The Hopeless

At six twenty-two p.m., on August 12th, I stared out my bedroom window. The view was beautiful and the weather was eighty-four degrees. I knew I had somewhere to be, but I’ve always been the worst procrastinator. The messy room surrounding me hindered me from wanting to do anything, but it felt like I could never keep it clean. After rummaging through the clothes piled in my closet, I finally found the perfect outfit. I had decided on a high waisted white and black plaid skirt, my sheer black tank top, and a light jean jacket in case it got cold. A pop of red lipstick and my new chunky heeled ankle boots tied the outfit together perfectly. Downstairs, my mother Alice was sitting in her recliner enjoying another episode of ‘Family Feud’. I remember walking down the stairs, smiling at her and I told her I would see her at eight o’clock.

I wish I was aware of what was really in store for that night.

***

Jacob seemed like your average guy; He always kept a perfect smile, had voluminous brown coiled hair, and seemingly had such a sweet presence. I met him in the beginning of February. Every other week we would meet in Downtown Boise for a dinner date. Everything felt like it was going great. While we were on a date in late May, Jacob’s parents got in a tragic accident, that essentially ended in the death of his mom, and left his dad in prison. Every day after that day, the love that Jacob expressed to me became very different than the love that I was used to. It was a side of him that I had never seen; He had so much built up anger and pain, and no closure to release it. I guess you could say he seemed to have found a temporary way.

***

I remember walking outside to get into Jacob’s Honda. A puff of smoke dispersed as I opened the passenger door and sat down. His hazel eyes were creating a glare that sent chills up my spine. He put the car in drive and simply drove off without a word. After these last few months together, I should have known what that look meant, but I didn’t. I kept my eyes on the road as I felt his hand grip my thigh. Immediate fear began to fill my thoughts as I played back his words in my mind. “Really Xenia? What the hell were you thinking putting on that outfit. You look like a whore!” Jacobs words burned through my heart. NEVER too short. NEVER too tight. NEVER too revealing. These are words he’d said before so how could I forget!?! We drove a few miles down the highway until the car came to a stop on the side road. I remember turning to look at him.

I cried out in pain as Jacob’s fist collided with my cheekbone. I felt the glass against my face. He pressed his cigarette against my arm as I tried to block myself. After at least six blows to my side, arm, and head, my face was soaked with tears. I remember hoping, and thinking to myself that if I listened and did what he wanted then maybe I’d make it home safe. I’ve never felt as weak as I did in that instant; thinking it can’t possibly get worse. Jacob eventually stopped and got out the car. I thought maybe he was taking time to calm down until my door opened. He grabbed my arm, drug me out and around the car, and threw me to the ground. There are days I can still taste the copper taste that was left in my mouth from the blood. I blacked out and woke up to him driving over my leg, pulling off and abandoning me there. I was so hurt that day; Physically in excruciating pain and emotionally hurt and confused.

****

Waking up in a ditch on the side of a road was never in my plans. I was lost, and bleeding with no way to get help. Trying to drag myself while fading in and out of consciousness is the only reason I survived. My left leg wouldn’t move so I had to figure out something. I moved my arms as fast as I could, until I reached a stick a couple feet away from me. I used the stick to lift myself up and hop to the road. Bright lights shined into my eyes as a woman I didn’t recognize ran to me and helped me into her car.

I can’t remember much after that besides seeing bright lights, hearing sirens, and feeling my mother crying over me. My mom told me I was at St. Lukes for about two weeks. I had multiple cigarette burns to my body. My left leg was completely shattered, to the point that the doctor basically had to put it back together like a jigsaw puzzle. I had a fractured jaw, multiple arm contusions, and a fractured orbital bone. It felt like I wasn’t even in my own body. I don’t know what else he did to me but I’m glad I wasn’t conscious to feel it. Jacob was my everything. I loved him with all of me, and this is how he treated me?! I didn’t know who to trust or who to love anymore. As depressed as I was before, not once did I want to die as much as I did after all of that.

The week I got home I began planning my suicide. I debated on the different ways and which could work and which wouldn’t for days. Finally, after about 3 weeks of being home I decided it would be my last day. I waited until about one o’clock in the morning to be sure my mother was sleeping. I quietly made my way to the bathroom and got my pain medicine. For the first few minutes I held the bottle in my hand asking myself if it’s what I really wanted. With all of the pain, anxiety, and nightmares, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I closed my eyes and took the whole bottle. My stomach got queasy and I felt a tingle sensation throughout my whole body as I drifted off to sleep. I wanted all of the hurt to end and I was finally getting my wish.