Behind the mask

Shadows and first light

While other children chased sunlight, she hid in shadows, unsure if she belonged anywhere.That was Lila for you. A dark-skinned, average girl with thick lips and quiet eyes.

‎This feeling followed her into adulthood. She’s a lovely soul, an amazing person but beneath it all lies someone lost in self-pity, always seeking validation.

‎She hides behind masks, too afraid to face her fears. She tries to fit in but never quite finds her place. Lila loves deeply. She holds friendship close maybe too close sometimes.

‎She comes from an average family, not financially buoyant, but she gives her all with what little she has. Every gesture, every effort, comes from the deepest part of her.

‎But behind all of this… is a girl who still struggles to love herself.

‎

‎... ... ... ... ... ...

Now at twenty-six, Lila still carried the same quiet ache she did as a child. Nothing much had changed except she was older now, and very uncomfortable with the monster inside her. The one that whispered doubts, the one that wanted to damage her. It was the early afternoon of July 27th, 2019 just a day after her NYSC ended. She had gone out with her new female friend, Ivy her roommate during service to celebrate her birthday. Funnily enough, it was the first time Lila was ever going out to celebrate her day. Thanks to Ivy, who had practically dragged her out to mark two victories in one.

“Lila, life is once o, it’s all about celebrating small victories and this one is one of them. You know what we passed through in this state. And to crown it all, today is your big day. No flimsy excuse. We’re going out, and that’s final,” Ivy said, tugging at Lila, who lay on their small Mouka foam mattress in their one-room apartment.

‎“Ivy!! I’m tired. We can celebrate in the room. I’ll cook, we’ll watch a movie or do something fun and unique without going out,” Lila protested.

“Aunty, we’re going out. It’s been so long since I’ve done that.” Lila rolled her eyes surprised Ivy even said that. If going out had a second name, it would be Ivy. She couldn’t count how many times Ivy went out in a single month. Lila let out a wild laugh. “This girl! I don’t know what you and denial have in common. Wasn’t it just last week you went on that date with the guy you met online?”

“I know I went out,” Ivy said, smirking. “But you don’t expect me to settle for someone like him. That date was the worst! The way he talked, the way he ate ugh! I felt like vomiting. I had to keep up appearances so I wouldn’t come off rude.”

“You never can tell, you might teach him something. He hasn’t stopped disturbing you with texts and calls,” Lila said calmly. “He’s respectful, but you’re too picky.” Ivy glanced at her introverted friend in mock disbelief. Lila went on and on, dishing out relationship advice like she had been in ten love stories. When she finally stopped, a soft stillness fell between them one that Lila recognized instantly.

That awkward silence. The one that always came just before Ivy burst out laughing.

And she was right.

Ivy erupted into laughter, shaking her head like Lila had just said the most outrageous thing in the world.

“It’s surprising o! You know relationship tips more than I do. And yet, I haven’t seen you even have a serious conversation with a guy. You’ve never been in a relationship! The ones who try, you keep them waiting till they get tired. Kukuma open an office so I can start paying you to link people up. Before the year ends, you’ll be pricing a house at Banana Island Relationship Expert Lila!”

She clapped her hands dramatically and continued, “Please, Aunty, get ready. If you don’t want to unwind, me I want to! I won’t give up until I find the perfect man for myself.”

She tugged Lila off the bed again, not giving her room to refuse.

Lila had no choice. She knew Ivy never gave up, and she didn’t take no for an answer. Deep down, she was also tired tired of being a sorry excuse for herself.

Ivy made sure she looked her best, pulling out an outfit just for her. If left to Lila, she would’ve picked something plain and casual. But not when Ivy the fashion bad girl was around.

-----------

That afternoon, they sat opposite each other at Eko Restaurant, about fifteen kilometers away from their apartment. They ordered a Chinese meal and soft drinks. While they ate, Ivy suddenly raised her glass, drawing attention from nearby tables.

Without warning, she began singing “Happy Birthday” loudly.

Lila's eyes widened as she tried to shush her, her voice a low, frantic whisper: “Ivy, stop it!”

But Ivy was unstoppable. The other diners caught on quickly and joined in. Lila sat there frozen, stunned, cheeks burning this was a first for her. She had never been publicly celebrated like this. A few tears slipped out as she looked around the room full of strangers clapping for her.

When Ivy finally sat down, she reached across the table and held Lila’s hand.

“I know you’re surprised,” Ivy said gently, “but I’m not sorry. You deserve to be celebrated, Lila. You don’t know the grace you carry. I admire you, this isn’t just talk to make you feel good. It’s the truth.”

“I’ve known you for just a year, but it’s been wonderful. Yes, we’ve had misunderstandings, but we talked through every single one. You’re quick to say sorry when you’re wrong, you taught me that. You even taught me how to manage the little I have without shame.”

She squeezed her hand tighter. “You deserve happiness, Lila. I don’t know what’s holding you back from seeing how amazing you are but thank you for being you.”

“Just stop already, Vy!” Lila said with a smile, blinking away the tears. “I’m happy you did this. I’m happy you understand me. You’ve been such a gift. I didn’t know I was chasing shadows all those past years thinking I had friends.”

She laughed softly and added, “You’re worth more than a million friends but nawa for you o, see the stunt you pulled! I was shocked. You’re something else. Shift, joor.”

She playfully disentangled her hand from Ivy’s. They were still teasing each other when a very handsome young man strolled toward their table. Instinctively, the ladies composed themselves as he approached.

“Hey, beautiful ladies,” he greeted, flashing a confident smile.

