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Tobias

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Summary

"Looking out the window as the cool night’s air pushed past the remaining leaves on a nearly dead sapling tree in the neighbor’s yard. The moonlight's shadows played off the few leaves it had left. Caught in a moment where death and beauty met peacefully and complemented each other.

Status
2mo ago
Chapters
6
Rating
5.0 (1 review)
Age Rating
18+

Epilogue

’That smell? What was that smell?

My face, buried in a thick, cold substance. Struggling to breathe. Compelled by a need to survive. My body felt weak. I dragged my hands until I could push myself up onto my legs, seated.

‘What happened?’

My eyes struggled to open as a thick red crust blinded my vision. Clawing away at the scales that formed over my eyes. I could see again. The smell of copper bronze enveloped my nose and throat, causing me to throw up a piece of chicken pie. The smell is recognizable now.

‘Blood.’

A strong smell of death followed that. Searching the room to identify the origin of the smell. Using the moonlight, I could see very little. Blood on the walls near the window, over the walls’ natural pink colour. Feeling the cover of a single bed underneath my legs, flung on the floor as I rested my hands ahead of me. In a means to anchor myself in reality. Seated in the centre of the chaos, noticing the wardrobe that once stood near the head of the bed, tossed on its side, crashing through the headboard, leaving broken wood chips on the mattress. A book rack at the foot of the bed now balances on the windowsill, through a broken window. Cold winter night wind blew in the room as the moonlight guided a snowflake through the window and onto my hand. I look down as its cold touch kissed my skin. The moonlight reflects off a maroon shimmering puddle in front of me. Using two fingers and dipping them in the puddle, I drew it closer to my face.

*Sniff, sniff. *

‘Blood.’

A jolt of fear and panic rushed through my veins as adrenaline drove me on hands and knees into the darkness ahead. My hands, touching nothing but wetness, and my knees scraping the wooden floors. I reached the door. Unable to stand up and panic, I fiddled with the doorknob. My hands are too wet to get a solid grip on it.

‘I need to stand up.’

Clinging both hands onto the doorknob. I balanced on one knee and slowly slid my foot under myself. Satisfied that it was grounded, I rebalanced the weight onto the grounded foot to no avail.

*Thud*

My foot slipped from under me as I still held on to the doorknob.

‘I cannot do this. I don’t have the strength.’

Letting go of the doorknob, I slid to my belly on the ground. A light flickering in my eyes from a crack underneath the door.

Then, complete darkness as a pair of shoes moved to stand in front of it.

My mouth was dry and cracked. I licked them and cleared my throat, but only a faint murmur came out.

“Help.”

The shadow grew larger, and I could hear hands sliding down the door and stopping midway.

“Okay.”

That voice, I recognised that voice.

“Toby?”

Let Ashiemead know what you thought about this chapter!
Love this

3

Love this

Funny

0

Funny

Spicy

0

Spicy

Suspenseful

1

Suspenseful

Emotional

1

Emotional

Profound

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Profound

Heartwarming

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Heartwarming

Shocking

1

Shocking

Good Writing

4

Good Writing

Compelling Plot

1

Compelling Plot

Great Character

1

Great Character

Strong Dialog

0

Strong Dialog

author

I really enjoyed this passage. Right from the beginning, you can really feel his confusion and disorientation. The fact that he recognizes the smell before even realizing where he is is such a nice detail it made the scene feel very immersive. I genuinely felt like I was discovering everything alongside him.

I also really liked the pacing. There are just enough descriptions to help you picture the room without slowing the story down. The tension builds gradually, and I found myself genuinely wondering what was going to happen to him.

I also really liked the way Toby is introduced. I definitely wasn't expecting it, and I think it's a great way to end the chapter. It immediately made me want to turn the page and find out what happens next.

Honestly, I really enjoyed this passage. It flows well, keeps you engaged, and the ending left me wanting to continue reading.

3 months
1

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