Chapter 1 Moving On
No one ever said growing up was easy. It certainly hasn’t been for me. I’m not saying my life was miserable, by any means. It was just not a smooth road some people seem to have. But then again, that is just my outsider’s opinion. It’s never what it seems from the outside looking in.
My father left when I was only 2. I don’t remember him at all. But who needs him if he doesn’t want to be with us, am I right? Mom was my hero, and she always will be. She had been my entire world all through my life. My one constant that kept me grounded. She encouraged me when I got discouraged. Gave me a hug when I had a rough day (which was more often than not.) and was always there with a smile and cookie to listen to me when I needed her.
“Tell me what happened Jamie,” she would ask.
And I would launch into that days events, whether they were good or bad, mom would always listen and encourage me. She would always give me her opinion and encouraging words when I needed them.
That was just who she was. The perfect mother, in my very biased opinion. She was the perfect person, too. I only wanted to grow up to make her proud of me. That is why I worked so hard, so I could grow up to be just like her.
I graduated high school a year ago. I didn’t get to go to college right away because I had to stay back and take care of my mother for a year. She died two months ago from cancer.
I never really thought I would lose her. Even when we got the news. I always expected her to beat it! There are so many stories out there where they beat their cancer. It was always going to be just me and mom against the world! Why couldn’t she be one of those? Why did she have to die?
Yes it was hard. It was hard watching my best friend suffer and become a shell of what she used to be. She tried to push through her chemo treatments, but they wore her out so much. She would come home tired and depressed, ready to give up. But she kept at it for me! Every day I would come home from work, she would be coughing up blood, or she would have a new mysterious bruise show up from who knows where.
In the end, she couldn’t even get out of bed. We had to have a hospice nurse come stay with us, since I was the only income and I couldn’t stay home with her. But she needed constant care. One day I came home and...
Nancy, the nurse had called me at work saying I needed to come home quickly. I explained to my manager what was going on and he let me leave without question.
I hurried home as fast as I could, I swear I ran every red light. But in the end it didn’t help.
I was two minutes too late.
I didn’t get to hold my mother’s hand as she passed on from this life. I didn’t get to tell her how much I love her and I was going to miss her. I didn’t tell her how proud I was of her! I missed my chance!
I spent most of our savings on the funeral arrangements and the coffin, not to mention I still had to pay Nancy for her services. Our insurance only covered a portion of the expense. Everything else was out of pocket.
I’ve been working two jobs just to make ends meet. Being only 19 with no college degree, I didn’t have a lot to work with. I was a baker in the mornings and a waitress at night.
Neither of those were my original goals. I worked my butt off in high school. I was top of my class. I got picked on a lot for being the nerd. But I didn’t care. I was going to make something of myself, and as soon as I graduated, I would never have to deal with those low-lives again! I would be better than them.
I got a scholarship. Full ride for a degree in engineering at a school in West Virginia called Silverdale West University. I was so excited when I got the news I’d be able to go to school like I’d always planned... I just needed to wait for mom to get better, then I’d leave.
I spent my whole life in a small town in Louisiana, where everybody knew everybody’s business. It never bothered me, seeing as I was never one for gossip. My neighbors knew me since I was in diapers, and they knew the dead beat that was my father. Miss Mindy told me we were better off without him anyway, and I believed her.
The whole community showed up for mom’s funeral. Mom had so many friends as she used to volunteer at the community center and do the reading time at the local library for the kids. Everyone mourned with me when she died. I got many condolence and sympathy cards.
Some of mom’s friends helped me pack up what was left of her belongings. I had to sell them, even though it killed me. I saved mom’s necklace and her jewelry box she left for me. They weren’t worth much in monetary value, but they mean the world to me.
I’ve spent the last two months trying to get things sorted, selling mom’s Chevy pickup, and our little two bedroom house I grew up in. My entire life was in that house, and now I’m moving away.
I don’t have the words for what I’m feeling right now. Mostly I feel numb. My mind is spinning through all the possibilities of leaving my home. I know it is what mom always wanted for me. She always told me I was meant for great things and not all this small town gossip. But even though this is happening, it still feels like it’s not real.
I feel anxious. My whole life is about to change, for better or worse, I don’t know. Well, I really hope it isn’t going to get worse than before. I have no family. My grandparents on both sides died before I was even born. I don’t really have any friends... I don’t know if mom’s friends count.
I feel grief. Not only am I still mourning my mother, but I’m leaving my whole life behind me and picking up and moving on. How the hell am I supposed to move forward without my mother? It’s not fair!
I feel regret. I regret so many things. I regret having to spend so much time at work when I could’ve spent more time with my mother. I regret not being able to say good bye. I regret not having my own friends to help me through my depression.
And in the deepest part of my soul, I do feel a flicker of hope. I hope that things will get better. I hope I will make a better life for myself. I hope I will at some point have friends and the means to take care of myself. Mom always said I was way too independent. She had always wished for grandkids, and I always reminded her that in order to have grandchildren, that would require a man. There wasn’t a whole man in Louisiana who wanted to date me. I suppose I’m not desirable... Or maybe everyone just knew my story and thought I wasn’t worth it.
Either way, I am very single. And very lonely. However, I’m used to it. I guess it could be worse. I could be in an abusive relationship... So I guess being alone is not so bad. I just sometimes wonder why?
I’m not ugly! I am petite. I wear a size small. I have long brown hair that can’t decide if it wants to be curly or straight, so I normally keep it braided. I have dark blue eyes with a touch of green in the middle... Mom said I got that from my sperm donor. My ‘womanly curves’ are not too small, nor too large. They are perfectly proportionate. I guess it was just that guys didn’t like the nerdy girls all the cheerleaders picked on.
I don’t really care. I have better things to occupy my mind at the moment. Like how the hell am I going to find a job?
I have a dorm already waiting for me. I’m supposed to have a roommate, but I don’t know who she is. I kinda hoping she will be friendly and like me. I want to at least make one friend while I’m at school. That is my lofty goal for the moment.
I know I need a job because I don’t actually have money. The money I used for my dorm is from what was left on mom’s life insurance policy. My scholarship is paying for my classes, but that doesn’t include books or food. So if I actually want to eat, money would really come in handy!
I’ll have to look around the moment I get my whole life unpacked. I have a total of two boxes, which includes my clothing, some bedding, my jewelry box from mom, my laptop, and a couple pictures I couldn’t bear to part with.
I sigh as the old song “Wide Open Spaces” from the Chicks blasts my radio. Yeah, I’m moving on. And I really hope this is not one of the big mistakes they are talking about.
I gulp as I see the sign up ahead. “Welcome to West Virginia.”
My heart starts thumping in my chest. I don’t know why, but all of a sudden I’ve got this bad feeling in my gut. Is this just anxiety due to a new situation? Am I tying myself in knots because I don’t know if I belong here? Are my ′what ifs’ starting to give me cold feet?
As I pass the sign, I groan. Am I making a big mistake? Is there still time to turn around?
Even if I did turn around right now, I would have no where to go back to. This is my future! I can’t stop just because I’ve got a bad feeling in my gut.
I take a breath.
Mom, please let this be the right choice.
