Letting Go Of The Past

Being this happy is something I’m not used to. What I am used to is being talked down to constantly. I had always heard on a daily basis how pathetic I am. I was told I will never amount to anything and shouldn’t even try to better my life. 

How can some people be so mean to others? It has never made sense to me. For years I put up with the emotional abuse from my so-called best friend.

My name is Cammie Jacobs. I used to be a waitress at a diner. Of course, that was back when I was told I couldn’t do anything else with my life. Who told me that, you ask? Well, that would be the ex-best friend I already mentioned.

I met Hadleigh Chastain in kindergarten. We hit it off instantly and in no time became inseparable. We were always together during recess. It seemed like we didn’t even notice the other kids on the playground.

Back then my happiest times were spent with Hadleigh. We stayed at each other’s houses almost every weekend. She protected me from the bullies on the playground. She was my hero an eternity ago, now she was nothing but a nightmare.

I have been going to therapy for a couple of months now. It was that or go insane with the thoughts going through my head. I had always refused to go. I thought it was pointless because there was nothing wrong with me.

My way of thinking changed pretty quickly when I came to realize how truly cruel Hadleigh was. I admit it took me years to finally realize how things had actually been in our relationship. I had been naïve and didn’t want to see it.

I waved at the receptionist as I entered the office. Emily had worked for Dr. McCallister for nearly five years. She was always smiling and happy. Her blonde hair was rounded at her shoulders. She had a tendency to wear flashy bright colored clothes.

“Good morning Miss Cammie.” Emily smiled her biggest smile. “Have a seat. I’ll tell Dr. Viv you’re here.”

Going over to a chair, I smiled. Emily always called the doctor that. Her name was actually Vivien McCallister.

I looked around the room, empty except for me. That had to mean I was her first appointment of the day. Then again, it was only nine forty-five in the morning.

I loved Dr. McCallister’s office. The place was so beautifully decorated. The chairs were the most comfy chairs I’ve ever sat in. The walls were covered with images of nature.

Picking up a magazine, I thumbed through a few pages. I wouldn’t be sitting here long enough to actually read anything. I had the most punctual therapist in the world. She never left you waiting for more than five minutes. Even then, she apologized profusely for the wait.

Dr. McCallister stepped out of her office. She certainly didn’t dress like a therapist. She had on a pair of faded jeans and a baby blue sweater. I looked down at the outfit I had chosen to wear. Black leggings and a baggy t-shirt. Maybe I should have worn something nicer.

“Hello Cammie.” Dr. McCallister came over to me. “You look nice today.”

“Really?” I stood, grabbing my messenger bag. “I think I look like a bum.”

“You’re comfortable, that’s all that matters.” She led me into her office. “How are you doing?”

“Not too bad, I guess.” I sat on the sofa. “I have a big test coming up that I’m really nervous about.”

I had decided to go back to school. How crazy is that? Going to college at thirty-one seemed like an insane choice to make. I wanted something better for myself though. I am now working on a degree in Psychology. I want to help others who have been through similar things that I have.

It was harder than I thought it would be. The homework was easy enough when I found the time to work on it. I was now working two jobs to pay for my tuition and books. I was just lucky they both gave me the same days off.

“Have you studied for it?” She sat in a chair next to me.

“Some.” I confessed. “It’s not easy to find the time. I work at the grocery store during the day and in the evenings I pick up some shifts at the hotel. I usually don’t get home until around ten or eleven.”

“Why are you working so much?” Dr. McCallister shook her head. “It sounds to me like you need to quit one of those jobs. “

“I wish I could.” I sighed. “It’s the only way I can pay to go to school.”

“I know that feeling.” She laughed. “How have you been feeling lately? Any more nightmares?”

I had been having nightmares for a while now, ever since that horrific night Hadleigh decided to betray me. It wasn’t just the way she treated me, no, my demons went deeper than just the emotional scars caused by her.

She had talked some of her friends into scaring the crap out of me, and it had worked like a charm. They had broken into my apartment in the middle of the night. She had told them to pretend they wanted to hurt me. They even had a toy gun with them, and a little surprise.

