Ascendant

Since I could form thoughts, that wall always had a hole the size of my pinkie finger. It should have gone unnoticed, with all the time I spend training, rushing homework, and sleeping over at friends houses . Yet here I am, for the thousandth time.  I don't roll, I hardly lift my weight, I'm just stuck, with my neck sore against the headboard, my gaze dead at the wall opposite of me. This position takes me over, though I've tried everything to wake up normally. A pillow over my head, sleeping upside down, once I tried tying sheets around my wrist and to the tucking it under the far left of the bed; 

Stabilizing myself sideways. 

None of it works, I always end up with my neck firmly on the head board, facing the wall, facing that hole. 

Lately I've been getting more and more desperate, I want an understanding, I need comfort.

Footsteps thunder towards my room. I hear the door knobs satisfying click and her big eyes and glossy curls make their morning appearance.

“June!”

She shouts irritably, her foot kicks against the wall lazily, I shift to my side, praying I'll get to soak in any amount of stressless sleep . Her erratic kicking made that impossible.

“June!” She shouts louder, I don’t understand why she’s waking me up—it’s dark out. The door swings open and bangs against the wall next to it, my sister drags her slippers against the floor and snatches off my covers. I frown, my fist clenches my pillow before she can take that too.

“June, get up, I’m serious,” she’s exasperated.

“Every damn morning..” Drea mutters under her breath. She grabs my ankle in an attempt to pull me off of the bed, now I’m fed up.

“Why? Why Drea? Why would I wake up this early in the morning? It’s still dark out. What time is it? 1:00, 2:00?!” I’m barely lifting my head.

“It’s five.” She grabs my pillow with both hands and attempts to pull it. I keep a firm grip, but I know my big head is enough to weigh it down. Drea slams her elbow into my back, I pretend it was painless, and wham the pillow on top of her head.

“June, please! Mom made breakfast, she wants you to eat it while it’s hot.” I lifted myself off my stomach.

“Well why didn’t you say that in the first place?!” I shout. Drea frowns.

“Why didn’t you listen to me in the first place?” I wanted to slap her.

I follow her to the kitchen, her slippers squeak against the floor, our initial anger long forgotten as we admire the storm outside. I take deep breaths mentally preparing myself for the day ahead.

“We still gotta catch that train, huh,” Drea said, trying to look nonchalant about it, a gorgeous zigzag of lightning strikes outside.

“Yes,” I said with a grin, “why, you nervous?” She ignores me, the white reflection of the clouds leaving once she starts towards the kitchen.

Drea’s new to the whole train system, the Dauntless trademark. Because we did grade school in the Dauntless compound instead of the mixed faction schools, we didn’t have to catch the train; our parents decided that despite the poor education the compound offered, it was worth it to keep us safe a little longer. I didn’t understand when I was little, now I’m grateful.  I can’t imagine my eight-year-old body jumping on and off trains. Drea's grade school days have ended, now her struggle to catch the train begins .

“June! Don’t make me drag you over here!” My mom screams, I run to the kitchen and slide into the nearest chair.

I feel my sister smirking at me from the far opposite side, waiting for me to look up and notice it. I hope she slips on the train, not enough to make her fall off obviously , just enough to scare her.  Mom takes the seat across from mine, her silk-like black hair drapes over her shoulders as her crossed arms rest against the table. I smile at her, admiring her grace.

“Thanks for the food,” she raises her brows.

“No problem,” she responds, not glancing my way, she digs a spoon into her omelette. I grab the edge of the table and lift myself up, stretching my back muscles, sore from sleep or whatever the hell Drea did to me.

“Hey! Did I say you’re excused? I spent all morning making food, and you’re letting it get cold?” My mom said, brows furrowing. I shrug, slowly entering the kitchen. I grab a bowl and take  ice and water out of the refrigerator and place it on the counter.

