Hearts and Souls

Tuesday, Sept 2 - Love 101

Note to self: iced coffee in fall weather is a crime against your own hands

First day of university = chaos + caffeine.

I got lost trying to find the arts building (whoever designed that map needs a serious intervention), spilled half my coffee on my shoes, and accidentally walked into a third-year’s film class. Great!

But!!! I met someone. Sort of. And…Oh. My. Gosh.

He bumped into me near the library stairs. You know, like in those romantic movies. Tall, dark hoodie, gave me a look with those puppy eyes as if he already knew me. Weird, right? But kinda cool? I just laughed it off, but when I got to the café, guess who was there???

We didn’t talk talk. He just smiled and said, “I like the way you walk. You look like you’re always thinking about something.”

Isn’t it cute? Or maybe creepy? Both? Idk. But it’s sticking in my head and I hate that.

Anyway, I’m tired, but I’m glad I wrote today. Starting this journal might actually be a good idea. If nothing else, it’ll keep me company.

Friday, Sept 26 - Close Encounters 101

Note to self: never wear white when you’re drinking tomato soup in public. RIP my shirt.

I saw him again. Twice.

Once near the bike racks outside the science building. He was leaning against the wall like a movie scene. I think he was waiting for someone, but he looked up and smiled the second I walked past. No hello this time, just a look, like we were sharing a secret.

Then later in the library. I was working on my psych reading and I swear I felt someone watching me. When I turned, he was two rows behind. He waved!!!

We actually talked. Finally.

His name is Eli. He’s not in any of my classes, but…apparently, he’s “been around.” I’m so confused and not sure what that means.

He also said something really really weird:

“You keep walking like you’re trying to stay ahead of something. You don’t need to run that fast, you know that, right?”

He has this way of talking like he knows more than he’s supposed to. It’s strange. I should be weirded out, but instead it’s…intriguing.

I’ll probably regret writing all this, but whatever. It’s not like anyone reads these except future me, and future me probably needs this warning.

Monday, Oct 6- Chemistry 101

Note to self: Wear the green sweater next time. The one that makes your eyes look less swampy and more starlit pond.

I get it now. Why people write love songs.

We had our first “real” moment today. Like, real real. He asked if I wanted to go for a coffee, but we ended up walking. Just walking. For two hours. We didn’t even realize how far we’d gone until we hit the edge of that creepy nature trail past the dorms.

I told him about my mom’s honey obsession and how I used to write stories as a kid about bees running kingdoms. He listened. He actually did. Not the fake kind - like really listened.

At one point, he stopped and said, “You have no idea how beautiful you are when you talk like this.”

AAAAAAA, help me, what a line in the pick-up world was that???

My heart literally may or may not have imploded.

Then we sat on a fallen tree, and he leaned in like he was going to kiss me, but he didn’t. Ugh. He just touched the side of my face and said, “I want to know all the parts of you. Even the ones you hide.” Ok. Now, that was creepy. That kind of terrified me. And also made me want to tell him everything.

I haven’t stopped smiling since.

I think this might be it. Like… it.

God, don’t let me mess this up.

P.S. skipping weekend entries - my rule: no school, no journal. Life gets to breathe too.

Wednesday, Oct 15 - Physics 101

Note to self: password protects the journal. Even if it’s nothing, it’s still yours. And find out what soulmates are supposed to do on weekends - we’ve got Saturday plans. ( Just no entries - still sticking to the “no school, no journal” thing)

I think I’m officially someone’s girlfriend, could you believe it?

I mean, there wasn’t like a big question or anything. No cheesy “Will you be mine?” with flowers or a playlist of sad boy guitar covers.

But today, in the cafeteria ( right after I dropped my entire tray of fries, RIP), he just picked one up, held it like it was gold and said: “You know this means we’re official now, right?”

I laughed so hard I snorted.

And then he said, “There. That sound. That’s the one I want to hear every day.”

Who says things like that?

