Chapter 1
I stared at the ceiling, feeling both nostalgic and unfamiliar. The breaths of the same man I’d known for the past decade lingered as I released a deep sigh. I never thought I would become someone like this.
"Sasha, what have you done? You’re not this reckless. What if you’ve just destroyed the only person who feels safe to you? You promised you wouldn’t ruin anything else, that you’d finally change, but you never do. You circle back and break things. Again and again."
I tried to stand silently, but failed. My whole body betrayed me, still suffering from the aftermath of our drunken night.
"Libersha?" the man groaned when he found me sitting on the floor.
He immediately came to my side, lifted me, and brought me back to bed.
"Was it too much?" He looked at me with concern.
"No. Well, maybe a bit too much," I replied honestly.
This man has been my best friend for a very long time, but he never understood my true agenda. I’ve been using him for years to build the characters in my stories—his features, attitude, the personalities I considered ideal, our shared memories, our experiences together, and all the other scenes that make my writing more realistic.
Now, I’m faced with a dilemma: could I take it to the next level? Which we accidentally did after drinking ourselves to our limit. The experience was fresh and tattooed in my mind, as if the alcohol had never been there. I was sane the entire time, but I couldn’t control my body and allowed pleasure to take over. I looked into his gentle eyes, and guilt began to gnaw at me.
"I’m sorry," he whispered.
"No, it’s okay. This is both our first and we..." I paused, feeling embarrassed.
Edmund scratched the back of his head out of embarrassment and immediately stood up, trying to escape the awkward situation. I snapped back to reality. Is he not satisfied? Did I do something wrong? I pulled the last finger I could ever reach before he could move farther away.
"Ah, yes. I’ll prepare a bath for you. It must be uncomfortable and sticky right now."
I chuckled as he didn’t give me a chance to answer. I let out another deep sigh as I looked at the bloodstained bedsheet in his room. We really did it. I slapped my face gently and hid in my arms. Why did I even do this? Memories flashed through my mind as I recalled what happened last night.
"Sasha? Why are you drunk?"
That was the first thing Edmund said when he found me drunk at the bar counter after the waiter called him, since he was my number-one emergency contact. It's been how many years now? Five? Six? I couldn't even count anymore.
"Edmund! I’m in trouble!" I cried, hugging him tightly.
"Sit down and tell me what happened," he replied with concern.
"Before that—waiter! Another round, please! You see, this friend of mine just got out of his service, and now I’ve been bothering him," I laughed.
Edmund signaled that it was okay, so I smiled at him brightly. I held his big hand and laughed. I remembered when I first used him as my male reference in one of my stories. He was so shocked when I touched his firm hands. I played with his long fingers as we waited for another round of drinks. What if I put it on my cheeks? I giggled.
Even though Edmund was embarrassed, he never stopped me. Maybe he’s just innocent, secretly has feelings for me, or possesses such strong self-control that he lets this happen. Or maybe, he's terrified that I'd be hurt if he pulled away—he’s a gentleman and kind to every lady. Truly, husband material.
After another shot, I told him my story. Navigating a male-dominated field as a woman is always a challenge. As an engineer and the only female on my team, I’ve had to endure unsolicited advances and confessions that I find both uncomfortable and frustrating.
"Honestly, how can someone fall in love with a person they’ve just met? And to think, they’re already married! Just imagining it makes me cringe," I complained.
"I am strict, but I am also kind. If they need something, I insist on helping. If there’s someone without lunch, I sometimes give them snacks during break time. It’s normal. I’m concerned about the quality of their work. That’s why I do all that. How can they misinterpret me?"
"And then there’s this older guy, old enough to be my grandfather, who confesses his feelings to me every single time we meet—even though I’ve already told him to stop. He actually claims his love is indestructible and nothing could ever stop it. I swear, I nearly threw a bucket of cement at him," I continued, downing another shot.
"Maybe you just feel uncomfortable because you’re not used to receiving compliments about your looks, and the other workers tease you for being a fresh graduate, and the only woman on the team, at that. Don’t take their words to heart. It’s alright, but if they ever cross the line or do something really inappropriate, let me know. I’ll come running to help you," he said after listening to all my complaints.
"You just don’t get it. But maybe you’re right," I laughed, the alcohol making me more talkative than usual.
With a few more bottles and alcohol clouding our judgment, Edmund helped me as we stumbled over to the waiting shed.