“My face is puffy,” I responded cautiously. I looked into the miniature mirror on our fridge, I turned my head slowly, looking at the stubborn pimples on face. I have lighter skin than my father, but darker skin than my mother. My cornrows are tight on my scalp, and my eyebrows are plucked thin. I’m not all that good looking, but I want to, at the very least, attempt to look my best. I try to ignore my mom’s glare and dunk my head into the bowl, the cold water is agonizing.

I feel a big hand pat my back, I know it’s my dad. I lift my head and smile at him, a streams of water runs down my face.

“Good morning,” he smiles back.

“Good morning, precious!” He walks to the seat that’s next to the plate with only bacon, he raises an eyebrow at my sister who’s crunching on a piece.

“And what are you doing with my breakfast, Drea?” he says laughing. Drea looks up at him with her big eyes.

“I don’t like omelettes,” my mom’s eyes widened.

“Since when!” Drea begins to laugh, her mouth full of bacon. She looks ridiculous, I chuckle, making the ice burn worse against my cheeks.

“Don’t choke, Rea Rea,” he lifts her up by her jacket with his strong arm and places her on the chair next to his. My dad has dark skin, and a small amount of hair close to his head. His tall and strong figure makes him seem intimidating.

My father takes a seat.

“June! Eat your food before it gets cold,” he says while putting a piece of bacon on Drea’s plate.

“But I like my food cold,” my dad frowns.

“That’ll make you sick, do you want to throw up on the train? ” I reluctantly took a seat, picking at my food in silent retiliance.

Thunder sings outside.

“June… you think it’ll slow down?” Drea speaks with a small voice.

“Nope,” I say quickly, amusement dances in my chest. I glance up to see a defeated looking Drea. Occasionally, there are people who can’t catch the train, they can’t hold onto the handles tight enough, or they don’t jump high enough to board. You're lucky if you get left behind with something broken. My dad and mom gift her sympathy with their eyes. When I look at Drea, I remember the younger version of myself, violently shaking from fear. 

My dad smacks the table lightly.

“Y’know what, Drea? You should call in sick today! You could stay home and avoid the storm .”

My mom shakes her head. “No, no, she can’t afford to miss a day with her D in Mr. Oshiro's class…” my mother says in a quiet but stern voice.

“Drea, walk with me and Lucas,” I say, her eyes light up, but then she lowers her head.

“Is he gonna be teasing me the whole time like Xiomara?”

I smile. “No, Lucas isn’t like that.” My mom nods at me gratefully, my dad relaxes.

Breakfast continues with a comfortable silence. Passing salt or hot sauce across the table, occasionally I begin to hum . Mom then faces me.

“Are you excited for the Choosing Ceremony ?”                 

         The dreaded question.      

  I chew my food slower, the pit in my stomach inhales my hunger.  I'm not dauntless. It's not that I don't want to be dauntless, or that I hate dauntless. 

I'm simply not dauntless, there's an obvious difference between me and my surroundings and it shows. I feel at home here, with my patient, smart dad and compassionate, hardworking mother. 

With Drea screaming and whacking and elbowing me to get up in the morning, but I can’t wrap my head around the violence, the thrill, the pride of the Dauntless altogether. Everyone I love is here. They want me to stay, expect me too.I want to say I am excited. I need to say that I can't imagine myself anywhere else, but I just can’t, I choke too much on my own lies..

“I’m a little scared.” My dad looks up in surprise, I can’t tell if he’s worried.

“The whole knife against the palm thing is kinda weird,” I say, laughing nervously.

“ The excitement from the crowd is more violent than the pain..” He reminisces.

 My dad describes switching from Erudite to Dauntless as one of the best moments of his life. He said the crowd roared for him as if he had hung every individual star. I always imagined it would be the same for me. No matter the results, or how different I feel, I'm probably gonna stay anyway. I can’t imagine being far from here. I wouldn’t want me and my sister to become strangers.

My dad picks up a large coat and leaves for work, kissing my mom’s cheek before he goes. He tells me to grab a jacket and then walks out the door. I picked up my book bag from where I was sitting on the table, slinging it across my arm. Then I grab Drea’s hand and drag her away from the bacon crumbs. She fumbles as she puts on her leather shoes.