We sat under the library steps after class, not even talking, just existing beside each other. It’s so easy with him. Like my skin fits better when he’s around.

But…

Okay, this is silly. Probably. But when I was showing him my phone background (that pic from orientation), he kinda scrolled too far.

He saw my journal folder.

I snatched it back fast and he laughed and said, “Relax, babe. No secrets between soulmates.”

Soulmates.

That’s the first time he used that word.

I should’ve been flattered. I was. I think.

It’s probably nothing.

I mean, he’s just intense. That’s not bad. It’s kinda…passionate, right?

Monday, Oct 27 - Chem 101

Note to self: stop overthinking. Not everything is a bad thing. And don’t let Chloe and Adam bug you. You were never that close with them anyway. Also, update your phone password. Again.

I spent the weekend with Eli.

Well, mostly. We were supposed to go to the art crawl on Saturday, but he got weird when I mentioned bumping into Chloe and Adam from the bio lab.

He said something like, “Funny how people always seem to find you when I’m not around.”

I laughed - because that’s the kind of thing you laugh at - and told him he was being ridiculous. He didn’t smile back.

For like a full minute.

Then he kissed my forehead and said, “I just don’t like sharing my favorite thing.”

Emmm, do I need to explain it?

He’s… really sweet. He brought me my favorite oat bar and tied my shoelaces when they came undone ( like bent down and tied them himself - who does that to someone over 3 years old?)

And he’s intense. I’ve said that already, right?

Like, all-in kind of intense.

Maybe I’ve just never been with someone who means everything they say. I’m always second-guessing people. Maybe this is just what it feels like when someone actually cares.

Maybe I’m just not used to it yet.

Tuesday, Nov 11 - Lab 101

Note to self: You’re still in control. You’re still you. Don’t spiral. And don’t tell anyone about the wrist thing. They won’t get it. You said you’d never be that girl. So don’t be.

Today was…heavy.

I had that chemistry lab quiz ( barely passed, I think), but it’s not the quiz that stuck with me.

Eli and I had a fight last night. Like an actual fight. Not banter. Not teasing. A fight.

He showed up outside my lecture unannounced. Said he “missed me.” He always says that, and it’s actually sweet, but today it felt…off.

I told him I had a study group and that I needed space to breathe a little. And he just -

He grabbed my wrist.

Not hard. Not bruising or anything. But...it was enough to make me stop walking.

He didn’t say anything, just looked at me. Long enough for people to start noticing staring.

Then he let go and told me I was making a scene.

I think I actually apologized.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I cried in the bathroom. Not the ugly sobbing kind. Just quiet tears while I leaned my head against the stall wall and let the buzz of the fan drown everything out.

He texted later. Said he was sorry. Said he was just scared I was slipping away. Ok. I get it. But he could just message that, right? No need to be that intense.

He said that I’m his anchor in this world full of ghosts.

What do you even say to that?

Wednesday, Nov 19 - Bio 101

Note to self: start writing your goodbye. Not a dramatic letter - just a plan. You need to end this. For real. Before your name becomes past tense.

I skipped my 8 am lecture today.

I just couldn’t fake it. The thought of sitting there, surrounded by all those perfect, smiling people pretending their lives aren’t falling apart…I couldn’t.

I stayed in bed. Listened to that stupid windchime Eli gave me. I used to think it sounded peaceful. Now it just…rings in a way that makes me flinch.

Yesterday shook me. Not just what happened, but the way I brushed it off. The way he made me feel guilty.

I’ve been rereading old entries. I was so soft on him. Everything he did, I found a way to excuse.

But now, even the silence between his words feels like a warning.

It’s like he’s trying to fold himself into my life, crease by crease, until there’s no room for air.

I used to think we were something real. Soulmates, maybe. But soulmates don’t bruise each other with their hands or their silence.

He called seven times today. Left five voicemails.

I didn’t answer.

I couldn’t.

