Snatching Victory From The Jaws Of Defeat

I am Neetu, in my thirties something, tech-savvy, and just completed my egg vitrification process with my gynecologist. My marriage when it happens, it will; it's been 5 years I am trying to find someone reasonable and compassionate, but after 5 years of situation-ship, Jack moved on. I thought we moved from situation-ship to a relationship, but that was in my head only.

I lost my job, I lost the guy whom I loved the most. I feel like kicking myself, I started reciting affirmations to find a new job, preparing for interviews and was heart broken. I wanted someone who loved me , so much that they would be by my side and that seems the hardest chapter of my life. After reciting affirmations, I shouldn't have negative thoughts, but when the loneliness creeps in and spirals in my head, the positivity deflects and makes space for negative thoughts. All my friends are busy with family , children and I am sitting alone with my hobbies.

Coming to having a boyfriend or dealing with relationships or having a family wasn't taught to me at all. Why do we need a family? What kind of boyfriend do I need to find. I always put away those boys my maa introduced me. I didn't like introductions then, but today I am more open to her introductions to men, but she doesn’t have any of her friends’ sons unmarried. Today I realize , whether a friend introduces some guy to me or my mum does it, they are just providing introductions, whether it converts to a relationship leading to marriage, is left to us. I chose someone who was just being nice to me, because I fell in love with him. I loved his smile, the way he handled his work under pressure, never shouting or screaming or bringing his work back home. His cool sense of humor would melt me to want him by my side, and that was so short lived. He has many girls who went gaga over him and I obsessed about looking good, didn't have that something in me that would make him stay by my side.

Anyway to find a guy like him, I would be called a true gold digger, its always at peace with him, no anger and he has a way to convince me without making me feel I have compromised as he tries to give a win win to every discussion, sometimes he wins and sometimes he makes me win. I overlooked or ignored the fact that Jack had commitment phobia. I now realize that commitment is the foundation—it’s the first thing you need to look for in a partner. All those other wonderful qualities (his smile, humor, calmness) only matter after someone is willing to commit to you. Aye! Am I still brooding, I don't know if I had to call these 5 years the best phase of my life or my wasted years with a guy who didn't commit.

We were taught to study at school but not taught how to handle peer pressure, commitments in relationship, raising a family and sticking on with it through thick and thin and as my thoughts dwelled on what could be improved by finding those gaps in the society, I received an email that said - " I was selected for a contract job for managing the Learning Management System" , it was a contract for 1 year and I celebrated forgetting all my agonies.

Even in my happiness, I questioned , why this happened to me?