“We love you, mama!” says Drea with a wide smile.

“Yeah, we love you!” I shout with one foot out the door, my mom smiles.

“Have a good day girls. Don't slip! ,” and with our goodbye, we enter our other world. People walk so close to our front porch there practically at the door.

 Hollers, shouts, and heavy laughter echo through the pit. The scent of rain and pavement fills the air, I love it, I want to bottle it.  As we nudge ourselves into the crowd, I hide my face so my piercings won’t tarnish . Drea sees this and grins.

“You’re such a cheapskate, June. Why didn’t you get the steel piercings like your friends?” I say nothing, too busy maneuvering through bodies to argue. We say hi to friendly neighbors, people from dads work, or kids who decided to cut class. A lot of people like me because I’m the top of the Girls fight team. It might also be because I don’t throw it in their faces.

I take a sharp left down an alleyway, my sister sighs.

“Lucas lives far. Why doesn’t your boyfriend walk to our house?”

I  pause. “ What are you talking about, Drea? Me and Lucas are friends and you know that”

She grins, rain droplets crystalize her hair, “I’m just teasing ” I scoff, I don’t feel like arguing at 7:00 in the morning. I start to jog.

 I don't look back to see if Drea was following me. 

Because she just had to say something stupid, I feel strangely nervous to see him. We turn the right corner, and continue straight.

After following the path full of muffled compound noise, I spot him, in the middle of the grey walls that make the alley.

“Lucas?” I say grinning. He walks towards me with his usual tired smile, I put an arm around his shoulder and tug him closer.

“You didn’t have to walk down here, I was gonna meet you at your house.”

He shakes his head,  “As if I’d let you walk that far.” His eyes soften. Sometimes I find him charming, and it makes my palms sweat. I look at Drea then back at him.

“Did you wake up at 5:00 AM?”

Lucas looks back at me drowsily.

“Why do I look like I did?” He says laughing. His black waves do look a little messy, he still looks great though. He always looks great. That’s the thing about good-looking people, they don’t have to dunk their face into ice water in the morning to look their best.

“A little,” I respond, laughing with him.

“Drea woke me up at 5:00 AM,” I said. Drea sticks her tongue out at me. Lucas tilts his head back against my shoulder, he raises an eyebrow at Drea.

“How come?” he asks amused. Drea shrugs shyly.

“My mom made food, and forced me to wake up June.” Lucas looks back at me.

“Seems like a good enough reason,” he mumbles .

“Far from a good enough reason! That’s a horrible reason!” Lucas looks baffled.

“So you were just gonna leave the house without eating?” He looks at his feet and shakes his head, laughing again. I realize how silly I sound.

“Well, I could always heat up the food,” I was struggling to defend myself.

“Our microwave broke,” says Drea, with a half suppressed giggle.

“I like my food cold anyways. Hot food is too high maintenance.”

Lucas gives me a knowing look.

“June. You don’t like your food cold,” I sigh.

“I can withstand it,” than both Drea and Lucas  jeered, his dimples painting his expression, he almost looks magical.

Lucas was as tall as me, six foot. He muscular but not bulked. His face wasn’t hidden behind silver piercings, he had high cheekbones, and clear pale skin. A green tattoo  python spirals around his arm.

But his eyes, they were indescribable—they were green, a strong incredible green, like the flash after the sun disappears. The specks of orange floating close to his pupil would be the fleeting sunset. When they meet my eyes, there’s a gleam of intention.

When we walk out the shelter of the alley, I don’t get a chance to finish a yawn before cold rain crashes down on us. Shock shoots through my body, I seethe. Lucas moves his shoulder from under my arm and drapes his coat over me. 

“You don’t have one!” I shout over the thunder. Lucas pretends not to hear me. I tug his arm.

“It’s okay, I like the rain, remember?” He grins like a child.

“You’ll catch a cold,” I try to take the coat off, but Lucas walks away before I can

“Hey!” I shout. He grins at me, his pace turns into a sprint.

“Lucas!” I stood there in shock. Drea laughs behind me.

