Chapter 1: Between Wanting & Praying
I don’t actually want to die.
I just want everything to stop hurting for a while.
Every morning, I wake up already tired. Not the normal kind of tired — but the kind that sits in the chest, heavy and silent. My body moves, my hands do their job, my mouth knows how to answer people. But inside, I feel like I’m walking underwater.
People think I’m okay.
Some days, I even convince myself that I am.
But when I am alone, when the noise finally disappears, the thoughts return. Soft at first. Then louder.
“You are tired.”
“You are alone.”
“How long more can you survive like this?”
There are nights when I sit on my prayer mat without strength to even lift my hands properly. My lips tremble more than they recite. I don’t ask for much anymore. I only whisper:
“Ya Allah… I’m so tired. But I don’t want to disobey You. I don’t want to lose Heaven.”
Sometimes I cry.
Sometimes nothing comes out at all.
The truth is, I stand between two fears.
The fear of living like this forever…
And the fear of what happens if I choose to leave.
So I stay.
Not because I am strong.
But because I am afraid of hurting God.
And maybe… deep inside… I am still hoping that one day, breathing will not feel this painful anymore.
