Lingam
“Hey bro, yo, live and in the flesh. Make yourself comfortable.”
“Dang, still living the life I see.”
“Hehehe, what? Oh, yeah. I’ve been meaning to tidy up. So, how’s things going up in the big city? You been catching any games?”
“Nah, I wish. I was gonna try and get tickets last week, but this company I’m working for... oof, man. They’re driving us like rented mules. Making us work on the weekends and everything.”
“Aww, that sucks. Hey, help yourself to a beer.”
“A beer? At this hour?”
“Hey, it’s five o’clock somewhere, am I right?”
“All right, but just one.”
“There we go. I know you’re Mr. Fancy Bigshot these days, but you got to have time for a beer with your bros. That’s, like, the law.”
“Damn, it sure does taste good. Been a minute since I had a cold one.”
“You see? Life isn’t all bad. So, other than your job, how are things going?”
“They’re going all right. But forget all that for a moment. Who was that chick I saw coming out of here?”
“Huh? Oh yeah, her. Stephanie I think her name is. Or maybe it’s Sophie.”
“Are you joking me, bro? You don’t even know her name? Whew, she was a smokeshow.”
“Yeah, she’s all right.”
“Come on, bro. Don’t play me like that. When I left, you couldn't get a date to save your life, and now you're hooking up with so many chicks you can’t even remember their names?”
“Ah, well, a lot’s changed, my man.”
“Well?”
“All right, if you really want to know...”
“Yeah! I really want to know.”
“All right. Check this out. I figured this shit out, bro. Hand to God. Works like a friggin’ charm.”
“Aww, man, more one-liners? Dude...”
“Nah, nah, not one-liners. In fact, I don’t even speak at all.”
“Huh?”
“Listen, man, I’ll tell you since we’re bros, but you got to promise me you won’t tell anyone. All right? This is some serious shit here, like shaman level magic shit.”
“Don’t give me all that. Just tell me, man, ’cuz I been in a real rut lately. Between all these long hours I’ve been working and the bar scene... oof, it’s been rough. Bars in the city ain’t like the ones here.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah. Instead of a bunch of drunk college girls, it’s all these real hotties. But they’re dressed up, you feel me? Real elegant and stuff. And they won’t even look at you unless you’re wearing a nice suit and sporting an expensive watch.”
“Ah, yeah, I heard about that. They’re all scoping out the rich guys.”
“Yeah.”
“It’s cool, man. That’s why you took that job. You’ll be making them big bucks in no time.”
“Yeah, I know. But in the meantime... know what I mean?”
“Hehehe, that’s my boy. Hell yeah!”
“So, you gonna tell me your secret or what? Because I’m ready for this dry spell to be over.”
“All right, well I can’t promise nothing, but this shit works, bro. Solid gold, my man. Solid frickin’ gold.”
“Come on, dude. Just tell me!”
“All right, bro, just hold your horses. All in good time. Okay, so it was late one night, and I’ve got a good buzz going, right? And I’m screwing around on the internet, don’t ask me where or whatever, but I find this forum where this guy is talking about all this esoteric eastern Buddha shit he picked up on his travels to the east.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Yeah, and so, like, I’m reading this shit, my eyes barely halfway open, and then bam, he starts talking about the power of the lingam.”
“Huh?”
“Lingam. Some kind of word for cock. You know, dick.”
“Right.”
“So this guy, right, he’s going on and on about how the cock has all these mystical powers or whatever. Don’t ask me. I was pretty messed up when I was reading all that stuff, but the one thing that stuck in my mind was that word lingam.”
“Lingam, right.”
“Yeah. So the next day, I’ve got this awful headache, I mean a real banger. So I was sitting on a bench in [redacted] Park, just trying to get some fresh air and shit. And that word lingam was rolling around in my mind for some reason. Started thinking how it kinda sounds like the name Liam but also ’lick ’em' too, you know? So, like, Liam and lick ’em.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Liam and lick ’em, I’m just repeating this to myself over and over as I’m sitting there on the bench, waiting for the ibuprofen to kick in. And then boom!”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean my dick started getting hard.”
