So Close, Yet So Far Away

AN: Thank you to my best friend for helping me pick the name for this first fic. Your help is much appreciated :]

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Kaz is absolutely smitten by Nikolai and he hates it. But that doesn't stop him from revealing his hidden feelings.

Based on Million Dollar Man by Lana Del Rey (at least a little bit I dunno)

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It has to be that stupid smile of his. Or maybe it's his stupid wits. Whatever it is, Kaz loves it. Loves it so much that he'd let the prince of Ravka do things to him that Kaz would never, Never, let anyone do.

He has the money, the money Kaz wants. Kaz needs. But deep down in his petty and revengeful heart, he wants- needs, that prince for himself, just the prince, forget the fucking Kruge. For now, Kaz had to Focus on what's important. Get his Kruge and head back to Ketterdam, without any detours.

Okay. Maybe one detour..

Kaz found himself waiting for Nikolai at the chapel where Inej had left him alone. The moment they just had together had Kaz's mind in a jumble. That was quickly cut off when a familiar voice came from behind.

"Didn't take you as the religious type, Brekker?" Nikolai said, there was a hint of amusement behind that statement.

Kaz let out a breath, not realizing he was holding his breath in the first place, "Just waiting for the Kruge and then I'll be on my way." Kaz finally said. Calm and collected. For now.

Nikolai laughed and took a seat beside Kaz. The blond cast a look at him and shook his head, "don't get your head in a twist, Kaz. You'll get it."

Kaz glanced at Nikolai, a pang of envy stabbed Kaz's chest. The stupid grin. Kaz could feel his face heat up a bit so he quickly looked away. A flash of concern went over Nikolai's features but his grin remained.

"Something wrong?" Nikolai asked breaking the silence between the two. Kaz shook his head.

"Why would I tell you?"

"Because I have your Kruge."

Kaz glared at Nikolai, "And? I'll get it from your dead hands anyway."

Nikolai laughed and shook his head. Pathetic? Yeah he's hopeless. Nikolai tilted his head a bit, "Come on, Brekker. I won't judge."

Kaz sat there staring at Nikolai. His heart beat so hard in his chest he thought Nikolai could hear it. Or maybe it would explode right there in his chest. Saints, what is it about this man? Kaz actually had thoughts about him.

"I think I might.." Kaz started. He shook his head and let out a frustrated breath.

Nikolai's eyes narrowed at Kaz and then softened. He studied Kaz for a long moment before realizing where this might be going.

"Kaz?" Nikolai whispered. His grin had faded, "Are you trying to tell me you're in lo-"

"Don't fucking say it, Sturmhond." Kaz grumbled.

"You're in love with me!" Nikolai exaggerated. Kaz let out a huff and rolled his eyes.

"No." Kaz said, but yes. Kaz loves Nikolai. He loves everything about Nikolai Lantsov. And he wants everything from Nikolai Lantsov.

Nikolai stared at Kaz in twisted awe. He stood up and straightened his jacket. He moved to where he could stand in front of Kaz. Kaz kept his eyes glued to the ground. He could sense Nikolai's eyes on him, so he refused to look at the blond.

"Stay tonight Kaz. Stay with me for the night and lets see if we can sort out your feelings." Nikolai said. The playfulness in his tone faded. There was a soft tenderness to his voice. Kaz's heart felt heavier as Nikolai spoke.

Kaz didn't speak. He just kept his eyes on the ground, his jaw clenched.

"Kaz. Look at me." Nikolai said softly.

Without any control over his body, Kaz obeyed and met Nikolai's eyes.

"We can figure this out tonight. And if you don't want to make any of this official or just throw this in a box and lock it away, we can. I'll get you a ship back to ketterdam and we can pretend none of this happened." Nikolai explained. His tone hadn't changed and maybe Kaz liked that.

Kaz gave in and nodded. He swallowed hard, "Alright. Just for the night." he muttered.

Nikolai grinned. Though he didn't think Kaz would actually give in to him, he honestly didn't care. One night is enough.

"I'll see you later tonight then, Brekker?"

"Not a word of this."

"I'll take that as a "yes, my dear."."

And with that, Nikolai was gone.

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The rest of the day was a blur for Kaz. He sat through a miserable dinner thinking about what might happen behind Nikolai's closed doors.

Kaz was the first up and out of the dining hall. He didn't even stop to talk to Jesper when he asked him if he was alright. He made his way down the small corridor, trying to look for a way out for some fresh air. Finally after what felt like ages, Kaz stepped outside. The arm was warm and breezy against Kaz's skin. He took a deep breath and sighed. His eyes fluttered shut as he stood there, then he heard footsteps behind him.

"Kaz?" It was Nikolai.

Kaz's eyes flew open and he whipped his head around. Nikolai was standing in the doorway, his hands in his pockets and the faintest smile touched his lips.

"Are you okay?" Nikolai asked as he took a few steps to stand next to Kaz. Kaz looked away and stared ahead of him. Not wanting to make eye contact with the blond again.

Nikolai let out a small laugh and crossed his arms. They both stood in silence, listening to their own breath and the occasional chirp of crickets. Kaz's heart twisted in his chest and there was a knot in his stomach.