One of them had thought it would be funny to bring the real thing. He had kept the gun in my face the whole time, yelling at me. He said if I moved he would pull the trigger.

After torturing me with the gun for about ten minutes, they all started laughing. That was when Hadleigh had come in. She thought they were hilarious. Before leaving she told me if I ever mentioned it to anyone she would let him kill me.

“A few.” I scratched my forehead. “I’ve been feeling a little stressed lately, but nothing major. Mostly worrying about this test.”

“Stop worrying, you’ll do fine.” She handed me a notebook. “Here’s your new journal.”

We had talked about me starting journaling at our last meeting. I was hesitant to do it. I don’t think I can write how I’m feeling. I don’t really even want to talk about it.

If it would help me, then I guess it was worth a try. The plan was for me to write down my feelings throughout the week and she would read them when I saw her. She was planning to leave comments on each entry. It would be like we were writing letters to one another.

The last person I had written a letter, or anything personal to, was Hadleigh. She had responded to that letter in such a heartless way. The five page return letter tore my heart to pieces.

“Are you still okay with doing it?” Dr. McCallister asked.

“Yes.” I said reluctantly. “It’s just that I got a pretty nasty response from the last person I wrote to.”

“I won’t be nasty with my comments.” She assured me. “I’m guessing you’re talking about Hadleigh?”

I nodded. Our talks always seemed to center on Hadleigh. No matter what had happened in my life that week, she was always the main topic of our conversations. I just couldn’t seem to get away from her. I could go to another planet and still wouldn’t be able to.

Sighing, I looked at the notebook. There was nothing fancy about the ordinary composition book. It was just like any other one you could buy at the store. So, why did I seem so afraid of it?

I stared at my hands for several long minutes. I had no choice, but to do this. I knew that I couldn’t keep it all bottled up inside any longer. I just wasn’t sure where to even start.

“Is something wrong?” Dr. McCallister leaned forward, putting her hand on my knee.

“I have no idea where to even start with this journal.” I confessed. “Do I start with when we met, or what happened to end our friendship? Maybe I should start with something from when we were in high school?”

“You don’t have to tell me your life story.” She smiled again. “Just write about the things you feel are important.”

“I’ll try.” I put the notebook in my bag. “The good news is I haven’t seen her today.”

“Well, that’s something to look forward to.” Dr. McCallister went to her desk. “Is there anything else you need to get off your chest?”

“No.” I chewed the inside of my lip.

“Good, then get out of here.” She pointed to the door.

“Our session’s not over.” I reminded her.

“It is now.” She winked. “Go study for that test.”

“Yes ma’am.” I smiled, getting to my feet. “See you next week.”

She waved her goodbye as I left the room. If I didn’t have to be here for the next hour I could go to the library. It was still pretty early, but it should be open by now. I needed to check on a book I had been waiting for anyway.

Getting in my car, I put my bag in the passenger seat. I also needed to make a stop at the grocery store to pick my paycheck up. While I was there I could grab a few groceries. I hadn’t wanted to see that place at all today, but I guess it can’t be helped.

Putting the car in gear, I pulled out of the parking space. I hadn’t had this much free time on my hands in a while. I could get some things done that I had been meaning to do lately. Things I had been putting off because I hadn’t wanted to deal with them. The time had come to stop playing around and get it done.

So, when I got home later today I would be going through some things. I certainly wouldn’t be needing them anymore. It was the things I had collected through the years from Hadleigh. Some of them I hadn’t even looked at in years. I needed to erase all traces of our time as friends. Every little reminder of that part of my life needed to go.

First, I would stop at the library. If I was going to get any studying done I would need that book. I took a deep breath, pulling into the library’s parking lot. I really hoped it had come in. I had been waiting for over a week now.

I grabbed my bag, getting out of the car. I had never been here this early in the day. I usually came running up the stairs a half hour before they closed. That was when I had the chance to even come here. It wasn’t very often that I got to spend a significant amount of time here.

Opening the door, I went inside. The place was almost empty. Other than the librarian, there were only a few people here.

