Prologue
Nimrah’s Pov
“Well, I guess what hurt me most of all”
“You were playing with my heart”
“Tell me, why am I emotional”
“When I knew it from the start?”
“And tell me, why does my heart burn”
“When I see your face?”
“You’ve made your decision”
“Put me in my place”
“And the lies you’ve been hiding”
“Taking up your space”
“Tell me, why does my heart burn this way?”
“When I see your face?”
“When I see your face?”
— “Heartburn” by Wafia
As I sang softly, I watched the river’s surface ripple, as if it were listening. I took a deep breath and lay my head on the ground. The grass beneath me brushed against my abaya, warm and familiar — like the earth itself was holding me. Overhead, birds danced across a clear blue sky.
Sometimes, I wish time could stop.
That I could stay here forever — carefree, thoughtless, weightless.
But of course, it never does.
Just as I was drifting deeper into thought, something jumped on me.
“WOAH!” I sat up with a jolt — and there he was. A familiar white cat.
“Oh, hey there, Kadin~,” I said, gently scratching his chin. “You scared me again.”
I lay back down, eyes following the clouds. This river has become my escape. Whenever my mind is heavy, I come here. I don’t do much — just sing, recite, breathe. And yet, somehow… this cat always finds me.
He’s not a stray — he wears a collar — but I’ve never seen his owner. He just… appears. Follows me. Keeps me company. I’ve thought about taking him home, but my mother wouldn’t allow it. So I named him after someone I once liked. Someone I shouldn’t have liked.
Kadin.
Meow!
Suddenly, Kadin leapt off me and darted away.
“Kadin? What is it?” I sat up, scanning the area — only to see him curled up in the lap of a man lying under a nearby tree.
I froze.
He was wearing a hat that shadowed his face… but he was watching me.
My heart skipped. I stood quickly, alert. “H-hello…? W-who are you?”
The man looked up. Our eyes met.
Something about them…
He looked surprised — maybe even panicked — and then he got up and bolted.
“HEY! WAIT!” I shouted, chasing after him. But I couldn’t catch up.
Eventually, I gave up and walked home, breathless and confused.
His eyes…
They felt strangely familiar.
No. That’s ridiculous.
I don’t know him. Do I?
~~~
“So… Nimrah,” Hayfa said, twirling a pencil between her fingers. “Did you watch the Islamic lecture I sent you yesterday?”
I sighed. “No, Hayfa…”
She facepalmed. “Nimrah. I told you to watch it—”
“I know! But I didn’t want to. I’ve already watched like... five lectures on that topic. They all say the same thing.”
“So? Then what did you learn? You’ve watched all these lectures, but you’re not even trying to apply any of them!”
“I AM trying, Hayfa!” I snapped, louder than I meant to. “I’m trying…”
She went silent. So did I.
I glanced at her, feeling awful. “…I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not. And I’m not okay, Hayfa. I’m trying so hard to get rid of these… filthy feelings. But the more I try, the more they grow. I don’t *want* to feel this way…”
I buried my face in my hands. “It’s like... no matter what I do, it won’t stop.”
Hayfa reached out and placed a gentle hand on mine.
“Nimrah,” she said softly. “What you’re feeling isn’t filthy. It’s human. We don’t choose what we feel — but we do choose how we act. And you’ve been holding yourself back. That takes strength. I’m proud of you.”
“…So what now? I can’t keep living like this. With these feelings just… sitting in my chest.”
“Pray, Nimrah. Ask Allah for guidance.”
I looked at her and smiled faintly. Despite everything, she stayed. She cared enough to remind me who I am — and who I want to be.
That night, I couldn’t sleep.
The weight of everything pressed down on me — like my heart had no room left to hold it all.
I couldn’t go outside. It was too late. So I got up quietly, made wudhu, and laid out my prayer mat. I prayed tahajjud, just like Hayfa said.
I asked him to guide me.
To calm this storm inside me.
To bring peace back to my heart.
I asked him to guide my heart... when it felt lost — and forgot the rules.
