1
The lights got closer. And louder. I could hear screams, high pitched and furious. Figures darted from the lights, their hands aglow as they attacked each other and fled back into the light, emerging again seconds later, even closer. Teleportation magic. I wished I’d grabbed a snack. This looked like it could take a while. Moments later, they reached the clearing in front of the old guard house I’d claimed as my own, and I got a better look at the two combatants. Two women were throwing magical punches in clothing that would probably cost more than I’d seen in my life.They both wore long, flowing dresses, completely inappropriate for the fight they were in, one in black, one in green. That immediately raised my hackles. I’d come out to the middle of nowhere to avoid squabbling nobles and their desire to drag everyone into their petty nonsense. And they’d followed me. Two idiots squabbling about something I would never care about and pulling everyone around them into it. I decided to let them kill each other. They stopped their headlong plunge further into the forest and seemed to have decided that my building offered numerous tactical advantages. They blinked in and out of existence, ending up on the roof, the walls, branches in the trees towering above us, behind the chimney, over the wooden palisades that formed a half wall around the compound, firing spells out of their hands at each other. The one in the black dress had the advantage. They were both looking exhausted, but her blows were landing more often than not. Her ice white hair was plastered to her head with sweat, but her eyes were triumphant as she laid another blue-flamed punch into the stomach of her opponent. The other girl doubled over, but a flash of pink blocked most of the blow. I’d seen attacks like that send entrails flying across the battlefield before, so she had some skills. As much as I hated the rich fucks, I could admire that. The two knew what they were doing. The smell of brimstone overwhelmed the crispness of a spring forest that I was used to, making my eyes water. The two split apart, landing in the clearing in front of my seat, both panting for breath, and I caught my first clear glimpse of them. When they weren’t in motion, they were much smaller than I’d thought. Neither of them would have come up to my chest. The white-haired one was slight, as pale as a ghost with delicate features and sharp eyes. The girl in the green dress had long brunette hair, a full figure for her size and snub nose that made her look cute, but would keep her from ever being described as beautiful. And they were both elves. The pointy ears were kind of hard to miss. “I will string you up by your tits, you fucking harlot,” the pale one said. “At least I have them, you frigid cunt!” the other one replied, gathering her power in her hands until it hurt to look at the light they were generating. So they were friends. “Ladies?” They both jumped. They hadn’t even noticed I was there. They turned to focus their attention on me, but kept a hand pointed at each other. Darting glances at each other out of the corners of their eyes. I should have just let them blow each other to pieces, but the resulting fallout might have hit my home. I’d just finished caulking all the cracks to keep the wildlife out. “Could you maybe take it somewhere else? This isn’t the best spot for tantrums.” Their eyes grew wide. “Who the fuck do you think you are?” white-hair asked. “I live here.” “And you think you can talk to two princesses of the Fae and walk away with your tongue still attached? Or one princess and one dog of the Summer Court with delusions of grandeur, I suppose.” “Shut the fuck up, Brittany,” the brunette said. “Make me, Alexis.” Alexis’ hands had dimmed as the girls had considered me, but almost went supernova at Brittany’s provocation. Brittany answered the threat in kind, and I had to shield my eyes as I dove at both of them, grabbing their wrists before they knocked my home to the ground. The tattoos inked up my arm, embedded by the Royal Guard ages ago, did their job, glowing almost as brightly as the girls as I absorbed their magic, making my skin crawl with the force of their power. The shapes and swirls drew the energy, sucking the girls dry as it sent it through the maze on my back, into an ouroboros it couldn’t escape. The two women stared at me in disbelief before slowly sinking to their knees, looking drained. “Are you shitting me?” Brittany asked, her eyes half-lidded, “A goddamn Sink?” “Retired,” I said, stepping away. “What the hell?” Alexis asked. “Now clear off. I’ve got shit to do.” I said, stepping back and sitting down again. The two wobbled back to their feet, both looking like they could use the support, but refusing to lean on each other. I sat back and crossed my arms, sparks jumping from line to line on my arm as their power settled in. I was going to smell like burnt toast for a while. I’d have to punch a tree down or something later to burn it off. Brittany was the first to get fully upright, and she raised her fist, ready to resume