The librarian was one of the nicest people I had ever met. She was always so polite and helpful. I went over to the desk, waiting for her to finish with someone else. It couldn’t hurt to wait for a minute or two, I had time to spare, for once.

“Hello Cammie.” She smiled, handing me a book. “I think you’ve been waiting for this.”

“Thank you.” I chewed my lip. “I need to check for another book before checking this one out though.”

“Take your time.” She picked up some books from her desk.

I went to the section I needed. I had spent a lot of time in this part of the library lately. Looking through the books on the shelf, I frowned. There were so many Psychology books here I may never find the one I wanted. This was the downside to having a library of this size. Too many books to go through.

After searching for about five minutes I found the one I needed. Taking it off the shelf, I walked over to a table. I should check to see if the information I needed was in here. Sitting at the table, I started flipping through the book. This may be more helpful than the other one. That was a good sign.

I took my notebook and pen out of my bag. It wouldn’t hurt to take some notes while I was here. That way I would have less to do when I got home.

I started to read the book, jotting down relevant facts here and there. It didn’t take long to fill the first page in my notebook. I sat there for nearly twenty minutes trying to decide what information was most important to my homework. That was when I noticed someone watching me.

It couldn’t be. Not today, please, not today. This was just wonderful. Hadleigh was staring at me from across the room. How had she known I was here?

She always did this. No matter where I went she always showed up. She started walking toward me. I wasn’t about to deal with her drama when I was in such a good mood. Putting my things in my bag, I picked up the two books. It was time to leave.

After checking the books out at the front desk, I went to my car. Would she leave now that I wasn’t sticking around? As long as she stayed far away from me, I didn’t care what she did.

I started the car, ready to pull out of the parking space. Hadleigh knocked on my window before I could move. Perfect, she had followed me. Why did she have to do this all the time?

I rolled the window down an inch. She could talk to me through that space. If not, she could just go away.

“What do you want?” I asked her. “I have things to do.”

“What’s your hurry?” She laughed. “You act like someone’s trying to kill you or something.”

“I told you. I have things to do.” I tried to roll the window back up, but she put her fingers in it. “Hadleigh, just leave me alone, please.” I begged her.

“I want my clothes back.” She pulled her fingers away.

“What clothes?” I shook my head. “I don’t have anything that belongs to you.”

“I left clothes at your apartment.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “I’ll be there later to get them.”

“Whatever you want to do.” I backed out of the parking space.

She didn’t really have anything at my place. It was just her way of getting close enough to torture me. Taking a deep breath, I pulled out into traffic. My perfect day was ruined once again. It was like she was on a mission to destroy my life. How had our friendship turned into something so unbearable?

I wasn’t in the mood for Hadleigh’s drama today. I had things to accomplish in my personal life that did not include her. She doesn’t deserve to be a part of those things any longer.

Did it make me a heartless person for wanting to exclude from my life the one person I should be trusting? Maybe it did, but that’s how I had to live my life. I couldn’t spend all this time dwelling on how things had gotten so bad. That was something I was likely to never figure out anyway.

She probably wouldn’t even show up at my apartment. It was just her way of making me squirm. I had no intention of letting her stop me from being happy today. I just needed to focus on my plans and forget all about Hadleigh Chastain.

My next stop was the grocery store. I was glad there was a bank next door where I could cash my check. It was a lot easier than having to drive to the other bank clear across town.

The store was only ten minutes from the library so it wouldn’t take long to get there. That was a good thing. The sooner I was finished there, the sooner I could go home. I couldn’t wait to lock myself in my apartment away from the world.

I loved being by myself to think. I would enjoy being there without any disturbances. If I had to, my phone would be shut off so no one could bother me. I had done that a lot lately. I needed a break from everything and everyone.

I came to a stop in a parking space. I shouldn’t have to be here more than twenty minutes. Then I could go home and relax. Sighing, I grabbed my bag and headed inside.

I had to pick my check up at the office. Luckily it was right by the doors of the store. I could pop in, grab my check, and head to the bank.

“Hey Cammie, what are you doing here?”

“Getting my check and some groceries.” I smiled at my manager.

