Love for the Holidays

“You’re actually going home for Christmas?” Staring across the breakfast bar at his best friend and college roommate, Andrew Nicholson’s stomach dropped down to his toes. “Home like ‘four hours away’ home? Like ‘god, I want to avoid my homophobic asshole father as much as possible’ home?”

Evan’s lips - lush and generous and the subject of far too many of Andrew’s secret fantasies - pursed in displeasure. He let out a long breath. “Yeah. I really think I need to. Fuck. I’m sorry, Andrew.”

The thought of trying to throw their traditional Orphan’s Christmas without Evan made Andrew’s throat too tight to speak. What could he even say?

He’d only brought up Christmas planning hoping that it would brighten Evan’s mood. Evan had been quiet and distracted since the night before, though that wasn’t entirely unusual at this time of year. Christmas hadn’t ever been an easy time for either of them. Evan had intentionally placed distance between him and his family - or at least him and his father - when he’d come out as gay. Andrew would have loved to go home, but his parents had died the spring before he’d started college, leaving just him and his younger sister Laura, who’d moved in with friends to finish high school.

Meeting Evan, seeing someone else forging his own path in the world had been a relief and a release after Andrew had spent so long pretending he was okay. Evan understood, he never had to pretend with him.

Well. He never had to pretend about that, anyway.

Evan stood up from his stool and reached across the counter to cover Andrew’s hand on his coffee cup. His clear blue eyes met Andrew’s, never failing to make his heart skip a beat even now. “I’m sorry,” he said again, lips twisting down. “I know it’s a shitty thing to do when your sister’s going home with her girlfriend, and Rachel....”

Andrew snorted, looking away. He didn’t particularly want to talk about his on-again-off-again girlfriend. Every time they fought it got harder for him to want to work things out....

...and a lot of that had to do with the dizzy, breathless feeling he tried so hard to ignore whenever Evan was around.

Andrew closed his eyes, swallowing hard to try and get the lump out of his throat. Evan wouldn’t leave him if it wasn’t important. He couldn’t be angry at his friend for that. “Is something going on? Is your Grandma okay?”

Evan nodded. He sat back down on his stool, pulling his hand away, to Andrew’s disappointment. “Yeah, everybody’s fine. But my cousin Alex is going by “he” full time now, and while his parents are being super supportive and even Nan thinks it’s great....” he let out a long breath.

Andrew knew that look of exhausted resolution. “You’re afraid your dad’s gonna be an asshole?” Evan had re-established contact with most of his extended family. His relationship with his father, though, was anything but close. Andrew couldn’t imagine ever turning his back on his own child, especially for something like being gay. But Evan’s father... sounded like a piece of work.

“Who knows. Maybe not an overt asshole, but he’s not going to be pleasant about it.” Evan rubbed his eyes, his voice flat and unimpressed. “I have to go run interference. I’m sorry, Andrew... I’d way rather be here with you.” He looked as miserable as Andrew felt as he gathered together his dishes, rounding the island and starting to load the dishwasher.

Andrew leaned back against the counter, folding his arms across his chest as he watched him clean like it could push away the terrible sinking feeling of ‘No Evan’. He couldn’t imagine doing Christmas without him. Hell, it was hard to imagine doing much of anything without Evan, which was a dawning realization Andrew wasn’t quite ready to unpack. When they’d first become roommates in undergrad, everything had clicked effortlessly. Evan had become his brother from another mother. So when they’d decided to continue on to graduate school - Evan in forensic sciences, Andrew in engineering - staying roommates had been a major part of their plans.

If you’d rather be with me, then stay, Andrew ached to say. It already felt like the apartment was colder just in anticipation of Evan’s half being empty. The thought of hosting without Evan left him feeling just as hollow.

Would Evan change his mind if he asked? Andrew leaned closer, aching to reach out to him like Evan had. He could ask, right? But when opened his mouth, the words all dried up. What kind of a friend would he be if he made the decision even harder for him than it already was?

The worst part about it all was picturing Evan going home alone to draw his father’s bigotry away from his cousin. It made Andrew’s stomach clench, turning over a tight, searing knot of anger. His kind, noble friend didn’t deserve that.

“I guess I can just give Christmas a rest for a year,” he said, trying to force himself to make light of it for Evan’s sake. “Order Chinese Food. Watch Die Hard.”

Some of the misery left Evan’s expression. He closed the dishwasher and shot Andrew a look. “That’s not a fucking Christmas movie. You can’t be that pathetic.”

