Modern White Nights

This story could easily belong in the horror category because I lived through it personally. You can place it in whatever category you wish. To briefly introduce myself: I am 23 years old, a senior, and a decent engineering student. I have a very close female friend whom I haven’t lost touch even though we live in different cities.

I am someone whose biological clock starts at 7 AM, who goes to the gym, doesn't gamble, and doesn't smoke, drink alcohol, or even coffee. You might picture me as a loser, unattractive, or a "nerd." If that’s the image in your head, you are completely wrong. Not to brag, but I am quite talented in many sports, especially snowboard and football. Physically, I am more than adequate. As I will explain later, assuming that in this day and age girls don't usually make the first move on guys, I have been approached quite a lot. I am definitely fun and warm-blooded. If we met, I think we’d be good friends. My best friend and I love reading classics. Reading classics while listening to Jazz makes me feel like someone living in the 1800s. The place I live is quite decent.

Let’s get to the briefing on my love life. Of course, there have been girls I found physically attractive, but I never felt a "spark" inside. Perhaps the main theme of our story is that spark; I’ll let you decide. I believe I will earn your trust with a few examples.

First, let's start with the beautiful girl I was close with in high school. We lived in the same area, and although we weren't very close until high school, considering our proximity, we used to commute together. We sent each other private snaps. My best female friend, "Siddy," had been saying since the beginning of high school that this girl liked me, but I insisted she only saw me as a friend. Throughout high school, nothing happened between us—except for the time she got drunk at a yacht party and kissed me.

While I still thought we were friends, one day I called her, and she didn't pick up. I called the next day, still no answer. And the next... I texted: "Did I do something to you? Why aren't you checking my messages?"

The reply I got was: "I am not talking to you because I think our relationship is unhealthy."

Excuse me? Nothing happened between us to make it healthy or unhealthy; I was just the guy asking if she wanted to play poker once a month. She wasn't someone whose presence or absence made a huge difference to me anyway.

Since we lived in the same area, we ran into each other one day. She told me she was going through very hard times and wanted to tell me about them. When she said that, I couldn't find any answer other than "Okay." About a month later, we sat at a café. She told me about the mental abuse and mobbing she suffered from her ex-boyfriend. The reason she had distanced herself from me was that, in the past, she wanted to meet near her student house and, at the end of the day, asked: "Will you stay with me?"

I said: "Sure."

I stayed over that day, and believe me, I didn't make even the slightest move on her. I felt nothing for her. Her boyfriend at the time saw those messages (I was a threat to him) and called her mother to complain. Her mother and my mother had had coffee together before. This sleepover issue reached my mother, and she asked me: "Why did you tell us you were staying somewhere else? If something happened to you, we would have looked for you in the wrong place."

"Mom, she asked me to say that," I said.

I decided to give the girl a second chance as a friend. We went to read books together, sometimes reading the same ones. It was going quite respectfully until the first incident occurred. While reading, she wanted me to touch her leg to see how much muscle she had built from sports recently. I was taken aback but touched very superficially and said: "Yes, you've gained muscle." I had absolutely no idea if she had or not.

One day, she invited me to the pool. Since I had gone to the coast with Siddy, I told her I would join later. I went down to the pool an hour or two after her invitation. We were swimming together. I was having fun until she took out her bikini pad and handed it to me. "Can you put these on the sunbed?" she asked.

You are closer to the sunbed than I am, why do you want me to put them there? I picked them up with two fingers, as if disgusted, and placed them on the sunbed. Some might say, "You idiot, if it were another guy, imagine what he would have done there." First, do not confuse me with other men. Second, maybe this wasn't a pass. But according to Siddy, it was a very sexual pass. Pass or not, I didn't want to score a goal anyway. Later, when she shared a new story with that toxic ex-boyfriend, I wrote to her: "I unfollowed all your side and private accounts except your main one. From now on, let's just say hello."

She said: "Let's not have a fake intimacy between us."

She removed herself from her main account, said "Take care," and we stopped seeing each other.

Our other example is a bit softer and can be understood as friendly. I had a female friend from middle school. I used to make her do the homework I couldn't do, but not in a user way. She was genuinely helpful; she even wrote a note in my book once: "Please do your homework yourself from now on." Anyway, we drifted apart after high school until a coincidental encounter. We chatted briefly and made an informal pact to meet up. I kept my part of the bargain and invited her to a café to study. We both studied and parted ways amicably.

In the summer, my closest male friend, "Mast," was organizing poker nights with girls, and she was there too. In middle school, she sort of had a crush on Mast. However, with Mast's phenotype developing negatively and hers positively, Mast told me about his interest in her and that he wanted to try his luck. Mast was really the type who thought "female" was a sufficient criterion. Many poker nights were organized. On one of those nights, when my mood was low, she asked me:"You seem distracted today."

"There is a restlessness inside me I can't figure out," I said.

"What happened? Things bad with your flirt?"

"Not at all, I'm not talking to any girls right now," I said.

I wouldn't have a "flirt" because if I didn't feel that attraction initially, I would try to make them lose interest in me or, as a last resort, ghost them. We left the poker table and went for a walk in the park with everyone. Later, this girl linked arms with me, and we walked to the market together. I thought, "What could be worse than her linking arms with me while Mast is right there?" I spoke too soon. After buying drinks, we sat in a nice spot in the park. She asked: "Why are you sitting so far away?"

"I don't know, I just sat. My head is a mess right now," I said.

Then she came and sat next to me and started massaging me, while Mast was watching us. I felt truly uncomfortable. An insincere girl touching me so comfortably, and this girl being someone my close friend saw as a potential girlfriend... You might say, "She gave a friendly massage, why are you exaggerating?" I respect those who think that. I thought so too until I told Siddy about it. She said: "It's very normal for her to show interest in you despite texting Mast. You look better than him, you are more intellectual, and you don't have a bad past."

I could tell you other stories, but I don't want to bore you. The message I want to give about my personality is: I don't view girls as objects; I value them greatly. I am terrified of breaking their hearts or giving them false hope. And most importantly, I believe in the existence of true love, and I am waiting for it.