“Here you go.” She handed the check to me. “Are you still working tomorrow?”

“Of course.” I shrugged my shoulders. “See you later.”

I walked next door, getting in line at the first counter. I hadn’t considered how many people would be here. This may take longer than I planned.

I looked around at the other people in the lines. How long had they been standing here? I wasn’t sure I wanted to even know that answer. The bank was usually busy since people preferred it to the other one. It was just in a better spot was all. Whoever had built it had taken into consideration that people would come here and then the store.

After about ten minutes I finally left the bank. Now to get back in the store and get done. I didn’t really need much, just a few essentials. I didn’t have to buy as much now that no one came to visit.

Grabbing a loaf of bread, I looked around the store. I also needed some eggs, milk, and cheese. I would probably grab something to snack on and some soda. I wasn’t even sure if I would be eating more than a sandwich for dinner. That would work for me, then I didn’t have to cook.

I grabbed a few dinners I could throw in the microwave. They were quick to make when I was working on homework. Thinking for a minute, I decided to get some macaroni and cheese too.

With my few choices sitting in my cart, I went to a register. It only took a couple minutes to pay for my purchases. I got back in my car starting home.

I lived a few blocks from the store. It came in handy if my car broke down forcing me to walk. I came to a stop in front of the building. I could make it in one trip if I carried everything at once. It was a good thing I hadn’t bought much.

Going inside, I stopped at the mailboxes. What in the world was in my mailbox? Sitting the groceries on the floor, I opened it. Who would send me a box with no return address? It wasn’t postmarked either. Then I recognized the writing. Hadleigh strikes again.

I wasn’t even going to open it, but it being in the mailbox meant she had been here. I tossed the box in a trash can, grabbing the rest of the mail. I would sort through it all later.

After getting inside my apartment I closed and locked the door. Just as I sat the groceries down, my phone rang. Perfect. I didn’t want to talk to anyone.

Looking at the screen, I froze. Why was she calling me again? I could always ignore the call, but she would just keep calling and calling. Maybe I should get my number changed, no matter how much it complicated things.

“What do you want, Hadleigh?” I snapped. “I have asked you not to call me.”“Did you get my little present?” She asked.

“You mean the box you left for me?” I put the bread in the breadbox. “I threw it away. I don’t have time to play your little games.”

“Well that’s just rude.” Hadleigh let out a breath. “I take the time to get you something special and you throw it away. You could have at least looked at it first, Cammie.”

“Why?” I sank onto a chair. “What is it?”

“You’ll have to look for yourself.” She paused for a minute. “I can always bring over more little surprises.”

“Fine, I’ll go get it and look inside.” I started back downstairs. “Just don’t call me anymore and don’t come here.”

“Fine, be that way. Hope you like the surprise.” The line went dead.

Taking a deep breath, I opened the box. I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. Hadleigh’s little surprise was a teddy bear. It had a black hole drawn in the middle of its forehead. There was fake blood down its face. This wasn’t a surprise, it was a sick, twisted joke.

Shoving the bear, back in the box, I went back to my apartment. This wasn’t the first time she had done something like this. My hallway closet was full of her little presents. I added the box to the pile of things she had sent. I was saving them in case I needed to go to the police.

I honestly hoped it didn’t come to that. Of course, it doesn’t seem like Hadleigh will ever grow out of her childish ways. She was worse than a child with the way she acted. She has always been a very selfish person.

What does being friends with someone like that get you in the end? As I had learned it only gets you living a nightmare of emotional turmoil.

I went into the kitchen, pouring myself a glass of soda. The first thing I planned to do was turn my phone off. I’d had enough calls for the time being. I couldn’t deal with any more of Hadleigh’s drama.

Making my way to the bedroom, I wanted to go through the closet. That’s where I kept all those mementos from my past. The ones I decided I no longer needed reminding me of what I had gone through over the years. I wanted to erase all traces of Hadleigh from my life.

I took a shoe box out, sitting on the floor. I knew exactly what was in this box. It contained every little trinket I had ever received from my ex-best friend. I should just toss the whole box without even looking inside, but a small part of me still wanted to remember the good things about our friendship.