"Seriously, if I’m as pretty as everyone claims, why am I still not in a relation-shit?" I yelled, feeling his laughter rumble through his chest.
"Haha, you really don’t know why?" Edmund teased, grinning while murmuring the "relation-shit" word.
"Isn’t it all just companionship and understanding, with some physical attraction mixed in? Some people spice things up for a single night and never see each other again. Like fireworks—beautiful for a second, gone the next, just a fleeting memory."
"Just find a decent guy and get to know him. Why do you always make things so complicated?" Edmund teased.
"You say that like it’s easy, but you’re just as complicated as I am," I shot back, squinting at him as I leaned closer and pressed my lips to his for my very first kiss. He looked startled by my boldness, but let me kiss him, gently adjusting my position as if nothing had happened.
"See? You’re embarrassed, too, aren’t you? Please, don’t remind me about this in the morning, or I’ll start digging my own grave," I mumbled, regretting and hiding my face in my hands.
Before I could react, he pulled me in for a second kiss—this one deeper, more confident. In that moment, I realized he was much more experienced than he let on. It was a truly great kiss.
"One thing you should remember, Libersha: never challenge a man, no matter how much self-control he has. I’m still a man, too."
That one risky challenge left us like this, and now, regret keeps gnawing at me. What if he changes? What if he realizes I’m not good for him, or that I’ve just played with his feelings? I’ve found myself stuck with a new story outline, but I always wondered what it would be like to have experience to draw from. Now, I do. I never intended to make him my guinea pig for the sake of content, yet here we are. How I wish we’d stayed innocent. It feels like I’ve thrown away fifteen years of friendship for a moment I can never take back.
As my thoughts drifted further away, reality snapped back when a gentle arm scooped me up from the bed.
"Edmund," I gasped, surprised.
"I’ve been calling your name, but you were lost in thought again," he said. "Come on, I’ll carry you to the bathroom. Need any help getting cleaned up?"
I panicked in his arms and nearly slipped. Reflexively, I hooked both arms around his neck before I could hit the ground. He steadied me by catching me at the waist. Goosebumps prickled my skin as the blanket slipped away and fell to the floor. And that’s when I realized he was fully dressed while I was still completely naked.
"Why are you dressed, but you didn’t offer me anything to wear? Nyah!" I yelped.
"I took a shower before coming back," he said matter-of-factly.
"Then why offer to help me bathe if you’re already clean, nyah?!" I protested, but he just chuckled at my tone shift.
He retrieved the blanket, carefully wrapping it around me before lifting me princess-style again.
"Call it guilt, after what happened," he murmured.
The words hit me like lightning. Was he regretting it? I’d seen this kind of scene play out in a dozen dramas. Was I living one now? Feeling exposed and insecure, I fell silent. Edmund gently lowered me into the tub and pointed out where everything I might need was within reach.
"If you need anything, just call for me, okay?" he said softly, pressing a gentle kiss to my forehead before stepping away.
"Edmund," I called, and he glanced back.
"I'll wait outside, so shout if you need anything."
The gesture was so caring. It warmed me even as embarrassment prickled up my neck. I hugged my knee tightly, sinking into the tub, lost in a swirl of guilt, gratitude, and confusion.
Edmund took care of me through the entire ordeal, even cooking for me. He lives on his own, with his parents usually visiting about once a month. Their visits stopped after he went off to the military, and I sometimes wonder when they’ll come again. His mother was the most cheerful, easygoing woman I’d ever met. Even though I’m introverted, I always felt comfortable around her.
"When is Aunt coming?" I asked.
"Today," he replied nonchalantly.
"That’s nice."
"She actually made the food you’re eating right now. She only left for a moment to buy more groceries. She didn’t expect you to be here this morning."
I almost choked at his words. She knew I spent the night? Of course she did. Now she’ll think I’m some desperate, promiscuous woman, or worse, that I’m using her son just because he earns more than before. She used to nudge and tease us, trying to matchmake, and I always shut her down. And now I’ve gone and slept with her child. Brilliant, Sasha. Really.
"Should I just go ahead and dig my own grave now?" I groaned, mortified.
Edmund looked at me, clearly amused.
I shot him a glare. "If I’m getting buried for this, can I at least take you with me?"
He laughed. "Well, being buried together doesn’t sound so bad."
"EDMUND!" I shrieked, burying my face in my hands as embarrassment washed over me