Finally Kaz let out a shaky breath and tapped his cane on the ground, "Alright. Let's go."

Nikolai glanced at Kaz. There was a hint of giddy in his blue eyes. He turned on his heel and started for his room. Kaz followed behind. The knot in his stomach just grew and grew. He was pretty sure he might throw up.

They walked in silence, the only sound was from their footsteps and Kaz's cane. Nikolai let out a low whistle once they got to his room, "Come quick, don't want anyone seeing?" Nikolai grinned and gave Kaz a wink. Kaz scowled and stepped into the room. It was quite spacious. An elegant bed perfect for two..oh and other things obviously.

"Make yourself cozy. I'm just going to clean myself up and maybe change into something else." Nikolai said and adjusted himself. Kaz grumbled and sat on the side of the bed. He took a moment to breathe and take in the comfort of the bed. Kaz's mind was reeling, and that feeling in his stomach hasn't calmed down either.

He sat there for a few more minutes before Nikolai walked back out of the bathroom. He was buttoning the last few buttons on his shirt. He stood there for a second trying to get the last button but he just let it stay how it was. Kaz was staring at the man. Nikolai hadn't noticed until he looked up and grinned.

"Oh Kaz, you can take a picture if you'd like." Nikolai said. Kaz snapped back into reality and quickly looked away. "It might help you on the trip back if things don't go as planned." The blond teased.

Kaz rolled his eyes, "I don't need a picture."

"What are you trying to tell me, Brekker?" Nikolai pressed as he moved to stand in front of Kaz. Kaz swallowed and looked up at Nikolai. That knot in his stomach? Oh yeah, it's worse now.

Kaz quickly looked away and sighed, "Take off your coat." Nikolai said, there was a bit of sternness to his voice. Kaz looked back at Nikolai and furrowed his eyebrows.

"What?"

"Take off your coat. Stay a while, Brekker."

Kaz stared at Nikolai for a long moment before obediently taking off his coat and tossing it to the side. Nikolai tilted his head a bit and glanced at the coat.

"Good. Now, about this whole being in love with me." Nikolai started and shifted his weight to the side, "What's that about?"

Kaz couldn't take his eyes off of Nikolai. He opened his mouth but no words came out.

"How would this work, hm? You got that thing where you let no one touch you." Nikolai said.

He was right. Kaz hated physical touch. Hated it because of his past. But he wants Nikolai to touch him.

"You can help me." Kaz blurted before he could even think.

Nikolai tilted his head a bit and let out a soft laugh, "How?"

Kaz bit back the small impatient groan he was about to release from his throat, "I-I don't know." Kaz managed. His eyes left Nikolai's gaze.

"Ah, don't look away." Nikolai instructed. He moved his hand and slowly moved Kaz's head to look at him. Kaz bit back the nauseous feeling in his throat and looked back at Nikolai.

"Now, tell me. How can I help?" Nikolai tried again.

Kaz clenched his jaw and took a shaky breath, "I..I want you to-" Kaz quickly paused and shot up to his feet, "Nothing. Nevermind this is stupid." He said and backed away from Nikolai. Nikolai stared at Kaz in surprise.

"You can tell me, Kaz. Or you can leave."

Kaz looked back at Nikolai and sighed. He bit the inside of his cheek and pressed on, "Fine. I want you Nikolai. I want you to touch me in places I'd never let anyone else touch me," Kaz started, "And I want you to kiss me until the pain in my chest is gone, or until I forget everyone's name and I only know yours."

Nikolai stood there staring at Kaz like a dumbfounded dog. He went to speak but Kaz cut him off.

"I want you as much as I want Kruge. I want you as much as I want revenge." Kaz said and sighed, "I want to touch you, but-" his sentence broke off when he realized he probably sounded dumb.

"Then we will. We'll touch each other, and kiss each other. Whatever you want Kaz, I can give it to you," Nikolai proposed, "I'll be all yours, and you'll be all mine."

Kaz's breath hitched as Nikolai came closer to him, "We'll start easy and slow. May I?" Nikolai gestured to Kaz's gloved hands. Kaz stared at his hands before reluctantly nodding and put out his hands for Nikolai to take the gloves off.

"Good." Nikolai muttered. He slipped off the first glove then the second. Nikolai tossed them on the bed near Kaz's coat, "they're right there if you want them back." Nikolai smiled. Kaz nodded and swallowed.

"Now unbutton my shirt." Nikolai commanded. Kaz bit his lip a little and reached for Nikolai's shirt. His fingers brushed against Nikolai's chest. He waited for the sick feeling in his stomach, but nothing came. So Kaz started slowly unbuttoning the blond's shirt. Nikolai didn't look away from Kaz as he unbuttoned his shirt.

Kaz slowly got to the last button and carefully pulled his hands away. Kaz couldn't help but to stare at Nikolai's bare chest.

"Now with your full permission, I'll take your shirt off." Nikolai said smoothly. Kaz's heart started to beat even faster.

"Yes. You can." Kaz whispered. And Nikolai did so. He started slowly removing Kaz's shirt. Kaz's face went hot as he watched Nikolai remove his shirt.

