January 20, 2012
Dr. Marcos Gonzales recommended that I detox after suffering a relapse that ended in an overdose of antipsychotics—the very drugs that had altered my mental state for so long. Consuming them again to calm my nerves only triggered strange auditory hallucinations.
“You should admit yourself to the Institute of Neurosciences. You need medical treatment and your brain needs to rest,” he said, his face etched with concern. “You are intelligent, Hugo; you’ve overcome every disorder since I’ve known you. But you’ve studied and read so much in your life that it’s becoming detrimental to your mental health.”
“‘Of making many books there is no end, and much study is a weariness of the flesh,’ as it is written in Ecclesiastes 12:12,” I replied. “Dr. Gonzales, remember that my best antidepressant is reading. It makes me forget reality and introduces me to a different world. Likewise, I love psychiatry; I’m obsessed with it because it teaches me to discover the inner depths of the human being.”
Dr. Gonzales didn’t stop watching me while I spoke.
“I admit it, my dear professor... and now I understand why man is the most dangerous beast among all living things. Let’s not forget that from the beginning, the obsession with conquering lands and power has led men to kill each other. Human ambitions and obsessions have driven science forward through the years, but they’ve also collapsed this planet in every aspect.”
In truth, my relapse was a pretext I used due to my girlfriend’s betrayal.
“You must take things calmly, and not let that problem torment you,” he advised.
“Do you really think I should take what that bitch did to me lightly? I proposed to her, and it turns out it was just a game. I remember the last time I saw her. What a day.”
“Tell me what happened. It will help you vent and recognize your mistakes.”
“You’re right, doctor. After I found out about the cheating, I messaged Gustavo, an old high school friend, telling him to meet me outside my house. When he arrived, I told him what happened and asked him to drive me to her place. Once there, we argued briefly. She begged for forgiveness. I chose silence and kissed her passionately. She loved that... but I couldn’t forget the betrayal. So I grabbed her arms, turned her around, pulled down her pants, and sodomized her. She moaned in pleasure and pain until I ejaculated.”
“I despised her for what she did, doctor. I loved her; I wanted to marry her, take her far away, and fulfill our dreams.”
He just watched me in shock, then asked suspiciously:
“What else happened that day, Hugo?”
“What I wished would have happened, doctor... but didn’t. We left her parents’ bedroom and argued in the living room. Near the kitchen, I saw a knife on the counter. Sensing my intent, Letty dared me to kill her. I grabbed the knife and lunged at her, wanting to slit her throat. If Gustavo hadn’t walked in, I would have murdered the woman I had stopped loving overnight.”
Dr. Gonzales couldn’t hide his astonishment anymore.
“You must not feed that hatred, Hugo. It stains your soul and changes your personality. Please, admit yourself for a while. You need it.”
At the end of the appointment, I said goodbye to Dr. Gonzales with a hug, telling him I would travel to Guayaquil next month to check in and finally control my addiction to antidepressants.