“Well, better than - ” Then Andrew’s thoughts halted. A sudden flash of genius took their place with a flare of bright hope. “Hey... want me to go with you and help?”

“Yeah?” Evan’s eyebrows rose at the offer. A true smile broke across his face: that wide, slightly lopsided and entirely infectious grin that never failed to make Andrew’s heart sing... or his knees weak. “You’d do that?”

I’d do anything for you. Andrew managed to laugh to cover up a sudden rush of self-conscious heat. “Well, yeah. I mean, if you think it would help.”

“Help? It’ll be perfect.” Andrew grabbed his hand in excitement. “I can’t believe I never thought of it. I’ve never brought a guy home to meet the family. If you’re my fake boyfriend it changes everything!”

Andrew’s breath caught in his throat. Fake boyfriend? His entire body went cold like he’d been dunked in an ice bath - everywhere but where the searing heat of Evan’s hand burned his own. Evan was perpetually single, of course he’d never taken home a boyfriend. Now he was going to... what, introduce him like they’d actually been dating all this time?

Shock quickly turned to dread. How the hell was he supposed to pretend to be Evan’s fake boyfriend when he couldn’t even admit to himself everything he felt for his friend? If he tried to pretend, would Evan see how real it actually might be? And if he did, what the hell would that mean for their friendship?

Not to mention, Andrew was pretty sure he was straight. Mostly. Definitely not the kind of guy Evan would ever want to date. Disappointing or not, Andrew could cling to that certainty in the midst of all his terror. It meant there was no question of ever telling Evan even if he did figure himself out. So this would just be fake. He could do that for Evan.

Plus, Evan was smiling at him - that wide, infectious, fucking sexy smile - so happy and hopeful... how could he say no?

“Okay. Okay, yeah. Fake boyfriends. We’re on.” Andrew firmly pushed away the maelstrom of longing and uncertainty in his core. He had to, for Evan’s sake. “Think it’ll be enough to keep your father from picking on sweet little trans boys?”

“I think he’ll be livid,” Evan replied gleefully, squeezing his hand like they were already play-acting. “This is going to be perfect. We’ll be the sappiest, most disgustingly romantic gay couple ever!”

~~~

That was how Andrew found himself making the drive to upstate New York with Evan, with three days worth of clothes in a duffel bag on the backseat of his car. He’d let Evan go through his closet to help him pack. Then he’d taken him shopping, so he’d look the part. This meant a new sweater that clung to his body and accentuated his muscles, while the sleeves on his shirts were short enough to give glimpses of his tattoos.

It was all definitely not what Andrew would have ever chosen to wear from himself. Still, he couldn’t help but find it thrilling to let Evan dress him. It was hard not to hope that his roommate, who always had impeccable taste, might consider him attractive in the new threads... or at least attractive enough to pass as someone he’d believably date.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Evan parked the car, then turned to look at him, worried. “We don’t have to play at being boyfriends. Just having you with me to support me is enough. Andrew... is this too much?”

For a second, everything inside him told Andrew to say yes and take the easy out. He’d spent the weeks leading up to Christmas dreading the trip, while simultaneously unable to stop imagining it. What would it be like holding hands with Evan, snuggling, looking at him with all the adoration Andrew’s always fought so hard to hide? He ought to say yes. It was the last chance to call things off before he got in over his head.

But despite all the risks, one idea had taken root that he couldn’t ignore. Something that had grown stronger and more compelling as their charade crept ever closer.

This might be the only chance he ever had to be Evan’s boyfriend. Even if it wasn’t real.

Andrew wasn’t strong enough to turn that chance down.

He smiled, trying to bank down his misgivings... and the sudden surge of butterflies. “It’s fine, Ev, it’ll be fun. Besides, it’s not like we haven’t kissed before.”

Evan’s brows knit together, bemused. “Drunken New Year’s kisses don’t count.”

“No?” Andrew looked at the fence, and the large blue suburban in front of them, shielding them from view. His pulse thrummed against his ears, loud enough that surely Evan must be able to hear it, too. “Well.. do you wanna practice now, then?”

Part of him couldn’t help but worry that he was pushing this too far. It was impossible not to feel guilty about taking advantage of the situation to get what he’d secretly wanted from Evan for ages.

He was doing this to help Evan, he told himself firmly. Everything would be okay.

Just as long as Evan never realized how he truly felt.

~~~