I took some photos out of the box, laying them to the side. I wasn’t sure about getting rid of them since some of my other friends were in them too. I could always cut Hadleigh out of them. Next out of the box was a locket she had given me when I turned fifteen. I hadn’t worn it in years so there was no point in keeping it.

I tossed it toward the other side of the room. That was the start of my trash pile. I would have to make a trip to the kitchen for a trash bag before it got out of control.

Sighing I pulled out a stack of postcards. One for every place Hadleigh had visited through the years. I had been excited to get them at the time, now they just served as a reminder of how much I couldn’t stand her.

It was pointless to dwell on things like this. I was only torturing myself looking at this stuff. Still, I couldn’t seem to bring myself to just toss it.

After sifting through the contents of the box, I threw it across the room. It was only making me feel worse than I already did, and that was something I didn’t need in my life right now. One hospital stay had been enough for me.

It was hard to believe how long ago that had been. I should have known how toxic Hadleigh was right then and there. I had been twenty-four at the time of my one and only suicide attempt. After being released from the Psychiatric Ward a few days later, I decided that wasn’t the answer to my problems. I think it was then that I started to figure out what Hadleigh had been doing all these years.

Now I needed to focus on the task at hand. Pulling a small garbage bag from the closet, I took a deep breath. This bag held all the clothing she had given me for whatever reason. Most of these had been clothes she bought and then refused to wear, or clothes that were stained and falling apart. I never understood why she even gave them to me instead of throwing them in the trash herself.

The whole bag would be taken to the dumpster by this evening, along with a lot of other junk I no longer needed cluttering my apartment, or my life. It would give me space for things I really wanted to buy, but had never done it because Hadleigh hadn’t liked them. It was always you won’t like that and it will never even leave your closet. I got sick of hearing her belittle all the choices I made for my own apartment.

Thinking back on it, I realized that a lot of my decorations here were the ones she had chosen. She never wanted to let me pick anything for this place. That meant I could get rid of a lot of those things as well. That could take some time though, since they were sprinkled throughout the place.

Why had I decided to do this today? Wasn’t I supposed to be studying for that test? I would work on the closet today and do the rest on my next day off. I couldn’t keep putting it off like I had been. I had to keep my apartment, and life, free of the disease that was Hadleigh Chastain.

About an hour later, I was all done with the closet. All those mementos were now in the trash bin out back of the building. I really needed a break from all the memories that were flooding me all at once.

Putting a sandwich together, I sat down at the table. Now would be a good time to write in my journal about what had happened today. Maybe getting it all out would help me feel better, maybe not, but I still needed to do it.

When I was through with that I could study for a bit. At this rate I would probably fail this test and never get my degree. No, I couldn’t let myself think like that. Wouldn’t that be letting myself down? I couldn’t doubt myself or I would always fail. That part of my life was over for good.

I refused to let myself fail so Hadleigh could rub it in my face. I was going to prove to her, once and for all, that I could be a better person. I was a fighter and would not be taken down by someone so cruel and uncaring.

Taking a deep breath, I closed my journal. I had managed to write two whole pages, mostly about Hadleigh. I wrote about what I had been doing before and after I had seen her. I even wrote about the phone call and her little surprise. It had felt good to get it all out in the open, even if no one would read it except Dr. McCallister.

Grabbing my bag, I took out my books. I needed to buckle down and study. The test was on Friday and I had only studied for a total of maybe an hour. I still had to take notes for a paper I had to do also. The paper was due next Monday, so I could work on it over the weekend if I had to.

I opened my notebook to my notes, chewing my lower lip. I would need my Psychology book that I was pretty sure I had left in my bedroom, or was it the living room?

I checked the living room first, then made my way to the bedroom. If it wasn’t in here I would have to check the car. I had been so busy lately that I could barely keep track of what day it was.

There was no sign of the book in either room, that meant a trip to the car. The book had to be there since I had been using it the day before. My search yielded results after about five minutes. I had no clue how the book had wedged itself under the front seat, but at least I had found it.

Now to get busy with homework for the next couple of hours. This should be lots of fun.