“Huh?”
“And this wasn’t no ordinary boner, bro. This was like I just took one of them... how do you call it? Them pills old guys take so they can get hard.”
“Like, Cialis?”
“Yeah, yeah, that stuff. So it was like I’d taken one of those or something. My dick was just raging in my pants. And remember, I was just chilling on the bench all by myself ’cuz you know how I like to get some sun on my face whenever I’ve got a hangover. Makes my eyes hurt, but somehow it works, you know?”
“Yeah, I know all about your stupid hangover remedies. Tell me more about this lingam stuff.”
“Right, right. So where was I? Oh, yeah. So I’m sitting there with this massive boner, and for no reason. Like, I hadn’t even seen a chick all morning. I wasn’t looking at porn, none of that. Just started muttering those words and now I’m sporting a cock that’s ready to rock.”
“Right...”
“At first, it was just, like, you know, amusing or whatever. But then my dick was so hard that it was, like, painful all folded up in my boxers, know what I mean?”
“Dude, come on.”
“Hey! It’s important to my story. I promise. Anyway, so I look around, and there’s no one around, just some kids playing soccer way off in the field off in the distance. You know the one I mean? All right. So yeah, since no one was close by, I said fuck it, and I whipped out my cock.”
“In a public? At [redacted] Park? Not cool, man.”
“Hey, man, I told you, there was no one around. Place was practically deserted. Trust me, man, I wasn’t looking for no public indecency charge or whatever.”
“Uh-huh.”
“So yeah, I take out my cock, and it’s like a tentpole, man, just throbbing in my hand. Never had a boner like that in my life. Well, maybe when I was 14 and was sitting behind Amelia Richardson in class, and I’d get a glimpse of those little titties of hers when she’d lean forward.”
“Dude!”
“Right, sorry, hehe. Anyway, so yeah, I’m feasting my eyes on this gorgeous boner of mine, but here’s where it gets weird, right? So I’m stroking this two-by-four I got sprouting out between my legs, but nothing’s happening.”
“Dude, seriously?”
“Bro, just trust me, okay? This is important. Anyway, so yeah, I’m stroking my shaft, but nothing’s happening. It’s like my cock is completely numb or something. Frickin’ bizarre, you know? So now I’m like uh-oh, I’m in real trouble. Because if I can’t jack off, I don’t know what I’m gonna do because no way in hell I’m gonna be able to get my dick back in my pants.”
“Hehe.”
“Yeah, I know, right? I’m like a human tripod at this point. So I’m jerking and stroking and doing everything I can think of, but nothing’s working. I’m nowhere close to blasting off, but I’ve got to find something to do with this massive hard-on before some kid wanders over near where I’m sitting, you know?”
“Right.”
“So I tried literally everything I could think of. I spit on my hands. Nothing. I even tried bending over and getting the tip in my mouth. Didn’t work. I’m stuck with this foot-long erection while sitting in the middle of [redacted] Park.”
“So... what did you do?”
“I stroked and I yanked and I pulled on my meat until my hands cramped up, but nothing doing. Believe me, bro, I was cursing up a storm, let me tell ya. So finally, I just gave up. I didn’t know if maybe I’d taken the wrong pill that morning by accident or that wizard shaman guy had cursed me or what, but my boner just wasn’t going away.”
“Shit!”
“I know, right? So then I see some people starting to head in my direction. I was sweating bullets at that point because I thought maybe it was this lady with her kids, so I just grabbed that meat pole and forced it back into my shorts somehow. But that just made things worse, you know? Because now it’s sticking straight out, so I look like a straight-up pervert sporting this huge woodie in my pants, you know?”
“Damn.”
“I probably would’ve taken my shirt off and tried to cover myself up that way, but with my dick in my pants, it was just too painful. It was an acute pain, if you know what I mean, like being stabbed with glass needles or some shit. So I look around and see that the chick has gone off somewhere else, so I sit down and take my dick back out.”