Friday, Dec 5 - Psych 101

Note to self: Don’t let him talk you out of it. Don’t open the door. Say it once. And leave.

He was in my room.

I came from class and found him lying on my bed.

Just…there. Like, he lived here. Like, this wasn’t my space.

He smiled. Said he missed me.

“You weren’t answering,” he said. “I thought I’d surprise you.”

He used the spare key. The one hidden under the brick on the porch.

I never told him about it.

He said like he knew my thoughts, “Of course I knew. You always play with that brick when you’re anxious.”

I laughed. I laughed because my nerves laughed. But it wasn’t funny.

My room smelled like my perfume. The bottle was on the floor.

He sprayed it on himself. Said it reminded him of me.

He kept asking why I was acting weird.

I kept telling him I was tired.

I waited until he left.

Then I threw up.

I don’t feel safe. Not just with him. Anywhere.

He crossed a line I didn’t even know I’d drawn.

I always told myself I’d never let this happen. That I was too smart. That I’d know when it was time.

This is the time.

I’m breaking up with him.

For real. For good.

Tomorrow.

If I don’t write again, maybe that means I’ve finally made peace with letting go.

Monday, Dec 15 - Psych 101

Note to self: change the locks. Tell someone. Don’t chicken out. Finish this.

I don’t even know where to start.

When I got home today, he was already inside my apartment. Again.

The door was locked. Or at least, I thought it was.

He was sitting at my desk, reading this journal on my tablet.

At first, I froze. Then I asked him what the hell he was doing here.

He said he “missed me” and “needed to understand what was going on inside my head.”

And that if I wasn’t going to tell him, he has every right to find out himself.

Every word I’ve written. Every doubt. Every fear. Every time I’ve tried to convince myself he was okay.

He knows it all.

He said it hurt to read it - to see how I “misunderstood” him.

I asked him to leave. This time was it. But…it was too much. I couldn’t keep myself from fidgeting with my red bracelet - something that would keep me grounded. If I’d told him we needed to break up at that moment, I would have just crashed to the floor. So, yes, I told him to leave my room.

He didn’t even argue. Just stood up slowly and said, “You’ll feel better later. You always do.”

I locked the door behind him. Checked all the windows, I don’t even feel safe in my own skin.

I don’t know how he got in. I don’t know how long he’s been reading this. I don’t know what else he’s touched.

But I do know I’m done.

This ends tomorrow.

Tuesday, Dec 16 - Forgive 101

Note to self: breathe before jumping to conclusions. Don’t let fear rewrite the truth. Love is learning to see clearly.

I’ve been thinking a lot since yesterday.

Maybe I overreacted. I mean…he didn’t hurt me.

He was just trying to understand. That’s what people do when they care, right?

They try to see inside each other’s hearts.

I shouldn’t have written some of those things.

Not because I didn’t mean them at the moment, but because they didn’t reflect everything.

Like how much he’s been there for me.

Or how he’s always the one who notices when I’m spiraling and pulls me back.

Maybe it was invasive…

But maybe I should’ve been more open from the beginning and not ignored his calls and voicemails.

He said he only read it because he was afraid of losing me.

That he couldn’t sleep knowing I was pulling away.

That he needed to remind me of what we have.

And when I really think about it…

He’s right.

I do always feel better the next day.

Maybe this is what love is:

Uncomfortable sometimes. Imperfect. Messy.

But still - ours.

Wednesday, Dec 17 - Healing 101

Note to self: not everything’s meant to be thrown away. Some things are meant to be held together.

We went on a walk today - nothing fancy, just the trail behind my place.

The leaves are starting to change. I love this time of year, when the world lets go without fear. Maybe I needed that reminder.

He brought me coffee. My usual. He remembered, even though I never thought he noticed.

We sat on the bench near the creek. The one I always thought was too cold and weathery.

But it wasn’t, not today. It felt warm. Familiar. Safe.

