courageous topic

"Hi Vaughn, I just read your story :) The theme you address, bullying, is definitely not a light and easy one, so first of all I want to say well done on addressing it. I also think it’s quite courageous to have your character openly admit to “weaknesses” in his masculinity. The first part of your story is written as one long paragraph. Did something go wrong while uploading it onto the website or do you mean it to be that way? I think it would make for much more pleasant reading if you would split this up into smaller paragraphs! I also think that you can add more color to your story by setting the scene a bit more. Obviously your main focus is conversation, which is fine, but I do believe that you can engage the reader better if you also write something about the surroundings of your characters. A last idea: I like the insight we get into Henry's thoughts at the end of this chapter. I think it would make your story even more interesting if you would add some more of his thoughts throughout the story. That way the reader can establish a more "personal" relationship with the character. Anyway, I hope you keep writing and that my points can help you improve what you’ve already got!"