The Sunset She and I Admired
Goddamn please let it all end.
It's my fourth time I failed to commit
Why does the universe keep me alive I just wanted this nonsense to end.
After attempting to overdose I failed yet again and got admitted to a hospital. Normally, you don't leave a suicidal patient all alone but both my parent's are busy so they entrusted me to the doctor. The doctor is also busy so she put me in a room where there's nothing to possibly harm me
"Hey"
Suddenly I heared a faint voice near my bed
"Heeyy"
This was the moment where it all started
"What do you want?" I said in a soulless voice
"Its a nice day isn't it" a girl responded with a playful voice.
"..."
A girl? I thought I was the only one in this room. Not sure what to say I stayed silent
"What a boring guy!"
Hearing that I felt annoyed by that remark.
"And what are you gonna do about it" I said in a slightly annoyed voice
Suddenly the curtain that separated us suddenly flipped open
"Let's escape this room it's so boring. You know, I've always hated the view here, everyday is the same ol boring room"
"And why should I do that? What can I benefit by "escaping" this room?"
The girl grinned like she's been waiting for that question
"You......you want to die right?"
I was shocked I thought health records are confidential
"How-"
"Let's just say I'm great buddies with the Doc here" she said
Im going to sue that doctor
"So what if I want to die just leave me alone"
"I know a great place to die y'know"
That caught my attention. I decided to humor her a little
"So where is this "great place" you mentioned?"
"Where? Of course at the hospital rooftop the view is nice and it's really tall so it's guaranteed to send you to the afterlife"
I quickly dismissed the thought
"What a waste of time. I'm just going to lay here"
"Why?" she said with a hint of playfulness in her voice
"Are you dumb no one is clearly allowed there didn't the doctor explained when you got here"
At that time I didn't know
"Y'know I'm starting to think your attempts to commit are just a way to get attention" she said with a provocative voice
Attention?
You- you think I'm doing this for attention?
"TO HELL WITH YOU! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ME"
"Sssssshhhhh shut up or else the doc is gonna hear you"
"LET THEM HEAR I DON'T GIVE A DAMN"
"Agh what a troublesome guy"
She forcefully put her hand on my mouth then slapped me with all her might
"There have you calmed down?"
"Ow that hurt" but even though she slapped me I strangely felt calm
Why didn't I notice
"Im serious y'know I really know a way to get to the rooftop"
"Fine" I said I give up there's no arguing with this girl
"Great! follow me" she led the way with joy
Doesn't she know she's leading a guy up to his death
"What a strange girl" I mumbled beneath my breath
After her directions on how to get past the nurses and doctors roaming around. We got to the 5th floor
"See what did I tell you it's locked"
"Oh I guess we should give up" she said with a sad expression
"What a waste of time"
As I prepared to go back she suddenly grabbed my arm
"Just kidding we actually can go here"
Then she pointed at a window
"A window? How is a window going to help us"
"Look closely c'mon man"
Upon close inspection I discovered that the window was actually broken and can be opened we both got to the rooftop balcony by using the broken window
I was amazed by the view the golden hue of the sky the citylights and the tall buildings that surrounded the hospital the gentle cold breeze brushes by my skin. Makes me forget the reason why we came here in the first place
"Woah" I said under my breath with amazement
"See cool place to die right"
"Got to say I really didn't believe you until I saw this"
"It's beautiful right"
"Yeah"
Damn, now it's kinda awkward to just jump suddenly
"Hey I'm kinda tired can we rest for a bit" She said in a soft voice
Oh what happened to the playful girl from before
If only I noticed
"Oh sure I dont want to rush things I got all the time I need"
"No you don't "
"What do you mean?" I asked
"Doc...she smokes here at exactly 6:00 to see the sunset. So yeah you're kinda limited by time"
"Dont worry its still 5:02 I'll stay here with you until you've rest up"
She smiled at me
"So why do you want to die?" she asked.....not with concern or curiosity but like asking like it's like a casual topic
I shouldn't have told her but words came out of my mouth before I even realized it
"Im......im a disappointment I fail at everything I do. I never got to finish college. I couldn't find a decent job and I still rely on my parents"
"Hmm that's kinda rough" she said so casually
"You know I was considered a genius during highschool got top grades. The first time I ever got a high score my parents were proud"
"Are you bragging right now?" she said with a annoyed tone with her voice
"Just listen will you......but as time passed. All of my top marks were brushed off as a normal occurrance. "As expected" they said, I've showed them so many top marks that for them they became stale."
"......."