“Oh shut up, Rea Rea…”  I crouch down.

“Get on my back, we’re catching up to him.” Drea walks away in objection.

“I’m thirteen now, not nine.” I squint my eyes in disbelief.

“Well, I’m about to sprint away without you, and if you don’t catch up, I won’t find you at the train stop, you’ll have to jump on alone.” Drea shivers, and it’s definitely not because of the rain.

“C’mon, he’s getting farther.” Drea puts both her legs on either side of my body. I lend her the coat.

“Why? I brought mine unlike some people.” I lower my head slightly.

“I’m wearing a sweater… hurry up before I leave.” Drea sighs as she drapes the coat over her shoulders. I lift her up, and the coat drapes over both of us.

“Oh, I see,” she mutters after connecting the dots.

My feet pace quickly, the rain dripping from my sister’s head onto mine, making itself at home under my eyelids.

“Hey, slow down,” says Drea giggling. I picked up my pace, spotting Lucas who began walking while we were behind. When he spots me, I watch his spark of mischief come to life, when I blink he’s in the distance. I hold Drea’s legs and run, I regulate my breathing, blink away the rain in my eyes, and begin to sprint. Drea screams in thrill, the rain feels wilder now that I'm carrying her , the cold air burns my lungs and I can hardly breathe—I loved it. I was close to the ledge of the walkway, people were shoulder to shoulder with me. My sister doesn’t look down, she trusts me. I grab her legs tightly, and slide against the wet stone , my sister's joyous shouts get louder as  water splashes us from below and above. 

Five feet away from us is Lucas, his dark hair is now completely wet, the curls stick to his forehead like rivers on a map, his smiles at us with adoration. His smile is enough to make me want to explode.

“Take your coat!” I shout, laughter pouring out my chest. Strangers pass by us and chuckle, not at us, but with us. Not in a way you would when you see someone doing something stupid, but when you see someone doing something human. A tall man with tattoos sees us and mutters,

“This is what Dauntless is all about,” and I agree. Me and the two young people I care about most, running on the edge of a fenceless pit, the rain decorating our moment, high on the pure exhilaration. I can’t imagine a place more imperfect than Dauntless, and this moment, but that’s the point. To anyone else, it would look like I had a death wish—they wouldn’t understand that being on the edge of death is what makes us feel everything, and to feel everything is the most pure feeling in the world.

Drea lifts her arms and leans back as I glide down, imitating a flying gesture. I push down on my heels and walk away from the ledge, I don’t trust myself that much. My legs shake as the ledge gets steeper. 

“Go faster!” she says with a grin, her cheeks and nose are pink from the air that bites us.

“I’ll try!” I run even though my legs feel like they’ll snap, and my chest is ignited, because I live for these moments with Drea—we will never become strangers.

Then we reached the stairs. Lucas is at the top, his chest rises and falls as he looks down at the bottom of the staircase, his smile unfaltering. I run up the stairs and grab his ankle before he can run off. He’s able to tug my hand away; it was the only thing keeping me balanced, so I falter backwards. As soon as I feel myself falling, I feel his strong arms hooked under mine.

“I feel like I’m holding on from a thread,” I laugh nervously. It feels nice being this close to him. He smiles down at me. Are my shoulders sweating?

“Maybe ‘cause you are,” Drea says breathlessly, she holds me up from the back . We’re probably crushing her. Lucas pulls me closer to him, and very suddenly I feel every nerve in my body.  My eyes meet his until he lifts me onto the step above him, his black shirt wet and plastered to his body, a shiver runs through me, from the cold, I think.

“Careful,” his eyes  hint of something protective , they always do when we’re together, but the way it resurfaces now is more than friendly, it passes the boundaries I put on our bond. I place the coat over him and lift my eyebrows. 

“Glad I caught you before you caught pneumonia.” He starts fake coughing, I playfully push him.

“Are you sure you don’t need it?” 

“I’m wearing a sweater.” We walk up the stairs.

“Yeah, it’s pretty thick,” he said, rolling his eyes. I guess my sweater was loose, but it was warm.