Chapter 1
"NINE! That thing has fucking eaten my Hyper Slurp 3000."
Jane's voice rips through the ship like the universe is ending. Courier ship number 69 hangs unmoving somewhere in the vastness of space, and inside it, Jane is experiencing what Nine likes to call "a Janestorm.”
Janestorm (ˈjānˌstôrəm) noun
A weekly emotional torrent you feel compelled to unleash onto your crewmate because you aren’t getting laid enough.
"I think she did you a favour. Now you can find something that doesn't need charging to get you off."
Nine yells back from her seat at the main console flipping a page of a novel titled In the Arms of the Slime Prince.
Jane appears in the doorway, her arms crossed.
"That's not funny. I spent my last few creds to get it. I want that thing off the ship."
Since the small portal to oblivion first gracefully hopped on board, it had been fucking shit up. The girls had originally found it pawing at the ship's entrance at their last drop off. Of course once the ship doors parted open, it had turned away and started cleaning its paw as if it had never wanted to come inside anyway.
After several minutes of pspsps’ing Nine had been able to coax it inside where it decided to make Jane’s prized collection of novelty souvenir shot glasses its new plaything. Only a single ‘I heart Betelgeuse Boys’ one still remains, now safely hidden in Jane’s sock drawer.
"Oh come on, she's got nowhere else to go. Look at that sweet little face."
Nine gestures towards the creature, currently loudly and slowly slurping at its own asshole on top of the main console. Jane’s face scrunches as she contemplates if this thing's asshole even exists. Leaning in closer, Jane looks down into the vibrating vanta-black void that is supposed to be the creature's face.
"Yeah, real cute. And why do you keep calling it 'she'? How can you tell?"
The cat-like creature suddenly pounces onto a stack of smutty novels sitting nearby, all of them with covers depicting women being ravished by alien creatures. She starts to slowly draw them into her darkness. Nine cocks an eyebrow at Jane, a smirk spreading across her face.
"Okay, bad horny kitty, not those." Nine scoops up the creature, holding her out at arm's length. She ripples and shifts in her hands, somehow both solid and not.
“My sweet baby Jane, I won't let the mean lady send you away."
The creature vibrates in response, her whole body wobbling as she produces an electronic purring sound.
“Uh excuse me, baby Jane? You are not calling her that.”
“She’s named after the most important person in my life.”
Jane narrows her eyes unconvinced, but she throws her hands up.
"Ugh whatever, just keep it away from my stuff, ok?"
Jane stands next to Nine whose cradling the cat shaped black hole, the three of them looking like the most dysfunctional family portrait you’ve ever seen.
"Ok, ok, keep your panties on. We'll pick up a job from The Toad and find someone to take them off tonight."
Nine winks at Jane, whose eyes only narrow further.
"AND if that doesn't work out, I'll personally chip in to get you a Cunt Blaster 4000, ok?"
Jane gives a small deflated sigh at the prospect of doing things the old fashioned way for the foreseeable future.
Nine plops the creature down onto the floor, taking a seat at the main console she plots a course on the screen. It flickers, its pink text fizzing. Nine gives it a hard thud with her fist and the screen becomes still once again.
"Shit heap," she mutters.
Jane slides into the seat beside her.
"Let's get paid and laid!" Nine yells, clicking closed her four-point harness.
Jane's eyes fall to the back of her head as she smacks the hyperdrive button, sending the ship blasting off into a stream of multicoloured lights.
✦✧✦
The now partially rusted and heavily faded, used to be some shade of white, ship touches down on a bustling metropolitan planet. A black circled number 69 is stencilled onto the ship's side and a sticker reading ‘I landed in Uranus and all I got was this shitty bumper sticker’ sits sun faded and torn at the edges at the rear.
The entrance ramp hisses open, hydraulics groaning. Two women emerge from the ship. Nine, the taller of the two is all ass and tits crammed into her corporate issue banana yellow jumpsuit. With tanned skin, very recently topped up from her trip to Aurethra; the three sun planet, her modified silver lenses and a sleek hot pink bob to top it all off.
And Jane’s there too.
"You need refueling ladies?"
A tall, dark skinned man with arms that could crush asteroids asks, holding up a large pulsating pipe with some pearlescent blue residue dripping from the tip.
"I need something!" Nine responds in a breathy tone biting her full bottom lip.
Jane throws her wild, dark curls up into a messy bun. She stares into the ship's chromatic doors examining her total absence of tits and ass and her aqua blue skin in the reflection.
"You need a leash." She mutters to herself, straightening her thinly framed round glasses.
Jane grabs Nine forcefully by the arm and leads her away towards the city centre. Nine looks back at the tall man slowly unzipping her jumpsuit further. He responds by placing the hose between his legs and thrusting his hips suggestively. Nine lets out a screeching laugh.
The girls enter the towering Galactic Corp central office. Nine repeatedly presses the elevator's call button. Jane shoots her a look that says, You know pressing it like that won't make it come any faster. Nine responds by pressing the button twice as fast. Suddenly the elevator pings, arriving on their floor. Nine shoots Jane a smug look.
