grab and snag, revelling in each nuance of the act.

“I can see through your shield into your soul.” Bragging with eyes blinking and cheeks jiggling; succumbing to total pleasure. The more he relaxed, the more she became engrossed in the moment, desiring to torture him to death by ecstasy.

“How’s that possible? I hate that about you!” Frowning with mouth hanging open and beads of sweat dripping from her forehead into her eyes. Arm and back muscles flexed and strained beyond the limits of breathless activity.

“Because I’m an artist and see things as they are, not as they appear to be. I showcase the very essence of things according to me.” Letting his eyes flutter several times in absolute bliss. These were the best times of his day…life to be fair. He could explain the artistic process to someone who understood and cared as much as himself.

“Look at the eyes. That’s the sentiment that affects me most about you. You’re a tormented soul, a slave to long-term pain and heartache. Somehow you’ve managed to overcome that on some level but still struggle with unresolved issues. Hope I’m a good influence on you in some way.”

“I don’t know, never thought about it that way. Can’t understand my own feelings sometimes because I don’t want to perhaps…” Looking down at her thighs and searching for an answer there…somewhere. Pulling hair out of her face with a defiant chin thrust. Confidence slumped, and she felt hollow inside all of a sudden like an ancient well one could throw a stone into and it’d take several seconds to reach the bottom. Cold, hard, damp and musty. Physical action dulled feelings dragging her down and judging her worthless.

“I think the times we spend together are better than anything else in our lives. That’s why you continue to come here each night.”

“I did turn down a wealthy, charming and sophisticated magnate to be with you. I’m a sucker for a talented man of the arts. Always have been.”

“Lots of women are to be honest.”

“Lots of men are too, everyone’s impressed by genius I believe.” Finishing her third orgasm and feeling the weight of satiation and exhaustion weighing down on seemingly boundless energy.

“Are you saying I’m a genius?” Chuckling at the thought while climaxing at the same time as her. Falling back on the bed with palms up.

“We can’t keep on like this. What’s the end game? What are we doing exactly?”

Now that all pleasure and excitement drained from their bodies, reality set in and thoughts gravitated to wider purposes, grand schemes and motives that led them to this place, this encounter. Like medieval gothic gargoyles facing both of them, demanding clear responses and justifications.

“Why not? Seems to be going OK so far. Although you still haven’t given up all your others for me alone and exclusively. That hurts…” Displaying an exaggerated pout with droopy dog features. She wondered if there was any real emotion behind all the playacting, humorous as it was.

“I don’t think that’s what you want and what about all your ladies? I know you have others, you can’t fool me. Sarah, Laura, Mary and Joanne.”

“Those aren’t names of anyone I know,” scoffing at her, “Nice try, witchy woman. Ever thought about taking up the dark arts?”

“Thought I already was, look at the two of us together. Couldn’t be anything but wicked magic and sorcery the way we carry on.” Chuckling like a sick dog at the grayness of it all. There was always a depressive hangover following the pleasure which they handled with playfulness, slicing banter and death by a thousand cuts.

“You want to end things before they get too intense?” Holding his breath and glancing down at her faraway gaze. She noticed a bluebird outside the window, bobbing its head up and down on the rectangular frame, peering inside at that very moment. Refusing to answer because she didn’t know what to say and decisions like that required serious attention.

He decided to let it go, understanding more than she did about her own motives, which ironically was the best argument for why they should stay committed to each other. If they went their separate ways, it’d be nothing short of a tragedy. They both had internal traumas and past horror show lives, making them cut off healthy relationships too soon because they were healthy and because they were salvation. The cure for their illness. Loneliness was the alternative to facing all that while never having to explain one’s strange behavior to another person. It was also terminally dull and boring, a hollow existence that left them seeking the duress of human companionship again.

“You’ll never do it and neither will I because we’re both hooked at this point and there’s no going back. Not to say anything earth-shattering will come of it but neither of us has the strength to walk away now. I can even see you giving up your other lovers for me too, I think you like me at least that much.” Eyes shielded and impenetrable as he said it. Confident in his statement but uncertain what effect it might have.

“You’re pretty damn sure of yourself, aren’t you? Cocky as hell too!”

“That’s not my intent, just sharing facts about the way I feel about you and you about me. Judging by your actions, reactions and the expressions on your face when you’re not trying to hide your emotions from me.”