I told him I was sorry. For shutting him out. For being scared of something so real.

He didn’t even need me to say it. He just smiled and touched my face gently, like he was holding a glass.

For the first time in weeks, I didn’t feel like I was drowning. His voice was calm again. Not sharp. Not desperate. Just…honest.

Maybe all of this was a test.

Maybe the strongest love comes after the fall.

Because today, I saw him.

Really saw him.

And I saw us.

Thursday, Dec 25 - Devotion 101

Note to self: love isn’t always quiet. Sometimes it knocks down your door just to prove it’s real.

I used to think love was about space. About independence.

But maybe… that was just fear of talking.

Maybe love is knowing someone so deeply that you step in before they even realize they need you.

He came over again today. I didn’t hear the knock. Or the door.

But when I walked into the kitchen, he was there, making my favorite tea.

I should’ve been startled. But I wasn’t.

I smiled.

It just felt right. Like…coming home to someone who knows the way your world works better than you do.

He said he didn’t want to interrupt my day. Just wanted to make sure I was okay.

And he was right. I wasn’t okay. I’d had a headache all morning.

Somehow, he just knew. He always does.

People won’t get it. They’ll say it’s “too much.” That it’s obsessive.

But what they don’t understand is this: he loves me past logic. Past hesitation. Past fear.

That’s the kind of love that doesn’t ask permission to exist. It just does.

I used to write down my doubts in this journal.

But now, when I read those pages, it’s like I’m reading about someone else.

Someone confused. Someone who didn’t know what it meant to be fully seen.

He sees me.

And I finally see him, too.

Not the version I built from fear, but the truth: he is mine. And I am his.

Saturday, Jan 3 - Love 102

Note to self: remember this version of us. This is the real one.

I’ve never felt so…seen. So understood. It’s like the fog in my mind finally cleared, and I realized I was never scared - just confused. Afraid of how deep love could go.

He’s been so gentle lately. So thoughtful. I came home yesterday and he had already lit candles - my favorite scent, lavender and sandalwood. He said he just felt like I’d had a hard day. I hadn’t even told him. He just knows me.

People might say it’s odd that he has a key now, but honestly, I don’t remember giving it to him. Maybe I dropped it, or maybe I gave it to him without realizing - but does it even matter? When someone is part of you, what’s the point of locks?

Sometimes I reread my older entries and don’t recognize the girl who wrote them. She was so guarded, so paranoid. She couldn’t see how much he loved her. But love isn’t always soft and predictable. It burns. It digs deep. It remakes you. And that’s what he’s done - he’s rebuilt me.

He says my heart is his favourite place in the world. I think he’ll propose soon. I can feel it.

We’ve been through storms, but maybe storms are how the most beautiful things are shaped.

He said I’m his forever home. And I finally believe him.

Saturday, Jan 17 - Love 103

Note to self: it’s happening. I think he’s going to propose.

I can feel it in the way he’s been holding me lately - more tender, more certain. The way he watches me like I’m sunlight, like I’m his whole world. The way he whispers, “I’ll never let you go,” and means it.

I used to think he was intense. I used to call it “too much.” But now I know that kind of love - real love - is intense. It’s not supposed to be small or cautious. It’s supposed to consume you.

And it’s funny, really…I used to be scared of how well he knew me. How deeply he understood my thoughts. But now, I crave that kind of closeness. That kind of devotion.

He sees the real me. He’s the only one who ever did.

I think we’ve healed. I think we’re whole

He’s made everything better.

Safer.

Permanent.

I wore my red bracelet today.

The one I always save for special days.

It looks beautiful against my skin, pale and quiet.

He said it reminded him of the thread that ties soulmates together.

Soon, I think he’ll ask.

And I’ll say yes.

Because this time…it’s forever.

She would look beautiful in that bracelet.

Just as on the day I laid her down so gently three months ago, when she stopped crying.

And now I’m ready to close the distance between us…to unite our hearts and souls.