The doors slide open to reveal a tightly packed elevator filled with a mass of distinct alien beings. Nine carefully slots herself between two muscular humanoids with fish heads. Meanwhile Jane squeezes in next to a tall green woman with facial features that look as though they are being drawn to the center of her face by some mysterious but powerful force.
Jane carefully extends her arm reaching for the button for floor 111 when it suddenly passes through something gelatinous.
"Shit, I am so sorry!"
The jelly-like being gurgles angrily. Jane looks over at Nine who is silently shaking with laughter.
The lift shoots up periodically stopping to let beings leave and enter. As they approach their floor Nine catches Jane's attention. Crossing her eyes and sucking in her cheeks she motions her head towards the tall woman. Jane suddenly lets out a high pitched cackle which she then tries to unconvincingly disguise as a cough. The tall woman's tiny drawn in eyes look down at Jane fiercely.
Reaching floor 111 they speed walk towards a seat at a desk where they are greeted by a voice that sounds like space rocks in a blender.
"You girls get more and more beautiful every time I see ya."
The hulking, green amphibian-like creature inhales something through a device that makes him cough so hard his long, slimy tongue spills out from his mouth slopping onto the desk. Nine reflexively squirms in her seat.
"And you just get fatter." She responds looking him up and down with a smirk across her face.
A long silence hangs over the room before The Toad erupts into laughter which then turns into more coughing. The Toad's tongue slowly retracts back into his mouth taking a piece of paper with it. He chews on it nonchalantly before swallowing.
"Ok ladies enough pleasantries, let's talk business."
He turns to the filing cabinet next to him and clumsily fights with the stiff draw. Victorious, he produces a folder.
"Okay, ship zero zero six nine. Agent name: 925. Age..." Nine cuts him off, "We know who we are."
The Toad looks up at her with his large glassy eyes. Well at least with one of them, the other has obviously found something more interesting to look at on the ceiling.
"Point taken. A total number of 256 jobs completed on behalf of Galactic Corp. Ladies, I'm seeing a lot of red marks here."
The Toad shuffles through the documents, his facial expressions cycling between disappointment and disgust.
"Job 124: Completed but the agent had to be retrieved after consuming illicit substances and initiating an inter species orgy that lasted over several hours."
"I was networking." Nine replies calmly. Her modified silver eyes staring straight at him, arms folded in defiance.
The Toad raises a slimy, webbed hand to silence her.
"Job 201: Completed but the agent was arrested for attempted assault. And I quote, ‘that skanky moon faced nebulitch stole my boyfriend.’"
The Toad eyes Nine. She narrows her own eyes daring him. Jane suddenly lets out a small awkward cough breaking the tension.
"Oh actually that one was me...we were invited to a party after...I didn't know she would be there...feelings came up..." She shrinks further and further down into her seat as she scrambles to explain before giving up entirely.
"I could go on but I'll save you both the embarrassment. Ladies, this has got to stop. I like you girls, really I do."
A single bulging, glassy eye momentarily flicks over towards Nine's partially unzipped jumpsuit barely containing a pair of too-perfect-to-be-real tits.
"But I'm trying to run a business here, any more stunts like this and I'm going to have to cut you off."
Jane launches from her seat pushing her glasses up her nose.
"Understood. Nine will work on her self control."
Nine lets her arms drop, her eyes falling to the back of her head.
The Toad smiles with his dripping wide toothless mouth.
"I too have felt the temptations of yout', but keep your eyes on the prize ladies. Your next job is on its way. Have-a-galactic-day."
The last part he says in a corporate mandated sing-song manner before tapping something on his console which makes their wrist tech’s buzz in unison.
The girls exit the building, the earthy, putrid scent of The Toad still in their noses.
"What do you think that looks like?" Nine asks distracted, her eyes scanning the contents of the stores they pass on their way back to the ship.
"What do I think what looks like?"
"The Toad engaging in the temptations of yout' ." She replies imitating his gravelly voice with disturbing accuracy.
"That is not something I ever want to think about." Jane replies shuddering.
"That tongue though." Nine says dreamily her dirty thoughts racing.
"Gross. Do you ever stop thinking of..."
"Woah! Look at that! We have to get one."
Nine prances over to a tech store pressing her face up against the glass. A black microchip sits upon a spinning platform, vapor dramatically flowing around it. The infogram above it reads: N.I.C - You command. He obeys.
"We can't afford it." Jane says arms crossed.
"But I've always wanted an AI for the ship. We wouldn't need to do anything, it could run the whole damn show." Nine whines pouting, her eyes wide and pleading.
"Yeah imagine how much more sitting around smoking and eating you could do." Jane says mockingly not falling for the same act she's seen a thousand times.
"Hey, I do more than that." Nine rests her hands on her shapely hips; the pleading look now one of annoyance.
"Yeah, pressing auto hyperdrive is a pretty complex task." Jane retorts with a snort.
"When I get my AI it's gonna be me, him and baby Jane. You're off the ship."
Nine snaps back stomping away and muttering incoherently.