the fight. Her hand managed to pull enough energy to turn her fingernails slightly blue, but that was it, and that dissipated just as quickly as it came. She swung at Alexis, but the blow landed with all the weight of a feather wielded by an asthmatic butterfly. Alexis tried to return the favor, but if anything, she was even weaker. She tripped as she swung and ended up in a heap at Brittany’s feet. As she fell, her shoulder clipped the other elf, and Brittany’s already precarious balance was shattered, sending her right down beside her. I got to my feet to make sure they were okay, but by the time I reached them, they were both unconscious, sending off delicate little snores in harmony with each other. I made sure they weren’t laying on any big rocks or anything that would give them a sore back, and went to finish up the rest of my chores around the garrison. I wasn’t a very good homesteader, but I did my best. I mostly traded for food from a nearby grange with bows I’d made and arrows I’d fletched. Leftover skills from a misspent youth in the military put to better use out here in the kingdom’s abandoned frontier. After I’d swept up the floor in the house, checked on my pathetic attempt at a garden, and put a deer meat stew to simmer on the stove for dinner, I settled in the exercise yard and began carving a new bow. I’d found a nice, young rowan tree during a hike, and the supple wood would be a delight to bend to my will. I was focused on my work and didn’t notice the sun setting until I realized I was squinting, trying to make out the details of my carving. I set the bow down and stood up, flexing and cracking my back into some semblance of a straight spine, and realized that I was being watched. Brittany was a pale ghost in the doorway, leaning on the jamb and staring into the yard. Her gray eyes were locked on me. I had no idea how long she’d been standing there. I met her gaze and returned it until she looked away. “Is the other one dead, then?” I asked, putting the half-finished bow to the side to pick up tomorrow. She scoffed, “Of course not. I wouldn’t execute an unconscious opponent. There’s no honor in that.” “Whatever.” “You would have?” She asked, her one eyebrow arched. “Not my business. But it would mean one less person trying to kill me in the world.” “Heathen.” I snorted. “Why are you still here?” “You stole all my magic. No magic, no portal.” “Town’s that way,” I said, pointing down the path barely visible in the low light. She glared at me. I sighed. “You’re welcome to spend the night. There’s some spare bedding in the barracks. Just be on your way in the morning. I don’t need to be involved in whatever shit you two are up to.” “You will take me to civilization so that I may contact my people and have them collect me. Now.” She took an imperious step towards me. I began gathering up the rowan shavings. They’d make good tinder. “Nope.” Her face twisted up into a grimace. It was still a cute grimace, though. “Obey your betters, manling. I need to return to the fight.” “Good luck with that.” I’d gotten the exercise yard in as much order as I could with an elf standing in it and barking at me, so I stepped around her, towards the kitchen to find that my stew was almost boiling over. “Fuck. Shit!” I grabbed a towel and pulled it off the stove, giving the cast-iron monstrosity a kick to let the fire-sprite inside know to knock it off. “If that’s burnt, I’m not eating it.” A woozy Alexis stumbled in from the other direction. “No one offered you any in the first place. And if it’s burnt, it’s because your friend didn’t tell me it was looking dicey.” Alexis and Brittany both stiffened at that, “I’m not her friend!” “She is an abomination unto elfdom.” They spoke over each other. “I don’t care.” I said. “Don’t let my stew burn if you want any.” I think I’d managed to save it. I ladled out three bowls and brought them to the dining hall and set them at the table meant for dozens. The girls trailed after me, following the smell of the delicious dish, if I do say so myself. I turned around, standing between the two elves and dinner. Their eyes were like saucers, and I heard a distinctly un-ladylike growl from Alexis’ stomach. “If I feed you, are you two going to behave?” I asked. I was going to feed them regardless. I didn’t get much company, but my mother had driven into my head how to be a good host. I just hoped starting this way would mean the table wouldn’t be in splinters by the time the bowls were empty. The girls looked at each other, clearly gauging how easy it would be to tear out the other’s throat. Fingers flexed. I tensed, ready to separate the two before they caused any damage to my home. Alexis’ stomach growled again, and she was the first to break the silence, “I’ll not start anything as long as this stripling does the same.” Brittany nodded her agreement and started for the bench. I shifted again, blocking her path. “That’s not what I asked. I’d like a pleasant dinner. Are you two going to behave?” Another look was exchanged between the enemies before they nodded. I still didn’t budge.