"Stunning." Nikolai whispered, a small smirk tugging at his lips. Kaz nodded and swallowed hard.

"Do you want me to touch you first or do you want to touch me first?" Nikolai asked.

Kaz paused for a second, "L-Let me try." Kaz managed. Kaz brought his hand up to Nikolai's chest. He slowly placed his hand over Nikolai's heart.

His skin was warm and smooth. Kaz stayed there for a minute, waiting for the vision of his dead brother to flash before his eyes. There was nothing. Just Kaz and Nikolai.

"How are you feeling, lovely?" Nikolai asked finally.

"I'm fine" Kaz muttered.

Nikolai nodded and slowly brought his own hand up, "I'm gonna touch you exactly how you're touching me, okay?"

Kaz nodded.

Nikolai brought his hand up to Kaz's chest and placed it over Kaz's heart. Kaz felt his body tense up and his skin prickled beneath Nikolai's hand. Kaz clenched his jaw as he tried to force himself to not remove Nikolai's hand. It was roughly calloused and warm. Kaz noticed a new feeling in his body. The twist in his stomach became more unbearable, and now there was another sensation in his tingling body.

"Nikolai-" Kaz muttered out.

Nikolai grinned, "Yes, love?" he asked.

"I..Saints, Nikolai," Kaz whispered. Nikolai's grin widened, "Somethings wrong-"

"What is it? You can tell me." Nikolai slowly ran his hand up Kaz's chest. Kaz felt his body shiver and he couldn't help the small groan that escaped his lips.

Kaz dropped his hand from Nikolai's chest and went for Nikolai's wrist. He grabbed it and brought Nikolai's hand down his chest and near his groin, "I need you to- Fuck Nikolai I want you to fix it."

Nikolai laughed a little and rubbed the spot for a moment before bringing his hand to hover over Kaz's hard spot.

"Tell me I can touch you there, Kaz. I want to hear you say it." Nikolai whispered. Kaz nodded, his face went hot from embarrassment. He's never felt this vulnerable, never felt this so goddamn needy.

"Y..You please, Nikolai. You can." Kaz whimpered, "Touch me, please."

Nikolai nodded and started slowly rubbing Kaz's hard spot. Kaz shuddered and let out a moan. Music to Nikolai's ears. Nikolai stopped rubbing the spot and backed off a bit. Kaz let out a small whine.

"Why'd you-"

"If we're going to do this, we're at least going to do it right." Nikolai purred. Kaz blinked a few times. Nikolai slipped his shirt off the rest of the way and let it fall to the ground. Kaz watched the shirt hit the ground then turned his gaze back to Nikolai.

"Can I come closer?" Nikolai asked. Kaz's eyes widened a bit and he nodded. Nikolai stepped closer to Kaz. He was so close Kaz could smell the wine on his breath, "You're doing wonderful, my love. I want to kiss you, but you have to let me know if I can."

Kaz nodded frantically, "You can. Kiss me until I can't breathe anymore." He begged.

Nikolai pulled Kaz closer and kissed his lips. Kaz melted against Nikolai's warm body. The blond slowly started laying Kaz on the bed. He pulled away for a moment, "My good boy.." Nikolai muttered.

Kaz's face flushed as Nikolai started slowly grinding against Kaz's hard spot. The knot in his stomach became tighter and tighter. Nikolai started kissing Kaz again, taking in any noise the man under him made.

Kaz moaned against Nikolai's mouth as Nikolai picked up the pace. He dug his nails into Nikolai's back as he felt himself grow lightheaded. Nikolai pulled away again to catch his breath but he didn't stop kissing Kaz. Kissing and nipping at his neck, Kaz laid beneath the blond in a mess of heat, sweat, and sounds.

"Kaz, you sound so beautiful. Saints, you're so fucking beautiful." Nikolai cooed against Kaz's skin.

Kaz closed his eyes, "Fuck Nikolai- I-I'm so-"

Nikolai slowed the pace a bit and kissed Kaz's forehead, "Look at me baby, I want to see you when you come." Nikolai whispered.

Kaz slowly opened his eyes. He tried his best to maintain eye contact with Nikolai but the pleasure was just too much.

"Nikolai.." Kaz moaned as the knot in his stomach finally snapped. His vision went white as he dug his nails into Nikolai's skin.

Nikolai continued grinding against Kaz as he came, "Good boy. You did beautifully, baby." the blond muttered as he started slowing down his movement. Once he was completely finished, Nikolai kissed the tip of Kaz's nose before rolling over onto his back. They both laid there breathing hard when Nikolai looked at Kaz.

"You know, you're adorable when you are vulnerable." He said.

Kaz cut Nikolai a look, "Shut it, Lantsov." Kaz huffed.

Nikolai just laughed and propped himself on his elbow, "I don't think so. Especially because now, I can annoy you as much as I want."

Kaz groaned, "Don't tell me this comes with the whole dating thing."

Nikolai nodded, "Oh it does."

"You're insufferable."

"Oh I know. And now, how about we get you cleaned up?" Nikolai grinned as he gestured to Kaz's pants.