Chapter 1
Am all in one space, I fell like am everywhere except in my self. I have many worries and thoughts, what if I lose. What if I dont be great as I plan to.
I feel like life is draining me, from it self, tears are wide, but dont drop. The silent tears are become a battle. I look at my self, and all those who are better than me. I feels like am fighting with my mind.
No one want me, no one understands me. No one feels me, no one will ever get, the feeling of fear with no danger ahead.
You are running, when no one is chasing you. I wonder why am in this world, when all I do is think, like someone who is running for presidency. Sometimes I tell my self I worry morethan a mother with 12 kids, to feed.
I wonder why fear is become, an action word, why am I so scared of my future, they say grades dont define you, but unfortunately my do.
It do so much , that it is who I am, I ask myself every night, what if I dont get my dream job. What if I dont drive latest cars, what if I dont find love. What if I find love, but it doesn't find me.
What if I get rejected , by my dream college. What if the world hates me, what if God him self gets tired of loving me, what if he leaves me.
I wonder sometimes if he exist, cause he can see, how I have sleepless nights, lost in thoughts.
Am tired God , am so so tired, that I short down before speaking. I tell my self who am I, who will I ever be. Why do I always have to explained, my self , like am the traitor, why do I always make a statement when am not guilty. I thought only people acused of crimes, need to appeal, or defend themselves. But I do it every second of life, its like a full time job, but I dont get paid, my thoughts, my emotions all are probably smiling at me right now. They might be say, why does she keep think, so much. When she can't see her future.
I wonder what does future, and destiny has for me.
Will they scare me , morethan I am?
I dont think even God will give me that answer. I wonder what life will feel like, if I could talk to God. He would have probably neglected me, because i have more questions than needs for him.
They say people turn to God for needs, but I have endless questions for him, and I need straightforward, constant answers.
Will he hear me, if I could only, get a 2 hours hug, without shaking. ,wondering if the broken piece will find it self. Maybe then I will cry all the tears am holding to my self since I was 9.
I feel like if I can get, 2 hours hug, I might feel enough. And ok
But I wonder if that's how life goes. There is no one who will hug another for 2 hours. Yes I sound silly, but that's how I feel.
If I was ask to go back when I was 9-12. I would better be stock in cold ice. Because those were, what i will call, silent dying. The tears became my friends. But now am over them, but am still growing . I wonder what the life ahead of me has, God if you know the is a ,man that will come, but will not love me. Let him not come. I better be single, than hurt and left shattered. I better admire others and wish the best for them. Than be with a therapist to heal myself.
I better live alone, than to live in fire, that will burn me, away from life.
If I can't get the soft, and warm love I want then let no one approach me, cause am so emotional, and fragile. I dont want to broke. Am still healing from some stuff, my feelings are still naughty.
Am trying to define gravity.
Am trying to trace Jerusalem.
Am trying to define outstanding.
Am trying to talk to my creator .
He brought me In this life, without asking me.
He might as well, tell me why am here, what is my purpose, why did he choose me than some one else.
Why are other girls pretty than me
Wy do others have what I pray and fast for.
I thought we were all loved by him?.