"I hope the three of you are very happy together!"Jane yells out after her.
Back on the ship...
"You have got to be kidding me. He's sending us to the horniest fucking planet in the Saturn region. Is this some sort of test?"
Jane uses her fingers to manipulate the map on the pink hologram that is projecting from the middle of the central console. Nine appears behind her, her face lighting up.
"Oh yes baby, looks like we really will be getting paid and laid tonight."
She aggressively thrusts her hips into the console.
"Were you not just in that meeting we had? Any more fuckups and we are through." Jane lectures scowling at Nine.
"You really believe him? If he wanted us gone he would have done it long ago. And anyway it's just a simple drop. We will be in and out in five minutes, just like my ex boyfriend."
A few light years later...
Aphro is a vast densely populated planet that lies within the Saturn region. Its lush rainforest terrain is filled with unique flora and fauna with animalistic inhabitants to match.
Nine outstretches her arms up to the dreamy purple sky, Aphro's twin suns bathing her in their warmth. The girls leaving the ship behind follow a beaten path through the dense, wet rainforest. Jane holding on tightly to the small square metallic package reading DO NOT DROP on one side.
Fighting through some giant leaves the girls enter a clearing. A treetop village lies before them...along with its inhabitants who are openly and enthusiastically engaging in a multitude of various sex acts.
"Im home." Nine stares open mouthed entranced by the activities.
A nude, muscular dark skinned man with large horns beckons them over.
"Welcome to Aphro! I am Kilo, I believe you have something for me?"
Kilo introduces himself with outstretched arms and a beaming smile that displays a pair of sharp canines. Jane fumbles with the package almost letting it slip from her grip.
"Uh...yes. Here you go, and on behalf of Galactic Corp we wish you a uh galactic day. Please leave us a five star rating if you are happy with the er service you have received today."
Jane hands the package over to Kilo desperately trying to keep her gaze at eye level. Nine keeping her widened gaze everywhere but.
On the way back to the ship...
"This is unbelievable. I didn't know where to look."
Jane says, her face hot with embarrassment coupled by the intense humidity.
"I did." Nine sighs, fanning herself with one hand.
"How is he able to go about his day with the two of them just slorping away on him like that. And look over there, there's a guy just eating some fruit and pounding away."
The tall horned man bites into a spiky yellow fruit, its juices dripping down onto the smaller horned woman who is bent over before him tending to some plants.
"Efficient." Nine says thoughtfully.
Jane turns away continuing along the path back to the ship.
"You know, I don't know what I was worried about. This isn't actually very sexy at all. It's so common here it's become completely mundane. Don't you think so, Nine? Nine…?”
Jane turns back to see that Nine has already abandoned her jumpsuit onto the forest floor and is engaged in sex with a horned man studying a book on a bench.
"What? I'm embracing the culture." She yells back at her in between panting breaths.
"For fucks sake. I'm going back to the ship."
A long while later back on the ship...
The ships entrance parts open. Nine slowly peers inside to see Jane lounging on the heavily worn modular sofa reading a novel titled, Tamed by the Solvarian Alpha.
"Heyyy."
"Hi." Jane responds dryly.
Nine creeps over to Jane, her hair a total mess.
"So, ok I admit you had a point. But you know, it's not much different from using your sucky little gadget. You could still get out there and hang onto some horns."
Nine thrusts her hips hanging onto a pair of invisible horns.
"No thanks, let's go." Jane barks, snapping the novel closed and taking a seat at the main console. Nine raises her hands in mock surrender as she slides into the seat beside her.
"A job well done if I do say so myself. Now back to The Toad to collect our creds and then it's PARTY TIME!"
A loud electronic creaking sound suddenly rings out across the planet violently vibrating the ship.
"What the fuck was that?" Jane says gripping the seats armrests.
"It sounded kind of like…baby Jane?! Where is she?"
They both stare out of the smudged front console window mouths agape at the sight of the now giant void creature generating a force that starts to slowly consume everything around itself.
"This is not good."
Trees, people and building structures are being vacuumed up by the great force. Fucking bodies fly through the air gripping tightly onto one another. The creature growing even larger the more it consumes. Suddenly it bellows out a deafening electronic mew increasing its pull even further.
"START THE FUCKING SHIP." Jane screams, pressing herself back hard into her seat.
Nine scrambles at the console's hundreds of flashing buttons and switches.
"ITS ONE FUCKING BUTTON." Jane screeches fingers unable to release their tight grip on the armrests.
"I'M SORRY, I'M PANICKING. IF WE HAD AI..."
"NOT NOW."
Jane squeezes her eyes closed tightly before letting her fingers find the familiar auto hyperdrive button. Smacking it once causes the ship to make a quick ascent, before suddenly losing momentum. The ship stutters hard fighting against the powerful pull of the creature.
"Come on, come on!"
Jane pulls the thruster lever back hard causing the ship's engines to roar. It quickly gathers more speed only just managing to pull away from the voids grip before shooting off into the sky. They both watch wide eyed from the distance as the creature proceeds to consume the entire planet.
"Fuck."