She's listening so intently with you. Not that fake concern but genuine care for you
"Everything changed in college. The marks I used to get in highschool I couldn't even come close in college"
"Let me guess your parents got mad at you for flunking?" she asked
"The reason I quit is because I didn't want to burden them"
"......."
Her face is confused and is listening to you more intently
"My grades got worse over time but my parents never scolded me or anything instead they encouraged me to try harder"
"If that's the case then why?" she said
"I worked hard you know. All those sleepless nights only to fail. I always asked myself that it would be better next time. But the more time passed no matter how much effort I put my grades kept falling. I thought to myself what's the point? I thought every hardwork has a reward, turns out I was wrong. Even if you don't give up doesn't mean you will win"
"That's all? That's all it takes for you to become depressed? That's just plain selfishness have you ever thought about what others think? What your parents think?"
"Why do you care? Why do you care about some random stranger like me!"
"Why is it wrong for me to care!?"
"You know, maybe I've been wanting attention! I followed you here because your words cut deep inside me. Is it wrong for me to have my parent's feel proud of me. That was the reason for me to keep my hardwork but everything....... everything I've done is for nothing"
"Don't take life so lightly. To struggle is to live. Not every hardworker is rewarded but those who are rewarded worked hard"
"Don't go preaching about life and whatnot. Dont forget you brought me here to die. I bet you don't even know what to struggle really mean! I bet you're here because of a little cold. Oh how nice of your parents' to put so much attention to you!"
"Cancer..........stage 4 cancer" she said in a serious voice
"....." I was speechless. I felt disgusted at myself. I want to die right now
"Im sorr-"
"No don't apologize it was my fault to begin with everybody has their own struggles to deal with."
"No that wasn't. That's not what I meant" my voice trembling
God I really ruin everything why am I like this
"Actually I brought you here so that you can see everything."
"What do you mean?" I said curiously
"Look closely at the scenery"
"I already said it's beautiful"
"Yes the sunset is beautiful but look around the people at the buildings how many have them have seen this exact sunset"
"What are you getting at?"
"What I'm saying is they're too focused on working hard they forgot to take a breath and watch the sunset"
"......."
Seriously what's with this girl
"Working hard is good but sometimes people forget why they work hard in the first place. People like you. It's nice that you are working hard for something but sometimes it can become a burden. It's important to take a breath sometimes and forget everything and just feel the sunset."
Without realizing it we are both sitting at the edge of the rooftop staring at the sunset. Like a couple of birds perching after a long day of flying
"I got a question you can totally ignore this if you want to but how long do you have?"
"......"
She stayed silent for a while and I totally understand she doesn't want anyone to know and I understand before I knew it. It was already 5:57.
"I'm going back now" she said
"Yeah I'll catch up to you soon I'll just watch the sunset" I said in a relaxed voice
I looked at her one last time and saw that she was relieved that I wasn't going to jump anymore
I was focused on the scenery that I didn't notice
"You know" she said to my back
"Yeah?" i said while looking at the sunset
"I've been looking for someone's warmth for some time now my body is getting colder each day you see" she said in a melancholic tone
"How about you sit by my side and feel the warmth of the sun" i said inviting her
At that time I overlooked one important detail. I didn't know her name yet
"By the way my name is Kaleb what's yours?"
"Vivian.....my name is Vivian!"
Suddenly I felt a hug behind my back and I was a little embarrassed and shocked
"Vivian wait I'm going to fall wait"
"How.....how do you know that name?"
"Who-?" I said shockingly
I was confused that wasn't Vivian's voice
As I looked back I saw the doctor hugging me from behind
Apparently she thought I was going to jump.
After getting off the edge, the doctor asked me
"How do you know Vivian?"
"What do you mean she's the girl who was sharing the room with me"
"Vivian.....is already dead."
It was true the Vivian I spoke to has already passed away. If I only noticed how cold her hands were when she covered my mouth and the slap that felt like being hit by nothing. She was the Doctor's longest patient. The cancer patient who kept clinging to life. Apparently she always used to sneak out by the rooftop which was the reason the rooftop was off limits. According to the doctor she has a diary that she kept from the time when she was still alive. The doctor said it was full of drawings of sunsets and nothing more. As I make my way back to my room tears feel from my eyes. I couldn't even fathom to imagine what she felt during her last moments about how she wanted to live her life and here I was complaining about trivial matters. The girl who wanted to live has already died and me who wanted to die finally found a reason to live. I don't know why Vivian showed up to me but one thing is clear she wanted me to keep on living so I'll keep on living for Vivian and myself.