She regarded him closely, mouth turned down, frowning slightly. Was he making fun of her or trying to manipulate her in some way? Relaying words and attitudes designed to deceive or harm her? Why must it always be like this, being uncertain about other people’s motives all the time? Men with destructive tendencies toward the women in their lives was the norm as far as she was concerned but there were some good ones she missed, or ignored, simply because she couldn’t trust. Couldn’t take the leap of faith into vulnerability. Too many men had tested that vulnerability and taken advantage, preventing her from ever being able to face it again. She must get better at reading the opposite sex. But how?

“Your words sound sincere but I’ve been lied to many times in the past. Cheated on and treated like a doormat for silver-tongued devils.” Spawned from her mouth before she had a chance to check herself.

“You always strike me as someone facing a litany of personal demons which is a tough road in my own estimation. When someone comes along who’s nice and respectful to you, you don’t know how to handle it because your heart’s become so riddled with scars.”

“You’ve got your own share which is probably why we connect so well. Two injured soldiers on the battlefield, limping through life without allowing anyone to open old wounds. The thing we fear the most perhaps.”

“You mean you’re afraid of me?”

“I don’t fear anything, at least on principle, you or anyone else. You’re a sucker for love and need your momma to take care of you. A big baby like most guys, needing someone to support you and tell you everything will be alright when you trip and fall or something else goes terribly wrong in your life.” Laughing because she was thoroughly mischaracterizing him, knowing full well he was nothing like what she described. Just the opposite in fact which was why she thought the contrast would sound funny, mainly to her.

“Yeah, that’s me…NOT! If anything, you’re describing yourself more than anything I’ve ever said or done. Projecting your personality onto me. You slick, sneaky ole’ dog!” Frowning and feigning injury just to see if he could get a reaction out of her. It was entertaining watching her pout and get upset because she looked indelibly cute doing it. Anger was the emotion she seemed most comfortable expressing, placing her squarely in her element.

“Hate it when you’re right, you know that, don’t you? It’s monsters like yourself who’ve made me what I am today. A total basket case without any confidence in myself. Taking advantage of my emotional vulnerability and naivete regarding complex human emotions. I have no defense against underhanded, despicable human behavior.” She whined and moaned without serious intent because she needed him to listen, to understand and chuckle at her playing the foolish, self-pitying female throwing caution to the wind.

“I love the sound of your voice when you turn dark and tragic. Very goth and existentialist, two of my favorite things in the world in fact! I’ve always been attracted to the mystical side of life, psychology and experience. You can see that in my creations which tend toward the more shadowy and occultic.” Opening his mouth wide and tossing his head back in a gesture of rock ’n roll defiance against a nameless “system”, person or group.

He dropped to his knees and begged her not to break things off since he knew this would appeal to the naked exposure she already felt in inadvertently revealing too much about her private dilemma. Feeling each other out like children, emotionally rather than intellectually. Testing each other’s resilience or tolerance for certain behaviors in spite of whatever rational explanations were or weren’t at their disposal. That in itself revealed they were exceedingly comfortable with each other. So much so, anything natural or unnatural would be hard-pressed to break those organic bonds.

“I have to go,” standing before him and peering down at his bowed head, overreacting and overdramatizing like a pre-teen in love. Perhaps even making fun of her by putting on an exaggerated show, somewhat mocking in nature. They butted heads (and other body parts) in order to test each other, pushing each other’s buttons and limits like youngsters jettisoning their relationship beyond conceivable boundaries. Needing to overcome private obstacles within themselves toward honesty and self-fulfillment. A constant struggle to prevent each other from becoming stagnant in terms of stalking and slaying personal demons. The overall symbiosis turning positive attributes into negative ones as luck would have it.

“See you tonight.”

“I don’t know. There’s a new guy at work who may want to meet later for drinks. Not as committed as you but not so heavy-duty either.”

“And that’s a good thing, is it?” Off his knees and towering over her small frame now. “You know you’ll be back tonight so I’ll expect you around 10 per usual. I absolutely must sculpt your incredible backside for all eternity. It’s classic and needs to be captured in clay. Probably the best I’ve ever seen.”

She turned on her heel and propped her booty up high, shifting her legs to accentuate the model effect as much as possible. “This ole’ thing? You’ve seen so many it’s made you jaded I think.”

“Never happen with our ups and downs.” He smirked.

“Pun intended?”

He smiled back wickedly.

She vanished without saying goodbye. Edge and angst must prevail as she became paralyzed by fear that softness, gentility and affection were becoming the norm where he was concerned, threatening to spoil everything they had. Endangering the process of driving out each other’s skeletons and demons. She needed his brand of therapy, couldn’t do without it in fact. There was nothing else to keep her going at this point.