“Hey!” Ivy replied with ease, then glanced at Lila, urging her to respond. But Lila was already fidgeting. Ivy let out a quiet sigh and whispered to herself, *“Hmmm… is she shy or what? You sure say this girl go ever date or marry? What’s this? I have to teach you a lot.”

After a moment, Lila finally looked up and said, “Hey, I’m sorry. I had food in my mouth and didn’t want to talk with it.” “No problem, I understand,” the guy replied warmly. “You’re the celebrant everyone was singing for, right?”

“Yeah,” Lila said softly.

“A surprising moment, I must say. Your body language showed you didn’t see it coming. I’ve been watching from the lounge over there since you ladies walked in.”

Lila smiled. “Oh yeah, she pulled it. I was surprised totally didn’t see it coming.”

Ivy, the self-declared guru in guy matters, picked up on the vibe instantly. She giggled and stood up.

Where you going? Lila asked glancing at Ivy awkwardly.

“Let me get something. I’ll be back,” she said with a smirk.

“Alright,” Lila replied. “Don’t be long.” As Ivy stepped out, the handsome young man gestured toward her seat.

“Can I?” he asked politely.

“Yeah, no problem,” Lila replied.

“Thank you,” he said, sitting down smoothly.

“You’re beautiful. And you’ve got a really lovely smile, I must say. What’s your name?”

Just like that, it happened again.

That familiar, creeping doubt. Even in a room full of people even surrounded by friends Lila often felt like an outsider looking in. Laughter always seemed to float around her like bubbles she couldn’t touch. She’d smile at jokes, nod at compliments, but inside, she questioned everything.

"Are they just being kind? Just trying to make me feel included?

That voice in her head came rushing back now louder than ever.

"He’s just being nice.” " He doesn’t mean it. " Don’t believe him.”

Suddenly, her brain started judging everything her dark skin, her thick lips, her dress, her face, even her voice. She wanted to run. For a moment, she completely forgot he was sitting right there. “Hey?” the guy called softly, trying to get her attention. “You okay?”

“Oh! Sorry… you were saying?” Lila asked, startled. She felt like a nervous teenager on her first real outing.

“You’re a pretty lady,” he repeated gently. “I was honestly drawn in by your smile. I just wanted to know what’s the name of the pretty lady?”

Lila swallowed her nerves and finally answered, “Thank you. It’s Lila.”

“Lila,” he repeated, almost like tasting the name. “That’s a soft, rare name. I like it. So, what do you do?”

“We just concluded our NYSC, and luckily, we were both retained at our place of work.”

“Wow, that’s rare these days,” he said. “Must be a good place if you both wanted to stay.”

“Yeah, it’s a good place. Dangote Flour Company,” Lila replied.

But even as she spoke, part of her just wanted to run off. "What the heck could this good-looking guy possibly see in her? She didn’t deserve his attention", her mind screamed.

“Congratulations to you and your friend two victories in one I must say." he said with a smile.

“My bad I didn’t even introduce myself, and you didn’t ask either,” he added with a playful grin, showing off a set of white, perfect teeth. He had a dimple on his right cheek. Gosh. He’s damn handsome!

“I’m Henry. I run a small tech company of my own.”

Lila just kept staring, fidgeting, playing with her fingers like a teenager being toasted for the first time. She didn’t even know what to say.

“Not much of a talker, I see,” he said, gazing into her eyes.

Even though he was kind, her thoughts spiraled again. She began doubting her voice, her smile, her presence. Her palms were clammy. Her heart raced. She looked around the restaurant everything suddenly felt too bright, too loud.

"What does he want?" she whispered to herself. "Ivy caused this. She brought this attention and where the hell did she go?"

Everything in her wanted to believe him. To trust that he meant what he said. But her mind fought back louder than ever.

You’re not the kind they want.You’ll mess this up.Say something weird, and he’ll walk away.

Henry tried to say something again, sensing her discomfort. He wondered if he’d misstepped.

But before he could finish...

“I’ll be right back,” she said quickly, forcing a smile.

She stood and walked briskly towards the restroom not because she was pressed. She rarely ever was in public. She just needed to breathe.To hide.

Ivy, who had been watching from a distance, noticed Lila’s sudden exit and quickly intercepted her. She met her halfway, just outside the restroom.

“Lila,” Ivy called out, her voice a mix of concern and mischief. “You were doing fine. What happened?” Lila opened her mouth but couldn't form the right words. The panic was still fresh in her chest.Ivy didn’t wait. “Lila, have you seen you? I was over there watching. I wanted to see how the ‘relationship expert’ in our tiny room would handle this. And now you’re running?”

She placed her hands gently on Lila’s arms. “Please. I know you’re not pressed. Just do an about-turn and go back to your table. You’re keeping him waiting.”

Then she leaned in. “And if you don’t, you know me I’ll drag him out here myself. Just be free, for my sake. There’s nothing wrong with you.”

“But…”

“No but , babes,” Ivy cut in, gently but firmly. “Just go back.”

Lila took a deep breath. She had no option. Ivy didn’t beg twice. She wasn’t even sure why she’d bolted. Her thoughts had been too loud. Everything in her whispered she didn’t measure up. That she was ugly. That she’d ruin it.

But she turned.

And walked.

As she approached the table, she forced a small smile. “Sorry for keeping you waiting,” she said, sitting back down.She had returned, but her heart was still unsure.

“It’s not a problem. I was ready to wait. A man knows when he knows,” Henry said calmly.

Lila kept wondering what he meant by that.Then, her thoughts drifted... Maybe this wasn’t just another compliment. Maybe… just maybe, this one could be different.