When Faith is Quite

I was a girl.

I grow up in little town of maryland. My mum and dad were Christian.

I was always told there was a God. I did believe, but I dont think it was holy, or pure.

If you asked me, who i am. I will tell you i am a Christian.

But if you ask me to explain. I will look at you, like a kid who just heard about the word outstanding.

I went to church, every single day of my life.

Pastor preached to me, I listen. Without altering a word.

Pastor told me, that people can talk to God. I wonder, is that even true. I mean how can someone see a spirit. I always thought that it was fantasy.

But still I had, this strange feeling called faith. I wonder what faith it.

I was tired of all this thoughts. So I ask my pastor, he simply said faith (is the act of believing in something, or someone without seeing it yet).

I wonder what that was.

One day I ask myself, do I really believe in this God. I mean, my mum make us to say grace. Before eating and also every time we wake up.

For me its a think I do. But am not in. As in involve.

I keep saying am a Christian, byt I dont think. Am partaking in it well.

So I decided to read my Bible. I decided to take a look at Moses commandments .

I made a chioce to do. 2 days of fast. I when to the mountain that Samuel when to for prayers.

I was hoping I will talk to God, and see visions as Samuel did. But the answer was no. I didn’t even feel a think. All I experience was calmness.

Then I left.

I had a word with my pastor.

I ask him, why can't God talk to me.

I want to see him.

Or doesn't he exist,.

My pastor said,( kid life is a mystery, and God works in mysterious ways). But the outcomes are amazing.

I looked at him, and wonder what he meant, by that.

And does the outcome really comes out amazing.

If it is so, then why do I feel lost.

Why do I feel like, my faith is quite and also lost.

Why do I feel like I am lifting a stone on my chest.

All this question, still no one answer.

Maybe if I could, talk or see our God, things would have been better.

Then I met a friend. Called Mary, she ask me one question.

Saying, if you had one dinner with God. And you were ask to, ask him one thing. What will you ask him.

I looked at her, I was so confused. I really had no idea. What that wiil be

Cause , as far as I am involve, I have a lot of questions for God.

I took a break and ask myself that question.

If I ever had dinner with my maker, our lord of host. My Messiah. What one thing will I ask him.

But still I had no respon, to that simply question.

It sound simply but it is , deep.

I left the question pending.

I decided to lie down on my bed, and scream out of thoughts.

But still nothing beeing said, from the inside.

Sunday comes and I went to church.

My pastor ask everyone in church, who are you.

And I looked around, I could see people screaming around, what they think they are.

Then I looked at myself.

I feel like , that question is an arrow, towards my heart.

What does he mean by who are we.

I am me,

I am a girl ,

and a normal one at that.

But when church was over, I couldn't stop thinking of that question.

So I decided to visit the pastor.

And I asked, what did you mean. By asking us who we are.

And he said, I dont mean, who you are physically. I mean spiritual. I mean Godfully, who are you.

And I looked and him, and I paused for a moment. Words couldn't even form from my mouth.

And I just left.

Then I spotted my mum, she asked me the same question, ( who am I).

I laughed and left.

Weeks later, I had a dream. Where I was sitting alone, but I could feel a strong force. Talking to me.

I was even crying for the first time.

When I woke up, my eyes were soaked in tears.

I was shocked.

Then I when to the mountains.

I remember the verse, my mum would read for me, as a kid .

Saying ( I looked up to the mountain, where my help comes from. My help come from, My God who created heaven and Earth).

I smiled, thinking of that verse.

Then I spoke to God. I said, ( father, prove to me that you are real, I know you are. But show yourself)

Then suddenly, it was raining.

I started laughing. And i said I got it.

I heard a vioce, saying. Follow your heart, and you shall be great.

Before I could turn around. It when silent, for hours.

Then I left the mountain.

Heading home, I heard a vioce again. Saying., I am your God, and lord. So trust me, for I am with you.

I was so happy, I finally spoke to the lord of host.

And I thought of it, if I could have a dinner will God, I will, ask him. If I am leaving the life he wants for me.

I went to church and testify.

From that day on, my faith didn’t become louder—

it became steadier.